diariesofasurvivor

[diariesofasurvivor]

If your questioning yourself if your crazy? I promise you your not.

[diariesofasurvivor]

She was completing the last chapter of a crime series she was reading when she heard that 'ding'. Her heart sank because that's the only association her body had. Immediately he flipped his phone towards her, "It's the bank, just another payment credited". She smiled because she didn't ask, he just knew. She rolled her ankles, while they popped and cracked, he pulled her feet close and slowly started massaging them, "leg day at the gym eh?" She smile, looked into his eyes and mouthed the words "thank you".

Every couple of days she jolted in the middle of the night, covered in sweat with a racing heartbeat. Reaching out her arm to grasp anything she could hold on to. He was always there, on his side of the bed, stroking her forehead till she fell back to sleep. Somedays while she was drinking her cup of tea, staring into the abyss, he would quickly interrupt her intrusive thoughts with a silly joke she couldn't avoid laughing to. While she is putting on her lipstick, the final touch of the entire ensemble before a date, he is taking photos of her in the reflection of the mirror #mine #queen #luckiestguyintheworld.

While she treads slowly on broken glass, barely healing from her open wounds, he is lifting the weight off her shoulders so it hurts less. Trying to fix something he didn't break. Out of pure love. Out of simply seeing though someone's pain and wanting them to heal. Out of just wanting the best for someone expecting nothing in return.

Love without conditions.

[diariesofasurvivor]

I think for now the main thing I need to work on is regulating myself. I need to work very hard on dealing with my feelings in a healthy manner. There is only so much I can do about outside factors, circumstances and people. But one thing I can do is make myself strong enough to battle them in a way that doesn't cripple me. Right now the smallest trigger into my wounds sends me in a spiral that I am unable to dig myself out of for a very long time, leaving myself completely anxiety riddled. I cannot let that happen if I need to be able to function in my day to day life. I need to be able to accept the fact that whatever needs to happen will happen all I can do is prepare myself to receive it without a vacuum in my lungs every single time.

[diariesofasurvivor]

I cried and cried and cried till I had nothing left in me anymore. My eyes were swollen and my throat was choked. My chest heaved gasping for breath trying to find any will to go on. This is going to be the death of me, I thought, while trying to detangle my thoughts. Till I suddenly felt it, a comforting touch, soothing me, giving me hope for another day. How can something that causes you so much pain so easily be able to ease it? I heard all the words I needed to hear and felt all the right touches. My soul was calm and I could finally close my eyes without seeing red. And I did, I closed my eyes and leaped, knowing full well hard I'm going to fall. When my eyes opened, I reached for that familiar touch. Craving the same hit from before like the junkie I am. I found exactly the opposite of that.

In front of my eyes, the same comfort you I begged for, given to another without them asking. And before I was able to process, evidence removed. In that exact instant, It came rushing back to me, the red. Flooding each alley of my brain with the force of a giant wave. A vacuum in my lungs I'm gasping for air. You look straight into my eyes and breathe smoke. And just like that another lie to comfort me, flung in my direction like a life vest. I grab it, knowing full well I'm about to drown.

[diariesofasurvivor]

We spend our entire lives training ourselves to earn money but when do we take out the time to learn what to do it that money?

[diariesofasurvivor]

If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.

[diariesofasurvivor]

Strawless Wanna know something cool? You can get just as litt by drinking directly from your glass without a plastic straw. Yeah you heard that right! And extra brownie points for being a little planet saver. As someone that deeply connects with the waves, it's really depressing to see photos and videos of colourful plastic garbage in pristine blue waters. By 2050 there will be more plastic in the ocean than fish and that is a really devastating thought. Plastic straws are the most pointless of plastic waste and it's something everyone with a mouth can do without. The ONLY excuse I'm willing to buy is if your lipstick is absolutely on point and you don't want to ruin your make up. If so there are some incredible brands like @pappcogreenware and @bambooindia making re-useable straws that will make sure your Ruby woo is untouched Brands like @nostrawsattached and @downtothelaststraw are doing an incredible job at spreading awareness. Diching a stupid straw is the least that we can do in return! P.S While you are ditching that straw don't forget about the stirrer Because I swear to go if I see another olive ridley turtle with a straw up their nose I'm going to be real mad.

[diariesofasurvivor]

[diariesofasurvivor]

Best base line they ever conjured

[diariesofasurvivor]

Just ‘cause some cute girl likes the same bizzaro crap you do, that doesn’t make her your soulmate.

[diariesofasurvivor]

For everytime I got excited

This explains sooo much. In case you wanna know why so many porn blogs follow you 😱😱

[diariesofasurvivor]

My Dainty Heart

With every beat I can feel it. 

Around my heart, tighter everyday. I can feel every bit of it: the grip, the warmth. 

My fragile heart is in the palm of his hands. I lay flat on my back with my arms wide open and with a welcoming smile, invite him in. 

My mind understands the danger this holds but my silly heart cannot get enough of it. 

With every crack of his smile i find myself falling deeper and deeper into this fantasy that is slowly becoming a reality and I am scared out of my wits of waking up. 

Ive always been led to believe that nothing is ever perfect and everything eventually leaves so I try to brace myself for the worst that is to come and try to stay away, so when the time comes it won't hurt as much. But with every door held and every promise fulfilled he slowly opens the cage up and lures me back in little by little. 

The walls have been broken, this time along I think its safe to say. Ive taken off the armour and walked right into the crossfire. I cannot be certain of what tomorrow holds for me behind those doors. I can only hope and pray that after all these years i will be proved wrong. 

But I smile deep inside knowing tomorrow if he grips too hard and and crushes my dainty little heart, I will smile through every excruciating moment of the pain with the sweet memories knowing it was totally worth it.  

