digifae

[digifae]

After a week and a half of leaving of finally leaving rpc I feel so free now. No hiatuses or breaks, just straight up leaving it.

I just want vent out how I felt during my time of the last 3 years of doing it. It wasn’t fun anymore, it felt like a 9 to 5 job I wasn’t even getting paid for. 

Constantly I would rest due to pain of being in a office chair all the time, I have fibromyalgia, knee issues and my bones age faster than they’re supposed to since I was a kid. I’m constantly taking pain pills and sleeping. In addition, I had anxiety and depression issues that I haven’t been treated for since my mom passed away which they just grew worsing after to her passing. But I constantly would put my own health aside, I don’t know why I did. Why did I put myself through that just to be miserable?

I had no spirit for it for years, yet I kept carrying on with it. I feel like somewhere in me deluded myself into believing if I kept doing it, I would enjoy it again. Go back to a time where I felt like a full person again. But I never did and knew I never would if I kept going like this. I realized how much I use to do that I simply stopped doing. I use to watch shows more often, but stopped doing it unless I was with my boyfriend. Because I feel like I couldn’t do it unless I was with someone like my mom. Certain foods I just stopped eating even if they were my favorite dishes, because it reminded me of my mother. I stopped going to the other half of the house less and less unless I needed to talk to my dad. My life was became bleaker and bleaker, and finally I decided it couldn’t keep going like this.

When I told my boyfriend, I stopped role playing for good. He didn’t seem surprised. He told me, he was wondering when I’m gonna get tired of it. It wasn’t in a condescending way though. He said that he could just tell I didn’t enjoy it by the way I talked about it, but figured it had to be a reason why I kept going so never wanted to force me to stop himself. He was worried about my stress with it for a long time.

My role playing was becoming more empty as well. I constantly went on hiatuses, my quality became worst, I would take so long with replies because I simply didn’t want to be online, then I would put them my queue and just rush em out like a UPS worker. I would do certain ones before others, but some felt easier to do and I wanted to look like I was actually doing something on my blog. Like a worker that just playing solitaire and then last minute reports so their boss don’t find it. I kept remaking my blogs as if that would magically make everything better.

But now, for a long time I feel alive again. Not with my boyfriend or someone with me to make me feel happy. Me making myself feel that way.

[digifae]

Update

I don’t know if people are going to take this as a good or bad thing, but I realized after crying 3 times before finally going to sleep that leaving the Tumblr role playing scene is the best for me. Even now my throat still hurts. I don’t think I’m emotionally or mentally ready to actually view this as a hobby. Honestly, I don’t think I ever genuinely enjoyed myself here for a good 3 years. It feels like a obligation now, something I keep doing despite the more I do the more it will crumble.

And I think I realized why. As a person in general, I feel empty and for a long time I been trying to recapture a time where I wasn’t. Since my mom passed away I felt lifeless, I’m the only person in my life that never went forward since then. My life feels as if it’s at a standstill with no direction, the only joy I have is my boyfriend but that isn’t right and if he knew that’s how I truly felt he wouldn’t think so too.

My mom been my inspiration, the one that gave me motivation whole life and without her my life just been spinning in a self destructive cycle.  I have no motivation of my own, no drive, no confidence I always depended for others to give that to me. I always want to do better and is honest about wanting to do it, but it happens for a brief moment then I’m back in the same place. I feel no commitment in my words.

Though I will not excuse this for how subpar of a writing partner I have been though, I should have simply left when I realize I had no spirit for this. Not drag others with me and lose valued writing partners as well. Yet I kept trying to force myself to and ended up falling apart due to it. I’m sure people who followed for longer noticed my lack of effort, I’ll be surprised if I even gave 5% and the only people that only followed me in recent years or now only know that 5%.

I’m always frustrated on here and feels like I’m always on rush hour. I give people in my opinion rushed, lifeless content and attempts to rush out. It turned into a chore and a tasking one at that. It was a time where I loved being here, but trying to force it back ain’t going to do anything but shatter it and I just learned that.

Role playing on here now, not even just now for the last years feels like I’m trying to go back to a time, where my mom was here so I can never accept the fact she’s gone. Avoiding how empty my life became, trapping myself in this unhappy state, and it’s not healthy. My mother wouldn’t want me like this, I don’t want me like this. 

Right now, I’m trying to enjoy my life and find some kind of meaning in it, which is something I attempting to do before she passed away. After that, I just let my life go by in hopes that something might magically fix it. But nothing won’t, except for me.

I’m sorry this became so much longer than I was anticipating, but in long story short I don’t know when I’m ever going to go back to role playing. Perhaps one day, but it’s not today or tomorrow and probably not next month or the one after either.

