digitalworldposts-blog

[digitalworldposts-blog]

Why Does All Of This Matter? (Pt.4)

I’ll tell you why, numerous different reasons. Relationship abuse is dangerously prevalent and normalized within our society today. We see it everywhere, sometimes we’re even the ones dealing with it, but we hide it and we conform to the ways of the world as we know it now, digitially, and we hide it all behind a screen. We hide our real feelings and thoughts behind a square screen that lights up. In a time where Mental Health has never been more important, we need to be educated. We need to know the signs and know how to deescalate it or remove ourselves. We need to make hard choices, because we know they are the right ones. We are in a very difficult position to either play the victim or the victor, but first we must know. We must have some sort of vocabulary to identify the behavior with. We have to aware. 

I was a victim of relationship abuse for over three years, and it came in a variety of shapes, sizes, colors, words, behaviors and mannerisms. I didn’t know I was suffering legitimate mental and emotional abuse year after year after year because I didn’t have the proper knowledge. I didn’t have a valid outlet. For years, I was in denial and I felt like I was to blame for everything happening to me. I thought that those relationships in my life (and the relationship I had with myself) was all there was for me in the world. I had partially accepted that this is how it’s supposed to be, this is how someone treats you if they love you, this must be my life. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

I couldn’t have been more disillusioned if I had tried. I was genuinely accepting my life for what it was, not changing it or deciding what it would be instead. Instead I settled. I settled and i sulked in misery and negative self-image for years, thinking that this was the way it was supposed to be. It wasn’t until the digital world navigated me a few different areas and I was able to see the writing on the wall. After three years of everyone in my life telling me virtually the same thing, I had seen something that cleared all the confusion up for me in less than twenty minutes, and I truly think that is incredible. 

In a world that is so vastly negative, especially with social media exposure or any sort of warped digital footprint; I learned more from that platform, that day, from those videos and resources, than I did in three years through real-life experience. Because I am a saturated human-being and I like to soak up every moment I am able to, I soaked that moment up with me and I ran with it. Since seeing that video, I was able to safely exit a daunting and destructive relationship pattern I had unbeknownst myself into. I was able to help other people in my life struggling with unhealthy relationships (my sister, roommate, aunt), I was able to provide them with a vocabulary as well as a guide {videos} to identify and recognize the situation they were in for what it was. I was able to remove myself and move on from those debilitating relationships, and come out of them more educated, confident, aware, independent and optimistic than I’d ever been. I was finally free from my past and the people who made it their mission to severely damage me. I had come out on top, and for once I had won. 

My interaction with social media, and the relationship I have with myself and others has changed drastically in the last two years. The situations I experienced were difficult to say the least, but they shaped and molded me into the exact person I am today. I am deeply rooted. I think about everything. I’m increasingly more compassionate and aware of situations around me. I am able to provide a voice of reason to others, that I never even had myself to begin with. I have learned to eliminate any and all bad energy or unhealthy people from my life, my social media presence has changed drastically as well, posting what I want, being who I want, and following who I want. I now follow (on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook) an abundant amount of authors, healers, inspirational speakers, and other fulfilling accounts that have completely shifted the direction of my life, all because I shifted my energy, opened my eyes, and changed my life. It took me a long time to realize, but no one is going to come save you. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, look at yourself in the mirror and know you are one bad-ass motherf*cker and realize that you have to decide to do it differently. You have to make the choice, and be the change that you want to see in your life; because realistically, the only person that you truly have at the end of every single day, is yourself. Take pride in that. Nurture it. Do better because of it. You become what you think about, and after this experience I know that if you think positively and make the changes you need to, with help from whomever, your life will unfold in the most magical way possible. Trust me. I have come further in the last six years than I could’ve ever imagined, and I accredit most of that to myself, for following my heart and never looking back. Cheers to that!

[digitalworldposts-blog]

Love Labyrinth // Behind The Post (Pt. 3)

lab·y·rinthˈlab(ə)ˌrinTH/

noun

1.a complicated irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze.

The videos opened my eyes to a new light and brought me to a place I didn’t think was possible, normality. I remember this as clear as day, it was the middle of the afternoon and i’m laying in my dorm bed. I randomly see this video and i instantly lost it. Crying my eyes out because I had just seen a video of a girl and boy, who very closely resembled me and my boyfriend at the time. I thought, for the first time ever, I think I am actually seeing this situation for what it is, seeing my “relationship”  for exactly what it was. Pathetic. Unhealthy. Traumatizing. Abusive. A Labyrinth. And at that, unacceptable. By the end of that video, a whole 3:42 later, I had made my decision. I was done. And I was allowed to be. For once, it was my turn to decide.

