diaryoftragicmess

[diaryoftragicmess]

29 september 2019

I am scared because i feel like im falling for s....d. He is extremely sweet and he likes me too. And he replies back on time and lsitens to me and relate to me and respects me and is smarter than me and he works harder than me and sad like me and he is tall too. Idk i get this warm fuzzy feeling and a wanting you know like I used to get with d...v. And I guess there are butterflies too and electricity too. I dont wanna feel these. I cant feel this. Because im not gonna be with him but im addicted to his existence. I cant go few hours without him . I'm addicted and I have a crush. He is addicted and he has a crush. I am getting married in about 50 days. This is such a mess. I know he has feelings for me but he doesnt know even i have for him. But i will never tell its foolish to tell him because theres no future. My fam would never acceot him and he is not the kindof person i want for my lifetime. My fiance is. Idk whats happening but i know there will be pain, a lot of it and consequences too. Idk how I get myself into such messes maybe its the bpd because peopel with bpd always tend to do such crazy things. Idk. I will update.

[diaryoftragicmess]

28th september 2019

I cant believe my last post was me speaking things into existence. I cant believe this is happening. It isnt that exciting as I thought but it is calming because i dont bave anxiety ir a sense of failure constantly looming over my head anymore. But its happening on 24th. Less than 60 days till the d day.

I thought things will change or i will change but they arent changing. I am still the same toxic person i was. I dont pray. I talk to s....d still day and night. Miss him when he is not around. Has still not slimmed down. Still ugly. Still baldish. I have no savings to start my shopping and I feel like this is the calm before the storm. And my life is going to completely change soon and I still havent registered it in my head. I don't think its possible but it is happening. It is happening.

[diaryoftragicmess]

10 august 2019

Stay unbothered. You know why? Because you will get married before this year ends anyway and to the best person. You know you will. Ask me why? Because i have been praying for it. Ofcourse it will be sanctioned. God is merciful. Stay calm. December is coming. Get ready for it. Save up. Slim down. Do single things. December is coming.

[diaryoftragicmess]

01012017 1030am #tbtentry

So I deleted snapchat, disabled my insta and twitter. And I havent felt this light and myself ever before in months. All these were so toxic to my soul. Now I feel rejuvenated and I can literally think clearly. She was a toxic person to me. No she wasnt a toxic person in general. But only to me. She had taken up every thought process and gyri/sulci of my brain. It wasnt her fault. It was just my obsession. And just one day without her and I feel so good already. I dont even want to install snapchat back after exams but lets see. Music had been the destruction of me and I didnt even notice how toxic it was getting to me. And my resolution included no music so that also had led me to breathe. Alhamdulillah. Without Allahs help and guidance, I wouldn't be strong enough to make this decision. This shows how much your Maker loves you and helps you in times when you yourself didnt know you needed help. Now I have to study... 19 days to go. Adieu.

[diaryoftragicmess]

15 july 2019

Hello there it's me. I posted one quite recently but tumblr glitched and it did not post it so anyways hi again. Life's still shittt but atleast my pms is over. I had the worst pms in a while. And my period was also horrible. I fainted yesterday and the pain wallah horrifying. Today is day 2 and I'm in mild pain so its okay.

So I was again almost hopeful be married to this person or the other one and thay didnt happen again. A... and I.... . One was homeless and other was old and bald. I mean at this point I'm like okay with anything but honestly I guess its really not okay. So that's that. And the no coincided with my pms so things got a lil out of hands with me throwing anger and depression fits etc. I guess the more difficult pms is the more painful that month's period is. Maybe it's correlated.

And because of my stupid pms, I missed d.... so fucking much and I knew i was being extremely unreasonable but i couldnt stop it. And we havent been talking quiet well since a couple of weeks now. He was texting me all day when he was in india and i knew it was very temporary. And the day he flew back everything went back to how it was. He hardly texts me or when he texts me and i reply back he doesnt reply for a week or more and reply with some irrelevant bullshit and disappears again for a few weeks. Its absolutely stupid to pursue him or to have anything to do with him. I knew that but this pms I couldnt think of anyone else but him and the day I got my period, my brain went back to normal lol and he vanished from my thoughts immediately and coincidentally he texted me yesterday some weird thing, irrelevant and senseless to which I didn't care to reply, like a mature person. If he would have texted me a day before things would have been different. Idk how and why my hormones and chemicals make me so unreasonable and out of my own control.

