didyouswallowastarr

[didyouswallowastarr]

sweet dreams

the first time I fainted I was 5 or 6. my brother & I had been running in circles in circles in front of the tv at my parent’s house, severe dehydration. every time I’ve been to the hospital they’ve said severe dehydration, & whenever I’d get fluids my mom would say I was the happiest I’d been in awhile. I never knew back then why, I drank enough water I always thought to myself, yet it somehow wasn’t enough?

the next time I fainted that I can remember I was 11 or 12. one of the many nights my brother & our bestfriends would run around the neighborhood at night pretending to be ninjas I just collapsed. they carried me by my hands & feet to the apartment. we slept outside that night in sleeping bags under the pine tree to the side of our complex. I’d never seen all 3 of them so worried about me. we had been running all night, & the worry in their eyes scared me, I was delirious. so we decided we’d camp outside & laugh until we all fell asleep. we slept too long & none of us were supposed to be outside at all. everyone was awake, so we snuck to our apartment. the landlord assumed the sleeping bags were from the homeless, & threw them away. I was more heartbroken about that concept than all of us losing our sleeping bags, though none of us had much. the sleeping bag had actually been a gift from my girlscout troop because I didn’t have one of my own, it was an expensive sleeping bag. that didn’t matter, why would people throw away homeless people’s belongings? she was a kind woman, but she had to listen to her boss too. she just maintained the complex, she didn’t own it.

throughout my life I’ve nearly fainted many times. grasping onto things near. sitting down. I didn’t understand my body. whenever there was a heavy task to be done I’d tell everyone my stomach hurt or anything else but admit my body was weak. everyone used to joke about how something always hurt when things needed to be done before my diagnosis’.

the funniest time I ever fainted, though not actually funny, but we laugh now. the time I stood up too quickly at the house in St. Paul to open the window, fainted, smacked my head on the wall, fell onto & broke the litter box. it’s funny now, but terrifying then. I still laughed it off.

the scariest times I’ve ever fainted were three incidents since 2020. in 2020 I fainted, smacked my head on the wall in an episode, was carried to an ambulance because apparently I started screaming that the floor was lava, but I don’t remember that. just tiny bits & pieces, seeing a moving truck to the car, being placed in a wheelchair at the hospital as everyone stared in fear. I remember on the way to the next hospital there were two kind men, I don’t remember much of that drive, it was long & I fell asleep, I just remember the music was soft & when I told them it was pretty they were kind to me.

in late 2023, I stood up, fainted & smacked my chin on the side of the bathtub. my brother was playing video games. when I gained consciousness there was so much dripping, afraid but not wanting to worry him, I still called for my brother, & fainted again. I was in & out of consciousness, but I could see the fear in his eyes. I kept thinking “no I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m not dying” he later told me my eyes were wide open but nobody was home, I was just repeating “I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay” a non-epileptic seizure. it had happened before when I was barely 19 at a party with new friends I’d made at the hospital. they said I went blank in the eyes & fainted, when I came to, my friend was so concerned & all I could say was “water” he was very kind. still I laughed off what happened. but when I saw my brother look at me this way, I’d never seen anyone so afraid. I fainted once more in the hallway falling into a plastic storage container, he helped me to the couch. the bandaid helped but we didn’t know if we should go in, we did. I’m glad we did because I needed stitches, it was deep, & furthered along my TMD that started in 2021. I never wanted to scare anyone like that again, especially not my built in bestfriend for life.

the summer of 2024, I fainted walking down the steps at a guy I’d just met’s house, I threw my arms up as fast as I could before I lost consciousness but I smacked the floor so loud he joked he didn’t think I was even alive. being superstitious & with a concussion, I demanded he take the heirloom necklace he’d let me borrow not even an hour before. said it looked pretty on me even though I felt uneasy about wearing other people’s stones. I didn’t call my mom, I was afraid she’d worry too much. she had work & it was only days before my favorite wedding. not even the ‘tattoo cover up’ concealer could hide them in the unedited photos of one of my all time favorite days of my life.

medical & mental health go hand in hand, a loop. I’ve fainted many times in my life, luckily mostly right back in bed. I’ve been gaslit by the medical industry most of my life, making me believe my anxiety was causing my medical conditions, but it was just the anxiety making them worse. it’s nobody’s fault not much is known about my medical conditions, but I’ve had terrible experiences in hospitals of nurses & doctors telling me it was all in my head. even after official diagnosis’, most doctors don’t know much about them at all. all I know is tips & tricks I’ve learned in physical therapy & online to help slow down its progression.

I’ve had tremors for years, they’ve only recently gotten worse, since the aneurysm. so I’m careful with my spoons, the allotted energy my body decides I have when I wake up. my body has always been so sensitive, & weak. my heart like a hummingbird unless I’m asleep or sedated. I don’t have all the answers in the world, but I know some things about how to survive. whatever you believe in, I’ve taught myself how to get by at the price of overworking my brain. either way, these are all conditions that deal with the nerves throughout your body. that’s why I have reflexology maps of hands & feet, as they are the maps to your entire body including your brain. yoga, pressure points, & massage are the best way to release tension in your body, trauma stored up. dance & fresh oxygen too, sleep is a grey area you must calm before you go to fall asleep. sweet dreams is one of my favorite phrases, as I do hope people don’t experience horrors in their sleep. I know often I do. but today was exhausting yet beautiful no matter what, & so I wish myself sweet dreams as well as everyone else even though the world is chaos.

-Sataija Starr Aroz

[didyouswallowastarr]

well I leap frog backflipped backwards today metaphorically, trying to just skip to making amends, trying to help in the ways I know how. that was irrational of me to say the least. intentions were pure, but clearly I just keep failing with flying colors. every. time. I still had a good day, regardless of how hard it is to even function, but I chose to use the energy. & it’s not wasted, Starfire vs. Starfire in Injustice 2, 1-1, & my fingers are still getting the best of me. I much prefer to watch videogames, but it’s nice to play sometimes too. I wish I was in the condition, I wish the whole world wasn’t getting hotter. but right here right now is pretty nice. I wish it was easier to let you go but it seems impossible after what happened. people protect themselves, but that was unlike anything, & I wish I could always know that you’re safe, that’s just not the way the world is. why am I destroying myself further?

[didyouswallowastarr]

red string theory pt. 4

another route.

there is one more person I could reach out to for help. nervous to word vomit, but I did. I’d much rather help exposing this dark energy man as a threat to society than taking this on myself. I slept so well & there she was. divinely protected. so there is another route. I confided, so I can do this. I don’t want to get involved all over again in person, this is something I can try without anyone getting hurt. nor my ex if I call him back, & protect him too, though he may not need it or know he does. I’d rather that than anyone being physically harmed trying to get this sorted out. I can try. I don’t want to lose my mind, I just didn’t want anyone involved in the chaos. I believe I can expose him without repercussions, no matter how powerful. & I don’t want to get sucked back into this. I’m exhausted, & who can catch me if I fall? well this pretty sweet walking stick, no? either way— I’ll do whatever it takes. danger? miss me with that, but there is a solution I can stand. I’ll find a way no matter what, I don’t care about his treasures, the cults, any of it, light prevails, mystics of all faiths. truth prevails, & what that man did to me he will never do to another. no souls lost in any battles of beyond. call your light & energy back to you. I have faith, I know God exists, I know devil-psyche when I spot it. I won't be led astray. I won't be losing my mind today.