I sat in bed for awhile and thought about how to realistically get out for good. I’ve been told I have a way with words so I thought, I’m just going to write down everything I have to say, send it and block him, so that’s exactly what I did. I wrote him probably the longest message anyone has ever seen in their life, explaining and reprocessing what he had put me through and how unfair it had been to me all this time, and told him I was done for good and to never make contact with me ever again. I blocked his number and every single account he owned digitally. To this day, almost 2 years later, I still never know what he responded. And that is more than okay with me, I didn’t need closure, and I sure as hell didn’t care for it. For the first time in my life, my health, happiness and sustainability came first, before anyone else's and I was going to selfishly do whatever the hell I wanted to and never turn back. I was going to make decisions in my life, not settle of them. For the first time in my life, I felt free, and wow did that feel astronomically different to anything I had ever been used to. Over a 3-year period, I had held on to all of this abuse, mistreatment, disrespect, and anger between two different relationships for far too long. It seemed to control my destiny; but that all changed when I was on Facebook that one random day, trying to escape my own darkness, when reality hit me square in the face and said, “you are better than this, you are strong”, and you can do anything.” This video in an estranged way, while breaking me down to my core, it also gave me a new sense of courage. To decide. To choose differently. To shift my energy and only give it to healthy people who reciprocate it. 

That platform allowed me search the interface of Youtube a bit, navigate their page and see what other videos they had if any. To my pleasant surprise, there were 10+ videos, apart of a mini series (all videos 0:36-1:10) called Behind the Post: Will and Zoe.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDX1fXzBdxw 

Which is a five minute video, filled with all the other shorter videos to makeup one very short film. However, I dug deeper and watched the individual videos after the longer one. The individual videos were listed as follows;

Behind The Post: 

Betrayal   

Isolation  

Jealousy                                      

Intensity  

Guilting  

Volatility                                      

Belittling  

Deflecting Responsibility  

Sabotage 

Manipulation                                

Each video demonstrating a different tactic of relationship abuse. A different tactic that is not only highly normalized in our society, but in many relationships of all ages, although more commonly seen in teenage / young adult relationships. This archive of videos allowed me study, digest and educate myself fully on each and every tactic, how it was happening and why. Because for the first time, so many things that had been there all along, just magically rose up to the surface. It all kind of just clicked. I could see situations for what they were, I could think clearly, and I could apply differently. This was a trivial moment for me. The videos are played as a short movie, you simply just watch the characters in this relationship deal with all these traumatic extremities. Even more interesting, the reason it’s called “Behind the Post” is because through these short clips, we see their fights and the true ugly side to their unhealthy relationship, while meanwhile one of them will post a photo on Instagram of them smiling with some sort of shallow and basic caption, indicting that everything is just fine. Highlighting the obvious and idiotic fact that where our generation stands in the digital age and how we embed that into our personal relationships, is very much truly portrayed in this short film. We get in a fight with our significant other, do or say something really horrible, apply any one of the unhealthy tactics listed above, and in seconds someone will post a picture for validation of others as well as their significant other and themselves. We have succumb to such selfish, fake and preposterous measures in an attempt to maintain a certain digital image we want to show the world, it’s embarrassing. I was able to learn a number of things throughout this one specific digital experience; personally categorized both as constructive to my mental-health and well-being moving forward, as well as recognizing and understanding a lot of fads and trends we unwillingly encourage and participate in, like the picture posting, trying to reserve a statement that everything is okay, when it is entirely the opposite. I realized how much I am able to learn in such a short period of time, how far my brain can expand if i allow it, and if i look hard enough to find the information that is meant to be seen by me. I truly believe those videos were meant to be seen by me, because I can’t imagine how my life would’ve panned out otherwise. Through all the darkness and dysfunction, came a very long-awaited and beautiful transformation, for me to become exactly who I was supposed to be. Finally. 

[digitalworldposts-blog]

Sadness to Silver-lining (Pt.2)

It is no secret that self-love is entirely necessary to live a happy life. Both internally and externally. The old saying goes something like, “You can’t expect yourself to be able to love someone else, if first you do not love yourself.” That resonated with me years ago, when I understood that I wasn’t going to be capable of happiness and healthiness until I identified that with myself.

 I won’t make this long or boring, however I believe it’s important to talk about traumatic situations and unpack unhealthy extremities in order to raise awareness, as well as work through the healing process of acceptance and forgiveness. I also believe it to be necessary that I unpack the honest truth of what those times in my life felt like. What I am referring to, are my first two relationships. Both of them being almost equally as horrible, traumatizing, threatening and debilitating to function in. 