So anyway I should be studying but I dont want to because 1st of all I'm lazy and 2nd of all I want a man and babies. Not books. So yeah I have been sent up to study but I'm writing this stupid blog. My life is still aimless and there is no man. M.... and her husband are having such a good time and she shared me some details of you know what too and also he brings her flowers he takes her to places etc I wish i was lucky enough but I guess I'm not. And also S..... got married and she keeps saying how blissful married life is for her and is also going on dates. Of course I will get jealous. And ofcourse I don't want to sit in my room and study.

But that's what I can do anymore. I jave no option. No man, nothing. But it doesn't pain me much as I'm on my period and not pms. But still a constant dull longing never goes away, does it?

[diaryoftragicmess]

27/12/2016 0510pm #tbtentry

Its like everyday I like her even lesser. I worry about her so much and stuff. And she sees me alone and doesnt even try to come up and say hi or salaam. I dont even want to snap her anymore. And I havent been. I am sure she might be feeling that something might be up by now but that love just faded away and day by day it keeps fading even more. And thats a good thing i suppose coz atleast i will get out of this obsession but still. It aint even hurting or maybe its hurting too much that it aint hurting now at all. I dont know. Its just that I feel so much like i dont fit in in my batch. If it wasnt for s..a i would have been completely alone. Completely. And blank too because no knowledge. As I had thought before u...a is my centre of wellbeing in college. And that I have had said like years ago. And I am right. Ussko pataalena toh bas aasani hojaati and i guess i gotta cut the ego and be besharam which also i said before. And be a bitch too. And be pushy too. And dont think about others and what they might think bas chipkajaao whereever you can and dont be alone. Just apna kaam nikaallo. And concentrate on studying. One more day tomorrow to go. And then woh 4 din in February bhi hai na. Focus on U....a. Be chipku af. And kaam nikaalo. And i duno what to do with z....b and that snapchat thingy of her. Mujhe ab naturally snaps nahi aarahe hai. Maybe i have outgrown her. Maybe thats true. I hope its true. I want to fucking leave her in 2016. Took so much of my mind space. And the worst part is I thought she was someone different. I thought she was a good person. But she wants me to snap her because it lifts up her ego (as per her tweets). Iam literally done with her. Honestly, this time I aint coming back. She showed me her true face during these 3 days. And about her unconditional love for u...a. Im done. After all that i have said. After all those tears. After all those sorry and everything. She does every fucking thing like previously. Not a single change in behaviour. Nothing. Who the fuck she thinks i am. Just a fucking ego booster sending her all those snaps. Nuh uh. I am over you bitch. It was your last chance. Now you just nobody to me. I am sorry but I dont even care about you even deep down. This was last chance and you failed it miserably. You wont get back those 2nd and 3rd yr friendship ever again. That was the past. Now is the present and InshaAllah in the future. We have no future. InshaAllah. I should have known that birds of same feather flock together. She and u....a are inseparable so yeah both are equal to me now. Both are same thats why they are together. What was fucking wrong with me lol. Why did i not see that long ago. Once a bitch always a bitch. So i am done with this entire z....b thing. And she means nothing to me now that i have seen her truly. I dont mean nothing to her and i share the same feeling. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I cant never thank Allah enough for removing all these toxic people in my life. But for now I need to show them who I am really are.

[diaryoftragicmess]

21 january 2019

Just a random rant.

Today I intentionally skipped my antidepressants because I felt like I didn't like them for some reason. I mean they made me numb and I wanted to cry since yesterday ebcause I feel this emotion build up inside me because mom is sad and a..m m..a was crying yesterday. It affected me. I wanted to cry. But I am on a dry spell since the day I was back on my prescription. Which is around 2 weeks I guess. So anyways I forgot how bad things were before i started meds so just like that I skipped and ufff the anxiety the pain the stress the loneliness all came down all of a sudden. I took pills just half an hour ago even though its night. Anyways I was so down into my depression because of not taking my med that I was soo close to reactivate twitter and also I stalked him and all his friends for 2 hours I guess and got more deep into my feels. But now I feel so much better like I can actually feel the darkness being pulled away from me. This is such a danger disease. This depression. I am really scared how I will ever handle the rest of my life. And yeah not to forget. My body dysmorphia was increasing too. Maybe i should double my dose. These meds makes me so comfortable and I feel like myself. Away from the dark clouds. I mean those sad things are there in life but they are magnified a hundred times during depression and just immobilises you. I am so grateful for antidepressants but also scared about the magnitude of my illness because I am so dependent on these. :(

[diaryoftragicmess]

12 January 2019

I hate how I stop writing diary. I do this so many times. With real pages. And now with this too. But anyways I felt alone so I remembered this blog so maybe I will continue. So many things have happened over these months. Nothing related to my marriage but I got a new friend sorta person. S.....r. She is like no other friend of mine. I am just waiting till things get ruined between us and I guess it will be on her birthday which is next week. Idk what to do about it.