I didn't freak my therapist out, when you speak about what truly happened without the details of what I encountered, it's logical why I'm struck by fear. so confrontation doesn't need to occur, exposure is necessary to plants, water, & human beings. so try with everything you've got, God answers my prayers every time. my light burns so bright, & I've called it back to me. not a piece on the board, but a being of light. you can't touch this frequency.

red string theory, call your energy back to you. imagine your light so bright it's the softest of blue skies. I'm going on an adventure today, & I'm bringing everything I've got to protect. show's not at it's finale if I'm divinely protected with protection.

catch me if you can devil-psyche, but pulling darkness from the Earth will rot everything you own & love ten-fold. most love nothing but themself, so see for yourself how that goes.

[didyouswallowastarr]

red string theory pt. 3

the neutralizer, in this part, my ex.

unfortunately, it’s the route I’m forced to take here. have you ever seen Good Omens? or read the books? that was the first show I ever watched with my ex. very intelligent human being, very— human, everyone has faults. his biggest ones are thinking he’s always correct, abusive behaviors, & very morally dark things said. I don’t think he’s incapable of change, maybe I just don’t feel like being that change for the rest of my life. but say we’re Crowley & Aziraphale. & when we spend too much time together our energies get all meshed together. who’s Crowley? who’s Aziraphale? the novels & show aren’t meant to mock God. should I be capitalizing God? I don’t really capitalize much in these. also, my writing isn’t perfect, often grammatically incorrect, but it’s real if you see beyond the veil, if you know dark & light exists. it’s from the soul. word vomit soup from the soul, believe me or not. either way, the series was created to give you the choice to think for yourself, & choose your own beliefs. respecting other’s beliefs is very important, even if he can’t seem to understand that yet. he tries his best.

I called my parent, not my mother. she said tough luck, you should've known what you were. access denied. she messed around with dark energy, & I never have. neither has anyone else I've ever met besides my ex's roommate. nobody should have to pay the piper for dark energy they didn't create, that's between them & God. so I meditated, & sure. called the neutralizer. when you’re stuck on the board with threats from all angles, retrace your steps. you can meet the demands when there’s somebody who understands (& belittles) you. but either way— witnessed what happened, but doesn’t go about it traditionally, fine. doesn’t understand what happened in the aftermath as I didn’t, but knows we can try our best. argue about the radio & frequencies? fine. argue argue argue about every single little thing? he promises to agree to disagree about our beliefs & values, & to stop debating with me about the tiniest things. I just need to stop the car from spiraling.

words are made up. we give them meaning. yet somehow, vibrations have such an effect on matter itself. he wanted to teach me many things, & I wanted to teach him, our conversations are interesting is the word I’ll use there. karmic, we have more to do this summer. starting with fixing the mess his roommate created. I’ve blocked my ex at least 20 times now. he still answered the phone. Crowley, huh? maybe we’re a bit of both. intense trauma bond, but we’ll make a pretty good team to get back what was stolen. souls have no price tag, & nobody should vanish for a psychopath’s deed. this is all between God, fallen angels, light energy workers, & dark energy workers.

to the only, you neutralize me, but you’re not the neutralizer in this situation, I won’t let you be. I promised you a dance, but it's not safe to grab my hand when I have to tend to a wound I never created, & save lives who saved mine. I've been called an angel, a superhero, a burden, a demon, every name under the sun. I'm just a human being playing a dangerous game I didn't start. but my very first dream I wanted to achieve was to be remembered. I remember people in the best ways, & they remember me in the worst. red string theory, you are the darkest blue, sometimes yellow, sometimes burnt orange. that's what I feel when I hug you, aura. & it's beautiful. oh how I'd love to hug & dance with you, but you are divinely protected. & my spirit has been touched by dark energy. I call my light back to me, & I've already spoken too much. I keep pulling it from my mind, body, & soul, but someone is feeding the wolves.

I don't want to break hearts, there will be no violence. out for blood, so the neutralizer & I will take it from here, if his roommate meets wolves, that's on him. but there will be no blood on the hands of any I love for dark energy pulled from the depths. what I stumbled upon was a horror scene, & while I'm healing I must begin to put an end to the torment for speaking too loudly, for loving too loudly, for dreaming too loudly. for crashing straight into the darkest thing I've ever seen. I intend to keep my promises, but be free of me. my burdens are not yours to carry. you're a catch, you'll love again, & maybe I will too. all I know is again I have to push myself far away from you. with cults involved, I have to focus on my light-- & make sure the angels know I'm on my way to save souls. unfortunately not crazy, but believe what you must. all in all, it's between my prayers & me. my ex may be an odd one, but I have faith we can handle this.

someone should have told me to stop word vomiting on the internet before I even started, insanity isn't a competition so whatever helps you sleep at night, delusion or not delusion. my mind is clear & ready to confess. but I must run with the wolves to build a better future. heal a wound I didn't create, so nobody gets hurt for other people's mistakes. I'll get baptized, go to church, I'll start from the top with confessions. but I promise I've done more good deeds than bad, & I'll be forgiven. if my ex wants to come too, that's cool. doubt it, but that's his traumas, & even though he's no saint, he's never dealt with dark energy either. I'm still gonna bet on God that we can do this with light. weak bodied, strong-willed, prayers every night, & nobody will fall from the light tonight. divinely protected, frequency so high I can't even hear the lower vibrations, they can't reach those unable to hear. those that know that things can only hurt you if you fear them, if you let them. it won't take all summer, I've beat the odds before. my other parent thought she's the most stubborn, wrong. told me the strong will survive, I'm the eldest daughter, I'm not letting anyone delete on my watch. I think I've earned wings & bull horns. the world may never know, but at least I'll be living a life I can truly be proud of.

& I know where I'll be spending my yellow, not any place I've ever dreamt, but with everyone I've ever loved. I would know, I've been brought back from there. calm & peaceful sounds like heaven on earth, I wish I could live in that for all time, but no one can. I'm awake, & I need to take care of a few things. not to prove anything, but to save lives, & rebuild. I hope you forgive me, for I have sinned, yet I'm a good sign, & I'll still pray on the odds every night & day.

I’m coming back, no matter what I’m coming back. you’ll see me again if you’d like, I know my ex will somehow keep me alive. I’ll figure it out.

