diary-of-a-broken-crystal

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

What I should focus on this year: 9 of Water

Enjoying all of my things. Live that life of luxury and contentment.

What's in my way of that: Apprentice of Earth

Needing to be productive!

Conscious problems: Student of Earth

Ideas, things we need to start, oh look we have to work on that...

Unconscious problems: Apprentice of Fire

Dysregulation 🙄

Solutions that are not working for me: Master of Fire

Just trying to master the emotions, push through them, be in control of the feelings

Solutions that will work for me: 2 of Earth

This feels like a "no shit". Balance. We can do things, but we can also rest. Find balance in everything. Stop trying to be so in control.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

My excellent analogy of how it feels to have sex with men vs. women.

There's a hill. And you need to climb it so you can get to the top (for obvious reasons). So you get to the hill and it doesn't look great. it's very busy, lots of stuff everywhere, but whatever. You start to climb. It's hard going; twigs smack you in the face, brambles grab onto your clothes, you run into spiderwebs you couldn't see and now your freaking out cause there's probably spiders on your face and it feels all sticky. You're having to hack through bushes, push aside branches, fighting and fighting your way to the top of the hill. When you finally make it you're relieved; you're at the top and thank God that's over.

That's sex with men.

Same hill, but this time, you're on the other side of it. You didn't know this side was even here, this side, has a path! You start your way up the trail. It's easy going, you can see where you're headed. There's nice smelling flower you can stop and admire. The whole walk, while it can still take a while, is comfortable. You make it to the top of the hill and you think "wow! This is lovely. I really enjoyed that I think I'll do it again sometime".

That's with women.

So it's the same. But different.

I thought it would be more different (or exactly the same, but that thought filled me with dread). But it's not. It's just easier. And comfortable. And I don't hate it the whole time.

Wild.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

Journal prompts work very well for tarot readings. Also, I'm in a relationship at the moment so, more possibilities.

1. In relationships, the emotion I tend to hide is: reflect

I will agree to almost anything the other person wants. I am a doormat. My side of things, my opinions, if disagreeable, I will hide.

2. My main fear about intimacy is: ego

That I'll make it all about me.

3. What I least want my partner to know about me: cooperation

That I need help. So much help 😭 there are so many things I struggle with and if I had help could actually get done.

4. What I struggle to communicate to my partner: manifest

My plans, my ideas. Things that I want.

5. I feel shame the most in my relationship when: air

Talking is so hard. When I'm trying to say something, but I can't get the words to actually say what I mean and then a different meaning comes out...

6. The thing I struggle to ask for in a relationship is: love

For fucks sake. This feels self explanatory 😑 also, like, true tho. I feel too needy, I hate being needy.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

Spark notes

1. Work - 3 of swords

For serious. I threaten to jump out the window at least once a day. I'm so tired if being there.

2. Family - 5 of coins

I am so tired. I just can't, you know? My kids suffer for it I'm sure.

3. Love - 4 of cups

Ha! Just me. All alone. Wrapped up in myself and fiction.

I have to say, I really like this deck. It's the first one I've actually wanted to read with in a long time.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

Why don't I keep printing my decks?

Because I change! My art improves every time and I don't like the old ones!

Also I am a creative goddess and I have the power to create and the power to make this choice.

Thank you very much.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

Goals for 2021

Page of cups: start dating someone.

2 of wands: walk more. Every time the girls are gone, plus with them.

King of pents: get a good job that pays well. Preferably w good insurance and edo's, but I'm not that picky.

Those are good goals, honestly. Achievable. Mostly. 🤞

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

I figured out why their “that’s too harsh” comments bothered me.

Two reasons, that kind of string together. First of all, I connected that their your too harsh aggravates my need to be honest/my aversion for fake customer service. 

In Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, the part where Skarsgard invites James Bond inside, and Mr Bond knows it’s a bad idea but he does it anyways and then Skarsgard says something like--you knew this was a bad choice but you did it anyways, because your need to be polite overran your need for safety. Something like that. The moral of the story is don’t risk your life to be polite.

Which leads to the next point. How does any big business treat their customers? If a customer complains, the company will bend over backwards to please the person. Why? Easy: money. Businesses will do anything to make a profit, and make sure their customers come back to keep spending money. 

