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when i listen to your music i am jealous of whoever gets to lie in a bed with you, listening to it, in low light, with their hands and their arms wherever they want to leave them. With a morning approaching that’s yours to decide and a body that’s theirs to roam. I am jealous of the encounters between your lips and your bodies, as your music plays and the night creeps in, as sheets crawl upon your skin. I dream of candlelight and no plans for the next, as my finger draws maps on your stomach. I’d draw maps of all the places I don’t need to visit to find wonder in the world, barely sleeping as your jawline shadows the minimal light in the room. I am jealous of the electrcity between your faces and the absolute ignorance of the world as everything that exists is between your bodies. I am jealous of the evening and the decreasing light that mirrors over your bodies as you lie in contentment, perfectly illuminated by a mirror of light that angles hour by hour. Your hip bone, perfectly placed upon theirs, intertwined with your favourite person and your favourite noise. I am jealous of a night that would give me more feeling than experiences that people seek for the whole of their lives. Existence, made. Simply by nothing, but you, your body, skin upon skin and the songs that describe exactly who you are and what you feel. I am jealous of the smallest moments, the day by day and the everything, that the whole world continues and will always continue, to take for granted.
I just know that I never would.
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balance, not symmetry.
this doesn’t come to you from any place of sadness, regret, upset. It maybe even doesn’t even come to you. It doesn’t even come from any place of elation, happiness or sheer excitement, it comes from genuine contentment and sheer appreciation of science, biology, religion or whatever the reason we feel the way we do. or why we are here or why we are even meant to exist.
It has been an absolute crazy year so far, filled with so many surprises, feelings and periods of absolute vile heartache, euphoric happiness, distorted confusion and sunken depression. I have wondered what I am doing, why I am doing it and for some sort of reason, method or plan. A rest on hope, change or explanation. A voice, a meaning or explained configuration. And all it did was leave me feeling hollow, emty and awaiting transition.
My favourite band released their first album twenty years ago. I have grown up with them. They have released some of the most meaningful pieces of music I have ever heard and dissapointed me on countless occasions. They have grown, gone from label to label and dingy basement to wembley arena. Like a proud parent, I have stuck by them. They have pissed me off, made me proud, made me cry, made me embarrassed but made me stay. I simply adore them. Always have, always will. Their vile logo on my arm haunts me, until of course, they release something that makes me proud. Regardless. Yesterday they without warning, announcement or any sign, released a new album, which is a soundtrack, to a film they have written. It came from nowhere. It just appeared. And it is, as a fan, one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. It wouldn’t to anybody else, because beauty for them, for me, resides in regression.
Today, as cliche as it sounds, as gay as it sounds, as traveler as it sounds. I walked to the beach, walked the length of it and totally immersed myself in that album and it brought me a feeling purer than anything I have felt in months. I felt so appreciative, so happy, so content and so myself. I felt excited. Just for summer, gigs, my friends, my favourite band. Hearing songs live, spending time with people. I felt so much, from so little. And as cliche again, as it sounds, I realised life isn’t about landmarks, achievements, gaining something, where I am at. Happiness and contentment reside in small moments that contribute to each day and that’s all we should focus on and stop chasing huge momentous occasions we think will bring impact. We just need to surround ourselves with small things, good people, that truly contribute to us as people. I live in a country people save for months to visit, I don’t have to go to work, I am healthy, have a great family and the most happiness I have felt in such a long time, came from listening to an album on the beach.
