diary-of-an-addict

[diary-of-an-addict]

I need someone to talk to. I feel more Isolated now in a none abusive relationship then I did when I was being beaten daily.

I need someone I can talk to that doesn’t know me.and I don’t mean a therapist. I need a real friend not just some person from work someone I can truly trust.

The fucked up thing is the person that has always been that person for me now no longer feels safe bc the thing that’s making me hurt is him.

[diary-of-an-addict]

And she wept with such a deep sorrow

The pain of her heart breaking could be heard with ever breath taken between sobs.

How can you love someone be with them for years build a life and a family but your not and never have loved me, and you don’t want me with anyone else.

it was as if someone came in and turned auto pilot my body is still moving and completing required daily tasks, but no ones home emotionally or mentally either really.

There are days it feels almost as if I come to but I’m not asleep and I’m usually in the middle of something like a task driving sometimes even in a conversation. it says if my brain like switches screens like a computer when it opens multiple tabs, but the other tab doesn’t have the memory of the first tab 

[diary-of-an-addict]

I think my marriage is over or on its way😭that way at least…. Sorry it’s so late we have been up fighting but I really needed to tell someone funny idk what to do or think right now. And I don’t feel like I have anyone I can turn too right now. I’ve been fighting with every ounce of my being body, heart, and soul for this to work. All along he never fell in love with me… hate everything about this how am I supposed to fix my side if he is never even started

[diary-of-an-addict]

Hecate is trying to tell me something. I just don’t know what yet but she has my attention. This morning leaving the dollar tree parking lot I noticed a crow on the light post watching me as I left then about 30 min later there were three of them all with their heads pointing straight up to the sky while standing in a circle facing each other.

And the other day like 2 days ago I pulled this reading

[diary-of-an-addict]

I want to get up and get out of bed; but my body is a ten ton skin suit filled with bricks.

I am a stranger in my own body. I don’t feel I can offer anyone anything of if I can’t even help myself.

It always seem to come back to be sitting alone turning to my line feelings into word vomit for you guys because I don’t have anyone around me who I can talk to about this. When I tell DH it is later used against me in an argument. I don’t even he thinks or realizes he is doing it but

[diary-of-an-addict]

Recently I’ve started experiencing a knew for.m

Of dissocialtion. I’m loosing chunks of time not so much in like huge ways but just super spacey and spotty memory. Then there have been multiple times I’m sitting and this feeling of being detached from my body starts to happen. then there have been moments I’m having an emotional out burst due to over stimulation and it pushes me to the point I can’t take it anymore and I snap and yell and it felt like the words coming from my mouth we��re not mine and these intrusive thoughts the thoughts happening in my head in-general right now are scary. And I feel like they arnt mine. I feel as if I’m a stranger in my own body.

[diary-of-an-addict]

Pretty sure my husband is online in live chats masterbating to these game bunnie hoes 😔.

Noticed multiple notifications from a twitch account he is following that’s dedicated to live flirt and speed dating…

I can’t really blame him I guess. I mean look at me I’m a miserable old ugly mom. might as well accept he will be seeking younger pretty girls probably our entire marriage from this point on.

I guess now the question is do I make a big deal about that and the bunch of nudes that arnt me saved in his hidden folder, or do I ignore it and just accept I’m not good enough never was and probably never will be for the babies sake…

[diary-of-an-addict]

I wanted to be a pot headed Addy baddie, but apparently the message got messed up in translation because God gave me pot headed saddie with a sprinkle of vyvance dopamine crash remixed right in there to just kick up the level of psychotic to teetering on mental break down.

So no I don’t see myself as a pot headed Addy Baddie although yes I would love to fit that mold. Just sit at home surrounded by my plants and crystals completely zen in my peaceful space while working my remote corporate job that pays well and has little expectations. Hit penjamin a few times do some art during a zoom call with the board, bc fuck em I get my shit done.

[diary-of-an-addict]

I find it extremely frustrating that I’m the mentally Ill one. I’m the one who has to hear these horrible thoughts flowing through my mind telling me to kill my self run away scream and yell. Yet my struggle to control or act happy makes others uncomfortable so I’m the one who has to be sorry for making them uncomfortable now. I’m sorry my mental illness trying to kill me upsets you so much that you can’t stand to be around me. I don’t want to either but guess what it’s in my brain. but fine I’ll just isolate and not talk about how I feel. Just remember when I off myself while

[diary-of-an-addict]

I think it’s time I can’t take this anymore. DH tells me I’m an emotional terror but I genuinely don’t think I am even doing anything. Yet another reason it’s time to just end this now. I apparently have lost touch with reality and I’m not okay with that. I’d rather be Tatums Dead mom than her crazy mom that’s emotionally unstable in and out of mental wards. God I’m such a fucking joke. Seriously the people that work with me probably have such a blast dumping on me because it’s so easy. I’m a bad mom shitty wife difficult employee. I’m gross can’t event keep up with house hold chore like a normal fucking adult.

My husband is constantly pushing me away. Pretty sure the swinging thing was just an excuse for his to be able to get off with someone not as ugly and psycho as me. Fuck I don’t really blame him. At least if I off myself I won’t have to detox again but with my luck it won’t work.

