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¡Hasta Luego!

"My name is Jackie Langdon and I am 21 years old. I am originally from Denver and am a student at the University of Kansas.” I am a Grupo de Kansas alumna and about to start my senior year.

It’s taken me a little bit to be able to start my final post. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m in denial or because I have no idea how to express the feelings I have into words.

The last day of my study abroad experience was perfect. Sheila and I woke up early and walked to campus one last time. We headed downtown and I took it all in. I admired how alive one of my favorite parks became by late morning. I stared at the abundance of red taxis and the tallest trees I have ever seen. I took my last bus ride home to Sabanilla, passing all of the landmarks that once seemed overwhelmingly unfamiliar.We headed back to my house for my going away party.

The party was filled with great food, surprises and heartfelt goodbyes. As the guests began to leave and say their final goodbyes, my moms and I got emotional. We sat together in our garage and talked about our favorite memories throughout the semester. We made sure to express how much we love each other and how much we are going to miss each other. Sara told me that this was the first going away party they ever threw for one of their students. She also told me I had touched her heart in a way that no other student had before. I was truly moved by these words. I had a feeling I would get along with my host family, but I had no idea how hard I would fall in love with Sara and Sole.

The next morning my moms woke up to send me off with their kisses and blessings. It didn’t feel real.

Ever since I returned the United States, I have been trying to evaluate how I feel. Being home feels a lot less strange than I anticipated. I had a welcome home party with my friends and family. Even my best friend from college flew in to surprise me.It has been wonderful to catch up with people who I missed so much.

I have also felt moments of disconnect. It’s as if the situations feel similar but my reactions are different. It’s really interesting to be able to see the way I have developed in 2014. I want other people to notice the changes in me but I have to be patient.

My experience abroad was not perfect. There were moments where I felt uncertain, lost and defeated. My time abroad would not have been nearly as enriching without those hard times. It was my personal and environmental challenges that helped me grow the most.

I knew I wanted to enroll in a program that wouldn’t be easy for me, one that tested my limits. The last few days before I arrived in Costa Rica were understandably nerve racking. 196 días later, I am home safe and I have accomplished so much more than I thought I was capable of.

However my dreams would have been more difficult to fulfill without my amazing support system in Costa Rica and the United States. Thank you to all of my family and friends from back home who kept up with my blog, it means the world to me. Thank you Zaida and Isa for helping me adjust and succeed. Thank you to the new friends I made while abroad and all of my Grupo de Kansas peers. We may all have very different personalities but we have created the dearest of memories.

Most of all thank you Sara and Sole for being incredible moms and for opening up your home to me. Thanks to you two I have had the most incredible 6.5 months of my life. From the moment I arrived nervous and without suitcases you loved me like your own daughter. I am honored to have had the opportunity to live with phenomenal role models as well as my best friends. I am eternally grateful for all of the good you have brought into my life.

I had no idea how badly I needed this journey. It’s crazy to be home and to look back and say “I did it.” I miss so many things and people in Costa Rica, but I have not returned home empty handed. Aside from the physical memorabilia/countless art pieces, my entire perspective has changed. Today I can more easily see the beauty in our differences, the benefits that await after a challenging task, and the desire to continue to explore deep in my heart.

I am home feeling loved, proud and nostalgic. San José has become a new home and I intend to visit as soon as possible. And so I will end with “¡Hasta luego!” because even though this may be the end of my study abroad experience, it is not a goodbye with Costa Rica.

Pura Vida, Jackie

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My moms and I at my going away party! I miss you both so much already.

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Last Wednesday I finished my time as a student at the Universidad de Costa Rica. I felt way more prepared for finals than I did for midterms because I was more familiar with the education system. The professors were a lot less straight forward here than back home. It was extremely frustrating at first. As a foreigner I hoped for more guidance, but I had far less. However for the most part the professors were very accommodating. I decided early on that I was not going to victimize myself when I felt lost in class. I didn't want to end the semester thinking there was something I should have done or asked. This semester taught me the importance of communication. I had to be very direct when I was confused. In return, I received the direct answers I needed because I wasn't ashamed to ask for help. I remember when I would tell people that I wasn't going to be taking finals until July. Now after 6 months of classes I am finally done and officially a senior! Even though I've been in classes for such a long time, it feels like it just ended all of a sudden. Once finals were finished a couple of girlfriends and I headed to la calle to celebrate. Now I am blowing off steam in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua. It's nice to get in a last trip to celebrate the end of the semester. I'm proud of myself for once again accomplishing something that once seemed impossible.

