diaryofawimpycanadian-blog

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

My Mind and my Body.

I'm realizing there is more than one voice inside me. Inadvertently while I was alone, I would speak aloud and refer to myself as "we". I've been catching it lately and have been wondering why.

Now that I'm doing more bdsm play, I'm realizing who those voices belong to: my mind and my body. I feel like the relationship is more like a master and pet, and making my pet happy also makes me happy, but I have my hands on the leash. My mind is dominant, and strong. My body is submissive, impulsive, and a people-pleaser.

I hear my body speak to me in forms of feelings and intuition, and sometimes quick thoughts, which could just be me interpreting my intuition without realizing.

It could even be my subconscious that I'm hearing and not my body communicating to me, or maybe there are more voices I need to distinguish within me. Sometimes it feels like 3, but who owns the heart? Does it have its own voice?

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

I feel drawn to so many arts

Yet I am stuck.

Music is so amazing, but it seems like something over my head.

Photography looks so fun and beautiful, but I don't seem to have the gumption.

Aerial arts are so entrancing, yet I only go to one class.

I think about writing almost every day, yet I never start a page.

Drawing and art are the main ones I do, but I don't even do those like I used to.

I feel this creative energy inside me. Why do I waste it?

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Do you ever feel like you're wasting your potential?

I feel it. But I don't know where to direct it....

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

All he cares about is himself

He doesn't care if he hurts me, he never apologizes. He never thinks he does anything wrong. He makes a weird advance on me that I don't like? Well fuck you I'm going to bed, he basically says. Yeah. That's how to get laid. I want to have sex too. I just want to be attracted to you. Being annoying and trying to harass me doesn't turn me on. Did it used to? I think I liked being embarrassed back then, but being a fucking creepy weirdo isn't hot. I want a cool sexy man, not an annoying man child. We used to have sex multiple times a day and now it's barely once a week. Sex feels pointless to me and being intimate with someone sounds less appealing all the time. Sometimes I miss the feeling of someone listening to me and making jokes and flirting with me in a cool way. This has come to this point because we aren't the same to each other anymore. You have built up resentment for past rejections, I'm not submissive anymore. I felt like that was a part of me I liked but I can't seem to be vulnerable in front of him anymore. Was I pretending to be someone else? I played with other people then. Playing with people now just doesn't seem worth it, almost like the only pleasure I got out of it was pleasing the dominant.

Im probably on the cusp of a big life change.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

All I want to do is crawl under this table and die

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

February 5. 5:55pm

"would I be more athletic and happy if I walked less weed?"

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

I fucking hate waking up and going to work

Why do we have to so this as a society? Haven't we figured out a way to let people follow their hearts instead of being slaves?

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

At work, trying not to cry

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I need a vacation

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

I feel like shit.

My body hurts. I'm not getting to be creative. I'm liking my job less and less. It feels like the only reason I'm here is for the money and its hardly worth staying over. I thought I'd want to be here if I had benefits, but I'm tired. I'm tired of carrying things around, I'm tired of monotonous work, I'm tired of being sore all the time. I thought I liked the physical aspect of my job, but I feel unhappy when I wake up and unhappy while I'm at work. I plaster on the fake smile for most people but it's starting to feel like there's a weight on my chest. I don't know what I should do. I need to work on a creative side hussle, but I feel so drained by the time I get home. I'm going to have more days off soon, but the only thing I wanna do in my spare time is play WoW and smoke weed. Are they both stopping me from being the person I want to be?

My friend from out of town was visiting and it was so much fun seeing her, but this week she has been here has made me want a more fulfilling life. I feel like I'm getting roots here and it's harder to leave. Do I wanna leave? I wish I had a van or something that had a room just for me. Somewhere I can make art or go on my computer as much as I want, without anyone having expectations of me... It seems so childish. It's all I have been thinking about for the last two weeks.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Crying before work

I don't usually have a good sleep, especially if I need to wake up before 9am and I haven't gotten enough sleep. My throat and stomach are bothering me. I couldn't stop crying this morning. I hate this. Am I lazy? Am I unhappy with my job? I think I'm just unhappy about the premise of exchanging time for a monetary value. My time is so valuable to me and I feel like I waste so much of it... I don't know what I can do, though. Art school would be amazing but I don't have the money to live the life I want and go back to school. I can't believe I wasted the one time I'll probably go to post secondary for something stupid like computer graphics. I hope I get to use it one day. Fuck I hate money.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

