diedbrave

[diedbrave]

It was absolutely a lot of processing, that was for sure. Eddie was a thinker - maybe not to the degree some of his other friends were, but he always tried to process things and look at things through every angle. It was truly the best way to avoid anxiety, because that would mean that he could see things coming from a mile away before they actually happened. This though - this was a lot to process.

In some ways, he knew what Richie meant. Because while Eddie clearly wasn't in the public eye - well, until now - he understood what it was like to get used to a new life. A new you. Old you? It was so hard to say. If Pennywise hadn't happened, would they have gotten to this position sooner, or would it have been avoided some other way. Regardless, Eddie had been living his life as a 'straight' man, with a job he hated, and a wife he didn't love. He understood entirely.

He did wince a little at the mention of being Richie's life and the comment to follow after, but even in the drunkness, Richie seemed to correct. A soft smile of understanding, crossing the room, moving and placing a hand on Richie's shoulder. "Somewhat? I mean, some of it is still confusing as fuck, but I think I get the gist." Warm smile. "You're right, a lot has changed. It's navigating life all over again. Kind of like when you're eighteen and you're suddenly expected to get your life in order, but the pieces are everywhere."

A hand moved gently down Richie's arm, down towards his hand. He took the beer that he was holding, leaning past him to sit it aside on the counter, before grabbing his hand. Giving it a squeeze. "It was going to come out sooner or later, Rich. It isn't like I want to spend my life hiding our relationship, when we were robbed of it for so long. I'm just not used to the spotlight like you are. But I trust you, and I trust that we'll be able to handle this together. Okay?"

"I don't know..." Richie gave a sort of shrug, his wide shoulders sagging, his arm, holding a beer, dipping lower between his knees as he sat on the chair, full attention towards Eddie. He hung his head for a moment, screwing his eyes shut, the think he did when he was thinking, when he was making himself admit things he already knew or didn't want to commit to.

"I mean," Richie lifted his head, looking a little bleary eyed. "Just... you know, everything." His free hand waved in a universal 'all this' in the air kind of motion. And drunk Richie thought he was being perfect clear when he was being vague as all hell.

"I don't think I'm worried about... like what people will say. Pete's community, his fans, my fans-- Well, my new fans, they're pretty chill. I mean, really understanding about the bigger picture and 'the work' and all that." Richie put 'the work' in air quotes, referring to his more recent persona and comments he'd been making online. Mostly trying to prove he was disowning his douchebag fanbase. Trying to slowly, dilberately and more importantly look natural doing it, shifting the ven diagram of himself out of the Joe Rogan space and into the kinder Alt Comedy scene.

"We've had a lot of shit happen in the past year... A lot of changes. And... I guess I'm getting used to... what I do... and what-- how I talk about myself and my life... also--" Richie sighed, his drunk brain was a lot better at thinking these thoughts to himself rather than getting them out of that trash mouth. "You are my life. And I'm still trying to get used to that." He paused, looking expectantly to Eddie, already apologetic, "That sounds bad. I mean being a public person and not... making you one too. Because I know you don't want that. And that's fine. That's good. That's fucking normal. I don't know if I know how to be one anymore." Richie took a sip of his beer.

"Am I making sense?"

[diedbrave]

Richie after seeing Eddie but also remembering Pennywise

[diedbrave]

🐝  *  ―  𝑬𝑴𝑶𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑨𝑳𝑳𝒀 𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑮𝑬𝑫 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.