When I came home, I showered. You crossed my mind, like you always do. And I remembered an overlooked memory. Sure I recall all we have discussed, the details, the big moments. But today, again, with emphasis on lack of sadness, recalled the second time we met. We had changed bars and relocated to the beer garden. The others didn’t smoke and we moved to a different table. I remember the huge overwhelming feeling of adoration, attraction, interest and desire. I remember just being so transfixed, so excited, so vulnerable and ecstatic. I remember that feeling made me feel higher than anything I had seen or done in such a long time. A simply encounter with another human, bringing me feelings that are simply not accessible from any experience or drug. And all natural. chemical. Something the body creates and provides, based on encounter. I recalled that moment with no utter trace or regret or heartache. I recalled it with genuine appreciation for the power of what is possible and what is to come. What the body and mind can feel and the positivity it can inflict. It is common knowledge I haven’t done drugs before, yet also drank so much I probably hit another dimension. But at that point, it was literally no other impact or input except from interaction with another human in another moment. Nothing materliastic, bought or created. And it felt absolutely incredible.
My god, how gay. But I can’t help it. At a time when I was genuinely crushed to be returning home, my lifestyle, routine, relationship ruined, surroundings to be changing, with no plan, no savings and no goal I realised it is secondary. I have the ability to fill my days with so much, from so little and I genuinely have so much to look forward to. What I felt with that album, I will feel with another, what I felt with you, I will feel with another. And that feels just as exciting as moving countries, career progression or a salary increase. Emphasis suddenly lifted from chasing momentous occasions and change and instead into filling my days with small amounts of happiness. Sourcing fulfilment from moments and relationships, experiences and people. In one day, I felt two moments of pure contentment, all from very little. And what a wonderful thought that is.
I didn’t write this for you, to you. I don’t even know why or who for, guess this is just my outlet and I wanted to remember today. A lot of people just see me as someone quite comedic or sarcastic...I just feel with you I can say what’s on my mind and at ease to say it. Whether you read it or not, I suppose I don’t mind the prospect of you being the audience.
Guess what’s important is since I met you I feel compelled to write again. And surely that can’t be a bad thing?
I hope you still do.
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dont worry the tooth isnt lost
Its easier for me to deal with all this, if that person you created me as, was true,
so i think what you thought, say what you said and im doing all you said id do.
If that justifies an ending, guess ive got nothing left to lose
ive been hungover for a month now and im fucking anything that moves.
And in the middle of all this.
I met somebody.
Maybe you wasn’t so wrong afterall. Maybe you sensed it. You always said I’d fall for a another, another who was ‘better’. That was your fear. I told you that nobody would ever be ‘better’ than you and it was impossible. Now I wonder what you meant as better and maybe you were right. Is better encouraging somebody to be themselves? Is better finding joy in the person somebody is? Is better encouraging somebody to excert all you told me hide? The parts of me you had me push down, hide and bury? Is better setting a fucking fire inside of someone and making them feel like oxygen is heroin? Is better throwing a tornado to somebodys feet and inhaling exhilerance that surrounds a conversation?Is better the brush of a hand smashing through every single cell that exists in somebody and knocking them to the floor? Is better meeting someone who just instantly makes you want to settle down, enjoy a quiet life that as long as they are in, is filled with more laughter and happiness than any country, city or repeititve night out? A life where even washing dishes with them is an adventure in itself. Maybe I did meet somebody better. But I have as much chance of her being mine as I did of ever gaining your trust.
So much time has passed that her face is a blur. Every thought is an idea of her. Thoughts are hazy. We barely speak but I connect her name with nothing but perfection. The things she said, the way we laughed. It is turning into white noise and a hot and cold confusion of desire or fate. Let down or wonder. A force so strong, part of a story that isnt over...or a force so strong it was simply the chapter that helped me forget you. Am I simply maximising her by a thousand to justify any reasoning for your exit and creating somebody so great, you being gone isn’t so bad? Or is that how great she actually is?
I can’t remember.
Cant decide.
Does it even matter?
What did we even speak about, what did we laugh about. The memory of our substance and our best days has faded. And all I have is a mind that doesn’t recall details, but tells me it was perfection with her.
Her.
