diary-of-a-lunatic-blog

[diary-of-a-lunatic-blog]

Life

nobody.

classmate.

friend.

best friend.

friend.

lost.

[diary-of-a-lunatic-blog]

2017-04-30 | Break Time

Studying is hard, being with my parents is apparently harder.

This week I finally got hold of my life (at least a little) and got a place in my introductory seminar course and I went to work twice (even though I could also work from home). I thought everything’s going ok now but apparently not. I’m at my parent’s home over the weekend because I wanted to configure the Pi Zero W to be media center for them but somehow they manged to make me feel like I’m being in my personal hell.

First thing was that after driving for 3 hours they let me stand in the cold for another 30 min until finally picking me up at a parking lot they should have known. After that I was obviously pissed. On the next day we went to my aunt to take a look at the house they bought and what’s still in there from the last owners. So we went there (also 1 or 2 hours later than planned and I waited because they said they would be ready soon instead of doing other stuff) and when we got there about 15:00 we took a look at the house and it was ok but then my parents forced me to help bringing out stuff and such and I was definitely not ok with this. On top of that we were there until about 23:00.

The only “good” thing was that I had my Switch with me so in the later hours I spent time playing with my cousin until we finally left. But what I hated the most was that my time was just stolen from me and I don’t say time is precious for nothing. Also the saying “time is money” isn’t just for show. There is a truth in that. And in my case I was not able to take a look at the papers and literature I wanted to look at for my seminar and I only have 4 weeks left to write the whole damn thing.

More or less fun fact is that one time I sat on the toilet and had this kind of daydream that was like this: Doctor: “You have a cancerous tumor.” - Me: “NICE! How long do I still have?” And I don’t know why but I started to cry immediately afterwards. Not long or hard but a few tears just came out. Similar situations happened throughout the whole stay.

tl;dr got sick because of parents

[diary-of-a-lunatic-blog]

2017-04-24 | Happy (late) Easter

Man, I suck at regular tasks. It’s been now more than 2 weeks since my last (and first) post and so much happened in that time. Well, it probably wasn’t that much but it sure felt like a lot and it’s (almost) all about the money.

First of all happy Easter to everyone. I hope you had a good holiday. Ok, so what happened in the last 2 weeks: I probably made a stupid decision to borrow more money to be able to buy a Nintendo Switch, payed the money my health insurrance wanted (which was less than I thought because they wrote a somewhat cryptic letter), bought the Nintendo Switch and even had a somewhat decent Easter holiday at my parents home.

I still feel a bit terrible about borrowing that much money but my roommate was willing to give it to me even before asking and I tried hard to look to get an extension to my working hours per month which I was promissed finally. So I said to her that I can give her 100€ each month (and maybe even more if I can spare more) and with that I got the money.

After having bought my Nintendo Switch shortly before going to my parents home I could finally start The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild on my own console and oh boi did I explore a lot I haven’t earlier. Some say you can’t buy happiness but that is pretty darn close. I haven’t felt this strong to (almost) 100% a Zelda before and I’m just having fun seeing the scenery and walking through all of Hyrule. I also downloaded Puyo Puyo Tetris (Demo) and now I want this game all the more. I played it a lot with my little cousin which stayed overnight and we both had a lot of fun. She even beat me a few times (mostly at Puyo Puyo though ;) ).

Other than that I had fun coloring eggs and drawing on them (even though it looks really terrible). We had 2 family dinners and a birthday in between and I probably ate too much which isn’t surprising because I always eat way more when I’m there. When I was there I also weighed myself after probably half a year and I really need to lose some kilos.

And now I the new semester started and I should probably start learning shit or else I could get in serious trouble with my university...

tl;dr borrowed a lot of money for the first time, feeling terrible and happy at the same time, had decent easter holiday, now need to work

P.S.: I also did not reach a therapist and I was not in the “mood” to call one, but I definitely still want to.

[diary-of-a-lunatic-blog]

2017-04-08 | Episode 00

Hello and welcome to my new blog “Diary of a Lunatic”. If you’re asking yourself “why is it called Diary of a Lunatic and what even?” then ask no more because here is the answer. For the past 7-8 months I’m fighting my own little demons and in this process I’ve done some good damage to my own mental health. This “diary” is a place for me to write down my thoughts and maybe learning something while processing these thoughts. Also I want this to be at least a weekly thing.

So what happened? Love. Love is always the problem. Love is the downwards spiral of misery.... if you’re not emotionally stable enough to handle the unrequited type. It all started by making contact with an acquaintance from a year prior. At first we started to play a little bit of League of Legends and after that there was a time when we played osu! every night and it was wonderful. Then everything went in all directions...

My then-best friend was breaking contact with me and the whole group of friends I were in because of reasons I thought were nonsense. But there was a grain of truth.