{In a Nutshell} I met my first boyfriend when I was in High School, at a party. It was actually the summer right after Freshman year and before Sophomore year, I saw him from across the party and we locked eyes accidentally, he then chugged a Brisk water bottle full of Vodka in hopes to look tough and try to impress me (whatever, dumb). A few days later he found me on Twitter and direct messaged me, asking if I remember seeing him at the party, and our conversation began there. That moment in time was a very trivial moment for me looking back, because after that night my life was never entirely the same. We texted and hung out for a few months before we began dating. My first real boyfriend.

 Once we eventually started dating, it was only a month into the relationship and I found out from my ex-best friend that he had cheated on me. Now pause, when I say the term cheating you assume it was a physical altercation, which unbeknownst to me was actually not the case, but instead was texting another girl and sending her highly inappropriate messages and remarks. I remember sitting on my couch with my Dad, watching American Horror Story: Coven and the episode where Stevie Nicks appears and starts playing a song was the very moment I got that text. Which is also ironic because in a a moment, on a night where I felt completely devastated, hurt and confused, that was the same night I discovered Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac, and that relationship is still absolutely beautiful and ever-growing. 

Long story short, I ignorantly forgave him through trail and tribulation of manipulation and he reeled me back in. That was a defining moment for him too, at that moment he knew he could do it again, and knew I was too blind and naive to actually leave (though I had threatened it many times). I was 15 when I met him. I thought I was in love just like everyone when they get their first boyfriend. My parents saw the writing on the wall and they were legitimately scared for my life. Thinking back to it, if I was in their position I would have done the same thing. All my life, my parents have set a prominent example for what True Love looks like. They have been married for almost 27 years and have embedded respect, honestly and ordinance into our family dynamic ever since I can remember. They couldn’t possibly understand why their daughter, who most-definitely knew better, was subjecting herself to so much less. I wish I would’ve listened to them sooner because it is true, your parents do in fact know what’t best for you, despite the efforts of always hoping they’d secretly be wrong. 

Two and a half years went by; replaying that exact same cycle practically on a loop. Cheat. Break up. Manipulate. Forgive. I felt so trapped in the unhappiness of my life, it wasn’t until my mom brought my obvious unhappiness to my attention and asked if I wanted counseling. Of course I responded no. because that would mean something was wrong with me? What if someone looks at me differently? Wrong. Wrong. The stigma against asking for help made its mark and controlled my decision. It wasn’t until a few days later I realized she was right, and I wanted help. I wanted to know why I felt this way. I began going to a therapist. I had one session with her and I felt like I had completely and instantly shed layers upon layers of skin off. She helped me recognize the problem in less than an hour. One time. I left her office feeling empowered but also foolish. How could I have let someone so horrific control my life for so long? I left her office and broke up with him for good. It was reviving to say the least.

Around 5 months later, summer before my Freshman year at Ball State, I met this kid who was a mutual friend of my cousins. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but we kept running into him and seeing him places and eventually we started hanging out. It was very slow and subtle, and then very much all at once. There wasn’t really an in-between, at one point I just had no idea what was going on or how we had gotten there. I had absolutely zero interest in anything serious and I made that clear. But he seemed so normal at first, and we were just friends. Like i said, life happened and all of a sudden we’re practically dating. I’m a little thrown off at first because I’m thinking “Okay, well I’m a year older than him, I’m about to go to college, is this the right situation for me to be in?” My parents weren’t a huge fan, so their opinion weighed on mine too, just not enough. I unfortunately kept dating him and found myself in a very awful situation. I was with someone who was not only completely immature, insecure, possessive, jealous, controlling and threatening. And I had no idea how to get out of it. I stayed in that relationship the majority of my first semester, and as you can probably guess it was a very rough time in my life. Pushing people out of my life, angry all the time, one turns into two when it comes to jealousy and insecurity, and I was failing multiple classes. I tried breaking up with him for over 3 months straight. He would drive to Muncie. He would show up. Call me so many times my phone would freeze. And worst of all, threaten me day in and day out that if I ever left, he would have to kill himself because there would just be no will for him to live anymore. This manipulation kept me in this relationship much longer than I should’ve ever been. I felt so guilty and helpless, as if his entire life was in my hands and the outcome would be based off the decisions I made. I had realized I attracted nearly the exact same person into my life and he was going to have me if it was the last thing he had, he was going to do and say whatever he needed to in order to keep me where he wanted me. I felt undeniably trapped and miserable for months, countless times where he would literally say he was doing it and make me think he was dead, turn off his phone and location and be completely untraceable, as I’m in Muncie and he is in Fort Wayne. Countless times where I had to walk to the stadium as a freshman on a college campus to get my car and drive an hour and a half north in the middle of the night just to see if he was alive or not. He knew what to say and how to say it to make me do things I wouldn’t normally do. Looking back I can see now how dysfunctional and psychotic it really was, all of it. 

