diceearring

[diceearring]

a person whos so lost that being lost is the most familiar way of being for them so they keep getting lost and more lost and more stuck and more drowned and more afraid and more clueless and more helpless and more fragile and more stupid and more and more and more to see where it leads to, just as a way to exist, bc going towards the exits feels scary therefore it's bad

[diceearring]

i wish i wasnt still so pathetically in love w one of my best friends. i love my gf, but it's hard to live w this feeling of still having a big old crush and not being able to tell her abt it, because im a coward and im afraid of how she would feel. i wish she knew this about me, she knows basically everything else but not this. i hate keeping a secret from her about my feelings. i love my girlfriend so fucking much. i wish i wasnt jealous of my friend's girlfriend. i have a gf too and we love each other so much, so why be jealous abt her relationship? will i ever forgive myself for being stupid and not confessing my feelings when i still had the chance to? knowing that she was in love w me too still hurts. i was so stupid for being afraid of ruining our friendship or whatever. i had many chances but i was too much of a coward to do anything. knowing those chances were fully real and i blew them hurts. i didnt do anything and then she fell out of love with me, and then she got into relationships w other friends. but not with me, never with me, and i wish that didnt made me so butthurt. it's been years and my ego is still hurt. is it all just a stupid hurt ego thing? we are still friends and we do love and care abt each other, and i should be grateful for that. i mean, actually i am, very much so. i care about her a lot and i appreciate her friendship so much, i cant believe shes still my friend after all that mess of emotions between us. but i still have a crush on her and still dream abt some of the silly stuff i did when i was 19. i know she wouldnt want to keep being friends if she knew i still have some feelings for her. not in the same intensity that i had, but some are still here and theyre big. i still feel a good deal of romantic attraction towards her and idk if these feelings will ever go away. she wouldnt like knowing this, my gf wouldnt like knowing this, her gf probably wouldnt too. im still attracted to her and im still jealous of her gf and of everyone who ever had any sort of romantic or sexual relationship w her. and i dont know what to do w these feelings, i dont know how can i even call myself polly if i feel these sort of feelings. i just wish i didnt feel them, i wish i didnt feel them. i wish i could get over all of this, i wish i could stop regretting all of the things that didnt happen, all of the things i didnt do, and i wish i could get over her. i wish i could still be her friend and have her in my life but without all of the romantic shit and jealously and the regrets looming over me. it's been so many years, why are all of these feelings still here?