discoveringmyselfagain

[discoveringmyselfagain]

What does it say about my life when my therapist came to my apartment to take the meds I could use to OD?

I have so many feelings and I hate them all.

I know she wants the best for me and cares deeply. I’m just ashamed of myself and the place I find myself in.

Depression is incredibly hard. It’s so lonely and there is no one that understands this in my life.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Who the fuck am I?

Sinking into a deep depression ✅

Trauma is such a bitch.

Restricting ✅

Purging because I decided to fight the urge to restrict ✅

I hate myself.

It’s the first day it’s light out later and I don’t know if I care enough to stay out of my bed.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Depression and PTSD are hard as hell.

I’m not okay and don’t know what I need.

What my brain says I want is dying and that’s heartbreaking. I don’t feel like I can be around people. I feel like I’m too much for others to take on.

Can I just rot away in my bed?

Please.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

I’ve never wish my abuser ill or harm.

Those nightmares having me thinking twice. I am not okay.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Ankle surgery is a current inability to sleep.

Debating whether I will go back to work tomorrow in the middle of a snowstorm on a crutch.

Being incredible emotional. Long story.

Incredibly grateful for my synagogue community.

And wanting a snack for the last hour. Knowing full well I might sleep if I got food. But it means getting up and I’m cozy in my bed.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Life is hard and I’m trying to let that be okay.

Went and got a manicure and a pedicure after therapy this morning to be extra kind to myself.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Life is strange and it’s hard.

I am tired and feel utterly alone.

Ketamine treatment #2 today.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Therapy was interesting today.

I know that my relationship with myself needs a shift. Being kinder to myself is objectively a good thing.

Meeting the younger traumatized me where she’s at and taking care of her is a good thing.

My instinct is still to flee.

But I am trying to heal instead of flee.

I am going to try and heal.

Otherwise there is no life.

I can widen the idea of what healing can mean.

I don’t have to keep judging myself.

I can do the best I can and that’s enough.

And I can do all of this and be afraid.

Because I am so afraid. Afraid of every possible outcome. Afraid of living. Not really afraid of dying anymore which in itself is scary.

Everything is hard and I just want to lay in a dark cold room and be left alone.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Doing a therapy intensive today and I am anxious.

Ketamine treatments start Tuesday and I am scared.

I promised my therapist I’d eat before session today and I’m frustrated about that.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

I left treatment today.

I didn’t accomplish what I wanted but I am more stable than 5 weeks ago.

I’m also not working to heal from trauma to just have my voice and my autonomy be taken from me everyday. Who knew that eating disorder “support” could feel so much like being abused all over again.

I’m realizing how connected, heard, and cared for I felt at synagogue last night and how much I wasn’t feeling heard “as a member of the treatment team”. They told me I was the most important on the team, but when you don’t take away the harmful aspects of treatment, you’re teaching me that harm is okay as long as you think it’s clinically justified.

I want to heal having a voice and my own power.

Healing is likely a slower process now and that’s okay.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

In the next installment of trying to get me to sleep through the night….

My psychiatrist is having me try

-extended release melatonin

-regular melatonin

-valaririan root

-and magnesium

I’m either gonna be well rested or groggy as hell tomorrow.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

Wine and restricting is the buzz I needed.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

When I got home Friday from treatment and work, my Mom told me that everything I’m doing right now is not making me any better in her and my dad’s perspective. That she doesn’t see a difference in me.

Which to me means I shouldn’t be trying anymore. And it was already a really hard day.

She asked me to answer whether anything was helping or if I’m throwing good money at bad. Which again, comes across to me as, I shouldn’t be trying. That I am the “bad” and throwing money at myself for treatment is a bad choice.

I feel so freaking defeated and alone. I feel like this is confirming my thoughts that I’ll never get better.

She literally texted me while I was at work to see if this was an evening I’d be home or not so they could tell me this.

I just cried and asked what else she and my dad expect me to do. She, of course, had no answer.

I told her that I’m still alive and some days that’s the best I can do.

She says she knows that. But if you know your child is doing everything to stay alive why would you say any of this.

Outside of going to residential, which isn’t an option because I need to keep my job, I am doing everything I can treatment wise.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

It’s never going to be okay.

I am so defeated.

[discoveringmyselfagain]

[discoveringmyselfagain]

[discoveringmyselfagain]

EMDR today had me in all of my feelings and I am so eternally grateful for my EMDR therapist.