[didyouswallowastarr]

red string theory pt. 2

I was way in over my head, I was in the depths. I almost drowned when I was young, my uncle saved me, but I remember accepting my fate. I'm looking for guidance, but can find nothing but the silence, either keep talking or shut my mouth. well, I already spoke. I was often put in hot cars when I was young, I fell asleep reaching for the window, crying, the window open only a crack. but I forgive my other parent for that. brain damage. my first memory is a lack of oxygen. you're not supposed to have memories that young.

time jump. my light burns so bright white, it's aqua I've been told by those who see me at my happiest. like water, & bubbles. it's this wonder I run around with so freely, it's what I've always carried with me, but has been seen by very few. I wonder if the one I love ever saw that, felt that, or even knew. I want him to be happy, with or without me, no matter what. all I know is I must move on if I'm being thrown to the depths with the sharks alone, there is dark energy that sneaks around everywhere. & I cannot protect everyone if they cannot believe, & if I beg those I love, it'll push them away. or push me too far into seeing. Prince Siddhartha's story? nobody?

maybe that's what I must do, if it's an attack on solely me, then take me, soul-eaters. there is only material value in the treasure I stumbled upon, & if the shadows looking for that want that, I can show you the roommate's face. I can give you his number, I can give you his name. I don't wish ill will even though he threatened to maim me, wouldn't leave without me, cast a shadow so dark it infiltrated everything, fried my brain LITERALLY. an aneurysm. my ex & his mom heard everything that night, the night of the aneurysm, there was footage too, but my ex refused. wouldn't allow me to turn in his 'bestfriend', & that's complex in itself. his 'bestfriend' doesn't care about him either. two pirates, of different types. a thief, & an ex who only has forgotten treasures, of no use to anyone. my ex & his mom only viewing me as a pet, or a piece. though I know my ex did want every future with me, he just wanted me to stop speaking entirely & forget, wanted to talk me off of seeing, & believing. wanting to make me smile, even knowing my heart wasn't crying for him. he'd pry the information out anyway. drive me past the neighborhood to taunt me, or maybe he wasn't, maybe he was just lost, how do I know? he's not a saint, but his trauma makes him fear belief. all but Siddhartha, that we'd read together, though I've long known the stories, it's nicer to listen these days. somehow waking me up too quickly anyway, & maybe that's what I need right now, I don't want to get addicted to seeing, it'll decay me. I don't agree with his beliefs, I don't want conflict, but I'll dance with the pirate to find the other. if I must be with someone I love but might destroy my ability, I'll do my best to keep it. that's not my wish, but who can even see? (you can love someone without being in love, I love many, but no he is not the only I speak of)

I don't wish ill will on anyone, so if I cannot find the roommate, instead just take me, & leave everyone else out of it. I was the stubborn dangerous angel who wanted to protect everyone. I tied us all together by accident, I was trying to protect. I was born learning of shadows, & taught to work with light. if you want the actual riches, the pirate, war-locker, whatever you'd like to call him is hiding, living off the money he's stolen from others, shunned by his own family. begged for his life that night, the night my ex & his mother saved mine. you get NOTHING being shady in the depths. I walk with light but I'll dip my hands if you aim for those I love, & I have some pretty gnarly angels looking out for all of us. again, at the risk of sounding insane, it's dangerous being an angel. do you know what swarms to that high of frequency? vile-psyche. you can bat them away, pay them no mind, when they come to harm, I'm trying my best to protect. it's a miracle I'm alive at all, so let's hush. lucky number 7, since I was a baby. I'm looking for god, & finding a battle beyond my control. those without god are hunting, & I do what I have to to protect & survive.

who's side am I on? why does anyone even have to ask that? my only love doesn't even speak to me but in my dreams, & I can't even understand what he's saying half the time. so if you'd like me to be Wendy for a bit, I'll try, but Captain Hook will be a hard guy to find. wild cards can dance, & I'm scared, but if that's what's expected, I'll take the double dare. I'll dance in circles with a steady hand for answers those demand. red string theory, do you even know who I am? do you even know their plans? what frequency are you even on? I'm growing weaker to be strong. trying to breathe, & even that's wrong. my lungs damaged since childhood. but I will always do what I must, because before you, I lost so much family. & I won't lose any more in this paparazzi war.

still, medicated, meditating, & sedated beyond belief. but this has me spinning out of control as people demand answers from me. I'll walk the plank, I'm not a saint, I wasn't the one trying to play god, that man overran my entire hard drive. I can find him if I must. just remember soul-eaters, you'll walk the plank faster than you believe. bounds are for protection. they're light protections. but in this case, it's in the name of peace until I find what you want, jeez. I'll give up romance forever, that's fine, but please god listen this time. you always listen, give me some more time, that's all I ask.

I'm five tribes, & a 'mutt'. a mutter, a stutter. a dancing glitching stitch in the matrix. how wild, you think I haven't grieved for every man, woman, & child? every soul you all have lost? big names too, sent me glitching. every grief has sent me glitching into the unknown, & all I've ever wanted is to come home. I'm a wild card, wild child, wild being, did you think I thought I was the only one? in all cultures, this is destruction of the psyche, karma is real, & some don't mind losing theirs. I'm not capable of what you want like this, but I'm trying while I'm dying to do so. that's fine, print another label, whatever it takes, but I do what's right, I protect in the fight, I'm just trying to keep my bright light. don't chip at my name, my face, my place, my tree, my home, my state, my plate. I have many favorite animated movies besides Studio Ghibli. Spirit, Encanto, Treasure Planet, let's not get hasty. I've never eaten a soul, tasty rhymes here but that's nasty. soul-eaters come beckoning to the light. I'm gentle, it's taken me so long to become gentle. don't let the ones ready to throw me overboard do so & drown us all. I'm not ready, but I'll put my foot in it.

y'all I wish I was paranoid, this is too much. I hope I don't frighten my therapist because I was forced to see too much. I'm so heavily sedated until I can get in, this is making me lose touch, I don't want conflict, seriously. I'm a spoken word artist, not a lyricist, without rest from the madness my voice is just a croak. I can sing, I can write, but it's so hot everywhere it's hard to think & breathe. I need guidance, prayer, rest, leave me be. I can barely function when my mind is running too free.

I need to breathe, ground, & regulate after this. did you think this was something easy to tell? attacked by all angles, protecting from all angles? luckiest & unluckiest, come on. I woke up to a non-epileptic seizure, & I've had a few syncopal seizures these past few years. strings of my heart, this is too hard to talk about in a sensical way. the only people I could get to testify will not without conflict, even then, they won't. my ex would think on it I'm sure, but also no. maybe if I marry him, dear lord. I could tell the world about the roommate, but then how does anyone catch him? I think there's only one trap left, & I'll stumble happily to keep the peace. I'm just a human being. he wouldn't come solely for me, but for my ex & I both. madness, no?

p.s. that was too quick, I’ll fall for a trap, okay, okay. I’ll give him a call ya’ll, leave me be. technically I did say come for me, so fair enough. mercy, mercy, call the neutralizer.