[digifae]

Update

I don’t know if people are going to take this as a good or bad thing, but I realized after crying 3 times before finally going to sleep that leaving the Tumblr role playing scene is the best for me. Even now my throat still hurts. I don’t think I’m emotionally or mentally ready to actually view this as a hobby. Honestly, I don’t think I ever genuinely enjoyed myself here for a good 3 years. It feels like a obligation now, something I keep doing despite the more I do the more it will crumble.

And I think I realized why. As a person in general, I feel empty and for a long time I been trying to recapture a time where I wasn’t. Since my mom passed away I felt lifeless, I’m the only person in my life that never went forward since then. My life feels as if it’s at a standstill with no direction, the only joy I have is my boyfriend but that isn’t right and if he knew that’s how I truly felt he wouldn’t think so too.

My mom been my inspiration, the one that gave me motivation whole life and without her my life just been spinning in a self destructive cycle.  I have no motivation of my own, no drive, no confidence I always depended for others to give that to me. I always want to do better and is honest about wanting to do it, but it happens for a brief moment then I’m back in the same place. I feel no commitment in my words.

Though I will not excuse this for how subpar of a writing partner I have been though, I should have simply left when I realize I had no spirit for this. Not drag others with me and lose valued writing partners as well. Yet I kept trying to force myself to and ended up falling apart due to it. I’m sure people who followed for longer noticed my lack of effort, I’ll be surprised if I even gave 5% and the only people that only followed me in recent years or now only know that 5%.

I’m always frustrated on here and feels like I’m always on rush hour. I give people in my opinion rushed, lifeless content and attempts to rush out. It turned into a chore and a tasking one at that. It was a time where I loved being here, but trying to force it back ain’t going to do anything but shatter it and I just learned that.

Role playing on here now, not even just now for the last years feels like I’m trying to go back to a time, where my mom was here so I can never accept the fact she’s gone. Avoiding how empty my life became, trapping myself in this unhappy state, and it’s not healthy. My mother wouldn’t want me like this, I don’t want me like this. 

Right now, I’m trying to enjoy my life and find some kind of meaning in it, which is something I attempting to do before she passed away. After that, I just let my life go by in hopes that something might magically fix it. But nothing won’t, except for me.

I’m sorry this became so much longer than I was anticipating, but in long story short I don’t know when I’m ever going to go back to role playing. Perhaps one day, but it’s not today or tomorrow and probably not next month or the one after either.

[digifae]

Update

I don’t know if people are going to take this as a good or bad thing, but I realized after crying 3 times before finally going to sleep that leaving the Tumblr role playing scene is the best for me. Even now my throat still hurts. I don’t think I’m emotionally or mentally ready to actually view this as a hobby. Honestly, I don’t think I ever genuinely enjoyed myself here for a good 3 years. It feels like a obligation now, something I keep doing despite the more I do the more it will crumble.

And I think I realized why. As a person in general, I feel empty and for a long time I been trying to recapture a time where I wasn’t. Since my mom passed away I felt lifeless, I’m the only person in my life that never went forward since then. My life feels as if it’s at a standstill with no direction, the only joy I have is my boyfriend but that isn’t right and if he knew that’s how I truly felt he wouldn’t think so too.

My mom been my inspiration, the one that gave me motivation whole life and without her my life just been spinning in a self destructive cycle.  I have no motivation of my own, no drive, no confidence I always depended for others to give that to me. I always want to do better and is honest about wanting to do it, but it happens for a brief moment then I’m back in the same place. I feel no commitment in my words.

Though I will not excuse this for how subpar of a writing partner I have been though, I should have simply left when I realize I had no spirit for this. Not drag others with me and lose valued writing partners as well. Yet I kept trying to force myself to and ended up falling apart due to it. I’m sure people who followed for longer noticed my lack of effort, I’ll be surprised if I even gave 5% and the only people that only followed me in recent years or now only know that 5%.

I’m always frustrated on here and feels like I’m always on rush hour. I give people in my opinion rushed, lifeless content and attempts to rush out. It turned into a chore and a tasking one at that. It was a time where I loved being here, but trying to force it back ain’t going to do anything but shatter it and I just learned that.

Role playing on here now, not even just now for the last years feels like I’m trying to go back to a time, where my mom was here so I can never accept the fact she’s gone. Avoiding how empty my life became, trapping myself in this unhappy state, and it’s not healthy. My mother wouldn’t want me like this, I don’t want me like this. 

Right now, I’m trying to enjoy my life and find some kind of meaning in it, which is something I attempting to do before she passed away. After that, I just let my life go by in hopes that something might magically fix it. But nothing won’t, except for me.

