diffsom-blog

[diffsom-blog]

it’s real for us → a collection of my instagram pictures from the wizarding world of harry potter

[diffsom-blog]

focus on studies and continue self -improvement, these plans were thrown out of the window the moment that first game of our college volleyball team started. i was bewitched, i've always had a thing for athletes especially the really great ones and this time someone bagged my heart. he wasn't as tall as i imagine my ideal would be, fair complexion, great abilities in terms of volleyball (a spiker) and a handsome face of an angel. i kept quiet and didn't mention anything to my friends because oh no this is my senior year in college and having a crush is not part of the plan but hey his smiles are beautiful and i just can't resist that. so okay i admit i have a crush, on him, but the thing is he's gay. and i'm a girl. definitely won't work but that doesn't stop me from admiring him. saw him play twice and i need not more to say i'm truly enchanted. and additional to those lovely characteristics, he's nice, actually very nice. as mentioned before i need to focus on my studies because i have a load of requirements to finish and i need food not feelings. the problem now is how do i get rid of this budding affection??? like come on i can't seriously be distracted i'm on my last year of college yet everywhere i go, somehow he finds his way back to my mind and i get lost until i drown myself with the thoughts of him. very unhealthy, indeed. 160916 12 am thoughts

[diffsom-blog]

day2. i did something horrible again. i feel worthless. i took a lot of break from studying today, gotta get back soon with full time revision.

[diffsom-blog]

the queen said quite a lot of awful things about me, doesn't she have any idea that it tears me apart everytime she yells at me? i mean, i'm pretty sure my older sisters have had their fair share of struggles and dilemmas too but why do i feel like she hates me the most? it seems so that among the three i am the worst daughter, that i am a failure and compared to them i'm the most miserable. i only want to hear her motivate me, that i'm doing great, that she will support me even if i fail or make a mistake, i only want my mom to tell me that i, no matter how weird or different i am, she will still accept me because i am her child. she swears a lot whenever she would scold me. i don't know.

[diffsom-blog]

i feel so broken that i no longer know why i'm upset. sometimes i tell myself, maybe i'm just too sensitive, maybe i'm just easily hurt, maybe i'm too depressed. i try so hard. i make sure that no time is wasted, i read, i study, i watch, i keep myself busy, but at some point i get burnt, i get tired. and then i get sad for an unknown reason. i don't want to be that miserable depressed teenager who cries at the slightest touch of pain, i want to be stronger, braver, smarter and kinder. people see me as a responsible student, polite, nice, studious, funny because little did they know how broken i am, how deep inside i just want to disappear, how i wish the earth would swallow me, or someone would accidentally pull the trigger of a gun aiming at me. gosh, i mastered the art of faking everything, the smiles and the "of course i'm okay". yes, i do fake some of it, but do people understand how painful it is thay yes i have everyone around me, my family and my friends, but do they know the craziest part? they dont. they dont know how sad i feel because they mever bothered to ask me. ah, or maybe it's my fault for lying that i'm okay. yeah, that's it. my fault.

[diffsom-blog]

day1. I was able to tick off everything from my to do list today, i'm tired, brain burnt, hands shaking a bit, and hungry (i always am). But why does it still feel incomplete? Like i'm missing something. What. Is. It?