[diary-of-an-addict]

I would literally run into a burning building in a bikini to save someone I love or care about. So why does it feel those same people wouldn’t even take a piss on it to attempt to save me.

[diary-of-an-addict]

The urge to quite my corporate job, pack up my family and go sell crystals out of a van in Sedona is really starting to appeal to me more and more.

[diary-of-an-addict]

And she felt as if she had been replaced right before her own eyes. She wasn’t even gone yet..

[diary-of-an-addict]

Sometimes I imagine all my passed away loved ones watching my train wreck of a life in just this state of disgust, concern, & Judgement.

All of my friends ex lovers up there just simply like what the fuck dude for real.

My grandparents heads hung low in their hands. The disappointment and shame just flows down off of them as they greet me. 

[diary-of-an-addict]

It’s been months and I can’t shake this sticky depression cloud. It’s like I’ll have a day where I think things may finally start to look up nothing major no mania or anything just feeling okay. Then bam it hits at night starts with a stupid argument that’s pointless if you really think about it then the next thing you know your spiraling.

I’m selfish, aggressive, rude, a bad mom, a bad wife, I can’t do anything right.yelled at the baby again what a pathetic piece of garbage they call AA mother. No wonder god gave you infertility he knew you wouldn’t cut it as a mom. No really likes you, they just tolerate you. You’re a failure. A waist of talent. So much potential just to throw it next to the hamper.

These are merely a small sum of the intrusive thoughts that riddle my mind on the daily. Many times multiple different ones at different times of the day.

Days blur to weeks, weeks blur to months, and now all the sudden I look at the date we are already three months into 2025! what have I been doing where have I been. Shit did I make it to my dr appointment?

This is just a small but common and scary example of how lost pieces of time happen with people who struggle from dissociative, personality, or mood Disorders.

Even worse many psychiatric professionals prescribe bandaid 🩹 medication such as Wellbutrin, at one point in time Adderall, semaglutide, Prozac, lexapro, ect. Those providers are brushing off our symptoms and taking the drug because our “collage educated doctor will straight up tell you what’s wrong with you then look you dead in the eye while they tell you all about this Medication they plan to prescribe that is not related to our symptoms or diagnosis. Infact I’ve even had a prescriber go blatantly against standard recommendations for Bipolar clients to not take antidepressants specifically SSRI medication.

I tried Wellbutrin first . Day one it was as if someone had hit mute on all my internal monologue I wouldn’t be able to think. I was mentally frantic trying to figure out what I should do next while my demeanour is a bit overly calm for my personality type

I think my husband is only with me because of our daughter. he hardly is able to climax with sex. He masterbates almost daily and even right after we have I intercourse. I am loosing weight I’m trying to get ready more regularly but I doubt I’ll ever be good enough for him.

[diary-of-an-addict]

I have this Eerie thought and feeling that I won’t be on Earth that much longer.

I’m sinking again backing into the abyss. That is my fucking chaotic addiction. I really thought she was gone for good this time and it’s funny because she hasn’t actually emerged. Although the other day I did have this awakening moment like I felt a connection where I just knew like it was time it was time to wake up, although like I don’t know that actually anything happened I just feel very uneasy the energy right now is not good I can’t handle it. I feel like when I do express a need for help or an inability to be sufficient. It is overlooked swiped under the rug or may completely ignore it altogether. I feel bad because there’s all these people around me. I’m watching like relapse. Go to the hospital because they’re having relationship problems in their severely codependent another depressed. I see all of our clients checking into our facility and I hear their stories and stuff and it’s just like how the fuck did I end up back here and if I really follow the train of thought, I got burnt out the depression kicked in. I did not feel like I was supported or like I had the ability to really like talk to my work about how I was feeling because there was already so many other people having their own shit happen that like we didn’t need another fucking crapshoot, but then I slowly like tried to integrate the topic into conversations with my peers, direct supervisor, and Husband and I felt as if I was constantly met with disregard almost ignorance and like jumping onto another subject, as if it wasn’t set at all what kind of felt like slight sincere caring, but also like not enough to check in or notice behaviours on their own or think unselfishly regarding like my needs from mental health

I struggle really bad with boundaries specifically with people who I view as authority figures or even just like in normal society if I view, you is like higher than me prettier than me smarter than me better than me in anyway whatsoever I will struggle to set like boundaries regarding my own needs. Now, if it’s something we like someone that I care about is being harmed whether that be emotionally physically or anyway whatsoever insulted I don’t care I will 100% snap off every time. I also don’t like injustice so like not just my family loved ones but like if I see people on the street like messing with old people with special needs people even homeless people you know like leave them alone And I can typically set boundaries in those situations. I’m very good at it. I know what to do but like for my own sake when I know damn well people are fucking using using me like why can’t I do it then a love-hate relationship with the fact that I’m an addict because I’m not actually an addict I am Someone who struggles with bipolar disorder. Severe mood swings and low dopamine levels so I supplement with whatever else I can find, that’s gonna make me happy in the moment I mean, isn’t that fucking psychiatry is too