I’m sorry this became so much longer than I was anticipating, but in long story short I don’t know when I’m ever going to go back to role playing. Perhaps one day, but it’s not today or tomorrow and probably not next month or the one after either.

[digifae]

Update

I don’t know if people are going to take this as a good or bad thing, but I realized after crying 3 times before finally going to sleep that leaving the Tumblr role playing scene is the best for me. Even now my throat still hurts. I don’t think I’m emotionally or mentally ready to actually view this as a hobby. Honestly, I don’t think I ever genuinely enjoyed myself here for a good 3 years. It feels like a obligation now, something I keep doing despite the more I do the more it will crumble.

And I think I realized why. As a person in general, I feel empty and for a long time I been trying to recapture a time where I wasn’t. Since my mom passed away I felt lifeless, I’m the only person in my life that never went forward since then. My life feels as if it’s at a standstill with no direction, the only joy I have is my boyfriend but that isn’t right and if he knew that’s how I truly felt he wouldn’t think so too.

My mom been my inspiration, the one that gave me motivation whole life and without her my life just been spinning in a self destructive cycle.  I have no motivation of my own, no drive, no confidence I always depended for others to give that to me. I always want to do better and is honest about wanting to do it, but it happens for a brief moment then I’m back in the same place. I feel no commitment in my words.

Though I will not excuse this for how subpar of a writing partner I have been though, I should have simply left when I realize I had no spirit for this. Not drag others with me and lose valued writing partners as well. Yet I kept trying to force myself to and ended up falling apart due to it. I’m sure people who followed for longer noticed my lack of effort, I’ll be surprised if I even gave 5% and the only people that only followed me in recent years or now only know that 5%.

I’m always frustrated on here and feels like I’m always on rush hour. I give people in my opinion rushed, lifeless content and attempts to rush out. It turned into a chore and a tasking one at that. It was a time where I loved being here, but trying to force it back ain’t going to do anything but shatter it and I just learned that.

Role playing on here now, not even just now for the last years feels like I’m trying to go back to a time, where my mom was here so I can never accept the fact she’s gone. Avoiding how empty my life became, trapping myself in this unhappy state, and it’s not healthy. My mother wouldn’t want me like this, I don’t want me like this. 

Right now, I’m trying to enjoy my life and find some kind of meaning in it, which is something I attempting to do before she passed away. After that, I just let my life go by in hopes that something might magically fix it. But nothing won’t, except for me.

I’m sorry this became so much longer than I was anticipating, but in long story short I don’t know when I’m ever going to go back to role playing. Perhaps one day, but it’s not today or tomorrow and probably not next month or the one after either.

[digifae]

I’m Gone For Now

I’m just gonna leave role playing for a while. I don’t think I have the schedule to dedicate to it, don’t really feel connected, nor do even feel that happy doing it.

At this moment in time, I just don’t feel like a I can be a adequate writing partner for anyone. I tried, I failed. It feels like I only talk to certain people on here anyway, I prioritize myself into only talking to certain people. And in all honestly, some of it is for favoritism and the other half is for time. I go to the threads I don’t have think so hard for and do them, so I can just zip out.

Does this mean I’m leaving role playing? I don’t know, right now it don’t matter. But today was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I just realized that I feel drained and unsatisfied with my time here.

I just realized, trying to get my life on track and role playing isn’t molding together. Maybe I’ll come back, when I actually got myself together. But for now, it feel like I got a lot on my plate and this “hobby” is just becoming nothing but a chore. 

I just realize no matter how many times I remake a blog or do this or that, my role playing experience is not going to change unless I change as well. Just recently I almost felt myself cracking as a person. I been online at times I shouldn’t even have been, for this whole month I been simply thinking about my late mother despite it being nearly 3 years she died. I keep thinking about my future, do I even have one?

I been taking driving lessons in hopes to one day get a car, so I won’t be trapped here all day. I made a dA and art blog that I want to dedicate actual time to, I been spending time with my boyfriend as much. I been trying to do a lot of good things for myself, I even started walking and exercising because I want to dance again despite my health issues.

[digifae]

I’m Gone For Now

I’m just gonna leave role playing for a while. I don’t think I have the schedule to dedicate to it, don’t really feel connected, nor do even feel that happy doing it.

At this moment in time, I just don’t feel like a I can be a adequate writing partner for anyone. I tried, I failed. It feels like I only talk to certain people on here anyway, I prioritize myself into only talking to certain people. And in all honestly, some of it is for favoritism and the other half is for time. I go to the threads I don’t have think so hard for and do them, so I can just zip out.

Does this mean I’m leaving role playing? I don’t know, right now it don’t matter. But today was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I just realized that I feel drained and unsatisfied with my time here.