I don’t know if this perfect idea I have of her is real or a creation I have evolved to blur my reality. If she is so perfect, then you were so wrong. But if she is so perfect why is this impossible? Why am here when she cries and why is she there when I do? Is she somebody I have made and emphasised, a daydream I constructed to take my mind off crisis? Do I ever want to see her again and distort this literal idea of perfection that soothes me. Every single day. Comforts me and makes me remember how good it can feel to be alive. Or, is she perfect. Perfect temporary diversion or perfect for me? Even though memories fade, words no longer spoken, laughter no longer shared. My brain tells me. Reminds me. Every second with her was perfect. I did meet somebody better.
I used to be able to close my eyes, build your face in the dark,
Every bone, every freckle, every line and every mark.
I suppose it’s like you died, but why don’t I feel sad?
Guess I come acustomed to just enjoying the time we had.
Another time, another place...
or a pile of lies and a fucking waste.
New morning, new headache, another girl lies in my bed,
better than lying and analyzing, the past and what you said.
A boring act of NOTHING, simply passes my time
black out all these wonderings, convince the world im doing fine.
Gain no physical joy, guess its just something for me to do,
actually the best sex i had lately, was when i thought of you
These actions are redundant, I fake pleasure just to be,
trade it all for that bangkok table and your leg against my knee
A violent swirl in my stomach, thighs are shaking, I cant breathe
And its just another tale, where the girl in question has to leave
Fight for what you want or let existence dictate your ways?
everybody wants the easy option. talks the talk but never stays.
finding contentment in romantisicm, did I craft our story myself?
Just a diversion of my thoughts and another story for my shelf?
Manifesting all your perfection, just a vision in my head?
or do I dream of Sundays, waking entangled in your bed
Don’t risk time together, look back fondly at our days,
A drunken March exchange and a perfect month of haze.
Sometimes all I want is to just know what you are thinking.
Or are you my finest battle, stop at nothing, make you mine
bad luck
heads fucked.
just learn where to draw the line.
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when a random lad from sheffield stole the words right out of my mouth.
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rats in hats
.one day some years before the marital bliss, Jemima came to visit Ellie Sue in her home town of the fine city of Manchester. Ellie Sue was so excited she even combed her hair. Jemima decided to get the train so Ellie Sue waited at the station for her and when she arrived at the platform Ellie Sue said ‘hello’ and Jemima said ‘hello’ too.
Ellie Sue was a real cool girl, tooting round the streets in Manchester, she was complemented by the fine beauty on her arm. Jemima was like a good looking sparrow, perched on Ellie-Sue’s shoulder. Walking around they smiled and Jemimas geek teeth broobed out. That is a word Ellie Sue just made up to describe geek teeth overspilling with smiles so much. As Ellie Sue typed that explanation she thought about the geek teeth, laced with a splodge of calcium deficiency. Then she replayed the time Jemima said lets go put your camera in your room and the two kissed and Ellie Sue was so close to Jemima’s face and wanted to die because she was convinced she was in love and had never had such an intense physical attraction to anybody in her whole life and kissing her made her want to die and if one day she got to just kiss her and it be normal, Ellie Sue would never take it for granted and die every time and probably sometimes, definitely, Ellie Sue would say shall we have kiss day and it is where Ellie Sue and Jemima just kiss for a day. Sometimes do different kisses like its in a film, like, okay first kiss ...ACTION
Anyway, Ellie Sue doth digress
Anyway, where was Ellie Sue. Ellie Sue and Jemima are tooting around looking great. Then Ellie Sue said, okay you must be hungry, I have this great food thing that I know you will like. Then Jemima said, yes but hello, I have to watch the rugby and I was like okay my lesbionic boyfriend, don’t worry, we will eat fast and go to the pub that smells of beef paste so you can watch your games on the TV, maybe you can drink some boddingtons or sweaty bitter to go with your rugby Jemima.