[didyouswallowastarr]

red string theory- pt. 1

I shouldn't be laughing as I begin to write this because it's complex. it's not something to laugh about, what happened. but hey, I'll word vomit on the internet again even if everyone told me not to. I'll own being strange, I think it's already apparent. when I was young I was taught about energy, but as I grew up I was like "hey you know, I think maybe people can't walk through walls & my parent just ran around the wall very fast." because you know, that's what happened. but I heard other stories too, I didn't think they were real. I didn't think dark energy existed when I was young, but I've encountered many. you can tell by the eyes when someone is out of their mind, it's the darkest place of the psyche. trauma responses are what has kept me alive for most of my life, but it also draws people to me when I fawn response. fawn responding is what buys you the most time.

we'll circle back around so my heart can calm down, back to the red string. I used to sit on bumble & ask, "so, what's your deepest darkest secret or your favorite color?" or "how do you think you pronounce my name?" mostly just because it made me laugh, mostly because it made me forget how sad I can get, or honestly if I was just bored. well, I was never one for pick up lines, I'm demi, so ew gross. some people told me their deepest darkest secrets & I think most lied. one, did tell me they helped burn down my elementary school park but that was what? 15 years ago? I think I had asked the one I love that same question, & he told me his favorite color was red. boring, right? well, I wasn't initially interested until he asked me a question. & it wasn't like any of the other questions I'd ever been asked. if I didn't take things so literally, I'm pretty sure anyone else would have assumed his question was that way. "do you get lonely at night?" & I said "do you wanna talk on the phone?" because YEAH. YEAH I DO. talking on the phone & realizing we were neighbors was the funniest part. "I live by the double-decker goodwill" "me too" "wait" & then he said he lived by the store I could see from my window. told me he waved to my cats everyday. I have to meet him, right? there's just no way, & if he's scary then hey, I was miserable anyway. he wasn't scary at all. just about the sweetest, goofiest, coolest person I'd met.

time jump, I kept messing it up. him too, but it was about the most trivial things. I'm so stubborn, & he's well-- him. & so I'd be like okay, well I'll just find SOMEBODY ELSE. mostly because he originally said he was ready for a relationship & then admitted he wasn't. neither was I, clearly. so childish, I just wanted to forget about him. but nobody was him, & I won't smear anyone because I'm not perfect either. when somebody says something that hurts my feelings, I'd typically just spit the energy back. these days I try to pay it no mind. depends on the energy. well, I met my ex. long story short, we went on a few dates, I thought he was really cool. until he was actually going to abandon me in the city with my phone dying. when I got back in the car, he kept yelling at me on the highway when I only agreed to get back in if he stopped. I only agreed because I didn't want to burden my family with coming to pick me up worried that something would happen to me with my phone dying. so instead I kept my cool until I saw the exit, & then I snapped back. "get off right here, right now." I had kept my cool until then, I was scared & if I argued back, we were in the car on the highway. so I showed up to my old neighborhood, walking down my street intoxicated & in tears. I called him 3 times & he actually came out before I even got there, got into his truck & I sobbed the entire way to my apartment. so when I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt & kept seeing him, my bestfriend told me he wasn't going to save me again. my dramatic self "well I don't need you to so." & things were fine for a bit, my ex & I had a lot in common, mostly that we both really liked garage sales & reading. we also were both deeply traumatized people, & every time a conflict would arise I'd get scared. I'd just remember that date, & so I broke up with him.

time jump. it didn't really matter who I saw, even kissing other people just felt wrong. not when I couldn't forget the man who sang to me, was vulnerable with me, was in all reality, the person I never thought I'd find in my lifetime. but my health was falling apart, my life was falling apart, & I didn't want people to know. because to accept what was happening was making it worse. ignoring it was making it worse. everything was making it worse. I don't excuse my behavior with this, but I was so frustrated that I wasn't getting better, I was cruel. in life, I've been cruel & I've been seen as people's superheroes. either going above & beyond, or doing their dirty work for them. it's really just how you look at the situation. I fainted & fell down the stairs a few days before one of the most important days of my life, & got a concussion. more trauma, you can't give consent when you're asleep. so I called my ex, "do you wanna just go scream in the night with me or something?" he was more than happy, more than happy to throw stones in the lake, trying to get rid of the bad energy. he just wanted to see me smile. he just wanted me to stop crying.

time jump. the one I love & I never stopped being bestfriends. even when I was actually awful, even when I blocked him, & I don't usually block people. I'd just get so mad when I'd hear something, why wasn't I enough? was he lying? who should I listen to? what was going on? maybe I just needed to stop getting so rilled up all the time just because I wanted my future to be with him. that's besides the point, skip to a February. I had a crush on a girl, but I was afraid. I've never been with a girl in that way, not by choice that is. & I re-traumatized myself digging into that situation. overall, I was still medicated, but still losing it. I called my ex. "sooooo, do you think I only like women?" that was an interesting conversation because no, clearly not. but I was trying to grab for any sort of normalcy without freaking anyone out. I've always loved interesting conversations with intelligent people, but usually those are the people who take advantage or belittle me. while I'm intelligent in certain things, that doesn't mean I know everything. "to know is nothing, to imagine is everything." so even though I should've just spoken to anyone else in my life, I went with the man with the books, with the knowledge. even if conflict was always around the corner. in all reality, he reminded me of my parent, & what it would have been like to meet her when she was young. my parent tells me now to stay faaaar away from people like that. but all I saw was a traumatized human being, & I empathized.

then I met his roommate officially. we'd never spoken before, he'd just stare at me any time I'd been over. I assumed it was because he hated me in all reality, not because how I dressed, or my energy, I brushed it off. that was his bestfriend, & my ex was in pain. I wasn't the cause of his deep wounds, but the back & forth certainly wasn't helping. I needed sleep, I needed my medication, I needed to get better. but what I say to you now, happened. I have no reason to lie, it was the scariest experience of my life. & though I was exhausted, I had a grasp on reality. photographic memory, & the worst thing I've ever encountered. the darkest energy I've ever seen. the night before his roommate had decided to talk with me for the first time, all of us. my ex had told him how much I love stones, & his roommate brought out more gems, & artifacts I'd ever seen in my life. my ex insisting he was autistic, & it seemed that way. it was interesting, I'd never seen anything like it. a graduate from the university of gemology, wherever that is I know it holds weight. he taught me how to tell the fake ones from the real, he showed me a necklace made of ostrich eggs. I've loved ostriches since I was young, I was giddy. what was all this? my ex told me to pick out a promise ring, so I did, along with odd little trinkets. I paid for them myself, my ex ensuring he'd pay me back. my ex told me he'd never seen his roommate open up like that with anyone besides him before. so I felt on top of the world, wow, I was lying in bed with a man with a zebra vest in his closet, newspaper sweatpants, so hey, that's fate, right? let's share my biggest fears in the world. let's be vulnerable, let's fall in love, & fall asleep. we cried, we spoke about our dreams & laughed together until we fell asleep. fate, right? maybe, but in the worst way. we rushed into a relationship right then & there.

