dheriotbarlin

[dheriotbarlin]

Emang paling bener tuh percaya sama orang yang kalo NGOMONG selalu gingetin tentang akhirat gak sih. Fuck motivator kek mario teguh dan bla bla bla

[dheriotbarlin]

[dheriotbarlin]

I miss him

No girl, you miss the fact that someone noticed you

[dheriotbarlin]

“I want to be with you, it is as simple, and as complicated as that.”

— Charles Bukowski

[dheriotbarlin]

“Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that’s going to help you to grow.”

— Caroline Myss

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Framed oil paintings by Warren B. Davis (American, 1865–1928)

[dheriotbarlin]

“I am not the whiskey you want, I am the water you need.”

— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

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(via Pinterest)

[dheriotbarlin]

Lil' poem today to remind us to have the courage to keep living with an open heart ❤️

[dheriotbarlin]

[dheriotbarlin]

i'm slowly beginning to trust the world again. it's still hard to trust people, though. i never feel i'm getting braver, maybe it doesn't even matter, because there are days when i almost effortlessly do something that has previously scared me and there are days when i retreat back to myself –– it's perfectly normal. does an actor ever feel 100% brave and full of self-confidence before entering the stage, baring his soul to the public? you just perform the play that is life and try your best to be the truest version of a human being one could be. it doesn't have to be easy all the time, but it also doesn't need to be hard. i like that i'm taking more walks and getting closer to nature again. i want to know more about the little birdies i encounter and plants whose names i've forgot. it's okay to still be a learner, to re-learn and forget again. it doesn't matter, joy is in the discovering process itself. i don't have to be a student or scholar, but i can be a simple child full of awe at life's little wonders i encounter at every turn. that's just what has kept me afloat: small joys and magic of every small day that might otherwise seem repetitive and incredibly dull. i'm full of wonder again when i walk outside and discover everything there is, just like for the first time ever. a duck, a field flower, a cloud, a rook can bring so much cheer to my wrinkled old heart! i don't have to be alone when i'm in such good company. one never is with nature –– what a comforting thought that is. so yes, i still feel very much unloved and lonely when it comes to human companions who would really see through my layers of guilt, shame and caution, yet i'm beginning to open myself up more and ready to find solace in whoever comes my way next if fate allows. i'm not scared or disappointed with people right now, i'm hopeful and this force is pushing me forward to a more fulfilling future.

[dheriotbarlin]

The pain is old and terrible and makes me want to die, but I'm still enjoying the beauty of spring all around.

[dheriotbarlin]

Having to switch my mindset from “when it gets bad, you can always just die” to “you have to stay and try your best, that’s the only option” is so hard and it really takes a lot out of you. But you have to try. And some people never have to make that switch because “kill yourself” just isn’t their automatic response to bad things happening.

[dheriotbarlin]

For a while i tried to drown my pain with alcohol and drugs. I wanted someone to notice that I wasn't okay. That it was out of character for me. No one noticed. I was drowning myself deeper and deeper. I wanted desperately to be someones number one. I just wanted to be someones favorite person.

I think my depression and over thinking will always get in the way of ever making real connections and friendships. My depression tends to take a toll over me. I could think i am doing okay and next minute ill be crying my eyes out and hating my life just wishing it would end.

Ive been through a lot in my life. Having so much trauma and heart ache has left me permanent scars. I don't trust any one anymore and I dont believe anyone. I however believe that everyone will eventually leave me. Because everyone has. No one stays.

I want to change I really do. But when you've been depressed your whole life you get used to the depression. You learn to get better at hiding it. I have been depressed since i was eight years old. Nothing has ever helped me get better. It seems the older i get the more depressed I realize i am.

Its hard to talk to people you care about and tell them about how sad you feel all the time. About how you constantly think of ending your life or thinking everyone is better off with out you.

No one understands. You want to be here but at the same time you don't. I try my best and it just seems to never be good enough. No matter what it is. I know i shouldn't be depressed and should stop over thinking but its just who i am and who I've always been.

Everyone thinks my depression has gone away and that it was just a "phase" but it never went away, i just started shutting everyone out and acting like i was okay. I live with depression every single day of my life. Its never going away. Its not seasonal or at the moment, its something I've had my whole life.

[dheriotbarlin]

Today I feel heavy

Tomorrow I will feel better

Even if I can’t see the surface

I know what direction I’m headed

Having survived thousands of days

Burdened by swinging depression

I’ve learned to just keep swimming

Even when I can’t see any light

I know that it is where it always was

Just past the threshold of my eyesight

So I just keep swimming forward

Knowing I will eventually reach air

[dheriotbarlin]

[dheriotbarlin]

“Love is doing a kindness for someone else, not expecting to receive anything in return.”

— Sylvain Reynard, Gabriel’s Rapture