diaryofkaylanicole

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Today I was reminded of how long and how short your time is on earth, well at least knowingly. Let just say I’m lucky enough to make it to at least 80, that’s only 50 more birthdays, 50 more Christmases, 50 more New Years, you get the point. When you really sit down and think about it, that’s nothing. And if you break it down further, Aubri has only experienced 3 of the first 30 with me so that’s 53 more years he has with me…assuming my time isn’t short or longer than that. As sad as that makes me cause lord knows I pray I die before you, it always puts life into perspective for me. I want my love for you to be able to transcend time. I want you to feel it decades after I’m gone. I will forever tell you how you are the best thing that ever happened in my life. A depth of love I never knew was capable. You are my soulmate. I can’t explain it but I just know I’ve known you in other lifetimes. I love that I get to be loved by you. You’ll never know how much that means to me. You’re the one person I get to spend forever loving as openly and freely as I want. Point is I will spend my whole life pouring as much love into you. Your MiMi and grandpa this weekend were telling me how I’m not as cocky as I should be and I should really pop my shit and it just made me think about how they have always spoken life into me. Always been my biggest hype man and made it possible for me to think I can have and do whatever I want in this lifetime. I want all of that for you. I want every moment, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every month, every year to matter even if it’s the smallest moment. The other day I smiled just walking up the stairs with you cause although you’re becoming extremely independent, you reached your little hand out and I found myself wanting to remember what your little hands feel like cause I know they’ll one day be bigger than mine. People say you’re too big to pick up but I’ll do it for as long as I can cause one day you’ll be picking me up. I want to soak in as many moments of each age with you. My life had purpose before you but you made it matter more than it ever could have. You’ve taught me love in the deepest way possible. And if I don’t do anything right in this life, I will know I poured all that perfect love right back into you. Thank you for so perfectly being you but for also being mine. With realizing how limited your time is, it’s really that much more important to celebrate the people who choose you. I’m so happy I get to spend the rest of my time with you by my side ❤️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Today was a big reminder to not die wishing I had done more so I should just always do the most lol. This one TikTok where this girl said her mom burst into tears on her death bed because she wished she had done more. There’s only 3 things I could ever hope for in this life which is 1) die before my children 2) have my children live the most beautiful vibrant lives 3) dying without any regrets. So I feel like that message was specifically for me today. Sometimes you just need a reminder that everyday isn’t promised so everyday is a day to live to the fullest. I need to be able to lay my head down everyday and be happy if that was to be my last day. Although I’m doing good, I don’t feel like I’m living as fully as I could be. The good part is I’m not scared at all which I love for me cause I’m usually so hesitant about anything close to my heart and I really feel like I have completely opened up to all these new experiences and just having a willingness to see what’s out there/ I just don’t want to waste a minute. Like the other night sitting with my parents and Aubri and I just realized one day this all won’t exist and I want to take in every moment. It’s not a fear of missing out but more so a fear of looking back and wishing I had taken in the moment more. I am notorious for waiting until I’m ready to fully experience things but I want to be more conscious of enjoying the experience as it’s happening and then going even bigger when I am at my peak. This is all to say universe I heard the message ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