the next morning he left for work, I handed him my jar of peanuts, he doesn't have much & I need at least four more hours of sleep before I can function properly. I got three, & woke to pee. standing in the hall holding my ex's pitbull was his roommate, staring at me. okay? wtf. I'm uneasy, & confused. I can continue to the bathroom, but why is he holding the dog? I'm weak, I need to pee, I'm sleepy & I'm scared of the untrained puppy, one & a half years old, but still puppy. his roommate is smiling at me, "_____s been starving the dogs for two weeks. I bought them food with the money you sent." I laugh nervously, "starving them? I don't think he'd do that." in my head, oh no, is he okay? financially? "no he has been, so thank you, really." fawn response. why is he looking at you this way? why is he smiling? "yeah, no problem." I make my way to the couch & sit down. exhausted, but ready to survive in any way I know how. the peanuts are strewn all over the floor, was my ex here? what's going on? are the dogs okay? they both lay on the couch next to his roommate, they look sad, but I'm only glancing. keep your eyes on him for as long as you can, what's going on? "was _____ here?" "no." "oh, well I gave him these before he left, he hasn't been on break?" "no, _____s never around, I take care of the dogs all day." don't show fear. obviously he was here, & that's quite the comment to make. he watched my eyes. don't break eye contact. oh wow, no. prey, he sees me as prey. fawn. fawn. I'm trying to breathe, you've done this before. act, you're good at this. wide eyed doesn't mean fear, it could be shock. slow your heart. "he has really weird teeth don't you think?" "no, they're cute, they're different." "I have a chip in mine." "oh let me see." I lean forward, bump the table a little to see the small chips in his front teeth. I look down ever so slightly at the noise the table made, rings, earrings, jewelry, too much I didn't pay attention to while focused on the peanuts & his dogs. "those aren't bad, I think they look nice." "do you ever worry your teeth are going to fall out?" my stomach drops to the floor, my eyes widen, freeze. his eyes are huge, windows to a soul I've never encountered. staring at the devil of the psyche, a psychopath. I laugh but it's not working, this is a trap. "do you know when he'll be on break?" "no." his face is blank, stoic, he's already won. I look to the sliding back door & see the wood firmly locking the door in place. the front door opens, my ex walks inside, I'm gonna pi$$ my pants. divine intervention, whatever you'd like to call it, but I thanked god more than I have ever, & in my eyes, my ex just saved my life. god, most likely. but not for the last time.

time jump so I can regulate before bed. aneurysms, aren't a joke, dark energy exists, & I must raise my vibration before I fall asleep or I'll have night terrors. why weren't the cops involved? this is part one, & I'll get to it. this is a horror story, my life has been horrors beyond my years, so let me time jump one last time before bed. I always teased you about your dreams because I was too afraid to admit it's what I'd always wanted, a simple, 'boring' life, with someone not simple, not boring, but complex, funny, sweet, interesting, & real. somebody who could neutralize the terror I feel deep in my core. you're an angel to me, even if you're never ready for a relationship. you'd randomly text me when I was having the worst days of my life, you'd make me laugh so hard I forgot pain ever existed. & dreaming of a swing on a porch while you sang to me was my favorite escape. what a beautiful song, but I'd been a metaphorical soldier my whole life to survive. I squandered every chance I got, & I was always a poet. an artist of all crafts, my first poem about the color of someones eyes, the rain, & a rainbow, not my greatest work if I'd ever want to cringe at it someday. the color of your eyes never having anything to do with anything, & everything to do with how beautiful your soul is to see someone falling to pieces as beautiful. sheets over a tv to stay up past your bedtime, a canopy bed & a book light past mine. I couldn't forget you if I tried, & I've tried, & tried. but you're everywhere, & of course I cry every time I think of never speaking to you again. red string theory, maybe you met my parent when I was young, maybe we passed eachother on my way to DW when I was young though we couldn't afford it. red string theory, you can pull every string of my heart & you always have. I've broken hearts, I've never been a saint. I want to let you go be happy, I pray every night, & call my light back to me. but telling this story is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, & I'd fall apart if anything ever happened to you or those I love. right now, as I re-tell this, my body attacks me. I'm terrified, AND nervous. I trust god, I trust you, nowhere is safe but the dreams I have of you, but sometimes I wake up so terrified I know I have to check up on you. I'm lifting my vibrations sedated until I fall asleep, & I pray the lord knows it wasn't my fault I got in way too deep. either way, the lost angels I seek that are gone gone, are more powerful than any devil-psyche. you wanted truth, I have nothing to lose if we're all divinely protected.

[didyouswallowastarr]

wild card

I've always been drawn to the people who make me laugh most in the world. through tough times, they still make you laugh so much your stomach hurts. have you ever read about the man who locked himself in a hotel room & cured his cancer by laughing? people write it off as some strange phenomena. it's the brain, when you believe you're a goner, when you get a diagnosis, if you convince yourself you're done & you quit, often times you do. or the coffee bean phenomena that clears your body of toxins. this post is quite the wild card, but stay with me.

everyone who disproves my belief with science can't explain those except with the word placebo. so what is a placebo then? it's a belief. how does a belief change everything? it's powerful. or if you look at the laser beam experiment. beams of light react differently when being perceived. or words effects on water, the list goes on & on. I've been chronically ill my entire life. Ehlers Danlos, a connective tissue disorder. POTS, also known as the fainting condition that rapidly increases your heart rate. TMD the tension built in your face, brain, jaw, & body. as my physical therapist describes them, they're all in the same tree. autoimmune disorder diagnosis on the way as well. what a hand of cards, right? well-- I've beaten so many odds. my entire life. maybe because laughter & nature are the best medicine besides medicine.

so I watch things that make me laugh, bloopers of my favorite shows, anything. but my whole life, I've always had the biggest crushes on the people who make me laugh the most. if I go for 'nice', they're usually not nice. if I go for 'intelligent' they usually are very not nice. when I've gone for the funniest, also usually not very nice. besides one, though not perfect by any means, nobody except my family made me laugh that way. so delusion or not delusion, belief or not belief. I believe in him, I believe in the ones I love, I believe in myself. whatever I must do, I will. if laughing at literal nonsense brain rot is what will get me through this, I will. life is meant to be enjoyed, & cherished. so I pray every night, & I never prayed much. I make a list in my head of those I love most, & thank god we're all still alive for now. my concept of god is a mix of many religions. I'd still break knee caps metaphorically for those I love, you hear that watch list? no men I love will be gone in a war they didn't start. I know I'm on a watch list, but I won't cause harm, that's not the intent. no breaking knee caps, or violence whatsoever.

I know I'm often feared, but I'm not even scary unless my life is threatened. that's just survival instinct kicking in. I'm not sure why people think I must fight an impossible battle. it's always this messed up version that comes sputtering out when I'm trying my best. why couldn't I bring my walking stick into the store? I decked it out & everything. why is this town so strange yet beautiful? why am I confined to my room almost entirely? well the cold slows down my health conditions, sleep slows down my heart. my range is 40 bpm to well over 200 bpm. so until I get in for an EMG, & they sort out how to slow my heart, I'm stuck unless I'm with family or friends. & I'm so far from them all. not after sunday though, sunday I'll be with my family, & the following days after.

did you know trauma lingers in certain parts of your body? did you know trauma can trigger the dormant genes in your DNA? do you know the best way of release in all cultures? dance. but not choreographed, dancing the way that makes your soul most happy, but I must be careful. mostly I dance in bed, I do yoga in bed, I massage my hands & feet in bed, I'm only confined by those who want to sit & argue with me constantly. tension headaches? 500 mg acetaminophen & 25 mg of caffeine. or the pressure points & massage. your brain won't function properly? vitamin E or consuming as much fat & protein as you can. your bones are failing you? calcium supplements, consuming milk doesn't have the same effect. rapid fire, there you go. the list goes on & on, there are solutions within grasp. even on a budget. science is disproven & discovered with every passing minute. my closest scathe by the reaper, I barely made it out. I was 19. what I saw made me no longer fear the reaper, but now I'd really love to survive. not everyone has to change the world in the ways you think they must, sometimes it starts with changing your personal orbit. I'll do anything to protect those I love, but pushing me beyond my limitations is a push to the reaper & I'll ignore the push entirely. missed me, return energy like a boomerang.

