diaryofasmallghost-blog - Tumblr blog

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I don’t watch the Bachelor but I’m really glad i know people who do so that I can be informed that on tonight’s episode the current bachelor took off all his recording equipment jumped over a fence and ran away into the forest

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Surreal

So I’m sitting here in LA at a hotel at 2:04am, working on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I’m working overnight every weekend for 12 weeks.

I also got a job during the week at Nordstrom in logistics. It’s definitely not something that I enjoy doing or that I am proud of. I also hate working 7 days a week, I just want one day off to chill and I feel like it’s made me kind of grumpy.

Both of these jobs are only temporary, and then I go back to America’s Got Talent for 6 weeks and then I have nothing lined up.

I’m sick of this eternal job search, just want to find something permanent that I enjoy and won’t make me miserable.

Anyways, this job gives me lots of spare time while the drag queens sleep, so I decided to start working on my documentary about bipolar disorder again. I came here for ideas for the documentary and reading some stuff I wrote was pretty helpful. I’m pretty stable right now. It’s crazy to think about all of the shit I went through looking back on it and remembering how it felt. I feel kind of lucky that I was able to be stabilized without experiencing psychosis again (yet).

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Haven’t written on here in forever, just want to say things are going really well. Got a job on one of my favorite tv shows for a few months!

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I may not be a perfect person but at least I have never yelled at an employee in a store

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Sometimes I think of my mental illness as a hidden superpower, like I can alter reality in my mind in a way a “normal” person couldn’t even imagine

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This is literally what happened last time I went to art therapy 😂

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Literally me

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i really needed this today, so for anyone else who might

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ever notice that the mean voice in ur head that insults u is awful confident for something thats literally never done anything in its life except be mean to you… like… one of us is pathetic and its not me buddy… get a hobby… yikes

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i want a lot from life and im gonna get it…………. bich

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Good things

Reminding myself about all the good things in my life. I’ve gotten to work on 2 tv shows this month, hopefully will be getting more of that type of work and advance in production. I have an boyfriend I’m crazy in love with who lets me live rent free in San Diego which is an amazing city, I have an adorable pup who’s always there for me, I’ve made a lot of new friends lately, and I’ve been able to work on my videography and photography portfolio because now I have people who actually want to shoot with me. And I’m pretty stable with my bipolar medication besides sometimes getting into depression.

Trying not to worry/stress so much and practice mindfulness, it feels better than focusing on the negative.

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MSA

It’s been really hard seeing my mom deteriorate from her MSA. Every time I see her she’s worse and worse. This time she couldn’t even sit up straight or hold her head up, her mouth was all contorted with her tongue sticking out and she was carrying around a cloth because she was constantly drooling uncontrollably. It takes her 4-6 hours to try to eat because she can’t really chew or swallow. She’s down to about 80 pounds now. All I feel when I hug her is bones. She can’t really talk, it just sounds like gibberish but sometimes I can guess what she’s saying. I miss how she always knew what to say to make me feel better. I miss my mom before MSA ruined our lives

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I have no bath bombs but I have a bath bong which is just where I bring my bong to the bathtub 🤷‍♀️

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It doesn’t matter if it takes you longer to get there. If those around you travel faster, so be it. You are creating your own story. Your own road map. Your own adventure. There are no time limits; all that matters is that you get to where you want to go.

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin (via thepowerwithin)

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did i save these pics or did they save me

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