❛  why did you have to leave me?  ❜ ❛  how could you do this to me?  ❜ ❛  i trusted you!  ❜ ❛  i'm sorry, but i can't do this anymore.  ❜ ❛  do you even care how much you hurt me?  ❜ ❛  i'll never stop fighting for us, no matter what.  ❜ ❛  i don't know if i can forgive you.  ❜ ❛  i never thought i'd feel so alone, even when you're right here.  ❜ ❛  please don't go, i can't handle losing you too.  ❜ ❛  you were the one person i thought i could always count on. why did you have to let me down?  ❜ ❛  did you ever even care about us? about me?  ❜ ❛  i wish i could hate you for what you've done, but i can't.  ❜ ❛  why do you always have to play games with my feelings?  ❜ ❛  i never thought saying goodbye would hurt this much.  ❜ ❛  every time i close my eyes, all i see is the pain you've caused.  ❜ ❛  why do you insist on tearing us apart when we could be so happy together?  ❜ ❛  i'm tired of pretending everything's okay when it's clearly not.  ❜ ❛  i don't even know who you are anymore.  ❜ ❛  i need you to understand how much you mean to me.  ❜ ❛  i'm scared of losing you, but i'm even more scared of losing myself.  ❜ ❛  why won't you let me in? what are you so afraid of?  ❜ ❛  you were my world, and now everything is falling apart.  ❜ ❛  how am i supposed to trust anyone after what you've done?  ❜ ❛  i can't go through this heartache again.  ❜ ❛  why did you leave without saying goodbye?  ❜ ❛  how could you say something like that to me?  ❜ ❛  you've always had a way of making me feel worthless.  ❜ ❛  don't you dare walk away from me when i'm talking to you.  ❜ ❛  please, just tell me the truth, even if it hurts. i can handle it.  ❜ ❛  i don't know how to fix what's broken between us anymore.  ❜ ❛  you're not the person i fell in love with anymore.  ❜ ❛  just hold me and tell me everything will be okay, even if it's a lie.  ❜ ❛  i trusted you, and you betrayed me.  ❜ ❛  i never meant to hurt you, it was never my intention.  ❜ ❛  i've given you everything, and it's still not enough.  ❜ ❛  why do you always have to make everything about you?  ❜ ❛  why did you do it? why did you betray me like that?  ❜ ❛  i miss you ... more than words can say.  ❜ ❛  you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and i'm scared of losing you.  ❜ ❛  i'll always be here for you, no matter what. just please don't shut me out.  ❜

[diedbrave]

↳ BILL HADER on the set of IT CHAPTER 2 (2019) 

[diedbrave]

Continued for @alldeadrock

Normally, Eddie would be rolling his eyes in absolute exasperation at Richie's ridiculous jokes. But honestly? He was feeling far too good to even be annoyed, and even he could admit that the joke was rather funny. He was still just in awe of this whole thing, like someone would pinch him and he would have been dreaming. He had witnessed all his friends going on dates, having their first times, but Edward Arthur Kaspbrak had been completely alone.

So excited he was, he didn't even notice how Richie's body language and tone had changed. Eddie could typically be pretty good at reading other people, especially the two people that mattered most in his life - Richie and Bill. Most times he could practically just look at them and know what they were thinking. This wasn't one of those times. Eddie was entirely oblivious to how this might be making Richie feel, though why wouldn't he be? It wasn't like Richie had ever told him otherwise.

At the question, he looked up from his own lunch, giving a shrug. "Fuck if I know. That's why we're just keeping it small at first, getting coffee and chatting. You know I've never been on a date before, so I'm not exactly sure what dates do. I don't even know what I'm supposed to wear. I don't want to show up looking like an asshole. Or an idiot. Or both." Ramble ramble ramble.

[diedbrave]

🐝  *  ―  𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑭𝑬𝑺𝑺𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺.

