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disgruntleddd · 1 year ago

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For all you know, they could very well be lying.

I don't THINK that my ex is lying, just maybe misinformed or misremembering. We don't hate each other, things just got very messy at the end... Anyway, I don't think they would blatantly lie to me.

It sounds like you can't get info for me.

Not really. We are not currently on speaking terms. I could unblock them and ask to see their credit card statements, but I already know that they won't be itemized so I don't want to go through the unpleasant experience of talking to them for no real reason.

Why'd your parents give them money?

Because my ex is a childhood friend of mine. We've known each other for eight years, dated for three, and were engaged for one. My parents were under the impression that my ex was a safe person with integrity to trust with a loan, because we were going to be getting married and they have always been very kind and respectful. My dad had even begun to think of them as another one of his children.

This whole breakup exposed a side of them that I and my family have never seen before.

If they threaten to take you to court, remind them proof will need to be in writing or they'll be laughed outta court and left paying all the court expenses.

That's the plan. I downloaded all of our Discord messages before blocking them.

Maybe say that IF you do owe 1k, then there's still 3k they need to pay you back. Watch them shut up real fast.

I did, actually. They said that what they owe my parents is a separate issue entirely. I told them to sell the engagement ring they kept (which I spent 1K on, easy) or even the anniversary bracelet I gave them (made with gold and our birthstones, my dad helped me pay for it and it's another $400), but they refused. They said it wasn't about money, and they just want me to take responsibility for my own debts.

I told them not to contact me again and blocked them.

Did they ask you to pay them before you split or only after?

Only after. Right after they finally moved out, actually. They've always hated face-to-face confrontation. Maybe they only felt "safe" bringing it up once they were 100% certain they never had to see me again.

Why do they only want 1.4k if your shared expenses were significantly higher?

I'm... Not sure, actually. I assume because that amount is what they "directly" spent on me, but they've already admitted that none of their bank statements are itemized. It can say that you spent $100 on groceries on this day, but not what those groceries were, so it's impossible to know what was spent on me and what was spent on them.

How long have they owed your parents?

Over a year now. They got fired from their job back in April of 2023, and my parents helped us cover their half of rent. (More than once, but this is the first instance of them directly owing my parents money.)

It’s not right for them to try to recover whatever they may have spent on the relationship now that it’s over.

I think that's exactly what's happening. I think because they don't have my friendship anymore, they want to come out of this whole situation "winning," or, at least... Not losing. Finances are really the only avenue for them to pursue this security.

Your ex has a gambling or drug problem.

It's not gambling. They are into smoking (cigarettes and marijuana) and their husband is an alcoholic, but they only turned 21 a month after we broke up. I would occasionally buy them weed before they were of age, but definitely not enough to make me think it was an addiction or nearly this expensive. I legitimately have no idea where all of their money could have gone.

Not sure if it's relevant, but they're also the ex I was talking about in a previous AITA post, where I was basically asking if it was okay to want to cut contact with them due to their behavior following the breakup. You can read that if you want more details on the non-financial side of our relationship.

Feel free to ask me more questions, if you want.

@am-i-the-asshole-official

AITA for refusing to pay my ex back money that I supposedly owe?

So, I was in a relationship with X for three years. We were engaged and lived together for one. During that time, we have some problem with money. Both of us lost our jobs kind of close together. We got new jobs, so rent wasn't really a problem, but day-to-day expenses like gas and groceries were.

X is trying to say that I owe them $1.4K or so because, during this time, they took out a couple of credit cards to make ends meet. They're claiming that I 1) knew ahead of time that they were taking out credit cards, and 2) agreed to pay them back when we were both in a more comfortable place.

I have no memory of this conversation we apparently had. I went through our messages (we use Discord so I had no problem searching for keywords) and nothing there, either.

During our relationship, X was always cagey about their finances. They have a bit of an independence complex because they want to establish themselves as capable without their parents. But that also meant that I never knew what bills they owed or how much — about anything. Even when they complained about costs, it was always vague.

Even agreeing to "pay them back" sounds weird to me because our relationship wasn't like that. We were partners and covered each other when we could, and repayment was never expected because, duh, we were planning to get married.

X has no evidence of me knowing about these credit cards in the first place, LET ALONE agreeing to pay anything back. They're claiming that they spent 24k in total on those cards in the year we were together, which seems INSANE to me. I have no idea how the fuck they managed to spend that much on two people.

They want me to pay them back because they took the credit cards out to support me, I guess — but, again, I never asked them to do that or even knew that they were. It's not like they were buying insanely fancy stuff, and they got paid more than me, so I just assumed their money was from their paychecks and they never said anything to make me thing that their debts were piling up.