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6

6 months ago I was sitting in a hotel room in Dallas with a bottle of wine and without suitcases. I had obeyed my mom’s orders to cry the hardest I have ever cried, but still nobody opened the door for me to get on the plane. For months I had stressed myself out thinking that I had signed myself up for something too big to for me to handle. It wasn’t until I was sitting alone in a hotel room that I realized just how badly I wanted to go.

What I was suspicious of, but didn’t confirm until about a month into my journey, was just how badly I needed to go. I needed this time to explore both a new country and myself. To say it’s been a rewarding experience would be an understatement. I’ve had the opportunity to watch myself change and accomplish daily challenges. For the first time in my life, I feel grown up.

And now I’m to the point where I feel scared to go back home because so much has changed. I’m already nervous to answer people when they ask “How was Costa Rica?” because I feel like it is an impossible question to answer. How am I suppose to sum up my experience in a generic one to two sentence answer?

6.5 months is a long time and because of that I have been through it all. I’ve felt proud, discouraged, inspired, content and confused. To answer that question briefly seems like an injustice to myself, and belittling all I have accomplished.

I guess despite how many sentences I give in my answer, I’ll never encompass my experience in it’s entirety. My time has been so personal that I don’t even think my peers here could completely understand.

But I guess I’ll try to give a summary to anybody who is reading this. Costa Rica has given me everything I hoped it would and so much more than I ever imagined. I’ve developed a deep appreciation for the culture, my friends and this opportunity. I’ve established a new home and family that I love so deeply. I’ve worked hard but I’ve also learned not to take anything too seriously. Costa Rica will always have the most special place in my heart because it changed my world for the better.

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I'm so thankful we were able to celebrate not only the 4th, but also 6 months of friendship. It's strange that our journey is coming to an end, but I will never take for granted the wonderful people who have been my support system here. Love you all so much! (en Parque Deportivas )

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Maia and I have had so much fun exploring Costa Rica. Since she came two weeks ago I knocked off two "must visits" off of my list: Monteverde and Puerto Viejo. 

This relaxing weekend was a nice contrast to our action-packed trip last week. But it wasn't less exciting by any means. 

We wanted some time to lay out on the beach. We rented bikes from our hostel and rode 8 kilometers to Punta Uva, a gorgeous beach where we spent the day. We had a great time having a photo shoot and playing in the warm water of the Caribbean. I loved laying out in the sun and just listening to the nature around me. A day at the beach was long overdue. 

On our way back we stopped at a place with homemade ice cream. The owner and his wife were from the United States. They have been living in Costa Rica for 3 years with their 3 young children. They wanted to move in order to live a simpler life. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who just pack up and leave the life that they knew. It shows me how doable it really is. 

My friend Helen was also in town so we headed to the main part of town to shop with her and her godmother. Maia and I ended up getting hair wraps which will last for at least a month. I love mine. It may be stereotypical but I have loved getting hair wraps since I was very young. It made me smile finding joy in something I loved as a kid. 

Later that night we watched a fire dance performance at our hostel and had a couple of drinks. I was so excited to see a beer pong table at the hostel because I haven't played since I have been in the United States. At first I was not doing so hot and Maia was making all of the shots, but I ended up sinking the last cup. I indulged in a victory dance. 

The next day we spent the morning at the beach before we watched the World Cup game at our hostel. The match went into overtime and then onto penalty kicks. It was the most nerve-racking experience. My heart was beating really hard during each shot. When Costa Rica's goalie blocked one of the penalty shots, I jumped up and cheered. 

Even though the crowd was not quite as large as in San José, the streets of Puerto Viejo quickly filled up with people. I think that is one thing I will be really nostalgic about when I leave. I love that I can depend on everybody running into the street to cheer for hours. Post-win the streets are always filled with songs, honking car horns and countless flags. It is a form of unity that I have never seen before. Costa Rica made history yesterday, and I feel honored to be a part of it.