[diaryoftragicmess]

29 september 2018

So I have stopped dreaming. I am ready to accept anything mediocre. I am okay to love in this city forever. I am okay to everything at this point. I just want things to change, to move forward. Why is God being so unfair to me? I have been begging and begging him for months, now years but He seems to be ignoring my prayers. Why is life so cruel to me? I am dying everyday more and more. Dying from inside. Rotting from inside. Its not like I don't trust Allah. It's that I just want answers. Why is He doing this to me? Is it a punishment? Is it a test? How do I change my situation? I have been crying for months and months. I remember back in college my friends used to say that I had so much shit that I had to go through and they prayed for me. Back in 2nd year they sympathised with me. And now 4 years later everyone's living even better lives and I am still hoping things would change for me and they aren't changing. Why is this happening to me? Why is God being so unfair to me? What is He trying to teach me here? Because I don't seem to grasp any good thing coming out of my depression? How many more months/years of crying alone will I have to go through? Everyone has to go through certain setbacks in life I agree. But it could be for couple of months right? For me its years and years. The only thing I want is a person I can depend on. I want a husband. I want a new life. I have been begging for this for years now. Idk I am just sitting here in the resident's room crying the hell out trying not to make a sound out. What is this experience teaching me though? Whats the moral of this? I have cried 4 times today already and its just 1 PM .

I feel so unsafe. Insecure. Small. Alone. Crippled. Hurt. I have so much pain right now in me I cant breathe. The tears wont fucking stop. But the only thing keeping me breathe again is trust in Allah's plans. Idk whats His plan is. Idk why He is making me go through so much pain? Idk why He is breaking my heart again and again. Idk what He wants for me to do. But I just trust Him because He is ALLAH. He is the one. He is my Lord and I trust him to ease my pain soon enough because I can't take this. Please please please.

[diaryoftragicmess]

10 september 2018

I know I haven't posted in a while. Its because i wasnt connected to my own thoughts. I have taken up the cancelling of i.s wuite deeply. Not because I wanted him or his family but because I thought this is it. This is the blessing i was yearning for. And now its gone because it wasn't it. I needed time to figure out stuffs and things wrong with me.

No matter whatever I try, I know one thing for sure; the whole in my heart wont go anywhere. I need someone to fill up that place. It could be anyone. I would need an fp to fulfil me. It's acurse but ai have come terms with it. I will always want someone as a lover, as a bff, as an obsession; just anyone to fill me.

I also learned other stuffs like how my dreams were too high and how I need to bury them deep and focus on the now and focus on stuffs I can actually do rather than living in a dreamland. C....a, F....a aunty, etc were all these people who had too many dreams and I know what happened to them. Dream big but not something beyond your reach. Dream for things you can do. Don't dream for fate to bring you things. It causes depression. Anyways I figured I need to change my dreams. My dream of going out having someone to love me in nyc etc. It was all absurd and I cannot control it. So I crush them and bury them and started building new concepts bases on reality of the present, based on my capability. And I just know what I wanna do now. Instead of just hoping and wishing for things to be different.

I might not get what I wanted all along but I will settlw for something else and who said things are bad down here? People live here, people live happily. And i can too. I just assume that my happiness lies elsewhere in the world but I realise now that it lies in little unexpected things. Things which I never expected can make me happy. Those things. I am gonna stay on the ground and look for happiness here instead of hoping it to fall from the sky.

So I won't tell all the plans now but my mind has figured aomething out and that feeling good book has helped me get perspective of things to remove me from my depression and my negative habits. Anyways things are gonna get better from here I can feel it in my bones.

[diaryoftragicmess]

27 august 18

I am feeling a lot. I feel huilty for spending the last whole night talking to d....v on phone. He is single and i am single. I love him and he too have some feelings for me I guess. This is not right. I tried to brush off every little flirt he tried on me but I know I know it will definitely have an effect on me. I feel so secure and warm with him. I don't feel this good with anyone else. Not my mom, not my sisters, not any friend of mine but with him, it's like I feel complete and perfect. I do love him. Like a lot. And I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with him. Safe and secure in his loving arms. It just feels so right. But ugh that is never happening.