funny people, those are my kind of people. where my laughter flows freely, is where my heart will always be. at the risk of sounding like complete insanity, my intent is to help. be yourself without the fear of judgement, laugh at what you want to laugh at, laughter is better than crying. "hope is stronger than fear." my mind used to be a prison adorned with flowers, now it is a river of possibilities. I think my next stories will be of the the very few times I ever prayed throughout my life. my prayers were answered, even in a situation everyone was certain they wouldn't be. I was certain they had to be. I'm a Taurus Gemini cusp, come on. Earth & Air? it's a bit unfair, the cards I was dealt in life. they happen to be the luckiest & the unluckiest. I'll take my odds. I'd bet on me. in my recent years I've become wise. which is probably why his roommate went looking for my demise. he'd met a match worthy, & lost. I awoke something, but let me recover, let me breathe. if my only love wants me to listen, I will. I did promise a dance, & that's a promise intended to keep. but if forced to dance with others, I'm not looking for a suit. queen of hearts, huh? no, I'm the wild card. you come for those I love, & I beat any suit. you want to collect me for a deck, cute.

-do I need to keep signing these?

is it madness? or clarity? the world may never know dun dun dun lol, still heavily medicated y'all.

[didyouswallowastarr]

solstice

the beginning of summer, & the race back to one's self. what shall I craft to support those I love? I have some pretty resourceful ideas, my goals become more practical as I sit with them. what would I like to achieve? safety & stability for those I love. longest day of the year to talk about many things, mostly to my mother. tell her how much everyone would have loved him, & I don't cry this time. tell her how much everything has hurt me in this world, & I don't cry. tell her how much I miss when things were simpler, & in all those ways we just understand one another. I told my mom & her fiancee they're both olive branches today & to see them bicker about that even was quite funny because they are. her fiancee waves at everyone in the neighborhood trying to keep the peace, he was a guard once. my mom is the olive branch of the family I insist. I encouraged her to be. I'm the string to all the cups in a game of telephone, or perhaps the roots so far below to make sure nobody is forgotten.

I used to be a giving tree, & I fell in love with a giving tree, how silly. I was giving so much to everyone that I took too much from him, too quickly. I had chipped at the bark before, but branches fell in the end too. he never knew my bark had all been chipped away at, engraved, burnt, & yet it was beautiful while we dreamed. his branches grew back, & I hope he's become an oak. an oak who radiates the light I've always seen. because even when I'm deep in the soil, the roots of my tree, fireflies come to visit me.

I refuse to go before my time, I'm too stubborn. I don't know what kind of tree I am metaphorically anymore. I just know I'm growing into something. steady & loyal like an oak, but leaves like water, can you picture that? maybe a type of willow I've never seen, maybe one that doesn't exist, a hybrid tree. trees feel lonely, but they're never alone, their roots run so deep, connecting to all the others without even knowing it. & I pray he knows how sacred trees are, that I know soulmates aren't always who you're meant to be with. they teach you beautiful lessons, & the love is never lost. the difference between love & limerence. letting go, because no matter what you want what's best for them. knowing that if they ever come back, you'll both be better souls again. I did meet him when I had become me, & I lost myself again in those years. waited all those years to meet someone who could truly understand, & love the way we did at first, it was hard to truly let go of my only. it's still hard to let go when he's in my dreams. but time is magic too, isn't it? & if anything is keeping us apart it's definitely me not allowing time to heal wounds.

I hope someday we meet again, but until then, you were the only tree who should've met my family of trees. I brought home a quite a few awful taking trees (thieves). you're more beautiful than you know, more talented, & strong than you'll ever admit to yourself. I should've learned to love first, not learn the hard way. your initials forever earned on my heart, in the best way, a heart I always should've shown.

summer solstice, please let everyone grow, however they'd like. teach me how to see what's in front of me before they go. teach me to do better, let me be teachable. so the next time I meet someone who loves me for my soul, I will never again be so cold. time heals all wounds, & if he's the one I've been searching for, he won't fight for us to be. neither will I, we will just be.

but just know beautiful soul, you are always welcome wherever I may be, or wherever I end up. you changed my soul.

-Sataija Starr Aroz

[didyouswallowastarr]

all angles

from all angles, the weakest-bodied still protects. my mind somehow free, even in this state. the pressure points to release tension, the herbs, the supplements, I can help. it's just that my voice is a whisper, & if I speak too loudly everyone can hear. but I do know how to ease pain, I do know remedies. I've been training all this time, & I unlocked more knowledge. I'd sound strange if I rapid-fired everything I know to everyone I care about all at once. I know it was alarming to me until I came around & found out for myself. belief is the most powerful thing in the world, so the negativity will just boomerang smack you back in the face. so stepping into my power, my knowledge, I'll step with light now. dwelling gets me nowhere, doesn't it? hope is abundance. prayer is abundance. wishes are abundance. if you'd like a star to wish on, I promise I'm not the shadow of who I used to be.

-Sataija Starr Aroz

I'll stop speaking of my wounds here, I'll leave it all behind, just to let the breeze take me where I want to be. Starfire uses laser beams, technically beams of light, wicked comic lore, & many times she was driven mad. but here, right now, I have my grasp even if I'm sedated. I'm not a superhero, I just listen, obtain knowledge, & dream oddly. just an odd human being, who can help when able. if the world falls into chaos, I'll still be fighting for those I love in the ways I know how. healing.

[didyouswallowastarr]

comedy

did you think I was unaware that this world isn't a comedy.. by true definition? how many movies & books do you think I've read & picked apart? I'm intelligent, until my ADD brain gets overheated & I have to reset. I think I got the best flavor of Autism, some pretty good genes for a chronically ill woman. herbs & supplements are pretty interesting. I don't mind if the cost is the world thinking I've lost my mind, insanity isn't a competition, & we all are in our own ways. if you disagree you're just a liar. whether you put clean underwear, dirty underwear, or none at all, & brush/don't brush your teeth every morning, that's a routine. the only thing keeping us grounded is belief, & with massive grief, we're all spinning into chaos, like I didn't see that coming? I've lost so many loved ones I don't speak about but see signs of everywhere. signs to remind me to stop spiraling. spinning in those circles drives you into oblivion, & I've written pieces for those I love that are no longer here, but written & released from my mind, not to share until I'm ready, if I ever am. I pray every morning & night for safety for all. rewiring your brain isn't an easy task when you're traumatized. I am full of whimsy, & well earned. I know tricks, hacks, everything to get by on the smallest dime. not to be cocky, but I've gotten the hang of things again, I just need people to stop disregulating my nervous system. there are only a few in this world I'll do that for, I wouldn't have much technology if I didn't need it, but for them..... there is not an ocean that could keep me from those I love. not every one is a warrior in the ways you believe they must be, no one should be absorbing this much grief. trust me, I would know, you'll lose your mind. chaos is everywhere, we're all trapped in different ways. but step away, & regulate, even if just for a moment. yesterday was pure insanity & I still held my grasp. in an angry world, what frequency are you putting out there? energy is never created nor destroyed, why stream anger when you can stream hope? when you can pray to whomever you believe in? chaos does not negate chaos, it speeds it along. you can be angry, grief-stricken, absolutely mad, it doesn't matter. look at everything on a larger scale, absorb that, & try to understand that you'll never understand. that all you can do is what you can do. do something for yourself, those you love, & for what you believe in. but who am I to say anything, anyway?