With each win I witness I am reminded anything is possible. Determination will get people where they need to be. Hard work can get a fútbol team to the quarter finals or it can help a family relocate to another country. With each new town I visit, I notice something new that the world has to offer. I am reminded of how easy it is to feel caught up or to overanalyze every aspect of our lives. I am thankful for my experience here because I feel like I am not thinking about my life, instead I am just living. I hope more than anything that I can maintain this mentality back home. ¡Esto es Pura Vida!

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This past weekend Maia and I stayed at Rocking J's hostel. It was one of the coolest places I have stayed because it is covered in mosaics made by guests. Each time I walked to my room, my eye caught something new! I especially loved all of the Colorado pride present on the walls. 

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Today was my last day teaching English in a conversational club. Over the past three months I have worked with the same students on a weekly basis. I'm not sure if it is because it was the first of my goodbyes or because I had so much fun hanging out with this group, but today I found myself unexpectedly emotional when we left the classroom for the last time. I asked my students if I could take a picture of them for my blog. Shortly after one of my students told me that I had to get in one as well. Of course we couldn't leave anyone out so we had to take a selfie. I was elected the selfie-taker since I have the longest arms. Later the same student posted the photo and wrote, "will miss you." She later commented "you're such a great teacher... God bless you Big Jack." It made me feel really special. I have loved watching the students and the structure of the class develop. During the first weeks of the course it felt like I was playing the role of the teacher, it took a little time for things to feel more natural. We started off by reading articles and practicing pronunciation. However it felt a little robotic. I decided to use the articles as a back up plan and just spend class time talking. It didn't take long before I wasn't bringing an article at all. It was fun talking about whatever we wanted and arriving to class without an agenda because I got to know my students better. I feel really honored that I got to contribute a little to the education of such hard workers. I'm thankful that I was able to volunteer with this program during my time abroad.

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After living in Costa Rica for 5.5 months I finally made it to the infamous Monteverde.

Maia and I headed here on a bus shortly after Costa Rica defeated Italy in the second round of the World Cup. Unfortunately by the time we got there all the seats for the bus were sold out. We waited for the driver to arrive and paid him to sit in the aisle, which is very common here.

We didn’t waste a moment once we arrived and headed on a night hike tour. We spent two hours with a guide and our flashlights. We saw sloths, hedgehogs, and a ton of insects. My favorite part was towards the end when we a man with a machete offered us raw sugar cane. Don't worry he was friendly.

The next morning we did the other tour on my Monteverde checklist, a zip line tour. We went across the longest zip line in Latin America: 1590 meters. It was exhilarating. I was surrounded by clouds and a sea of green trees. I fely like got a view of the world from this secret perspective. I felt invincible.

A part of the tour we didn’t know about was the Tarzan swing. A free fall of 148 feet (see the brochure featured above). We got to a suspended bridge where the guides only let the person going walk across as we stood at the end. Whenever somebody would jump we would feel the bridge shake below us.

Maia went first and waited for me at the bottom. When I got to the end I felt like I could barely see her from where I was. I yelled down at her and asked if it was scary. She thankfully lied to me and told me it wasn’t.

I stood at the edge in front of a flimsy gate almost paralyzed from fear. I love adventure and trying new things but I seriously considered backing out. I told the guides that I needed a moment.

I asked if I should jump or walk forward. They told me to bend my knees and they would help me out. I finally worked up the courage to place my unsteady hands on the chord in front of me. I knew even though this was the most mentally challenging thing I have ever done, I would have been so upset if I didn’t go for it. So I let the guides open the gate and I flew straight down.

It was the biggest adrenaline rush of my life.  I screamed the entirety of the first free fall. I swung up high over the trees a few times before my turn was done. I arrived to the ground with my heart racing and my legs shaking. I did it.

Every time I have talked or written about the jump it gets my heart pumping again. I am still shocked and proud that I went through with it.

I am happy I saved this trip for the end and that I get to share this experience with Maia. My time in Monteverde has been oh so special!

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The Costa Rica vs Italy game was amazing to watch. Maia and I couldn’t resist partaking in the celebration before we caught the bus to Monteverde. It was definitely one of my favorite experiences here thus far.

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La calle after Costa Rica’s win vs Italy!

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Last weekend was really low key. A lot of my friends went away on a trip but I decided to stay in San José. I have a lot of homework and I wanted to get ahead because my friend Maia will be here to visit on Sunday!