So today I got a little worried cause I got triggered BUT came to the realization that’s it’s completely okay to say hey I miss how someone felt about me while also saying I’ve moved past being with that person. I miss having that mutual feelings for someone while also being very excited at the fact that it’s out there for me lol. It’s very conflicting feelings sometimes but it’s part of the process lol. What I’m really proud of is the fact that I made it known. Lord knows the old me would have taken that right to the grave with my pride. But man I’m much a open book lately that I literally don’t care what people know when it comes to me lol. I am allowing myself the room to feel whatever I feel at the moment, regardless of if it’s what I should feel and that’s just where I’m at. But it also feels good to not just run here to say something because I’ve already said it to the person so this is really just a release for me to ramble lol. It all goes back to wanting my life to be a great experience so who tf cares what I have to say lol. I still love that man, that’s just the reality so some shit still hurts and some shit still feels better than it should when I he says it. It still doesn’t change what’s happening at this very moment and that’s the part that feels good. I can feel good at the fact that I’m okay loving him and saying this isn’t working out and I’m still excited to meet someone who it will work out with lol. I wish I could actually have a in depth conversation with someone about how I feel and it makes sense and I’m like omg I’m not crazy but I’m also okay being crazy because it’s my mf life lol. If I don’t do anything, I’m going to leave this earth exactly how I want to with being transparent about who I am lol. This is the part where I feel the happiest cause before I used to hide so much of myself and now I’m just like fuck here it is take it or leave it lol. It’s weird cause I have never cared what people thought of me but I was still scared of just flat out being like fuck it take it or leave it cause I didn’t want anyone to leave it lol…but when you truly don’t care it’s so easy to just be you lol. I’m also happy that I have found peace in trying to understand the things I can and the things that I can’t, I leave it like it is and hope to have understanding and clarity later or to have peace in never knowing. I’ve really said life give me whatever and I’ll somehow make it into what I want but I’m not stressing myself out over it lol. Anyways, I’m doing good at living in the moment, expressing myself, giving myself some grace to feel whatever while also understanding it’s feelings so I can always feel different but I can do that on my time ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

This season is all about proving to myself that I can accomplish something I really want. Saw a TikTok that said most people don’t trust themselves enough to reach their goals because they’ve given up multiple times before. I want this shit BAD! I legit want to put every ounce of effort I have into this just to say I did that shit! I did some shit I never thought I could do, pushed myself to places I thought I couldn’t go. I need to prove to myself that anything is possible. I just know if I get this right, no one can tell me shit about what I can and can’t do! Like how crazy would it be to come out with a body better than before I had a baby. Sexy af, confident as fuck even though I am now but lord knows I love backing my shit up lol. I want extraordinary and it has to start with me so this is my commitment to myself ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

So I won’t lie I was feeling a bit down yesterday and woke up kinda feeling the same which lowkey kinda blew my high of the last few weeks but everything is literally full circle so I’m back up lol. I’ve said before that this version of me feels like the most beautiful, but why tf did I not think all the other ones were lol. Being in this situation and trying to always say the right things and do the right things but like I was still amazing when I did the wrong things. And wrong is used hella subjectively seeing as how I just did what I wanted to do in the moment lol. It all goes back to me wanting to have the best life experience. I’ve played myself for so long trying to do everything right and boom it hit me that I have done everything right lol. Will it be right to everyone, nope but I don’t give a fuck lol. I’m not a saint. Won’t ever be a saint. And don’t want to be with a saint lol. It’s like it has to randomly hit me that I am already everything I want to be and I’m already everything someone wants. I don’t want someone who is getting the most polished reserved version of me cause knowing me I won’t always be like that. It’s literally the reasons I have zero regrets. One of my biggest things I took from this past relationship was the fact that I am not sure on a lot but I’m am for damn sure that man showed me every unfiltered part of who he is and I still loved every inch of it lol. And probably why I had the most fun I’ve ever had with someone. I don’t need the worlds version of perfect. If I can fall in love with everything that’s already perfect enough. It’s perfect enough that you want to fully be yourself around me. All that to say why have I never seen myself that way lol. Im always the hardest at giving myself the same grace I can easily hand out to other people. It makes me want to laugh cause it’s like who tf are you holding back for lol. It’s like a forget that I actually like myself lol. I don’t want a traditional life. I want a life full of excitement and I want a love that is thrilling and scary and exhilarating and bursting at the seems with love. Thats the love I want Aubri growing up seeing. Thats the life I want him to have. I mean life is so short and why would I want it to be anything short of extraordinary. When they are speaking at my funeral, although people might be sad, I at least want people to be like damn she did that lol. Who wants to die wishing they had done more when life has so many opportunities to do everything. This is just my reminder of who tf care and wild out lol.