Anyway, Ellie Sue took Jemima here:
Not because it is dark, moody and like a European beer haus - but because she wanted Jemima to really enjoy her dinner and this is the menu selection Ellie Sue thinks Jemima would like
Jemima ate it all and she had cheese hanging off her neck and her earlobes and Ellie Sue said, the way you inhaled that cheese, you do not deserve those perfectly created legs that have genuinely been sent from the patron saint of legs from a planet called perfect leg world, where the most stunning, defined, slim, toned stunning legs, with perfect knee caps just knock about. Jemima said oh fuck off Ellie Sue you fat cow.
Anyway, they went to look for a pub to watch the rugby as Jemima is the boss of everything. Anyway Jemima taught Ellie-Sue about rugby and she said which one is the quarterback please and what time do they score the touch down x
Anyway Ellie Sue knew all about the rugby now which was good as then she could bets on and win money and they always won money because Jemima was clever. Ellie also liked rugby time as Jemima would watch it with her head on Ellie Sue’s shoulder and her hair smelt like coconuts in summer meadows and the smell was nearly as strong as the contentment in the air. They enjoyed a glass of wine and then went to the big park to watch A Star is Born and Ellie Sue was so happy because she has a video on her phone of Jemima doing her hair and that song is playing. At that time, Ellie Sue was so happy and excited and felt every single positive emotion that was humanly possible. For the movie, Ellie Sue was sat with her legs out and Jemima was sat in between them, with her back lay against Ellie Sues front and when the song came on Ellie couldn’t handle the reality of her joy and happiness so she killed herself and died.
Oh she came back to life.
Anyway. The next day, the girls got up early and Jemima borrowed Joey Trotponson’s bike. He is Ellie Sue’s brother. The two cycled to a cute nearby town with lots of great cycle routes and this
They kept falling off their bikes though because they were laughing at everything and couldn’t stop. After a long day of biking and laughing, the pair went back to Ellie Sue’s house and Ellie had kept her promise and made Jemima a blanket den with fairy lights, lots of cushions. Ellie also created the cheese board she also promised and they enjoyed one glass of wine and watched True Romance. As Ellie had already seen the movie, she went down on Jemima nine times during the film and Jemima played with Ellie Sue’s hair as they fell asleep, ready for the big day tomorrow.
Ellie Sue was very happy because whilst she was on her holidays, one of her best friends and her favourite brother had fallen in love. This was a great combination and created a very nice fun time. Joey and Suzie were also very funny and Jemima was the funniest lady in the world so it was a real nice time that they were all going to Knutsford to enjoy summer beer garden pints. Jemima and Ellie Sue spent £9405 on beer because they were laughing so much they kept spitting all their beer out everywhere and it was all gone and they had to keep buying more. Then they went to watch Bohemian Rhapsody here
and everybody sang MAMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAA OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and Ellie Sue was two of her favourite people and she couldn’t cope and this time she had a heart attack and actually died.
Her dying wish was that she got paid by her boss for writing blogs about Jemima and Ellie Sue.
FFS
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and one day, Ellie Sue decided that wherever life led her, however many achievements were enjoyed and whichever paths were walked, countries visited, experiences had... her existence would feel wasted and unfilfilled if she never, even if it was in 30 or 50 years time, for the sake of the famous March 2019 Thailand tornado, got to fuck Jemima to this song.........
in complete consciousness.
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Ellie Sue and Jemima.
Ellie Sue and Jemima woke up from a very nice sleep. The previous night Ellie Sue and Jemima had tried to watch a movie in bed however most parts of the dialogue would remind Jemima of some theory and she wouldn’t stop butting in and they ended up just talking really. Then having sex. And talking. Then having sex. Hopefully two other ladies will enjoy the movie though or maybe Jemima and Ellie Sue can another day.
Upon waking and because Jemima was kind, she made Ellie Sue a coffee because she knows that Ellie Sue can’t function without coffee time in bed of a morning. The coffee was nice coffee, from a nice machine and in a Taylor Swift cup. Ellie Sue liked to start her day by looking at very beautiful things so Jemima would sit on top of Ellie Sue during coffee time and admire her fantastic looking face and some other things depending on the amount of clothing that Jemima was wearing. Because some days Ellie Sue really like to look at two very fantastic amazing things and Jemima was kind so let her. Then they had sex.