It was a tough decision not to go. The group was headed to a beach rich in biodiversity and I wanted to blow off some steam. I didn’t want to miss out. However after consideration of the pros and cons I decided I would rather do things at a relaxed pace than stress myself out.

I ended up having one of the most pleasant weekends up to date. I love my friends here but it was so nice not to have to work with anyone else’s schedule. I was able to do whatever I wanted in the moment.

Friday night I went out with my friends Maria and Laura to a new bar. I always have such a good time with the two of them. They are so generous and accommodating. We stopped at McDonald’s on the way because I was craving a burger. After that we were ready to act a fool and dance the night away.

Saturday morning I woke up and headed downtown to do yoga in the park. I caught the bus a little late so I was towards the back of the class. I didn’t mind because I was positioned under an intricate tree that soothed me.

It was the perfect practice to be by myself because the instructor was a little kooky. We did a ton of move and made noises where we had to get out of our heads and let loose. Without any familiar faces nearby I was able to do so.

After yoga I stopped by the art stands set up in the same park. I bought a new piece to decorate my house next semester. I love buying little trinkets when I am having a really good day. I imagine myself looking at it in the future thinking about my wonderful morning in the park.

I went home and got a good amount of work done. I’m writing a long paper for my history of Africa class. I’ve tried my best not to stress out about it and do work at a comfortable pace. It can be really intimidating going about a big project in another language. I’ve done pretty good and keeping my cool.

After I felt like I whipped out a decent amount, I left the house for some fresh air. I decided that I wanted to treat myself, so I went to a beauty salon around the corner. I indulged in my favorite guilty please and got a mani/pedi for only $18!

In the past 5 months this is only the second time I’ve gotten my nails done, which is odd because it legitimately is one of the most enjoyable things to me. I honestly don’t really think about taking the time to go and do the things I do for myself back home.

As soon as I thought my day couldn’t be any more perfect, my moms made me breakfast for dinner. This wasn’t just any brinner, it was a combination of all of my favorites! They headed off to a party as I ate my gallo pinto, huevo frito and queso tico. I got to spend the evening cuddled up by myself.

This weekend reminded me how important it is to breathe and take time for myself. While abroad, it’s easy to be blind sighted by each opportunity. There is an extra feeling of pressure to do everything and visit everywhere. I oftentimes have to remind myself that I am a student first. My academic responsibilities are a priority as is travel.

I’ve found a solution in balance. I like to reward myself with a treat when I work hard. I also like to be alone as much as I like to be with friends. I can’t do everything while abroad, it simply would be too exhausting.

As a happy medium I make an effort to keep in touch with myself. While abroad it’s hard to slow down and decline an invite, but a lot of the time it’s necessary.

I value the intimate moments I have with myself like I had this past weekend. It feels incredible to calm down and reenergize. But for now, I’m really looking forward to getting some more work done and seeing a friendly face this weekend!

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¡Feria de agricultor con las madres!

[diariocostarricense]

5

I cannot believe that I have lived in Latin America for 5 months. I’m so deeply integrated into the Costa Rican lifestyle that it doesn’t even feel like a study abroad trip anymore. This is my life and I’m not ready for the end to come.

I remember when 6.5 months seemed impossible. I remember how overwhelmed I felt when I clicked the commit button on the study abroad website. I remember crying the night before I left because I felt like I was running away from everything I knew. I remember the first moment I had here when I realized just how much I am capable of.

I’ve made a home where I have really grown up. I am so lucky to have had so many adventures, but I am even luckier to have found tranquility. This experience has been so much more than I imagined. Each moment here, the challenging and the rewarding, has enhanced my world in a remarkable way. 

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We Aren't Always Our Biggest Critics

I've mentioned before that one of my biggest fears before coming abroad was not have a personality. I was terrified that during my 7 months abroad people would not get to know the real Jackie. Ironically, it turns out that the hardest thing about my time in Costa Rica has been exactly the opposite.

I am a confident person. I try to remind myself everyday why I am proud of myself. It helps me stay happy in this other world. And when I don't have the energy to feel positive, it helps me remember that what I am doing is really hard.

Somehow this sense of confidence is what has been lost in translation. People mistakenly perceive it as cockiness, which is far from what I know to be true about myself. For some reason my confidence makes me a target of other people's criticism.

