diaryofafatblacksurvivorblog

[diaryofafatblacksurvivorblog]

The night it happened

At the age of 22 on May 24,2019, I was raped by Bald Dickhead named Chris. It happened in his home on Bell place Drive in Nicholasville Kentucky. He is an occupation therapist. He owned a Ford Focus with a logo on the side of his car. He took me on a date to Texas Roadhouse, and we later went to his place. He met for a couple of weeks and had sex. There was a lot of pressure to have anal sex and have cowgirl position sex. The day it happened, he told me he was going to a friend’s housewarming party and that he would be back in time to see me. I was travelling to Cincinnati for the summer to work with the opera company, so that was my last day to see him. It was around 11pm, and he had not got in touch with me. My backup plan was to go out with my roommate Michelle to the bars. Chris ended up texting me though, and I drove to his place. He was in the shower when I got there, and I was getting ready to change the tv. He got out of the shower, and before I could change the channel, he had taken the remote and put it back on his nightstand. He kissed me, and his breath smelled like liquor. I thought maybe it was the mouthwash, but I asked him what the smell was. He eventually said vodka. I went to his bed and we started kissing and stuff. I do not remember the in between, but I remember him sticking a finger up my ass. I thought the feeling was okay, but I had no interest in anal. Somehow Chris talked me into trying anal. I hated the feeling. It felt like I was going to poop. I remember saying that multiple times. He used lube, which I remember. There was a half of bottle of lube in his drawer, which now makes no sense because he was only seeing me, and we never used lube before then. He also had just moved into that home because he was trying to get away from his girlfriend that cheated on him. After repeating that I thought I was going to poop, Chris got up and yelled “ I told you that you weren’t going to fucking shit. Why do you keep saying that?”. He went in the bathroom and stayed there for like five minutes. He came back out and told me that I liked what he did before and that if something felt good, it was okay to do it. Actually, I think that happened the first time he walked out. The second time he walked out and came back in, he was upset. I remember him slapping my ass and slapping my face. He whispered in my ear “show me” and told me that I needed to do what daddy said to do. Then he told me that he was going to “fuck me and cum in my ass”. I remember feeling scare, like I was having a fight or flight moment. He in fact bent me over and fucked me from behind and came in my ass. I remember letting out moans to pretend like I was enjoying it because I was afraid. Then, he told me to suck his dick. I had the worst jaw tension ever. It was so painful to do. I thought I was going to clinch my jaw or something. The tv was on, but I don’t remember what we were watching. I remember looking at the tv and just thinking that if I could get through it, I would fine. I just needed a distraction. Chris eventually came, and when he did, it was on my face because I don’t swallow. I remember him then wiping my face quickly and going to sleep. I wait until I knew he was asleep so that I could text my friends and cry about what happened. I texted Theseus because I knew he would be up. It was about 3 in the morning. I remember being afraid to go to sleep because I was scared. Theseus told me something weird and up supportive. I eventually fell asleep. Chris woke me up around 7 am to have morning sex and then kick me out. It was a Saturday I believe because I ordered chickfila and taco bell. I called my friend Tevin and told him what happened. I remember he was pretty upset. I went to have shake shack with michelle later that day and texted my roommate Gabrielle to tell her what happened. Chris texted me later that day and said that he had a great time and couldn’t wait to see me again. I responded that I didn’t want to see him again and he said “well you seemed fine this morning”. I then think we got into a back and forth about what happened.

 Since then, ive had sex with four men, one of them being chris. I felt/ feel powerless. That’s something I can never get back. I was seriously raped. I contemplate whether this was a thing that happened to me almost every day. Its coming on a year and I still haven’t told my parents or my sister. I don’t want to seem weak. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want my parents worried about me. I don’t want my parents and my sister to suffer of my behalf. I want them to be happy more than I want that for myself. It’s almost been a year and still have so much hurt and pain in me. I feel so powerless and like I can be subjected to anything at any time. Im worried for myself a lot. I want justice. I want strength. I want power. I want so much, yet im here. Just reliving this nightmare. Just hoping that better days come. Just hoping that God protects me.