It wasn’t until one day when he was trying to get ahold of me, frantically and demandingly, I declined everything that came my way and turned to Facebook. Needed to go somewhere via the Internet where I could forget about my life for a little bit, because who doesn’t love a good Tasty video am i right? As I opened Facebook, the first thing on my timeline was a video posted by a Facebook Campaign called OneLove, the video was called Love Labyrinth. I watched and learned {literally}. My eyes were opened to new depths that I had never seen before. To this day, I solemnly praise this organization for redirecting my life and educating me in the most prominent way possible. I would be a completely different person today, had I not gotten on Facebook and clicked on the link that brought me to this Youtube video. Give it a watch. If you suffer from any sort of relationship trauma, emotional, mental or physical abuse, please watch at your own risk. It can be very emotionally telling and truthful.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_r72v3LA44

[digitalworldposts-blog]

But First, Technology. (Pt.1)

My experience with the digital atmosphere would be mostly comparable to anyone else's. Social Media was first introduced to me back in middle school, as I had an Env3, because my older sister Megan had a MySpace (lacking my parents knowledge) and I was so jealous. My sister has always been a parenting counterpart in our family’s equation. Although she is only three years older than me, she has a knee-jerk tendency to baby the hell out of me. Therefore, no MySpace for middle school Maddie. Which in retrospect, I’m so thankful that she did that because what 11 year old needs to be on MySpace anyway? Now I can confidently say, NO 11-YEAR-OLD. EVER! It is ironic though because at the time, you couldn’t have told me differently. Even then, when my digital footprint was nonexistent, I always felt like I was missing something. I knew other people had a profile, they were able to online chat and have a profile theme song, (WHAT?!) among many other online fixations. All I can remember is being increasingly angry I wasn’t allowed to enjoy the fun everyone else seemed to be having, but more importantly I just wanted to grow up. 

When you’re in middle school and high school, it’s simply routine to look up to the kids older than you; the ones that can drive, or can date someone, or can hang out with their friends without parents. You think so simplistically when your immature brain wants to shed its skin and be older.  It was easy for me because I had an older sister and I wanted to be just like her. I wanted the phone she had, I wanted to be able to have an Instant Messaging account, I wanted to have an email. I just wanted to immerse myself into the digital realm because it was new and fascinating. Not to mention, when someone is doing something that you can’t, it consistently makes you want to do it that much more. So I did. One night after everyone was asleep (so I thought) I crept out of my room to see my Dad watching TV on the couch before bed. I realized I had to Army-crawl on my elbows and knees to get pass the balcony and to the computer room. Adrenaline was rushing through every part of my tiny body, but I wanted an Email so badly I didn’t even care. I then very quietly cracked the door and logged into our computer. Went to Internet Explorer and Ta-da: Pokadot150@yahoo.com was born. The rest is essentially history. Shortly after the Email, my childhood best friend and I both made Facebook accounts (sadly Pokadot150@yahoo.com remains my current Facebook email), and a few years later, Twitter and Instagram accounts birthed and it felt like everyone had everything. Thus began the obsession and globalization of world-wide technology and the culture we’ve groomed along the way.

To think that in our current generation (almost a decade after the digital atmosphere came to life) where we are in legitimate frenzy. We are disillusioned in the fear of missing something via Internet or {God Forbid} say we don’t see someones Snapchat story before it disappears... we are living in a constant notion of now and then. Flipping between past and present highlights with just our finger tips. Who was where? At what time? With who? More importantly, and why the hell do we care? How did we get here?

Unbeknownst to 11-year-old me at the time, I was tapping into the generational iceberg that would soon melt into destruction. Lucky me! 

[digitalworldposts-blog]

Prologue 

Hello there! My name is Maddie Fry, and though I may just look like a normal twenty-year-old girl, I’d like to think that I’m not. Through the next several posts I will take you into the deep, dark corners of my past, and navigate you through how I made it out alive. More independent and confident than ever. All thanks to the digital...kind of. Thank you for taking the time to read this, as well as the initiative to educate yourself. I hope you learn something about yourself or others through the process. 

Blessings,

M