It's hard to admit that while in Costa Rica I have felt verbally attacked by the critiques of strangers, peers, and friends. Even though I believe I am more than enough, people feel the need to tell me otherwise. The hateful words seem to cover three realms: physical, intellectual and personality.

 You're SO tall. Does that suck when trying to find a guy? Wow Jackie you've lost SO much weight. You don't look anything like yourself. WOW you sound SO American. Wow you just LOVE talking about yourself. Why are you doing (fill in the blank) that way? Haven't you done this before? Don't you know that word in Spanish? I don't think you understand. 

Well the haters are certainly right about one thing, there is plenty I don't understand. What baffles me the most is how I can feel content with who I am (despite all of these flaws) but other people can't accept me for who I am. It makes me feel completely defeated. I have worked hard to become the person I am today. It hurts me that people feel the need to tell me that my qualities are less than satisfactory to them. I oftentimes feel alone when facing daily challenges here. This is the first time in my life that I have felt outnumbered by negativity, the first time when Jackie seems to be unwelcome.

My experiences here have been filled with uncertainty and personal growth. This undeniably is one of the most influential periods of my life which makes me feel extremely vulnerable. It hurts my heart when people can't be supportive during such a defining period.

I am not ashamed nor do I necessarily feel empowered to admit this personal struggle. It just seems necessary to share. We all will face unexpected moments of darkness when it takes longer than we would like to find a silver lining. Someone is bound to tell us that we aren't enough. It is hard not to listen and impossible not to hear people's critical words, but never forget that you are in control of the person you are.

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"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." We may all be very different people but we share a passion to explore the unknown. I am thankful for my peers in Grupo de Kansas. You each continue to change my life for the better. Thank you for being a part of my journey. (en Universidad de Costa Rica)

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Act Now

Last Sunday, Sheila asked me if I wanted to go see a play with her. She had heard about this venue close by that offered short productions for a reasonable price. We decided to switch up our Sunday night routine by going out to dinner and seeing a show.

The little theatre had show times every twenty minutes which was nice because our dinner lasted awhile. When we arrived to the theatre we were able to pick between four shows, three comedies or a drama. After the person selling us tickets gave us a brief synopsis of each, we picked a comedy about "two girls who have to make a decision at a bank." We bought our $3 tickets and were told to wait in the lounge until the name of the play was called. 

A few minutes lated somebody escorted Sheila, me and four other people into a room no bigger than my bedroom here. There was a woman with her backs towards us who was eating candy. That's when I realized that we were in the stage and she was already in character. Shortly after the person who escorted us left, the second actress came running in screaming. The two actresses were inches away from our faces, throwing props at each other and never making eye contact with the audience. We just continued to stand there unacknowledged. It was unlike anything I ever experienced. I didn't understand all of the dialogue but it didn't really matter because the actresses were very expressive. At the end they both ran outside of the building and past the window they had been standing in front of.  It was entertaining as hell, I will definitely be returning.

I admire the talent of the actresses. I imagine it would feel awkward to be in such tight quarters with the audience, never breaking character. However I have also noticed here that stage fright isn't really a thing. Ever since I told my host family and their friends that I liked to sing, I am constantly asked to do so. When I shy away or say that I think it is a weird moment to break out into song, people are confused. One time I told Sara about how I was forced to do karaoke and she said she didn't understand why I wouldn't sing as much as possible if it is something I enjoy. Performances are highly-critiqued and viewed as part of some bigger journey in the United States, but performing remains a Sunday night pastime at family barbecues in Costa Rica. 

Ideas associated with stress, guilt and intimidation are seemingly non-existent in Costa Rica. In fact, a lot of phrases such as "I am scared" translate somewhat awkwardly into Spanish. Here when somebody is late it isn't their fault. The Spanish language places blame on subjects differently than English. Instead of saying "I missed the bus" I would say something that translates to "the bus missed me". When people walk into a classroom after a session has begun, it isn't a big deal at all. 

That is one thing I admire the most about the Costa Rican culture, it acknowledges that shit happens that we can't help. There are parts of life that are out of our control and that is okay. In the United States we are eager to plan the next step in our future or to stress about something that we should have done differently in the past. We tend to forget that we can only shape our present, and that a lot of the time things are out of our control. 

The laid back mentality of Costa Rica is something that has been challenging to become accustomed to, but I admire it nonetheless. It's this carefree mentality that keeps people performing for the smallest of audiences.