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SO BITCHES

i am TRIGGERED AND PANICKING n i gotta keep dis to myself but also werk thru it at da same time cus its like 4 mins till the 31st n my ny resolution is to solve all my emotional problems myself and i think venting to other people makes my problems worse but writing things out helps and right soooooooooo @ future me reading this the PROBLEM IS IM SUDDENLY QUITE UPSET AND I AM NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY but its probably cus ive been thinking abt how much i hateE myself and i am still scared of gary and his lil pic is there each time i log into whatsapp and it brings up PAST FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND SELF LOATHING EACH TIME I C HIS FACE ESPECIALLY WITH A LIL READ TICK BY IT he said hed hang w us but then never replied n said hed let us kno how his essay was goin so he was probs jus busy n doesnt wish i was dead but HEY also part of me doesnt even care n i dont i dont care about HIM i dont knOW HIM i care about what he REPRESENTS in my life omg im so weird but ir feels good writing this out man i am such a spaz lol i want his VALIDATION REALLY BADLY AND I WANT JOES VALIDATION AND I WANT VERONICAS VALIDATION AND JOSH AND OLLIE AND CALEB WHO I DONT EVEN TALK TO but in the end i want all this as some sort of proof im not a trash human being but no one knows me better than me and i think i am so what the fuck lol why do i make myself suffer there is so forseeable FUCKING END TO THIS NIIIIIIIGHTMAAAAAARE . BOI. YEET. i keep thinkin bout relationships n maaaan i really dont want one but part of me does just to i guess have had one yknow idk im trash man man mna i kinda miss having a crush but also no thanks mate cus no one ever likes me BAAAAAACK cus i have an ugly face AND AN UGLY PERSONALITY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am not funny i try to hard i am dumb i am hypocritical i am needy and i am more boring then people seem to realise and my forehead looks weird my hair is horrid my lips n bad my NOSE LOL dont and my skin is bad and weird looking and i hate my eye shape n face shape n the whole thing js trash n people that like me i treat like shit!!!!!!! i goddamn do n part of me really wants to just not exist bur hey whatevs and thats why im upset i guess lol

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its 3am

i cant sleep but i am having an epiphany. i KNOW WHO I AM. i am the dirt lover boy i am the swamp monster the bog witch the little one drenched head to toe in piss water and that is who she is and who i will love this is the manifestation of all that i am i know NOW

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pics me feelin cute n bein posey b4 i delete em from my phone

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21.11.12 hey so its 2am i woke up three hrs ago n hav just been chillin tmro is niaz's dr appt im gonna sleep in like half an hr again. my body knows what it needs im just trusting in it and letting it do what its gotta do since i got that shitting cold from martyn the jesus man. we had 3 hrs of biochem then hung out me niaz n ethan in town for a bit i worry ethan doesnt like me but hes a good lad i just feel he feels im a drama queen which is true to be fair. i also spoke to holly on the bus n she was chill which is nice i worried she didnt like me but wahey anyway thats all tomorrow ill prob do my essay but prob sleep idk anyway cya

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20.11.17 hey there so i didnt even realise 5 days had passed since i last wrote here essentially i Fucked my sleep cycle. like really fucked truly well and truly well and truly fucked. so these past few days have rly been a bit of a blur n i dnt rly have anything to say lol cya

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15.10.17 hello there today i woke up late AGAIIIIIN (shitty) n i didnt go to any lectures cus 1 was grad skills n the other was biodiv n weve had all our actual lectures altho i kinda wish i went cus it was an intro to evolutionary n comparative psychology which is a unit im thinkin of takin next yr but oh well i woke up too late for that shit i went into town pretty soon after waking i bought some spaghetti n found that the body shop does my colour foundation n that i wanna buy the nyx san paulo lipstick as a treat for myself if i do something rly good i bumped into ano n this weird dude he met at church who i meant to shake his hand but he kinda just held it n looked at me rly intensely n i came back n then i napped (naughty) n then at like 7 i woke up n i tidied my room n i was like ohhh fuck ive wasted the day cus it was like 9 but then i went to the communual center n did the next bit of my lab report n finished the other half of the marine n terr lecture joe was there which was chill n ive noticed hes got VERY KEEN EYES he sees everything which isnt surprising for a film student so idk y im shocked but ya also idk if veronica likes me or not i said hi to her when she came in today tbh i dont really care n she prob doesnt either i just worry that i come across as cold or something also my hair looks cute in a bun and i lost at pool against alex (jb haircut) but i learned HE WENT TO CHELMO COLLEGE TOO but the princes rd campus spooky af bro tomorrow is my lab exam (screams) so ima sleep at a reasonable time well at least try to so ya mayb ill read a lil also im over the gary crush but i still get a heart attack whenever i hear or am near him its annoying lol i have issues and i need to work em out but idk how i dont want a relationship rn or ever probs or sex but i only think that cus of the past nurture not nature amirite mayb i shld try n find a gf lol queer girls wya ok gnight!!!!

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14.11.17 happy tuesday. today was my day off, i planned to do a lot of work as ive done fuckall these past few days. ive just felt super tired and my moods been a lil fucked since i have a lab report n essay due n a test on the 8th dec n the chem test on fri rly took whatever was left in me, out of me. buuut i woke up late and got out of bed at arnd 2ish. which felt shit cus i had today planned as a productive day. but ykno what i did. i went to tesco. i did my big shop. i came back on the bus n had a nice chat to cool eyes man bun from the communal center, hes a pretty chill guy. hes indian n pakistani n hes muslim so he doesnt drink but smokes weed n hasnt been to a mosque his whole time here and did u kno there r two eids arnd xmas time. ramadan n a sacrifice. he also helped me carry my shopping up which was super lovely of him. i came back n i continued to do fuckall except that i made some nice oats n had some green tea for the first time n i tidied my room. and slowly, yet surely, i did the intro to my lab report. and half of a marine n terrestrial lecture. fuck yea. i found n added joe on fb we had a nice lil convo n josh says i can come round to play mario kart which i am so down for. the communual center feels weird without ollie yelling when i did work there n some dude who met me when i was super drunk n i spoke to yesterday n i didnt remember him but he told me i met him during the Incident said hi n the crew™️ was watching tv it was kind intimidating i feel scared of veronica cus i get the vibe she doesnt like me. bella pissed me off a lil by not taking care of my stuuuuufff which is annoying but whatever ill drop some hints or write some postits. also yvonne made the funniest fuckin joke sarahs hair is like that cus of the radiation from her microwave meals thats the funniest shit ive heard in my life good fuckin bye. anyway now its 4.20 exactly n i cant sleep so i thought id start this diary as its easier to type than write n i wanna do a diary. thats my fuckin day wahoo gdnight! xcept prob not cus i am WIIIDE awake R I P M E