First of all he might just be using me as a rebound to get over his ex. Secondly, maybe he is just saying nice stuffs because he is bored at home. Thirdly, maybe he ain't faking it. Maybe he likes me for real and this all is so fucked up because I love him too. But there is something that stopped me from feeling things yesterday. The fact that I want to get married soon and this all is just a fantasy and a sin to talk to boys. Maybe that or maybe because I feel guilty and also my commitment issues and also i don't want to get disappointed when he drifts off and maybe because I don't want to disappoint him when I drift off. But there was something that was stop feeling me things deeply and intensely like I used to feel before. I still do like him a lot but I doubt if I love him like I used to before. That kindof love was borderline passionate and insane. Or maybe because of my august recovery I am incapable of feeling things with such intensity. Or maybe I just don't want it.

You know how much this good this recovery thing is going on for me. Now I pray more. I trust God more. I hope that good things are coming. I have patience and my anxiety is also settled down and I feel disgusted by any sort of sin. Maybe this recovery is making me distant to him. Or maybe because I like chasing people and when I get them, I don't want them anymore. Now that he is single, his heart's open and he has so much love to give.

In conclusion, I have been feeling all these stuffs altogether. And I don't want to get close to him anymore. I was already planning on cutting him off because he is a namahram but again, he is now single and sad and he likes me and I must take care of him. And now after that phone call or more like phone calls all night, I feel guilty of my sin because now I don't even have my mental illness to blame. I did yesterday all in consciousness and being aware of what i have been doing. That is why i feel more guilty. Maybe i should tell him. But he already made fun of me yesterday that i run off and me saying all this will only make it prove his point and nothing.

You know part of my recovery included not being dependent on people and also to be fully aware of all thw emotions I feel. But now I am using him as a distra tion. Tbh I don't feel sad at all since yesterday. I feel good and been all smily and I feel so loved and what not but isn't this just a temporary distraction? And it just blows off the my entire recovery process?

Idk I have so much to think of but honestly one thing I surely feel is guilt because I felt like committing a major sin because its almost like zina I guess. Spending the night talking to namehram. Isn't it a part of zinah? And then he is planning to meet up in december but how is that going to work for me? Just talking to him put me on so much guilt but imagine meeting him. And what could happen if we meet? I have feelings for him, a lot. And he has feelings for me. And we are planning to meet alone. Do you think its okay in anyway? Even though I want to meet him, hold him, hug him and what not but its all sin. Meeting him alone is a sin. And I am pretty sure we will not just meet and go. There could be anything that could be happening between us but he is still a decent guy but then we have all these suppressed feelings and I want things to happen too but also i don't. This is freaky.

ughhhhgd I just don't want him in my life because I like him too much that's it. That's it. I just want to get married soon that's all. To someone good, someone on deen, someone who guides me to the straight path. Someone who would make me forget d....v. That's it. I.s still hasn't called its been about 5 days now and I believe she found the other girl with doctor parents more attractive than me ofcourse. Or maybe God thinks that i am not a good person because I love someone else and thus he doesnt want me to be with him. He was such a decent, innocent and religious man. And me I am a liar, I am a fornicator, I do bad stuffs with an innocent facade. I am a hypocrite. I know this sucks but maybe because of my secret little affair sort of with d...v has made me incapable of being with that i.s son because he is too good for me. And good women are meant for good men and viceversa. Maybe thats the reason why Allah has stopped it from happening. For his sake I suppose. Not for mine.

But I promise to be a better human. To be a better muslim. I will forget d....v and move on with this new guy and I can be religious with him and everything. But maybe I wont be able to love the new guy as much because I have loved someone else before. Idk but still I have borderline and I have loved many people all my life. All these fps. I have loved them all intensely and crazily. But then i moved on from everyone and everyone moved on from me. I just want a whole new religious guy, I can move on from d...v and he will move on from me. That's it. I want a nrlew permanent husband. The father of my children. The love of my life. My future. I want him more than I want to be with d...v tbh. I feel like betraying d...v but thats not betraying if we already have mutual understanding about this all and he knows I will have a husband and i know he will have a different life. So theres no betraying anyone.

