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bella amarylis
at the best of times, i'm lonely in my mind.
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never on here but i decided i need a place to rant where i dont have to worry about many people seeing it.
admittedly, this year has been one of, if not the worst year of my life.
so much pain, anger, tears, questions.
i lost the love of my life in may. not fully, but she doesn’t know what she wants or needs anymore and it hurts because i thought we would end up living forever together. i know i should just leave it alone completely and try to move on, but it’s so much harder than that. i have given so many chances, more than i can give, and as much as i dont believe in new years resolutions for myself, i have to be strong for myself and decide that this is the last chance. i have about a week until i see if it’s worth it or not. i’m hoping because it sounds genuine, but then again, so many times before did too... i wish my heart didnt feel like this anymore. i just want to be loved really hard by someone who will love me really hard. if that’s her, awesome, if not, i’ll learn to find it in someone else if they happen to come along. no matter how hard it is. more importantly, i need to keep up with the love i have for myself.
it’s not much, but i have honestly been working so hard on myself and loving myself. i haven’t really had a choice, i’ve been alone with myself for far too long it’d be impossible not to love what i have done for myself. i’m thankful for that, especially because for so long i’ve been told that i’m “too emotional”, “too sad”, “too hard” on myself. i’m doing this mostly for myself, but also i know myself too well to know that i’m also doing this to prove everyone wrong.
manifestation is a beautiful thing. the universe and i have become good friends, same with the moon and the stars. i live alone now, so whenever i’m feeling alone or upset, i bundle up and go outside to sit behind the bushes and talk. (it helps to smoke while i’m out there too)
i’m thankful for my cat, jinx. he’s my best friend and only roommate. he’s the sweetest boy i could ever ask for... i can’t even begin to count the times i’ve cuddled closely with him while sobbing and have to brush the tears out of his fur. he loves me so much, and i love him so much. i would genuinely take a bullet for this cat.
despite everything, i have 3 close friends now. well, they’re really my only friends. i have no idea where i would be right now if i didnt have them this year. i don’t think i could’ve made it this year without them. thing is - i don’t even think they know it.
the gold lock, given to me by C, with her matching set of keys. the pink hair dye on my arms from r’s hair and tattoos we’ve done together now with r+l. the sleepless nights and ****-induced daydreams and a target parking lot in a city 2 hours from home in the very early morning. so much more can be said, but i know that these are the friendships i have been waiting for my entire life.
i went to the u.a.e. to live with my dad for about a month (following quarantine and guidelines of course, wouldnt have traveled if my life didnt depend on it) and it was a wonderful reset, but coming back to this town always makes me feel like someone is stacking concrete blocks on my head, one by one, until i either get crushed by this place beyond repair, or until i’m trapped in the cement beneath my feet and forced to stay here. i don’t want to, and i’m making it my ultimate goal to get the absolute fuck out of here as soon as possible, as soon as i’m ready.
recently i’ve started asking myself 3 questions everyday and i plan to stick with it to see if it really helps.
• “what did you do today for yourself?”
• “what did you do today for others?”
• “what did you do to make the world a better place today?”
i try to make sure i can answer all 3, and if I can’t, i’ll try to make it happen before i go to sleep.
on a more triggering note, if for whatever reason anyone is reading this shitshow of a rant, tw!!!
i’ve dropped so much weight this year, due to multiple things, but thankfully not due to an ed (anymore). not intentionally at least? i’m convinced there’s something wrong with my body, but tests and bloodwork and things have shown nothing much so far. it’s making me angry at this point, because i’m sick of everyone asking me if i’m st*rving myself, if i’m eating, blah blah blah. yes, i’m fucking eating when i can or when i actually have an appetite. what do yall not understand? if i eat when i dont have an appetite i will make myself so fucking sick. my body is rejecting anything i eat when i’m not hungry. there’s nothing i can do about it which is why i’m asking for help and cant seem to get it.
~ tw ends ~
on another note, i need to go to my therapist and/or psychiatrist asap. i’ve been told already things that i should be diagnosed with and yet no one listens long enough to help me treat things other than my panic disorder and depression. i get that they’re bad and i’m glad i have things for it, but what about everything else??? i’m suffering trying to navigate things without any guidance or help, and no one gives a single shit. it’s fucking sad.
i just want to be happy and loved again.
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Neon Hunting
Check out my other work here: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmdg6NiA4hV/?taken-by=steveroe_
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Hong Kong
Bonus Picture: https://www.instagram.com/p/Bl8T_e3gE8f/?taken-by=steveroe_
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It’s important to remember Pride month being about two things:
1. First and foremost, Pride is meant to commemorate the Stonewall Riots of June 1969, where our queer and trans ancestors of color fought against police brutality and queerphobia.
2. Love. That’s it. Just love. Love of any kind. Love between any people. Love, romantic or platonic. Love of yourself.
Love is love is love.
Happy end of Pride, everyone!!!
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