-Sataija Starr Aroz (don't wear it out)

[didyouswallowastarr]

throw an arrow

I find it quite comical that some of my exes knowing my medical problems would quite literally try to push me to my grave with their secrets. two of them would rather achieve some sort of fame at the cost of my life. like I didn't document both of you being far too aggressive with it, & are you happy now? you both have faces I used to adore, souls I used to adore for how lost they were, & now they're just faces, now they're just calculated souls that would throw a woman into the cold oblivion just to step on her back that's already bruised, step on a body that's already breaking down. both have names that start with an A, what a coincidence, or perhaps I've dated too many people. too many people I'd refuse to spin in circles with. would you like me to apologize? I'm sorry I didn't want to move into an apartment with you a few years ago, I'm sorry we kept playing phone tag until you realized I was wilting, I'm sorry you stole precious momentos from me, lied, cheated, & psychologically tortured me for years. & to the other, I'm sorry I didn't want to be a third in your relationship lmfao. that's all I'll speak on it, my therapists have always been well aware of the likes of you. I have no will to expose you again, as it just isn't my heart anymore. I wish you actual growth, moving with energy like that gets you nowhere. acting as if I haven't been growing this entire time, shattering my ego mirror every time I get too swept up in the material world, I have.

as for the woman on facebook, keep facebook. I tried to warn you of a sick individual & you told me my life was of little importance to you too. so I'm off the grid everywhere besides here, & that's okay. throw an arrow, send me a message, you can stay anon. can't promise I'll get back to you right away as I'm putting the effort into myself, into staying alive. this world has taken so many things from me, my mind has taken so many things from me, my body has taken so many things from me, so go ahead... aim an arrow. I promise you'll miss. there is no accuracy in what you'd all like to portray me as, so strike me down if you're so inclined. you can't, you're in the past. the only people I'd like in my future know how to reach me. so go ahead, grab an arrow, grab a word, an adjective, a narrative, spin it however, & you will never hit truth. nice try though. today? today I kind of feel like going for a walk. yesterday was a swirl of pain wondering if the people I love are actually doing okay in this madness. I don't want any of them to think any of my health problems are their fault. I was the one ignoring my health to live as happily as I could, now I balance. today I'll go for a walk. I actually think there may be some yard sales around to search for gifts for my family, who knows?

-Sataija Starr Aroz

[didyouswallowastarr]

classic love triangles

the most basic trope in novels, yet somehow people love to root for some magical decision, as if they know what's best for the character. do you know what it's like to be fist fought over? you see a girl get punched in the face over you because your high school boyfriend won't stop cheating & insisted on fighting a guy who told him he'd take you from him if he didn't? I told him it wasn't worth his time, I told myself it was my choice to stay, & it was. even if I was being traumatized beyond belief our entire relationship, I did anything to try to make him happy as if it were my duty. I should've left but I didn't, I won't go too much into the details or it'll spin me in circles with how many times he threatened to delete, how many nights I couldn't sneak out to take the vices from him, how many times I laid crying next to him believing it would stop if I was enough. it was programming the worst kind of love into my system, & watching not just two men, but three men fight over me in the hall, a girl getting smacked, a crowd swarming. I'm not exactly sure how the fight broke up. I just remember her face, & I stepped into the ring, nobody hit me, but it stopped. I don't remember how, nothing hurt, & I hadn't hurt anyone. before it had happened I had pleaded, it was not worth it. one of those men passed away awhile ago, he wasn't the one who initiated the fight, he was just a shy guy I'd never really spoken to but had seen around school, the other more cocky, I did see again later in life just to be irritated by the chivalry of waking me up out of my sleep hungover to answer the door because he'd rode to my house on a brisk morning. I still let him inside, let him warm up, before I sent him on his way, I hold no ill will for him either, wrong place, wrong time, wrong girl. as for Ricky, may he rest in peace. I didn't know him well, but he was always sweet to me, & the fight seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm not sure what happened to bring upon his end, but it still cracked me with guilt. no one deserves that. especially someone so young, & I hope he's truly at peace.

no one deserves to be fought over like a piece of property, like a piece of land. I hold no animosity for anyone who got swept up in the idea of me, but in all reality I always wanted to make my own choices. even now, some rivalries I've created by just speaking of love, but never being in love. those are longer more complex stories I don't have the time to write today, but how tall do you think my pedestal is? the one I've built for myself is growing but short, the one built for me is one I'd never make the fall. I am expected to be absolutely perfect, sunshine & rainbows. I seek shelter in people who don't make me feel like I have to live up to unrealistic expectations.

true stories of my life have underlying themes or metaphors as you see, that pertain to bigger subject matter I won't go into in these stories. overall I was always better off healing by myself. the company I keep is odd, sure, but I'd like to keep another aneurysm at bay, I'd like to only have small tremors, I'd like to be left to heal before I can do much of anything for anyone else in big ways. I'm just hiding, resting, recovering on my own time, maybe not in the best ways, but I'm trying to recover without vices, & that's hard. when I'm alone too long I can't help but cry. but every person willing to embrace me has intentions too. the world is going mad my dears, the chaos sweeping my sense of self off the map when I pay too much attention. & so is everyone else, in search of distractions & finding none. in search of income, when everyone is living day to day. where is my escape when there is safety in nothing & nobody anymore? not true solid trust to be given when I pay too much attention to those around me, & what they say in a tiny slip up. rivalries were just not my style, but again... I'd rush into things to drown out the noise of my past, I'd cry to the wrong people about not feeling enough, & my friendships are no longer anyone's business. I'm just navigating my own psyche in an attempt to do & be better like everyone else. that's all you can do, try your best.

so maybe I trapped myself on the board, waking up terrified that something will happen to anyone I care about. then I have to breathe deep breaths, until I ground myself, & the beating in my heart, knee, & toe stop throbbing, until my tension headache goes away. before my conditions get any worse, before I am wilted completely. when I'm not chasing a dream, horrors are chasing me. not a prize to be won, or a spectacle, a traumatized human being who couldn't hide anything, not even a wide range of music taste that got her through. what is the rush to fall in love if I'm wilting? the world is wilting. everything is tilted & nothing will let me turn away without making me feel like a terrible human for doing so. it was never a competition, it was never a game, yet my life is being played with like a piece on the board. not to say I'm the only one, clearly that isn't the case. what happened so recently is still haunting me to my core, I've written about it in large detail to release & then shake from my mind. but in a way, I've found solace in odd places in exchange for peace & safety. for now. as the world is bombarded with chaos, I'm fighting. for my sanity, in quite unorthodox ways, but ways nonetheless, I'm retracing my steps to heal my feet, so maybe some day I can speak, step, walk, sing, & dance freely, even if I need a walking stick, a cane, or a seat to do so. overall all I wanted was the ability to protect, but now I'm on the map like a giant billboard, & you wouldn't understand unless you asked me how.