I am single and lonely and I have a guu bestfriend thats it. And when I get married I will move on live with the loml and he will move on be with his lohl. This is simple af. No ones betraying anyone. I love my future husband and will love him for the rest of my life because its right and valid. The end.

I already feel better for validating my emotions and putting all things in perspective. I knew my answers lie within me I just needed to find the answer and now I did. In conclusion, I love d...v but he is my bestfriend and nothings gonna happen between us. I love my future husband and want to spend the rest of my life and eternity with him and have babies with him and that's whats gonna happen. And I am not betraying anyone because my future husband has not yet arrived and when he arrives I am gonna leave d...v and he knows that its gonna happen one day. So everything's fine I just need to pray harder and ask for forgiveness because talking to a namehram and try avoiding him more without breaking his heart like an evil person because he is soft and mushy lol.

[diaryoftragicmess]

24 august 2018

I just wanted to speak to someone. Connect with someone but with no strings attached and then I thought why should i do something of that sort that involeves other human beings. I got myself to talk to and I am enough for me. Today I got my period finally and this is a good sign because that means my cycle is normal whivh I was scared but I am still not sure whether I am really ovulating or not. Thw good thing my pms is done. I hope I won't randomly cry anymore for a couple of days until my next pms atleast.

That i.s aunty has still not called and honestly though my expectations are low because they can totally find someone 100 times better than me and my family. It's not their fault. But if we are destined in anyway, then nothing can stop it from happening. But now I don't think she will call us back. It just doesn't feel right anymore. It feels like it's something too good to happen to someone like me. And I don't have expectations. I do actually like a normal person but not high enough. But this one going off means my jealousy for d...v's ex gf is somewhat resurfacing. All these days I wanted him to get back because I wont feel guilty if I get married but now I don't want that now that i am not getting married probably. Idk this jealousy was quiet for a couple days now and i liked it that way tbh.

In other news, my tbtentry posts are so disturbing. I feel sad because its been years and I am still stuck with my old stuffs and those old dreams and those desires and hopes. I wanted them so badly back in 2016 and now I am halfway through 2018 and I have made zero progress with my life. I am still unstable, still jealous, still craving a human companion, still same, still same. This makes me feel so terrible that I feel literally nauseous. I wanted to be great so badly that I couldn't stand being a mediocre that I turned out to be a loser.

I wish things would work out for me a little bit my way. I just wanted to get married for years now. Begging to God that it happened. Begged him so much but still things haven't changed and all these people succeeding, going out of country, marrying, having children, this is too much. Why hasn't things worked for me like they did for them? Did I not try enough? Did I not pray enough? Did I not suffer enough? Time's ticking and everyone's moving forward accordingly and i am stuck. 2 years back. I have no idea how to make things right.

I pray and pray and pray and hope and hope and hope. But I guess I just cannot settle for anything less. But I guess my demands are not too high. I just want a well settled and religious guy who wants to settle outside and also I want him to be a little ugly and him to love me so that i can love him. Thats what i want. Is it too much? Throw in my father and my sisters and shit gets complicated as fuck. But is that my fault? Why do I have to suffer?

I cant bear the thought of spending another winter alone and more over in this country, in this city, in this bed. I cannot. Please. I cannot. I cannot I cannot. What can i do? How do I change this? How do i?

I remember vividly how on that awful night of the 1st of august I cried and withered in extreme tormenting pain. I had planned that night that if things dont work out for me and I near my 24th birthday, I will hang myself from this fan in my bedroom. I want to end at 23. If I don't progress, I will end. I cant stand still and keep on waiting for my miracle and honestly, this is the only thing that has kept me going. The fact that i am gonna kill myself before I turn 24, is so soothing and it gives me hope to survive now.

But till then i survive. And till then I allow myself to hope for the better. Hope that my miracle is on his way. I want it so bad. So so so so so bad. More and more as each and every day passes by. I want to be out of this country before the winter has dawned upon. Or I end this meaningless existence.~

[diaryoftragicmess]

25dec2016 0933am #tbtentry

I dont think I have ever been thisss depressed. I literally feel like something is choking me at my neck. I cant breathe. I cant just. I am so sad. I woke up from adream yesternight thinking about it. In the dream, she gave me some compliments and I was so so happy that I woke up to realise that it was a dream and to be saddened again at the dead of the night to go back to sleep. I dont know whats wrong with my brain. This is a bit too much of obsession. It needs medical help. I cant do a thing for this now. I couldnt fall asleep last night because I was thinking about all that happened yesterday. Scene after scene and cried and I dont think this aint normal. I have a strong family history of mental illnesses. Maybe this ones mine now. I cant contemplate stuffs. I am so overly obsessed with her, its not even real. I am just obsessed with her. I dont think I even like her for the person she is. Its just the obsession. Like stalking her on every social media. Checking out when she opens her snaps. Checking out when she replies to snaps. Analysing each and every detail. This is tooo crazy. Its driving me insane.