The two nice girls went to brush their teeth but Ellie Sue had to hold Jemima’s hand on the way to the bathroom because she liked to remember this was real life and had problems not touching Jemima for 4 seconds. This stemmed back to some prior issues where Ellie Sue was unable to touch Jemima whenever she wanted so sometimes she was very annoying, reveling in her new freedom of putting her hand on Jemimas face or very arms whenever she wanted to. Jemima didn’t really mind because they were both very fond of eachother and would often walk around the towns with little pulsating clitorises due to mutual attraction and joy. Anyway, Jemima became cross at the way Ellie Sue spat her toothpaste in the sink and left her jeans behind the door. Ellie Sue said, look Jemima I don’t like the way there is always bits of cheese in the bed and in your hair. I don’t like the way there are bits on crusty stubborn melted cheese on the pots you were meant to clean because of my allergies. Ellie Sue and Jemima began to argue and it wasn’t nice because toothpaste was spitting everywhere and a little bit was on Ellie Sues eyebrow when she was shouting and it made her look stupid. Jemima said, look Ellie Sue I think maybe it would be better if we just got a cleaner. Stop this racket. Enjoy the fact it is Saturday morning and we should call in sick on Monday and go to Europe today.
Ellie Sue said that is a great idea Jemima lets get some Ryanair flights for pittance and be on our way. They had to have sex again because Jemima didn’t like to argue without some sex afterwards to regenerate her vagina and heart.
Bags packed in four minutes because they didn’t want for much when in eachothers company, the pair headed to Gdansk in Poland because it was the cheapest flight and inner-city beer prices. Many people gave Ellie Sue and Jemima bad looks at the airport because Ellie Sue canoodled Jemima on the escalator, Ellie Sue wasnt upset, well she was, mainly because she said canoodled. But Ellie Sue had a genuine disorder where she could not touch or kiss her suay girlfriend Jemima for long periods of time. So. That was that.
The two girls enjoyed a pint of delicious beer at the airport. They also played a game called ‘strange solo traveler’ where Jemima and Ellie Sue would approach the bar table the other was sitting and be a different character looking to make friends at the airport. Then they had sex again because of the disorder.
The two nice girls boarded the plane and not many people wanted to go to Gdansk because there is little to do but Ellie Sue and Jemima could stand on a grid for 17 hours in Gdansk and have a time similiar to Christmas morning when you are 4. This gave Ellie Sue and Jemima a large row to themselves. When the air hostess came round with her little trolley, Ellie Sue was real polite as she harbourned no bad feelings to cabin crew and she was so in love, she had no negativity left in her soul, only regarding snakes, racism and the holocaust.
The pair ordered some of Ryanairs finest warm lager and spent the duration of the flight spitting it in eachothers mouths, kissing and playing ‘Strange lady on the plane trying to make friends’
Upon arrival in Gdansk, the two sweet girls checked into their room and because the disorder that had reached hideous levels on the plane, they had sex immediately. Jemima was very understanding of Ellie Sue’s disorder and knew she couldn’t help it. She would help where she could and cooperate with the treatment greatly. She realised that sadly, it was in fact her fault for being so ridiculosuly fucking beautiful and fucking fit and gorgeous and so fucking sexy omfg. fucks sake. They spent the remainder of their weekend walking around, crying with laughter, spitting beer out at eachother for three days straight, falling asleep hugging, going to lesser-known concentration camps, bike riding, doing karaoke, talking, singing, playing games, playing with eachothers hair, eating nice food, simply sitting in a bar for 19 hours, debating, discussing, laughing, falling, playing drinking nice wine and falling more in love.
Ellie and Jemima were not sad to go home because every day, no matter where they were was fun anyway. Gdansk, Manchester, Odiham, Yugoslavia, Bratslavia, Phuket, Newcastle, Glasgow, Paris, Portugal...anywhere.