❛  but i do care about you ... a lot.  ❜ ❛  do you really need me to say it? fine, i love you. happy now?  ❜ ❛  i didn't think you'd feel the same way.  ❜ ❛  the truth is, i don't want just anyone. i want you.  ❜ ❛  you know i love you, right?  ❜ ❛  i want to spend the rest of my life with you.  ❜ ❛  you're the only person who has ever made me feel this way.  ❜ ❛  can't you see how much i care about you?  ❜ ❛  i did all of this for you. because ... because i love you.  ❜ ❛  please don't make me say it. saying it is gonna make it real and i'm not sure i'm ready for that yet.  ❜ ❛  somewhere along the way, you became more than just a friend.  ❜ ❛  i can't keep pretending like i don't love you.  ❜ ❛  well, i like you. i really, really like you.  ❜ ❛  i like you a lot more than i ever thought i would.  ❜ ❛  you're an idiot ... but you are my idiot and i wouldn't have it any other way.  ❜ ❛  when we first met, i didn't think you'd ever mean so much to me.  ❜ ❛  i could do this on my own but i don't want to. i want you right by my side every step of the way.  ❜ ❛  for once, i'm gonna make the selfish choice and be with whoever i want to be. and that person is you.  ❜ ❛  you've made me so incredibly happy.  ❜ ❛  i wasn't planning on telling you like this but now is better than never.  ❜ ❛  believe it or not, i do enjoy spending time with you.  ❜ ❛  i still don't understand what i ever did to deserve someone like you in my life.  ❜ ❛  i love you. i'm in love with you.  ❜ ❛  just being with you is enough ... you are enough.  ❜ ❛  i love everything about you. even the things i don't like, i love.  ❜ ❛  i have been trying so hard not to say anything, to just ignore it, but i cannot do that any longer.  ❜ ❛  when i wake up, you're the first person i think about.  ❜ ❛  i've never felt a connection like this with anyone else ever before.  ❜ ❛  there's something i've been meaning to tell you for a while ... i love you.  ❜ ❛  don't ever do something like this again! i thought i'd lost you ... and i can't ever lose you.  ❜ ❛  i don't hate you. i actually like you. a lot.  ❜ ❛  you don't have to say anything, i understand. and i want you to know that i feel the same way.  ❜ ❛  what's not to love about you? you're beautiful and kind and you're overall the most amazing person i have ever met.  ❜ ❛  i have no idea how i ever managed to fall in love with someone as infuriating as you.  ❜ ❛  i just want you to know how i feel ... in case one of us won't make it.  ❜ ❛  i can't believe it's taken me this long to realize but i love you.  ❜ ❛  whenever you're around, i can feel the butterflies in my stomach.  ❜ ❛  but most of all, i hate how much i don't hate you.  ❜ ❛  you are the most important person in my life.  ❜ ❛  i love you more than words can express.  ❜

[diedbrave]

I'm so relieved to see you are okay. I was worried about you <3

Awww, thank you. <3 I'm doing fine. Just a lot of things contributed to me not really being here; mostly moving to a new blog that takes up all my time, as well as not having a lot of interactions here. But I intend to be around here a lot more, so. You checking in is so sweet. :)

[diedbrave]

there are so many options for absolute comedy from eddie seeing richie again for the first time in 27 years. like theres so many options. these bitches are gay.

"FUCK! i'm gay. how the HELL

did i forget i was gay?"

is humiliated to realize that the comedian he's been a big fan of for years is RICHIE TOZIER his asshole childhood friend, and not in fact a cool celebrity he will never interact with

remembers some sort of humiliating moment of childhood pining and has to physically lean against something so he doesn't collapse in a puddle of embarrassment.

"i can't believe richie isn't even funny anymore what the fuck" (he is deeply relieved when richie says he doesn't write his own material)

"i've been carrying a torch for this man for well over half my life. that is humiliating. i wonder if i can get away with killing us both."

(out loud) "i need a divorce. immediately."

his brain immediately short circuits and he yells "LETS TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND KISS!"

the horror of the situation slowly dawns on eddie as he realizes that the nameless man from his brief and guilty fantasies does in fact have a name and that name is richie tozier

looks over at mike, completely betrayed that he didn't warn him that he was deeply in love with one of the people who would be showing up soon.