Yesterday and day before yesterday proved that I am nothing but a mere friend to her. She goes sitting beside u....a when she has a seat beside me. She never asks for anything if I dont act like myself. She is always there for u....a and never for me. She is always with her and she is the happiest when she is with her. I am just a friend to her as much as w....a thats all. Our awkwardness had vanished thankfully but her true self is what I see now. Clearly. She doesnt love me at all. Before i was like I am 10 times ahead in this relationship than her but now I am like theres no baseline for this. She is not even a friend. An acquaintance and a fellow snapchatter who replies when she wants unlike me who sends like 15-20 snaps in a row. She sends maximum of 9 woh bhi when I had sent 20 nahi toh 1-2 hardly. I have screwed up my mind thinking she loves me atleast half much as I don but the sad reality is its not even 1/4th of what I love her.

She would compliment me once and my psycho/inlove brain would maximise it into thinking that its the best thing in the world and made it self happiest. Whereas she compliments everyone everytime if you closely observed. Some days she snaps more and be more personal and some days she doesnt. And on those few days she gets personal, my brain thinks that she loves me but she doesnt! Its sucks I know. I was so delusional all this time. Few sweet words and I fell. Fell hard for the wrong person. And its like a quicksand that I cant come out of now. Everytime I think I can, it pulls me back deeper and deeper. And I got no solution for my case.

Ek tarfa mohabbat ki takleef is the worst of all. And when the other person wants to be just friends it sucks the most.

I have been feeling all sorts of negative emotions lately. Every bad thing in my life. How lonely I am. I literally have no one to vent my feelings to except me. I feel like all I want is a constant in my life. A constant that loves me. Be there for me. Give me a listening ear. Talk to me daily. Advise me. Hold me when I am feeling crippled. Thats what I have always wanted from so long that I cant remember. I look for that in any person I meet. Every good person who gives me 2 mins of time or says 2 good words and I fall for them. Thinking they are the one who would be a constant. I dunoo why I have this big hole in my heart that I cant fix with my self. Whatever I put in that hole tryna wanna come out. I filled it with her this time. It felt so right for like 2 minutes but then she never wanted to be there at all. And I realised it later on. And now my hole is empty. My heart is empty. And I am so so sad. Atleast I wanted to get married to have a constant in my life. But no. I cant be married now. Ofcourse my father issues. I am sick of being alone and sick of putting temporary people in my weak hole in my heart. I need somone to hold me. I cant be a strong person. I cant always pretend being a strong person. Because i am not. I am a weak, sensitive,fragile, too empathis person. My pretense of being strong and emotionless doesnot always work. I want a happy friendship if not a husband. Someone to hear me out when I wanna. Somone who doesn't judge me and make fun of me because of who I am truly on the inside. Someone who is always there by my side. Someone who is equally obsessed with me like I am obsessed with her. Ugh crying out and ranting feels so much better.

I deleted snapchat yesterday night because she was driving me crazy because she was doing nothing. Hardly sent 2 forced snaps to my 10 snaps. I couldnt sleep so I had to delete snapchat and then I fell asleep. And now when I woke up in the morning, the Internet is gone for no effing reason. So that may be the reason. That may be a divine move to help me. I think this is the right path. Maybe Allah is helping me. Maybe deleting snapchat and not redownloading it what Allah wants so he removed the internet. Maybe its Him helping with my psychoses. This was literally the worst depressive episode I had in my entire life. Yesterday, I was hyperventilating, I was crying, I couldnt sleep, I woke up from weird dreams involving her. I couldnt eat, I was nauseating, I could barely function. This had been the worst. Its a little less today but still you know I am crying right now so its not too less. But deleting snapchat helped a little to breathe. But I have to redownload it again by evening so she doesnt know what I am going throigh. Maybe after the last pract on Wednesday, I will say goodbye for studies and delete snapchat again and for real but still you know my obsession would allow me to stay away from her for too long. Even if she treats me like shit. Unless I have a replacement and that too of that level, I dont think I would be able to move on from this toxic friendship. But for today, I have to download it back for the snapstreak and so she doesn't know if something is up with me. I wish getting medical help was easier. I seriouslt need medical help for my obsession. Because this aint normal, I know. But its not gonna be possible. I have to struggle on my own. 2 more days facing each other and I dont think I have any more pretence and strength left in me. But have to try. No options left here.