When they got home, the cleaner had been, the toothpaste and cheese crust was gone and life was perfect again.
So they had sex. Whilst drinking Prosecco x
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The Mandela Effect
“Inspired by the Mandela effect and the Berenstein Bears conspiracy, this dives deep into alternate/parallel universes.The Mandela Effect, also known as false memory, has many conspiracies under its spectrum -- some of the most popular being: Jif or Jiffy peanut butter, Forrest Gump’s box of chocolate quote, and most relevant, The Berenstein Bears correct spelling. The idea behind the concept is that collective false memories, like The Berenstein Bears actually being spelled Berenstain, actually exist, just in a parallel/alternate universe.So, inspired by the ideal of alternate universes, this song tells of an parallel universe where things might have been different, you might have been together...”
https://open.spotify.com/track/0VXI7SOcGQQ1SLjyJaaIEa
Wait for me, wait for me there I'll die if you die, wait for me I swear Wait for me I'm still somewhere You're getting older and I'm getting scared Wait for me, wait for me there I'll die if you die, wait for me I swear Wait for me I'm still somewhere You're getting older without me, I'm scared
At another place in time You were infinitely mine Relatively alright When Berenstein was fine At another place in time Only parallel to mine The universe was alright When Berenstein was fine
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South of the border, west of the sun.
i was unable to sleep last night. ran out of books. genius here thought reading through instagram messages would be a good idea.
what an absolutely fond collection of memories, excitement, desire and well, happiness. What a beautiful transition in my life.
seems like a different time, different people now. But proud of the way we handled such an overpowering situation with selflessness. okay not at all times. But I feel a lot of mature behaviours were exhibited. And I enjoyed every minute of it
I will never forget that time. Whatever the reason for it was. But I will never, ever forget the ability of finding such joy in a person. Such excitement, giddyness and physical attraction. Where a thumb against a hand could make my knees give way.
What a lovely way to take me out of such an emotional pit and end my time in this stunning country.
I will be staying where we met for two days in two weeks and I will visit that cafe we spent monday morning and take a polaroid for myself and remember it as the most content I had felt in months. Drinking instant coffee with powdered whitener, a ghastly sight of a bucket margarine growing bacteria, somebody casually sawing a fucking shell-ridden curtain, a headache piercing through my head, the overhanging doom of work but still. I had never felt happier or more excited. I will look at the photo anytime I consider settling for anything less emotionally exciting, or feeling less important. If I can’t spend four hours on the phone to someone, genuinely captivated by everything they have to say, what’s the point. If someone can’t make me feel as great as you did then it will no longer be worth my time.
Starting to countdown to a new chapter now and I want to thank you for all the small elements of happiness you brought me, the heartache you eased, the worth you made me see in myself and the whirlwind you positively brought to my life. Such a short time that went so fast, but one ofthe fondest and craziest phases of my life. Two absolute lost, confused freaks trying to be sensible.
My favourite author, Haruki Murakami, he is ridiculously talented and sickening with words. But alot of his books have an underlying feeling of rememberance of ‘the one that got away’ - so many of his characters are people going about daily life but never forgetting this one girl it just never worked with. For reasons beyond their control. They marry, they work, build lives. But on Sunday afternoons, out for a walk in the park, listening to records. They always wonder about that person. I do often think though...at chance meetings like this, where it goes so fast. It feels so perfect because there wasn’t enough time to encounter the bad in that person and memories of only their best remain.
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.”
“I was always attracted not by some quantifiable, external beauty, but by something deep down, something absolute. Just as some people have a secret love for rainstorms, earthquakes, or blackouts, I liked that certain undefinable something directed my way by members of the opposite sex. For want of a better word, call it magnetism. Like it or not, it’s a kind of power that snares people and reels them in.”
