diabetic-defender

[diabetic-defender]

So I just realised its been a week since it all happened. I'm not sure if I'm feeling better or worse but who knows its been a week. I was looking through my Spotify the other day and noticed your account linked to some playlists I followed. You know the 14 one side and 14 the other. It reminded me of when you made me a playlist called My Number One Type 1 and all the songs were about me going into a hypo and you helping me out of it ahahaha. That's where I found the song I'll be your pilot, which I listened to all the time until recently. I can't listen to it anymore, even the first opening melody makes me cry.

But thats besides the point, I found on that account (I know you created many for the free trial) another playlist, something along the lines of "I'm glad you're home cause the piece of my heart you took with you wasn't big enough" or something. And I wondered if it was meant for me, or was made with me in mind. Then I wondered when you had made it. Then I wondered if I was just being stupid and it was all coincidence. But then I saw some of the songs and although I don't know most, three stood out to me.

Here Comes A Thought, which is a beautiful song about relationship issues and from Steven Universe one of my favourite shows. I wonder if you added it because of me.

Hopes and Dreams from Undertale is a musical masterpiece and always makes me feel better from its pure energy. I don't think you added this because of me but I like it anyway.

And then by Ween, Ocean Man. And its the last song which I think if you sent me this playlist would be like one of our inside jokes where I would go feral because of how much that song agitated it ahahaha, but I was only playing. I never really minded it and we made it into a meme together and I kinda grew to like it. I'd like to think you added it because of me.

Ok I'm hungry now and I have no food so I'm gonna go shopping, until I slip into another depression cloud thought.

[diabetic-defender]

I moved a lot of the things you got me into a drawer. Just the little things that remind me of you and make me cry, like the mug and pillow case your mom made for me personalised, or the pinecone from the zoo we visited behind the steakhouse. I can't fit every stuffed toy in there so I kept them on top of my cupboard so they're not in eyeline. My mum says to not think of how they make me sad, but focus on the happy memories they bring to mind. But that's just the problem, the happy memories spring to mind and it reminds me that there's no more of them, that I can't get any more, that the person I had them with doesn't love me anymore. I feel so alone and unwanted. Nobody wants me. Nobody wants me. She said they'll fade until I don't think about them but it never feels like that'll happen. I just can't believe you're gone... I can't believe you're gone. I can't do this anymore I can't live like this. It hurts too much. I don't want it to hurt so much. I need to focus on my life.

[diabetic-defender]

Another rant, I feel so alone these days. I didn't realise how much time I'd spend on you daily, even if it wasn't actively doing anything with you. These days I have to stop myself from thinking about you, thinking about the futures we had, worrying whether you're ok in class or not. All the stuff I used to do. But when I stop myself from that I realise how much time I have left, you truly were one of the biggest focuses of my life and now there's just a void that I can't seem to fill. Talking to friends helps a little, talking to other boys doesn't help at all. I just sit there and think about how it should be you, but its not, and I have to live with that.

I hate you sometimes for our separation, I know it was for the best and we'll both grow from it, but nobody seems to understand how lonely it is before you grow, that before the spring and summer there has to be autumn and winter. And its so cold, so damn cold that summer can't come any sooner, yet it takes it time as all things do.

I wonder if you'll ever message me again, because I know I won't anytime soon. But I can't imagine what you would even say? A simple hey? An apology? Or maybe something stupid like a meme to break the ice after so long. Maybe you won't message at all and will leave it to me. And then if I don't ever do it, will you refrain from it also? Will we just never talk again? I hate to think so, maybe thats the loss of the relationship talking, or maybe its just because I miss your presence in my life, but I truly hope that one day you'll message me and everything will be ok, we'll have our own lives and that will be ok, and we'll be able to sit together and laugh and cry about the times we had and learn to be friends... it seems like a pipedream thinking about it like that right now but no-one can blame me for hoping.

A part of me wonders if you'll read these. Another part tells me that you haven't used tumblr in years and even if you saw it, you wouldn't want to read it because it only hurt... but if you are reading maybe like to let me know if I'm talking to noone or not. Its up to you I guess.