[diaryoftragicmess]

23 august 2018

I feel incomplete. I was happy a minute ago and I scrolled through my twitter and I am not happy anymore. That place is toxic as shit. It makes me feel like I am shit. Everyone's so pretty and famous and funny and people love each other and have something to do with their lives and then there is me. I just saw r....n and how hot she is and how rich she is and it made me sad all of a sudden because I can never be that. And then there people in relationships and stuff and then i stalk d....v and his replies and then m....n and her tweets. It all makes me so sad its unbearable. That shitty app is unbearable.

Actually I was not even happy to begin with. That i.s aunty said she is looking at other girl's profiles too and now I feel I dont have a chance. I will just be waiting for her phone call and I know she wont call back. Or maybe she will but mostly the world is filled great rich families and pretty girls. I don't even stand a chance and it is so heartbreaking because my hopes were so high and I am disappointed again. And I am so disappointed that I am numb now. I managed a happy numb as a coping mechanism but after that visit to twitter I am sad than ever. I must never go back on that website. Ever.

Me and d....v are talking more these days and I dont feel that crazy bitch when we dont talk for long. This is a safe zone with him and I like it so much. Its calming and I know for sure it wont last long so I am gonna cherish it till it lasts. I was thinking yesterday maybe I could have sent m....n some wishes for eid but I just couldnt. Our last conversation was too fucking much to handle. It hurt me all over again and I couldnt text her. We are really done I guess and it hurts when I think of it.

But anyways I had planned to be lonely. And just pray for what I want. I didn't even plan to talk to d...v but I still do. I wouldn't have if he it had hurt my mental peace in anyway. Talking to him hasn't done me anything yet so I am gonna continue till it lasts.

Now my only hope is i.s. Are we destined? Are we not? And I am back to numb again. Because I dont know the answer. The only thing I know is I can pray. And never lose hope. And I am so grateful for this numb state. Maybe it is because of my prayers because a month ago if I had the same problem, I would have died of anxiety. But now I am numb. I like it.

I just hope that God blesses me soon. I am in dire need of goodness. I need goodness. I need a miracle. I have been waiting for my miracle since months and probably years. I never wanted to be in the situation that i am in right now. This is actually terrible but its ok. Its alright. I have faith and that's it. Please I want this so bad. Please.

[diaryoftragicmess]

18/8/2018

I really want to talk to someone right now. I feel so alone. But I dont want to talk to anyone in general. Only someone I connect to and someone who is equally interested in me as I am in them. I feel so lonely today.

It's the pms I know but still I feel terrible and I cried too and the hole in my chest is back. Idk if its the fact that mom wont call i.s or because I just need someone right now. Someone to talk to. Someone to connect to. Someone I can trust. I feel heartbroken. It's also the fact that d....v told me his gf wants to get back. We have been texting alot since a couple of days and I have feelings for him and I shouldn't have but still I did bwcause it not only felt good to be loved back even if its temporarily but also because he was sad and lonely and I couldnt have just left him. He needed me. Or that's what I think. Now that he hasnt seen my text from 20 hrs ago and hasn't texted me anything at all, I just know, he is gone again. Like he used to be gone before. And I knew he would be gone everytime he starts texting me again but still I have a sliver of hope that maybe this time he wouldn't.

And now that my pms is at its own peak, all these small sad things have intensified a hundred times. And I feel lonely and sad and I can cry any minute and I am randomly crying too. I dont even feel like playing pubg or reading my book. I feel like all the progress I had made since the first of august is coming down in shambles. I hadn't cried in 2 weeks and was not sad for 2 whole weeks and that is literally the biggest personal achivement for me in a while.

And also I reactivated my twitter today. No, I am not using it. I just wanted to keep it open so that it wouldnt get permanently deleted. I saw m.....n's tweets. She seems content and same. I don't like anyone over there anymore. My addiction has gone. That app is making me repulsed by it for some reason now.