The age old question

I guess I'm starting to understand the real duality people experience in their lives. Who you are vs who you think you are. I used to think that was the line, but I'm starting to see that people are who they want and try to be, but there is a side of themselves that leans towards the things we don't need; a side that prefers impulse and instant gratification. I'm always trying to figure out if that part of me is what I truly want or not. I'm even seeing how often people explode and say things they don't mean, giving in to their weaker urges. Is success what seperates the good side from the bad side? Is it love from others? I guess it falls into the spectrum of morality, though that can be very perceptive.

I have taken so many personally assessments and they usually seem to fall into the same category. Everything seems consistent but I feel like it is too specific; I don't always feel like the person it's describing except when I'm at my best.

Is life just constant battle to be your best? I guess that's all we can do.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Another day, another freak out.

So just because you don't like what I have to say warrants you saying things to hurt my feelings? You feel so justified... How can you care so little about my feelings?

I don't even feel like myself around you anymore.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Here we are, again

I'm histerical. You're mad. I'm wrong, you're right, as always.

I don't know what to do, as I always seem to say.

I said I didn't want to get involved with his drama with the construction site, and now I have to get rid of the cat we just adopted yesterday. It hasn't even been 24 hours. If he makes me get rid of this cat, I'm leaving too. He is only doing it to hurt me. Why does he want to hurt me?..

This whole thing is insane and I'm not interested in stupid drama like this. He is just trying to control and hurt me and it's half working.

I just wanna talk to him and work it out, but he won't listen to me or talk to me. Should I just give up? He's saying he wants to distance himself from me because he can't believe he is dating someone like me. I shouldnt stick around. Who says that to their partner of 4 years? Can we still not talk about anything without us breaking up over it?

Happy 4 year anniversary.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Pushing myself out the door, crying.

This isn't the life I want. Crying because of him. Crying because of work. I feel sick and I don't know if it's from what I ate last night and the coffee I had, or I'm stressed and repressing things. It feels so hard to breath.

I don't want to be this desperate. Desperate to be included, desperate for money. Everything I do seems to be the wrong choice, the wrong words. I'm losing relationships and gaining them so fast, it's making my head spin.

I don't feel okay. I feel constantly uncomfortable and sore.

I don't even know who I am anymore or if I'm just trying too hard to be something I'm not. Why does it always feel so hard?

On the other hand, it feels like a long time since I felt this heartbroken. I don't understand why I can't come with him to the forest... It always feels like a punishment for something, which I am sure it is. "you go out without me!" he tries to tell me, though he is the one who never wants to go out. How can he still say he is going to go when it hurts me? Is this the kind of relationship I want to be in?

I hate this.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Great, now I think he went out on a fuck date. Why would he trim his beard a little bit to see his parents? Everytime i have gotten this feeling, i have been right. He better not be fucking still lying to me. He must want me to break up with him. Wouldnt i look like a sucker if he was doing this on purpose to try to make me break up with him and i just kept taking it...

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Im reaching the end of my rope here and you keep pushing me further down it. Im tired of this shitty relationship. Im tired of being treated like this. Thanks for not letting me know you were going to your parents' for dinner. Talk about proof we're still not, and i guess never will be, a real relationship. How hard is it to communicate with me? Why do you still act like this after dating for so long? I guess its because it will never change. Its so frustrating and sad that a loving relationship is going to end because of you and how you treat me. My friend noticed i was repressing emotions from a couple conversations with me. She was right. I feel like something is trying to get out of me, but there isnt anyone who cares to listen. I feel like any time i talk to someone about whats actually bothering me, they pull away. Inside Me isnt the cool, fun Me that everyone loves. Inside Me is fucking struggling and lonely and scared.

[diaryofawimpycanadian-blog]

Why why why why Why am i so obsessed with you? I cant let go of my feelings for you. I dont even know why they exist, you have barely given me the time of day... i dont understand... i have most boys chasing after me, but the one i want is extremely hard to catch. Too hard, even. Do you even like me? Am i too annoying? Why dont you think im cool or like me enough to hang out? Its like you'll only ever see me as a kid.