I can't think of anything else now... thanks for listening I guess

[diabetic-defender]

I listened to hello hello today. I hadn't heard it in a long time and it came up on my recommended. It reminded me of you instantly. Singing it in our silly voice, dancing to it in the living room. Its funny, at one point I thought it would be one of the contenders for a song we'd have at our wedding. Along with I'll be your pilot and some others. Point is the song just took me all the way back to dancing in your living room. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you for all the songs you've ruined for me now ahaha.

[diabetic-defender]

El Paso

Leaving the blue skies and sunny days is hard for me. The stark contrast of Britain's grey clouds and cold weather that makes me shiver depresses me further as I think back to El Paso once more and how I long to stay there.

I know that it's not El Paso I really miss, it's you, it's always been you. How can I love you with such passion and yet have to be so very far away. I've always said it wasn't fair. But that doesn't mean it's not the truth.

I can now focus on other things to distract me. Throw myself into my work but I know that it'll always be done half-hearted as all I'm doing is counting the days, weeks, and months, until I can visit you again.

The thought of coming back makes me feel better. I wanna take you somewhere next time, I was thinking we could have a nice holiday in Orlando Florida, visit the disney and universal studio theme parks and have some fun in a random BnB as we ride the coasters at day and each other at night.

I'm gonna miss making love to you. Not even the sex of it, just the gentle, naked hugs where we're truly connected and warming each other up. The little crooks we find in each other's necks as we snuggle deeper into each other, our ears feeling the long and deep exhales as we simply appreicate each other's body. Our fingers dancing on our backs before they meet together in a final duet and slink together, bring held by our sides as our lips seperate from their own embrace making the heat leave my lips and we slowly slip into sleep. Just being by your side at night was always more than enough to make me the happiest person to have been lucky to experience love.

I feel like I truly love you. Not the little crushes people can get or the want of a relationship just to fill the the loneliness inside. I couldn't imagine having those intimate moments with anyone else but you. You make me feel like my life has a future worth living in. At this point, I couldn't see a future without you in it somewhere, it doesn't feel right.

There's no real point to this post, I just have so many feelings and I think that writing it out and then throwing them to the internet will help me sort things out in my head. I cried the night before I left but now I couldn't cry if I wanted to. It's just a numb dull pain that I can only hope to distract myself from.

And I will, I always do, and I always come back. Hopefully soon your R will pass through and you can come visit me instead. It would be nice to let you see all my friends and family. Show you the British sites, the London Eye, dungeons, museums. I know you'll love the Natural History Museum.

Either way, even though I'm sad now and I will be for a while, I can't wait for all we still have time to do, all the things we'll do together. And hopefully one day we won't have to fly to see each other. That's my dream. I love you.

[diabetic-defender]

Ya know how it goes. Another mid-life crisis another hair colour

[diabetic-defender]

[diabetic-defender]

Here, showerthoughts:

Feet are just silly hands woahh

[diabetic-defender]

[diabetic-defender]

The fact that you cannot find any journals to back up your viewpoint MAY suggest you need to reassess your viewpoint…

[diabetic-defender]

Oh my fucking god god god god god i just found the funniest picture while deep into google images

[diabetic-defender]

how the fuck is this even real

[diabetic-defender]

People really out there being named ‘Merlin’ like god damn please dont cast lightning bolt on my dick

[diabetic-defender]

Mobile tumble user moodboard

[diabetic-defender]

washed my sheets but my bed still smells like garlic? guess thats just how it is now 

[diabetic-defender]

millennial: *doesnt open a door for a boomer*

boomer: chivalry is DEAD, common courtesy is A THING OF THE PAST, i remember when RESPECT was AUTOMATIC and people werent SELFISH, the current generation is AWFUL and IMPOLITE

millennial: so slurs are bad and people deserve basic human rights

boomers: umm,,,, sweetie,,,,, tjhe real world,,,,, isnt gonna cater to your stupid baby needs,,,,, grow a spine,,,,, welcome to reality,,,,,,,

[diabetic-defender]

what a jerk

and a thief