[diaryofkaylanicole]

It feels so weird but I feel like I have front row seats to watching myself turn into the most beautiful version of myself. I’m falling in love with myself. It all makes me want to cry because I can literally feel all the pieces falling together to have everything I’ve ever desired. This is the person I always wanted to be. I think one of the most beautiful things to witness is when someone is rambling about something they are passionate about and you see their eyes light up like a little kid. I feel like that’s what it’s like watching someone fall in love with themselves and how can you not further fall in love with that. Yeah it’s nice to be in love with me, even better to be in love with my baby, but there’s so much more in the world than me. I want to see your face light up to your favorite song or when you go to concerts. I want to see I’m the joy it brings when you accomplish a life goal. I’ve been falling in love with all those little things and I can literally feel my happiness radiating off of me. And I can’t really think of anything more attractive. What a beautiful journey it is to create these lives full of passion and then share those passions together. Confidently loving yourself so that other people love you the same. I guess I finally feel like I’m worthy of such a beautiful love and it’s not that I didn’t think I was before, I was just never confident in it. This journey has been so life changing. It’s such a weird feeling especially someone with anxiety. Like I can ramble about it all day. I try not to but it makes me excited lol. It just takes everything further. Like I love feeling seen but it’s different to be in love with what you saw. Yes I want to be seen but I want the depth of seeing all the beauty behind it. Like beyond understanding me but I want you to see if through my eyes. Idk it’s deeper and I believe it’s extremely rare to find but it exist because I’m experiencing it. Idk how to describe it but it feels like a whole new experience within myself.

[diaryofkaylanicole]

One of my favorite things about just trying to give myself the best life experience is being more present. Last night was a sweet reminder of that. Had I been worried about something else, I would have missed the cutest moment of watching you dance, missed my chance to hype you up, missed seeing how happy that made you. I’ve seen a good number of videos lately about when you die, you get to see your life play out again. I hope I get to see and feel every moment from when you entered my life. Every time you’ve grabbed my face, every time you’ve kissed me, every time you’ve smiled. I also saw a video of a child asking her mom what she wanted her to remember after she was gone and I really hope you know just how much I love you. Love isn’t a strong enough word to describe what I feel for you. The sheer beauty of you makes me cry. You’re literally perfection. I will always be grateful for the joy you’ve brought to my world. I hope to be present for every little minor thing in your life just so you forever know how special you are ❤️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

[diaryofkaylanicole]

1. So my bestfriend brought up a good point of taking nudes so I already know what my best work looks like even if I don’t have anyone to send it to yet. Part of me wonders if she just wants to see me naked but apparently she’s already seen some of mine, which was unknown to me. Anyways she’s right, as confident as I am, getting naked in front of someone makes me want to die from anxiety which I’m sure the gym is helping with but ugh lol. I wanna take my clothes off and be like hell yeah this is a good one lol. Every once in awhile I come across my old ones and I’m like yesss let’s bring this back, regardless of if anyone ever sees it.

2. Working out consistently raises libido. Not that mine needed any help but I made the mistake of waiting to take my next pack of birth control cause I was late picking it up which causes me to actually ovulate and omfg waterfalls lol. I feel like I haven’t been this horny since I was pregnant and that was like next level. But what they also don’t prepare you for is being extra horny but being too tired when you get in bed so you just pass out lol. And maybe that’s why I’ve been having all these crazy dreams because I am going to bed all hyped up and lol.

3. I need to actually accomplish one goal at a time instead of trying to do a million things at once cause then I just end up with a lot to do and tons of motivation to do them but only get a little bit of each thing done instead of actually completing one task.

[diaryofkaylanicole]