Tumblr is my safe haven for now. Listening to music is also suffocating now since my pms. My mental illness is resurfacing but I am in control as for now because I know this intense sadness and loneliness will be gone as soon as my period starts or atleast thats what I am hoping for. I hope it's the pms and not my depression making a comeback because of things happening.

I wish I was getting married though. This loneliness is really sad. I just want to go somewhere where I can be with someone. Somewhere where I feel belonged.

Tbh things are not even that bad. S....n is a really good person in a brotherly way and he makes all of us happy. N....n is a good friend too and her husband is nice too. And then there is a....a who I talk to and is also a nice person. All these people distract me from my sadness and its cool. I feel grateful. I will be devastated if this group disperses. I really really like being around everyone, just joking and having fun with no care in the world and also while being good to each others and others. I hope my pms passes soon before it gets any worse. I hope I get married soon to the right person.

[diaryoftragicmess]

16/8/18

It has begun. My pms. These 15 days i was in control of my emotions. Treated myself and my feelings with ultimate caution. It was all fragile but it felt nice. Now I feel stuffs. Weird stuff. I was annoyed in the morning at random people at the road. Irritated for no reason. I can feel it in my soul. Things are a little buzzed up in my head. That calm, the serenity of leaving behind twitter and the past has gone away. I feel anxiety building up. I feel the toxicity seeping in.

I dont even feel attracted to d....v anymore. But starting only today. I have been praying casually but still there's something about how I feel and things are starting to become foggy. I dont feel in control of my reactions to things. I don't like this.

In other news, i dont miss m....n at all. I just think of her on and off but dont miss her. This is so weird. I thought I loved her. Probably I did but later, that eid day when I cried like hell, thats when I stopped loving her. She hurt me so much that I fell outta love. Never knew it was so easy though. Never did I ever fall out of love with d....v. Instead whenever we had fought or took a break or something, my feelings for him grew only stronger. Why is there a difference? Is this because it was platonic and with him it was romantic? Or maybe he never hurt me as much. Idk.

But already writing stuffs here make me feel in control of my thoughts. I kindav already feel at peace. Tumblr effect probably? Lol.

[diaryoftragicmess]

23/12/16 #tbtentry

Todays been worst day in a while. You know what makes a day worst, to pretend its not. To pretend everything is fine. To pretend is what makes things worse. I have been soo sooo hurt today that I feel numb. Everything obviously had to do with one thing for sure. Every posting scene came back. Everything I have been avoiding since months came back. Right in front of me. Thrown on my face and hell I was ready for it. But I wasnt ready for what it was going to make me feel. I knew deep down this is what it is. She being with u...a all the time. Me looking at them from far and smiling at them as if not a single inch in my body doesnt hurt. Worst is when u....a nd i were alone waiting for our chance to viva. And then she came. Sat beside me at first as it was the only chair left but then took the chair and sat beside u....a. And yeah, I had to smile after that. I had to be normal. I had to be neutral. I had to pretend everything. Because if I didnt, I would be the psycho one. This is worst mental torture that I have been avoiding but its downright here happening to me. I dont think I can pretend for 3 more days. I have a threshold that is about to be reached. And its coming to it very very soon that I had expected. I need to cry to feel normal again but I cant cause I am too numb from today. Everything feels like crashing. All the snapchats. We are nothing but just friends. Like she and w....a are. Like she and s..a are. I am nowhere near u....a is to her. What am I even doing? I dunno how to get outta this at all. I cant delete snapchat coz if I did, then I will miss her. But if I dont, then she will penetrate more and more into me. She has no idea how deep I am into this. Sucksss. So bad. What makes a brain to fall in love? Like why did I? Whyyyy? Just a few more years and I will have my own soulmate who I could have fallen for. But no. My brain wanted to fall in love now. That too with someone as messy as her. Someone who dont fucking care about you. Someone who is 'just' friends. Someone who wont sit by your side waiting for like 5 minutes. Today sucked at so many levels. And depression has started coming in waves. I can feel them dementors and dark clouds lurking. Tears are on the brim. I cant no more. I didnt knew it would feel thiiiissss bad when I thought about it before. And I didnt knew pretending would be this difficult. I dunno what my brain saw when it fell in love. Stupid crazy brain. Always wanted to obsess over things. And now this is people. Real ones. And that made my life miserable. I hate my brain and all those chemicals and hormones involved in this. Because of you and your fucking imagination, now we stuck here feeling miserable and got no plan outta this. I wish falling outta love was as easy as falling in. Sucks man. Everything sucks.