“The feel of her hand has never left me. It was different from any other hand I'd ever held, different from any touch I've ever known. Yet those five fingers and that palm were like a display case crammed full of everything I wanted to know--and everything I had to know. By taking my hand, she showed me what these things were. That within the real world, a place like this existed. In the space of those ten seconds I became a tiny bird, fluttering into the air, the wind rushing by. From high in the sky I could see a scene far away. It was so far off I couldn't make it out clearly, yet something was there, and I knew that someday I would travel to that place.”
“For a long time, she held a special place in my heart. I kept this special place just for her, like a "Reserved" sign on a quiet corner table in a restaurant. Despite the fact that I was sure I'd never see her again.”
“Look at the rain long enough, with no thoughts in your head, and you gradually feel your body falling loose, shaking free of the world of reality. Rain has the power to hypnotize. I didn't feel like I was in my own body; my body was just a lonely, temporary container I happened to be borrowing. ”
“ We were, the two of us, still fragmentary beings, just beginning to sense the presence of an unexpected, to be-aquired reality that would fill us and make us whole. I would never see her again, except in memory. She was here, and now she's gone. There is no middle ground. Things that have form will all disappear. But certain feelings stay with us forever. Once she was out of the car and gone, my world was suddenly hollow and meaningless Probably is a word that you may find south of the border. But never, ever west of the sun.”
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As wrong as it was, I enjoyed every single second of it. And I will never,ever forget you.
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Relativity
I wish I was looking out at you, sat on that chair. Doing that smile I adore, where your eyes go tired and those brackets on your face appear. Wish we could just talk all night and I could spend the remainder of my time in this wonderful country with you.
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.” ― Albert Einstein
I know that if you opened up to me and told me everything about you, I’d look at my watch and realise hours had passed before us. I know I’d be so enthralled, interested and captivated in everything you had to say that time would just totally escape us.
I hate how fast Phuket went and how little time I got to spend with you. I’d sometimes feel that I’d be with you all day, every day if I could. Never getting bored. With the most boring activity feeling like the best day of my life. Going to Tesco for milk. A car ride. A sunday walk. Checking in for a flight. Watching you open a birthday card. Watching coronation street. Choosing what take away to have. Anything and everything.
Contentment. Excitement.
Being in your company made me feel like I didn’t need anything else. I don’t need to be doing anything, buying anything, seeing anything. I didn’t need any external factors to contribute elements of happiness. It was a constant rush of genuine contentment, excitement and joy. To source such general happiness in just the company of another person, I have come to realise, is absolutely beautiful. And something I didn’t even realise I was looking for. Now I wouldn’t settle for anything less. Just you, being you, me being me, two personalities aligned. Such a warm and simplistic joy.
Used to think Id find it by travelling, ticking off countries, buying a new car or ten thousand items of clothing I’d wear once. But to effortlessly find such a genuine rush of pure peace and contentment, from a person, being themselves? What an incrediblly beautiful notion. How wonderfully refreshing, to gain such inner happiness, simply from nothing, but the soul of another?
If I was with you, I would feel like I was on a constant adventure. I wouldn’t need grand things, incredible sights. Remembering how I felt in Phuket, I felt I could be anywhere with you and I’d feel accomplished and excited. The thought of adding experience onto that, is overwhelming. Everything would be fun with you. Even the worst feels like it would be bearable. I hope everybody in the world, building lives together have that feeling. With the removal of everything and anything, circumstance, wealth and looks. The bones of the relationship, strong and unconfused. Finding utter happiness in the company of another.
I guess what makes me sad is the awareness that memories fade. Our time together heads further into the past every day. Feelings from that time are overtaken by the pains and the joys of the present. And I suppose eventually, so much time passes, it is merely a distant memory, faded into obscurity.
I just hope I never forget how life felt when I was with you. And the possibilities of pure fulfilment that you proved existed.
