digitaljournalby-sid

[digitaljournalby-sid]

I needed a vitamin B complex the other day, Dad. I knew you would have one if you were here, but I didn't try to look for one. It feels like I don't want to fill the void. You've been appearing in my dreams lately, and I wonder why. I saw your friends the other day too. I expected them to ask how I was, but maybe it would be too painful or sad to talk about you again.

But I wanted to talk about you and how you should be excited for your birthday. I don't have your videos anymore, my siblings deleted everything. All I have are memories of you smiling and happy. I miss you so much, and I hope you know that. I hope you're proud of me. I finished school and am on my way to fulfilling the promise we made. Your kid will be going places, I promise. I love you.

[digitaljournalby-sid]

I dreamed about you again, Dad. Naka-busangot ka while you were watching TV. I wonder why you keep coming to my dreams now. I wish I knew; I wish there's a way to know. I miss you so, so bad. Grabe, I never knew it was this painful to lose you. Ang lungkot at ang sakit pa din. I'm trying my best to make you proud. I love you, Dad. I love you.

[digitaljournalby-sid]

I dreamed about you this afternoon, Dad. You were saying something I didn't understand, but it seemed like you were mad at my siblings. In my dream, I was moving a motorcycle and it fell over because I lost my balance. I said I'd just use the car instead. Then you hugged me. It felt so real that I woke up hugging my pillow. I went to church and thanked God for that hug. I miss you so, so much.

[digitaljournalby-sid]

I still look for you in every coffee shop I enter, hoping to see you reading that book you never finished when we were together. I walk down every street, hoping to find you wandering where you used to hold my hand tightly. I still go to the churches where I prayed so hard, hoping God could save us, hoping God could make you stay.

I went to your old apartment, just to feel the warmth of the place. It's changed so much the old sari-sari store is now a big building. I hate writing about you because it feels like I'm betraying my "better self." I know I was just a season for you. I hate you, and I love you, and I don't know which one is better.

It's been almost a year.

[digitaljournalby-sid]

Hey Internet, I thought I could write my story here.

The day my dad passed, I was reborn. How ironic life can be he was right after all, and I know he will continue to be right as I uncover this so-called life. They say life is full of suffering, but what is life without these challenges? Sometimes, I think God's design in each story is so intricate that you can't help but ask why. But honestly, talking with Him made everything feel lighter. Prayers have become my strength, my comfort, and my home nowadays.

When it hurts, I pray and cry. When it doesn't feel okay, I pray. When it's comforting and peaceful, I pray. I don't know what will happen next, but one thing is for sure: I will continue to pray. I admit that life can be lonely nowadays. Friends are busy, and new friends don't have enough depth for me to share my life with. Dad must have been so lonely during those days. We were both lonely, but I'm glad we had that time together.

Honestly, there's been an ache in my heart these past few days. Maybe it's because of life, or maybe it's because I'm thinking about our house and my family, who I feel have turned their backs on me. I don't know for sure, but I hope when everyone is ready and when time has healed our hearts, forgiveness will take place. I hope my heart will be ready for that. I honestly love people, but this is not the time.

I'm choosing my peace, and I understand now what they mean when they say peace is expensive. Indeed, it is. I've lost my childhood home and everything I've had for 26 years in a span of three months. I don't mind, as long as mom is protected and I am in my right mind and functioning. May I walk the roads that God created with great love and courage.