Now we bring them together. I don’t like being taken advantage of, and that’s how people who always ask “but do you have one hidden away?” or ”Oh I’m so sad”, make me feel. Consciously or not, they’re trying to manipulate me into getting what they want. 

I’m not a giant corporation. A large business. I have pride in work. I’m respecting my self here, not doing anything I can to make money. Not selling myself out. I’m no going to grovel and fake my way into people’s wallets. I’m not going to be manipulated into giving people whatever they desire. 

I was wrong when I said “I don’t have any decks stashed away, that’s not how businesses work”. I’m not just a business. I’m also a person. And I’m not going to grovel to make others feel better by giving them their things. I will respect my work and my own boundaries. So screw you. I can be rude. 

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

My current adventure - edges

Changing, transition, crossing. Truth, my husband moves out this week, I'm going to be single. Alone. I'm painting my house. Exciting, but scary.

The adventure I'm moving towards - fog

A feeling, a dream. Bit of a mystery. Can't really tell, but there's hope.

The adventure I should focus on - play

Playing, light heartedness. Pretty self explanatory. Do what feels good. Focus on my own happiness and enjoying stuff.

This is a nice deck. Very friendly.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

Me asking about my house.

The man is dead. Potent. A little on the head. My husband is currently in the process of moving out.

What's next, I ask.

Well...I either get a sugar mama, or I'm seducing a mermaid. I really feel both of those have an equal amount of possibility. Could be, for reals, a sexual adventure. Which is promising! And needed. Thank you. Could be a mermaid. I don't know. I just don't wanted it to be financial trouble. Thank you and goodnight.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

1. Remedy: my introversion is what makes me feel better.

2. Grave: home. I can recharge by feeling safe at home.

3. Tasseography: fortune telling. Self analysing. I don't know who's more conceited here, me or the deck.

4. Offerings: asking for help. Easier said than done.

5. Woman: this is the only one I don't get.

Nice spread though.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

What does my oldest need: loss

She needs to feel the pain, the sadness. She needs to grieve, and to know that I'm sad too. Accept her sadness.

What does my youngest need: unconditional love

This one is pretty self explanatory.

What do I have to remember for them: abundance

Just love them. Spend time with them. Abundance (as it says in the book) isn't about lavashing them with gifts and expensive things; it's about giving them my time, attention, and love. That is what they'll need from me.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

1. My next adventure: the tower

My husband wants a divorce. 😞😢 I mean. It's been inevitable. I'm gay, we weren't going to be together forever. I just thought I would have longer. 💔

2. The door (How to get there) - high priestess

Listening to myself. I'm a lesbian, why should I be staying with a man? You know what you need.

3. Supplies I'll need - the star

Ha! Optimism. Hope. Dreams. Do I want a woman in my life? Of course. Do I think that will happen? Unlikely. But. Dreams are a wish your heart makes.

4. What I need to leave behind- the lovers

😭😭😭 this is obvious. My love. My husband. My dependence on him. I really rely on him, for everything. He's all I have. How can I leave that and still be able to stand? Forrest Gump situation right here. Maybe I don't need the leg braces??

I'm still so scared. And heart broken. Thus whole reading is apt, but extremely painful. Necessary I guess.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

April 1, Fairy tale challenge

Once upon a time, there was a queen with a broken heart, who was about to face a troublesome challenge; there was little money, and so many mouths to feed. But she knew that no matter what, her mind would always make the matters seem worse than they really were.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

March 9

What action can i take towards creating the life I want - levitation

Own that I'm awesome and rise above everyone else. Stop being a doormat.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

March 7

What lessons am I learning now - god of plumes and the sun

Think positively. Sounds lame, but, it's true. I'm trying anyways.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

March 6

Today has been a roller coaster.

What is something my "higher self" wants me to know - consolation

Stop listening to those mean bitches, you're doing awesome darling.

[diary-of-a-broken-crystal]

March 5

Where do I need to be more flexible - the pact

The deal I made with the devil. Give her some leeway. OR. Ha. People in general. They don't follow my strict guidelines, which is frustrating.