[diedbrave]

reading IT fix-it-fics be like:

[diedbrave]

reblog this if you are a canon divergent portrayal out of pure fucking saltiness towards the canon

[diedbrave]

Eddie hated the way that he could literally feel his eyebrows furrow, staring at the carpet. His mind was racing, trying to pluck away each individual thought that was currently a messed up ball of string that was completely tangled. A lot of it didn't make sense to him, because he had clearly never been into pornography. Sonia would have absolutely killed him, and being with Myra practically killed all sex drive.

The only thing that had ever gotten him aroused before getting their memories back was, well, the man in front of him. Was that wrong? Pathetic? Maybe he wasn't even gay, and he was just Richie-sexual. Nothing to be ashamed about, he was just incredibly infatuated with his man. Maybe that made him less of the normal one, and Richie was right - it wasn't that deep.

His brown eyes flickered up, and if Richie knew him well enough, he would be able to distinguish most of the emotions in those irises. And not one of them was anger. Fear. Confusion. Sadness. Worry. Jealousy. "I came to that conclusion, Richie, because of the type of content you were watching. I'm not all...big and strong like the guys on your screen." He didn't understand the concept that sometimes, just sometimes, people just scrolled and clicked without it being something that caught their particular interest.

"I know we've been together a long time now, but I'm still learning a lot. I have forty years of repressed gayness here, my dude." He laughs lightly, hoping it would lighten the mood a bit. "The only exposure I ever had to porn were those dirty magazines you'd bring into my room or the clubhouse, and I never got the appeal. Which, you know, makes sense now." Snort. "I'm just trying to learn as I go, and all I want....all I want is to make you feel good, Rich. That's all."

richie stopped the moment eddie snapped at him because despite him saying he wasn’t mad, it was fucking obvious he was. and richie didn’t know how to fix it. there wasn’t much he could do, other than apologise and he’d already done that a lot. maybe he just needed to give eddie some space to process, to work through whatever he was feeling . . . maybe richie just needed to do something to show eddie how sorry he was. he just didn’t know what that was right now.

‘ no, eds. it’s not that. ’ richie almost guffawed. how could eddie think that was the reason why he was watching porn ? he was watching it because . . . well, he was just in the mood to do so. it was nothing to do with eddie.

‘ i don’t – i don’t even understand how you got to that thought ? i mean, sure, i’ve usually mostly been with dominant guys but that’s not— ' richie stopped himself, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth. ‘ no. eddie, no i don’t want anyone else, i don’t want a more dominant man. i want you. i was just watching porn, dude, it’s not . . . it’s not that deep. ’

[diedbrave]

"Oh, fuck off, Richie." He's huffing, cheeks puffing out in an embarrassed and slightly annoyed manner. He didn't really know why Richie was trying to make a scene in front of his new friend - though it was probably all in his head. Richie had always been a loud mouth (beep beep richie), so it would come as no surprise that the man was just trying to tell stories. Being the pain in the ass he had been since youth.

"I'm hiding in the corner, as you so kindly put it, because my best fucking friend decided to drag me to a party when he knows I have major social anxiety, and then ran off to get wasted and probably finger some chick in the bathroom." Maybe that was a bit harsh, but Eddie was known for having some bite to him. And he wasn't going to let Richie act like this if Richie was the one to abandon him in the first place.

Which only irritated him even more when the redhead tossed his arm around the smaller Loser. He was shooting daggers at him, though probably couldn't notice due to the way that Eddie's face had almost been tugged against the other's chest. Sure, he was definitely tipsy, and that was why he had been so emboldened to chew Richie out, but he didn't want - "Richie! I'm not a fucking child!"

He hated the way that he shoved the older at that, breaking the hold that Richie had on him. He cared for Richie, even loved him, but Richie had never shown interest and now there was this guy and Richie was totally fucking it up! "Just because I don't want to be on the fast track to liver failure, doesn't mean that I can't drink every so often at a party, with other adults, as an adult myself. I'm not a buzzkill."

Richie certainly hoped that Eddie did not for one minute think that he didn't notice Eddie not noticing him. Not that he was going to say anything about it, because wow way to be pathetic, Tozier.