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บาป
I sometimes try to remember how things were before you. Often feels like empty space and a void that I didn’t even notice was there. How is that even possible? Even the suggestion of your absence now transforms me into instant panic. A panic that overtakes every single fiber of my being, a sense of such overwhelming loss and devastation that I wonder what could possibly have filled my mind before you came along. What trivial, empty and uninspired thoughts were keeping my brain afloat before the tidal wave of you? All from nowhere. The invasion of you, and everything you are. The occupation of me, and everything I was.
You. A stranger. I’ve known cashiers at the local shop longer than I have known you. But they don’t have hair that falls like that. Who even has hair that falls like that? Effortless and perfect. Sunkissed and soft. It falls and just sits so contently upon your body. Modestly covering a head, that houses a skull. Housing a mind that shelters the most unique and beautiful thoughts in the world. A mind that fascinates and alleviates...deliberates yet devastates. A mind that could occupy me forever and always, into eterntiy and even beyond. A mind that will forever be my weakness.
A place that transports optic nerves and electrical impulses to bring sight to those eyes. Those eyes that I have failed to look into for a significant amount of time. Sometimes you just can’t, you can’t risk falling in. Two nebulas, circulating and changing through the most beautiful shades of grey, blue and green. Sockets that house interstellar gateways, and entrances that are as equal in visible wonder, to everything that you are. And everything that you are meant to be.
Those eyes that overlook an imperfect nose. Imperfect to her, imperfect to him, imperfect to those and imperfect to them. Eyes that overlook tales of passion and pleasure, a nose that simply couldn’t be more perfect to me. A respiratory station, as broken as my elation, when I begin to contemplate my days now without you.
It overlooks those lips. Those lips that consume my dreams each night.
Perfectly placed...
...freckle laced.
A mouth, often surrounded by lines, emerging whenever I am lucky enough to inflict laughter. Like perfectly framed brackets, surrounding that mouth. C shaped trophies, revealed and dealt, the second I bring her joy.
A mouth I’d spend my life attached to, if only given the chance. Joined and combined, connected and aligned. My tongue once brushed upon the mouth that houses that voice. That voice. A voice that gives birth to those thoughts.
Those. fucking. thoughts.
And still, that voice. A sound that brings me the same comfort and emotion as a favourite album, or the sound of a car, finally arriving home after a night of grief stricken panic. Fearing the worst. A fear that resembles my own, when I contemplate the removal of your presence in my life. Your beautiful presence that has elevated all that I am and brought the simplest form of happiness to the dullest of days. You will never understand what you did.
Carried by a body that won’t leave my mind. A perfected structure and collection of cells that I can only dream of one day, lying next to. Lying still, as electrical pulses that have fed this connection from day one, circulate around me. Your presence, as strong as a direct fist to the face or those perfect arms that hang from either side of your perfect body. Existence. Real, physical existence. Towering over me and proving there’s a life to be lived. Fire to endure. An addiction to enjoy. Everything I thought I was and all that I thought existed. A belief, acceptance and a settlement for the mundane. Gone. Evaporated. Since You. A feeling as warm as your body, that day when you told me goodbye, as your hips protruded mine in the hallway. To some a mild embrace, but to me a static revelation. Complete and pure, physical captivation. Your arm on my shoulder, sending shocks throughout my whole body as your skin is finally against mine.
This is the euphoric nirvana they warned me about.
An unexplained desire for sweat and saliva and an overtaking hunger, depriving my mind and body of any perception of right and wrong. To taste your skin and feel your hair against my bare shoulder. My palms pressed upon that back and a mouth that knows no bounds.
Forehead to forehead. Retinas reflected. Nails in skin. Morals rejected. Hands interlocked. Limbs intertwined. The shaking of my legs. Longing redefined.
The quivering of your mouth...
...a set of teeth are heading south.
Your imprint on my sheets.
A desire barely halved.
Knee over knee. my back now cradled by your calves.
Hold down my chest.
as we worsen this mess.
lay together, in this bed of perfect sin.
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