-Sataija Starr Aroz

[didyouswallowastarr]

I've word vomited on the internet my entire life.

when I was younger, I was so lost & hurt all the time. I didn't want to be in a world that never understood me. when I was younger, I wasn't much understood either, but I understood myself. teacher's pet, constantly following my teachers around to babble about books, my ideas, concepts, my dreams. teacher's pet lead to silence when I'd quite literally have to tone down how much I enjoyed reading when I'd get the eye roll when I surpassed the amount of minutes spent reading every month. little did everyone know I was toning that down too to stop being seen as a 'try hard'. I read for hours every single night to escape. in middle school I was writing an email, a girl came up to me & questioned why. "I'm already done with all of my homework," staring idly at the email, checking for grammatical errors to an unsent message to my pen pal. "Do mine." I made a face, what do you mean? do YOUR homework? "No," I scoffed, & then she bit me. which made me laugh, I thought to myself... was this the excitement of MY story? so we became bestfriends. my mom always concerned about the dirt I was getting on a dress I didn't mind getting dirty, I was along for the ride at that point. leaving the bedroom with a canopy bed, & tall bookcases filled to the brim. in my mind, though we moved every year, that is where my soul resided all along. was I sheltered or running the streets like a little kid again? where was I anyway? my story isn't a pretty one, but I often romanticize it to work through the trauma. I'd write about people in their best moments, & bury the horrific traumas so deep within, that it was much to unpack as an adult. I wanted to scrub away the dirt so badly, I wanted to pretend that none of it ever happened to me. I wanted to be the heroine that could save everyone else, but ultimately always lost myself in that. I've lived a life I'm surprised I even have the time left to tell. I've escaped death so many times, & when I finally wanted to live for my future, it was so bad I didn't know how. there are no villains in my life story, nor heroes, just human beings. some did vile, horrendous, unspeakable things, but I was trapped in a whirlwind, a train, & it was bound to crash & split wide open. have I said & done things I regret? hasn't everyone? do you think I wouldn't admit my wrong-doings? most people aren't capable. I'm exhausted of spinning narratives that paint people in the best light, & leaving myself with no paint. others paint me as someone incapable of change, incapable of remorse, or simply just a liar before I could even live to tell the tale. so many stones cast at a woman because she word vomited about her trauma. I chose silence once again so everyone would stay away, left the entire state. to a place I called my castle of isolation, where I met other lost souls, & ultimately fell again. chasing a love that simply did not exist, chasing a bottle with nothing but a breath. chasing acceptance from people who'd discard me in a second. I was given a chance to show my growth in that regard & I simply didn't want to play that game either. I hurt someone I truly cared for, & he truly cared for me, but there was a lot of pain there too. & in the end, I was running from the only person I ever dare dreamt to have an actual calm steady 'boring' life with... because I've been chronically ill my whole life & I had squandered it. because dreaming with him I thought maybe I hadn't. maybe I could still be who I am with all the wounds, & I don't mean my arms. scars on my soul, which he saw & still called beautiful. I no longer cared for what I looked like, I just wanted to be seen for who I truly am. he wasn't perfect either, many scars in those eyes. but the intent was always there, he wanted me to keep growing. do you know how hard that was to let go? with an ultimate savior complex, I begged God to take me instead, because I truly believed he wouldn't get everything he ever wanted in this lifetime, in a state of fear. I truly believed I couldn't go on, that my chronic illness' had won, & sometimes they do.

being scathed by the reaper isn't anything new to me, but I will say, the only enemies I have now are the stairs, the shower, my schedules, & time itself. I won't get into politics here, not everyone is meant to change the world, certainly not someone who can barely get out of bed some days. maybe in my past writings for a book never published I did fight for that. I've become so frustrated with my computer & the internet, the constant buzzing... that a phone call to program support is too overwhelming right now. I'm frightened when I go to appointments, & get unexpected calls. my nervous system needs a break, so I cut myself some slack. I don't sit here & pretend anymore, & I have no battles to uphold when I no longer pay it mind. I've made amends on my own time, & I continue. but who do I owe the most time to? myself & those I love. how could a bleeding heart, a bleeding soul, do anything but bleed? they create, even if that creation is just a breath. do I love him? always. but I had never been in love before, though I'd loved people that ended in destruction, I'd never been in love. not with a person. so maybe the key was always inside of me, in the past, in my dreams, in the rivers, streams, oceans, fields, mountains, skies, maybe I wasn't a bird screaming anymore, a weeping willow, a wildflower that caught fire, who knows? maybe I was a spider who grew wings.

maybe the journey was always back to my own heart, & the love I needed to pour back into my own reality, the people around me, & my own art, my own wings.

-Sataija Starr Aroz

(I think I should start signing these, right?)

P.S. are we expected to inhale word vomit? because trust me, I've learned the weight of my words by now, & its exhausting replaying it all. I have too much on my plate to keep eating it. or rather not enough food on my plate to keep eating regret.

[didyouswallowastarr]

did you swallow a star? I did.

maybe the reason I related to Studio Ghibli movies my entire life is because I was desperately searching for the answers myself. how many times have you seen Howl's Moving Castle? can you pick apart each metaphor? they always said the movies were for children, my neurodivergent self knew there was more there than meets the eye. I've watched most of them 100s of times. so say metaphorically, I'm both Howl and Sophie confined to one body searching for my inner-child to save myself, do you think I made it in time? or do you think I got so many labels slapped on me before I could even speak? interesting.. huh? does my mental health define me forever? ..or just when everyone else finds it convenient? for a little girl whose favorite games were solitaire and minesweeper, her books her bestfriends, you think you could play checkers or chess with her? she can spot a cue, tone, tactic, and any game from a mile away. is she paranoid or was she just playing a different game than everyone else? noticing but not mentioning, noting but not speaking.. because what happens when somebody takes a card? you'll never finish solitaire. what happens when everyone monitors you by your mistakes? does it matter where you move in minesweeper? do I still exist if you haven't had a conversation with me? all hypotheticals of course. people will smile in your face, be polite, and throw you down a rabbit hole the second you're of no use to them. did I say I was a saint? never. but I've gotten better at noticing where I've stepped, spoken, better at paying attention, better at playing this game neurotypicals love us playing. except.. it wasn't a game, it was my life. I learned those things to survive. my body is getting the best of me, but its been ticking for awhile. I guess we'll see how fast the white rabbit can run, I can't turn back time or abandon the castle, but I can exist. I can enjoy my moments on this planet, I can ignore everyone else's little tests, and live in peace, right? right? or is speaking into the void sooo delusional? I'll print you another label. books, my best friends. steal a page, you're still not speaking any truth about my life my dears. I own the awful pages, I won't run away, in fact I can barely walk these days, but hey.. you won, right? love that for you. (my friend says that sarcastically so I suppose I like that term.) anyway, those without a grasp on reality can't really point fingers... and me? I'm medicated, meditating, and moving on.. so, hi I guess. I doubt you even know me at all, but I'm getting out of this nightmare narrative. I don't know if I can help.. but I'll certainly try when I can. I'm going to put myself, and my loved ones first. staying alive is more important than your understanding of me or comfortability with my talents, curses, or whatever you'd like to call them. just an introduction.. it's been awhile, huh?