After that I did more stuff with this girl. Having a sushi party at my home, watching anime, meeting almost every day, going to restaurants and talking about personal stuff. Naturally the good ol’ psychology and biology kicked in and I fell in love with her. The sadder part was that after she broke up with her then-boyfriend she said that she’s in love with another person and we talked about him more often than I could handle. Eventually I spoke up and told her that I do care about her but I didn’t like talking so much about him. Ultimately she realised that I was in love with her but never said anything until way later. I just continued to try to hide it but I didn’t knew she knew it already.

...Skipping a few months...

After reestablishing contact with my former best friend and some talks our scattered group came together for New Year’s Eve to “celebrate” the year but it was more hoping that 2017 is less shitty. We also talked about the good things that happened in 2016 which surprisingly existed. One thing was, for example, that I had made a new dear friend but I did not know what would happen to me...

The next strain on my health was a house we (me and a few friends) rented to live on (obviously). The problem with this house was that it wasn’t “finished”. We removed some walls, build another and spent more work in this house than I’m willing to admit. In fact we’re still not finished. And this house is another source of my misery but more of the financial side of life. Since renting this house my wallet grew thinner by every day and my stress went up by every step I took while working. Eventually we finished the rough stuff and moved in and since then (which was 3 months ago) I’m still living on a construction site. It’s just stress-inducing. Every day.

So yeah. We moved in. Had some good plans. And then she called me after a black out period of 2 weeks (I think). So we talked because I asked her prior to that because I wanted to talk to her. So she called me at 12am and we started talking. After stuttering for half an hour or so I finally managed to say to her that I love her. After praising me for finally saying it she also mentioned that she knew it since 3 months ago. And then there was the moment that lifted me up and made me stone cold at the same time.

Maybe you’re asking yourself “didn’t you already knew that she was in love with someone else?”. To that I can say: yes. Yes, I knew it but I still clinged to hope that maybe, just maybe she was also in love with me or that she’s getting together with that person so I don’t have to tell her how I feel and can just live on with it. But I was tortured. Not really by her but by myself and my hope. The hope that destroyed me.

After that I grew colder. I had less emotions. I just did not care anymore. I did have fun with her afterwards. More so than prior but I was empty. I still am. This dear friend which I mentioned earlier also stopped having contact somehow and I felt ignored by my group of friends to the point on which I quietly left the group because I wanted to see what would happen to me. Would I feel something? Would I run back? But eventually I did not care.

Then, last week, I had a really bad day and posted some tweets:

“ If life gives you lemonades just eat all of it puke everywhere. “ “ On that note: Why is the sky blue? Because everyone and everything hates you. “ “ Furthermore: Warframe is so bad of a game that i even invest time i don't have in it. (P.S.: Not really a bad game) “ “ One thing i learned about myself: I like doing fruitless things with the hope of achieving something AKA grinding. “ “ Also: gurrr #pidgeonsftw “ “ Isn't it just funny, this thing called life... “ “ That feeling when you're thinking about buying alcohol and then you remember that you hate alcohol. “

After I wrote those tweets a friend of mine send me a direct message telling me that he can’t stand this negativity and was unfollowing me. He was sad that I left quietly and was trying to make contact with me but couldn’t. I told him that I never saw him trying to make contact with me and that I don’t have friends anymore. I just have people I interact with more or less.

In retrospect it was maybe a little bit to hard but that’s what I felt and still do to some extent. The concept of a “friend” was somehow unfamiliar.

After that I wrote some other tweets:

“ And so another chapter closes itself (more or less) forcefully on me. People are free to do whatever they want to do. “ “ Maybe everything seems bad because I'm bad... “

And there was again a respone. But not from the same friend but from the friend I once called my best friend. He tweeted publicly without directing his tweets to me but because of the timing, the topic and his unfollowing afterwards, I knew it was directed to me. What he ultimately said was that I was telling bullshit and that I should seek help or delete myself.

To be honest I didn’t expect anything less than that but I still felt (almost) nothing. But now I’m feeling hurt. Not directly because of the things they said but because of the things I somehow expected. I got a notice from my health insurance this week and they wanted more money than I even own and the first thing my roommate asked me is if I needed money. And it was this moment I realised again what friends are for. Helping each other. Even if one is acting a bit “unsocial”. It was this feeling I missed in the group. The feeling of being cared for. But I got hit by a wall of not dealing with me because I’m having a rough time.

But the strange thing is that I still somehow want to be with this group of people. Maybe not now but in the near future. And even prior to these tweets I was looking for a psychotherapist but I didn’t feel well asking by myself for an appointment so this roommate who also offered me the money asked in my place and now I just have to wait for a reply. The only funny thing at the moment is I now need the health insurance I didn’t need for almost 7 years (more or less) and now it’s acting up.

So yeah, that was my last half year or so in one blog entry.

tl;dr I’m mentally sick, “lost” my friends, found one again and seeking help.