[diariesofasurvivor]

Rut

Where is the escape? When does it end? 

This life, this struggle, this monotony. 

Does it really have to be like this, Its honestly depressing to say the least. Life as we know it is a constant wait. A wait for the weekend, a wait for that raise, a wait for that vacation. 

It feels like were just waiting. Is this how we are to spend our whole lives. Struggling, hustling and not living. 

I don't think I can explain how depressed I'm feeling today. Its a strange feeling. Nothing really happened. Its just a realisation. A realisation of what my life is really going to be. 

Im tired all the time. Tired from working too damn hard. And working hard for people that won't think twice before replacing me if the need persists. 

I used to think that my job was fulfilling, maybe i just going through an existential crisis. Heck maybe I'm about to start my period but the fact that I just cracked one of life's biggest realisations and it has been the most depressing thing ever has made it much worse. 

No I'm not stoned. 

[diariesofasurvivor]

You spend your entire life stuck in the pathetic rut that is the species of men. Pacifying yourself that no I'm sure it gets better than this, no I'm sure it can't be as bad at this. There is always that one gleaming light inside you that keeps you  going. For some people that gleaming light is a person. That one person that is always restoring your faith in the failed species that is men. When hardships come you look back and say, “No, i’m sure it would be different with him”  “No, i’m sure it would be better with him”. For every shitty thing that happens you make him your excuse to keep going. He becomes that one force driving you forward. But what is he driving you towards. Have you ever thought about that? 

Possibilities, inspiration and a world full of Disappointment. Thats right! A slap of reality on your face. Its all sunshine and flowers till the day reality hits you and your bubble bursts. The day you are speeding into the ground full velocity knowing fully well that this time you've got nothing to float on. Your only falling. 

All this while when your mind was full of excuses life was taking place on the side. You now face the harsh reality that this person is in fact the exact same. Same as all of the others. The person that you were making excuses for all along has turned onto the species you detested from the first second. 

And in that moment of realisation your world comes to a standstill. Everything just stops. Except for one thing - your mind. 

That one thing that in that moment starts to work on overdrive over analysing and back tracking every little move. You start to realise its all a big set up and everything that you have been led to believe has been one big lie. 

The one thing that you were willing to bet your life on has failed you, the one person that you thought you knew has never felt so foreign. In that moment you realise that everything that you know about life has been one big lie. 

How are you supposed to learn to trust again when the one thing that gave you strength turned out to be the weakest?

[diariesofasurvivor]

Home

He eased back into my life. Like a cool breeze on a summer afternoon. Refreshing and soft. I knew then it was just what I needed.  My little face in his strong hands as he kissed my forehead. I felt safe, familiar and at ease. He was everything that I needed and much much more. Nothing had ever changed distance and time didn't affect us. We were invincible. 

[diariesofasurvivor]

Kucks - 2

After a three-hour long car ride she finally got to her hotel at 11pm and she couldn’t be happier. She was exhausted and drained but the second she walked into her room her soul lit up again.

The La Villa was everything she had dreamed about and much more. She knew the hotel was going to be fancy after the price she had paid for it. But this over shot her expectations by far.

 She threw her duffel by the floor and fell on the bed. A thud so hard she bounced back and forth for three and a half seconds after.

 She slowly closed her eyes and woke up with a startle 20 minutes later. ‘Shit!’ she said to herself as she looked at the watch. ‘I need to shower and sleep, got that yoga class tomorrow morning at fucking 7’. Something she would never have ever enrolled herself to, except for the fact that it was part of the package with the hotel and the surf lessons.

 She got into the slower and scrubbed off all the airport bacteria off herself with free hotel soap. But even the free hotel soap smelled amazing as she soaked herself in the tub that could easily fit three people. She felt so good in that piping hot water that she almost ignored the fact that she was wasting tones of water.  

 She opened the bathroom door and the steam released from the inside like a pressure cooker she came out with only her bathrobe on. She walked out of the bathroom and stared at her one favourite thing about hotel rooms. The bed and Sleeping naked. 

She opened the belt on her robe and slowly tugged the robe off her shoulders. It slid of her smooth skin and formed a little puddle on the floor.

She creped into bed and felt the cool sheets on her warm body. This was paradise. She was at her all time high when she smiled to herself and realized she hadn’t even gotten started.  

[diariesofasurvivor]

Kuks - 1

She sat there on a Friday evening looking at her laptop screen and dozing when her gaze suddenly shifted to the little airplane trinket she hangs over her desk. 

Without thinking twice she went onto the Jetprivilage website and booked a return ticket to Pondicherry. She was super proud of her spontaneous decision and had used up most of her miles for a ticket she barely paid pennies for.

 Then it slowly dawned on her. She had booked a flight to leave in the next 5 hours and had no idea if or how she could make that happen. She quickly picked up the phone and called her mother and told her about how she needed to head out of town tonight for a very important business trip, to which her mom being the person that she is offered to help with packing before she got home.

 She quickly opened the next tab on her laptop and booked herself 2 nights at the closest hotel to the beach and then slammed her laptop shut.

 She held her hands over the laptop and just stared into space with wide eyes.

 She slowly felt a little kind forming on her forehead. ‘Why am I second guessing myself, I got this!’ She said to herself.

‘Hey listen, im heading a little early today’ she said to her colleague who really didn’t seem to care even if she waited back. She packed her bags and was out the door within minutes.

In a flash she headed back home packed a bunch of her most skimpy clothes and a few bikini’s and was off to the airport. Sitting in the flight she could not believe the stunt she just pulled. She looked over at her lap at her tattered jeans and her can of coke and laughed. She decide to snap a photo of it so that she would never forget this moment.

 Little did she know. This was going to be one of the best adventures of her life.