Still.

He flashed a smile at this Brian guy with a quick nice to meet you. Because he was a polite kind of guy. Sometimes. "You're only an outsider because you hide in the corner, Eds. You gotta get out there. Experience the world."

He hooked an arm around Eddie, leaning in close. "You're a little tipsy, aren't you?" He looked at Brian again. "You can't let him drink, y'know. He's a lightweight. No, he's worse than that. He's a featherweight. Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes he decides he's dying. Isn't that right, Eds?" Was he overusing the nickname just to annoy him? Hm. Hard to tell.

[diedbrave]

Drinking starters

as requested by @ambitionbled (it won’t let me tag you, sorry!)

CONCERN.

❝How much have you had to drink?❞

❝You could have fucking alcohol poisoning!❞  

❝Easy, there. Try to sit up.❞

❝I think I might’ve overdone it on the alcohol…❞

❝We’ve got to go get your stomach pumped.❞

❝I thought you said you were clean!❞

❝Yes, it is a big deal.❞

❝Let me drive you home.❞

❝You are NOT driving like this!❞

❝You are gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.❞

❝Drinking until you puke is not normal.❞

DRUNK.

❝Is this real life?❞ 

❝I want to go to sleep but I can’t find any sheep.❞

❝How do you show fish affection?❞

❝Taco Bell is open 24 hours, right?❞

❝Tequila is not my friend? YOU’RE not my friend.❞

❝Drunk I am not.❞

-glasses on head- ❝Where did I put my glasses?❞

❝How do I tell my parents I’m a mermaid?❞ 

❝I’m not even tired.❞

❝I should call my ex.❞

❝I’m not drunk enough for this.❞

❝Does playing Mario Kart drunk count as drunk driving?❞

-hugging the floor- ❝I’m trying to stop the floor from spinning.❞

❝Can we go out for fried chicken?❞

ANGST.

❝What’s the fucking point anymore?❞

❝Screw recovery. I want a drink.❞

❝I’m too sober for this shit.❞ 

❝I don’t give a shit what you think.❞

❝I seriously don’t feel too good.❞

❝I didn’t even have that much to drink.❞

❝Will you stop fucking interrogating me?❞

❝I can drive. I’m fine.❞

❝There’s a reason I drink so much.❞

❝You’re the reason I drink so much.❞

❝I’m only happy when I’m drunk.❞

FLUFF/FUN.

❝You’re cute, you know that?❞ 

❝You wanna get wasted?❞

❝I’m bar-hopping tonight, wanna come?❞

❝What are you drinking, and why aren’t you sharing?❞

❝I’m having a party for two.❞

❝You’re so hot.❞

❝I’m usually too chicken-shit to say this, but…I really like you.❞

❝I don’t want to kiss you with your alcohol breath.❞

*kisses on forehead*

*kisses on cheek*

*kisses on lips*

[diedbrave]

Guess who is back after -squints-....well shit, the first time since Mother's Day. And I MEAN it. I have already put a few things in the queue. You all thought I was lying, but nope, Eddie Kaspbrak will always mean everything to me. I even just did the most STELLAR shoot as him the other day. So yes, I'm here. Not sure who else is left honestly, but I'm going to be replying to everything I had saved even if people are no longer around, just to put it out there. It's nice to be back, Losers. <3

[diedbrave]

Popping on for my annual post of saying Happy Mother's Day to everyone but Sonia fucking Kaspbrak.

[diedbrave]

Going to be doing stuff on this blog shortly. Life has been a whirlwind lately, but it is finally slowing down. <3 I have not abandoned Eddie, and I honestly never will, even if I'm the last remaining IT blog on the planet.

[diedbrave]

I forgot that while I was in Japan I made an entire list of head canon prompts for Eddie while listening to the audio book. Once I finish cleaning up things on my other blog, I'm going to come post that list.