I just realized, trying to get my life on track and role playing isn’t molding together. Maybe I’ll come back, when I actually got myself together. But for now, it feel like I got a lot on my plate and this “hobby” is just becoming nothing but a chore. 

I just realize no matter how many times I remake a blog or do this or that, my role playing experience is not going to change unless I change as well. Just recently I almost felt myself cracking as a person. I been online at times I shouldn’t even have been, for this whole month I been simply thinking about my late mother despite it being nearly 3 years she died. I keep thinking about my future, do I even have one?

I been taking driving lessons in hopes to one day get a car, so I won’t be trapped here all day. I made a dA and art blog that I want to dedicate actual time to, I been spending time with my boyfriend as much. I been trying to do a lot of good things for myself, I even started walking and exercising because I want to dance again despite my health issues.

[digifae]

3 feet for the pup~

Send your character’s height and I’ll compare it to mine. [ Accepting! ] @silvxcs

Oh my god, I knew how much taller she was until I did this lol. Mika is teeeeeeeny tiiiiiny.

[digifae]

5'1 ~ kaori @ both boys -

Send your character’s height and I’ll compare it to mine. [ Accepting! ] @silvxcs

Marco’s the only one with even a bit of a height on him lol, Mogami barely is taller than Kaori! Both are short enough for perfect access for boop their foreheads.

[digifae]

    'Don’t touch me, please. I just want to relax in this field peacefully, thank you.’

[digifae]

Meet Conall

Connéll Of Aberdeen

18 years old though looks younger

A rabbit like Puca

Raised by death hounds

He’s intelligent and observant, very cautious with others. Straightforward and direct with how he presents himself, can be seen as quite aloof and harsh. Once known he’s actually pretty decent and more soft hearted than expected.

Like all most puca he’s highly dangerous if truly enraged, but despite his toughness is fairly calm.

Clairvoyant to the royal Aberdeen family, technically owned by them too.

Originally from the Otherworld, but frequents the mortal world for his own reasons.

Though available for romantic ships, he does have a canon love interest. A death hound nicknamed Nancy.

Can bestow good or bad on others as well as foresee others fortune, thus frequently given offerings to do so by people.

[digifae]

Kazuma (1.65m) and Pixel

Send your character’s height and I’ll compare it to mine. [ Accepting! ] @johnny-writes

I tried to convert into feet and round it to be 5′5 (I think that’s right anyway). 

[digifae]

Send your character's height and I'll compare it to mine.

Using this site

[digifae]

Who is Sherry’s fc if you don’t mind me asking? She looks so familiar but I can’t place it

I don’t mind at all! Her face claim is Ai Fa from the manga Isekai Ryouridou, hope I was helpful.

[digifae]

idea time!

I wanted to do a changeling AU with Mika!

Basically, it means he was left by his parents (or traded) purposely to be raised by someone not of his own kind. So instead of being raised in his forest with his actual family, he was ALWAYS in the care of whomever?

Would anyone be interested with being Mika’s adopted family? This will include a more familiar relationship with Mika, bypassing his shyness from first interactions.

I don’t know, I just want Mika to be adopted more I guess??

[digifae]

cont. from [ x ] / @scatteredhxpe

    The young prince raised one his thin eyebrows in confusion himself. Asked if that was a reference and he wasn’t even sure what a ‘Game of Thrones’ was even meant to be. He remember that was a saying his oldest brother would say at times when they was younger. When he felt discouraged, to remind him that his studies wasn’t for nothing.

  For the moment he thought about how to think of that question. His face scrunched and eyebrows narrowed together, alas he couldn’t anything he knew with that title. “I apologize, but no. Honestly, this is the first I heard such a title, Miss. I didn’t realize I was saying my thoughts out so loud, my apologizes...it’s a saying from my homeland.” This place simply had so much culture, the artwork, the book he couldn’t help himself.

   “...What exactly is this ‘Game of Thrones’? A play, perhaps a epic, or piece of literature?”

[digifae]

5! (always the most interesting question.)

Mun Confessions - multimuse style [ Accepting! ] @smirkingrevenge

5.  Which muse(s) do you relate to the most?

I know various of times on older multimuses I had I noted Zinnia before as a muse I relate a lot with at least when I was younger around her age range. Not per say “the most” but a lot, but now that Myesia is here now too. I will state both of them for that same reasoning.

I feel like both of them are kind of splits of me when I was in that 11-13 year old age range. I was super sensitive, shy and overprotected by my family like Zinnia is, while Myesia is also like me trying to be or cooler or something I don’t know because I was a kid and didn’t know being yourself was the coolest thing you can be. 

Both of them feel like they really represent that point of time of my tween years. With Zinnia being more like the open, softer part that I actually was and Myesia being the independent, wannabe tough side I wanted be.