I told myself I wanted a good life experience. It’s allowed me to be more open to different things in my life and I definitely definitely think within the past month, it’s open my mind to how I want my experience to be. I had someone cross my mind recently and boom out of nowhere he reached out. It could be completely friendly, could be more but he excites me. I want to know more about him. I don’t know what it is but he intrigues me. I’m completely fine if it is nothing more than friends but there’s just something about him I like. Maybe it’s the fact that I really don’t know much about him besides a few things we had in common in high school when I was way too shy and self conscious to have ever really gotten to know him. But if he is nothing more than just a quick run in, he gives me hope that there’s someone out there for me. Although I’ve enjoyed getting to know people, they aren’t exciting lmao. I appreciate the fact that I can pull some good looking women and men but they just fill the time. And it’s more motivation for me to stick what I’ve said all along, the right person will come to me. I’ve felt it in my gut for the longest and this kinda feels like confirmation of that even if it’s nothing. It’s nice to be excited for something good to happen to me even though I trust in its timing for whenever it happens. I don’t feel like such a hopeless romantic anymore. Like I’m okay with getting my heartbroken if it means coming back to this feeling. It makes me excited to feel this with anyone which is probably the best part of it all. Maybe that is what’s exciting because if it’s not him, it will be someone but at least I know I’m not broken forever. At least I know I won’t have to settle for some love that just feels good because I don’t want to be alone. I still get to have that exciting, heart racing, butterflies every time I see you kind of love. A love where I keep falling more deeply in love with the person I continue to grow to understand. That’s my favorite part of falling in love with someone. You learn all the things that make them tick, you learn all the stuff you hate, the stuff that annoys you, the stuff frustrates you, the stuff that makes it difficult on top of all the amazing things you learn and it makes you love them more. To be seen fully and loved and desired in return. So thank you to you for giving me hope in all of that again ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Understanding people isn’t for the weak. Understanding yourself is even harder. But the more I go for both, the more I like who I am 🥰 hands down my favorite thing about myself. My favorite form of intimacy. I talk so much shit about vulnerability being hard but I love how it feels. I’ve been on a series of TikToks talking about death and I just think if my life is going to flash before my eyes, might as well make it a beautiful movie. I want to say I took every moment in for what it’s worth. See the beauty in the hard moments. This one person has been a hard moment but I feel good letting it be. It feels right. I like to think if I really loved someone to their core, that eventually I’ll grow to understand them again. I think understanding someone is the deepest form of love and in letting that person go, I’m putting that love into action. And in all it makes me fall more in love with myself which makes me better at receiving love. I’ve always been a fan of slowly falling in love with someone cause you get to see why they are the way they are and fall in love with those parts too. Makes it all special and if you’re going to live your life, might as well make it special. I want Aubri to look back and think it was all special. There’s so insignificant moments if you don’t want it to be. I’ll forever be grateful for how that little boy helps me see love and in turn see life. I just know our souls keep finding each other and it’s crazy to think I was terrified of being a mom because he feels right. Just have to trust my gut ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Alignment goes beyond love

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Yesterday was such a moment of clarity. I like where I’m at and I like sitting in my emotions and just letting them lead the way ☺️

[diaryofkaylanicole]

I don’t feel okay but I am okay.

I won’t always feel this way.

I’m here for a reason even if I don’t know the reason.

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Vulnerability is always going to be a soft spot with me. I’ll say it until I’m blue in the face that all I want is to be understood and to understand the people in my life. No matter how I may come off that’s always the goal. I understand I’m not always the most logical but it’s still nice when people try to figure it out. I’m a lot. I’m always going to be a lot. I’m not going to say the right things in the right way and that’s fine. But I need people in my life who can handle that. I need someone who’s going to go back and forth with me until we figure it out. I don’t have all the answers and if going back and forth gives me a sense of understanding then I’m good. I’ll have my sad moments but I won’t live in them forever. Won’t beg to be understood but I’d be lying if I said I’ll never try again. When my feelings are hurt, I act off emotions which most of the times comes off completely wrong but shit I’m human lol. At least I still want to try to understand even when I’m mad lol. I just may be a little crazy lol. Whatever the case may be, I’m going to live in whoever tf I am because I do me the best and whoever sticks it out has a lifetime of me. Life is too short to hold back and I don’t want to just cause I’m scared of losing people or feel like I’m never heard.

[diaryofkaylanicole]

I’m going to try something out that I’ve never done before and I know it’s not going to be understood but I think it’s going to be good 😊

[diaryofkaylanicole]

Trying to find a way to balance it all while still getting everything I want. This is my reminder to keep going.