I did offer to help them pay off some bills a couple of times, but they always declined. And I didn't offer out of obligation, I offered because I loved them.

But, tbh, even if I thought I did legitimately owe them money, I wouldn't pay them back, anyway, because we ended on very nasty terms and they still owe something like $4k to my parents, anyway.

So, AITA? Or at least justified in being "petty"?

#also sorry this side blog was made for me to bitch about my old job just ignore my previous posts

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disgruntleddd · 1 year ago

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AITA for wanting to cut ties with my ex?

I (22) have been friends with my ex-fiancé (21) since we were 14. We were best friends for years and they crushed on me for ages, until we finally started going out when I was ~18. We were each other's firsts and we got engaged when I was 20 and they were 19. We moved in together when I was 21 and they were 20.

Last November (six-ish months ago now, jeez, time flies) they broke up with me. They were sexually assaulted in a club and told me that the experience made them realize that they want to be more upfront with their boundaries and desires. They don't think we're compatible like that and wanted to date someone more similar to themselves while still being my best friend, like we were before.

For a while, I tried to make it work even though I was absolutely miserable being around them knowing that what we had was gone. They had an online friend, we'll call him D (24), who they'd grown close to over the course of the year or so we'd lived together. Well, they already had a visit planned months in advance for D to come out and stay in our apartment for two weeks. They told me that they were romantically interested in D, and wanted to see how things went in person. I didn't want to ask them to cancel such an expensive trip so short notice, so I sucked it up. At the time, I expressed that I wanted D to sleep on our fold-out couch (we have a two-bedroom, and they got their own bed after the breakup) but they told me that who they invite into their bed is none of my business.

Anyway, so, my ex lied to me. Turned out that they'd already been dating D for a couple of weeks before the visit took place. The walls are not thick so I heard them fucking more than once. My ex invited me out to drink with them and I ended up crying because it was really painful to watch them hang off of someone else and loudly make jokes about all the sex they were going to have later.

Fast forward a couple of months, and D gets kicked out of his apartment and needs somewhere to live. This is where shit hits the fan, and what prompted this post.

D has never liked me, although he tries very hard in a shallow way to make me like him. (I think it's an anxiety thing — he wants me to like him because then I feel less threatening, not because he actually cares about getting to know me, you know?) I overheard a phone conversation between Ex and D where he was ranting about how I have no friends because I'm such an unlikeable bitch, I'm never going to change or improve myself, he fucking hates me, I'm a narcissist, Ex needs to move out and cut ties with me because I'm so toxic, blah blah blah. D also has schizophrenia, multiple personalities due to severe childhood trauma, he age-regresses (constantly; his default mental age is ~17), and he's an alcoholic. All of this to say that he is a very paranoid and depressed person.

(Side note: I expressly told my ex that I didn't want him to stay in our apartment. They said that they understood and assured me it would only be for a few days while they found him a place. It's been ~3 weeks now, and he's still here.)

I was woken up one night a week ago by my ex and D having a very loud conversation about suicide. D was having a mental breakdown/panic attack and ex was actively having to keep him away from pills and knifes. I laid in my bedroom and listened to D describe a fantasy in which he takes a gun and blows his brains out in front of me — apparently because I am a huge source of depression and anxiety for him, on account of me not liking him.

I don't believe I've been mean to D. I simply don't care about him. I do my best to not acknowledge him/pretend he doesn't exist. My ex disagrees.

They claim I've been outwardly cruel to him and that my hostility is the reason for his near suicide-attempt. They called me all sorts of names and pinned the blame almost entirely on me.

That night of the panic attack, I also became anxious that D would try to do something to hurt me or my two cats. (He has a history of animal abuse/murder.) I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife to sleep with because I was too tense to get back to sleep.

Well, D found out about the knife and apparently he is now terrified that I'm going to do something to him (and he could have only known about it if my ex told him, as he does not enter my room EVER), which my ex also blames on me.

My ex made the decision to break our lease and move out around a month ago. Rather than find a new roommate, I decided to get a small one bedroom apartment for myself. My ex seems upset about this. I told them blatantly that I don't want to see each other or even communicate once the move is completed, which I don't think they've grasped. They keep making remarks about trying to stay in contact or me visiting them at their new place.

I am a college student and I have a job. I have missed three of my morning classes this month already because my ex and D both like to stay up late at night and play games in the living room and/or drink together. They both talk very loudly and this can go on until 2 in the morning. It's nearly impossible for me to relax and sleep with their constant activity. I also do the dishes, feed the pets, clean up after them, sweep, take out the trash, throw away the beer cans they both leave everywhere, hell, I've even done their laundry.

The only thing my ex does is cook occasionally, which they seem to think is an effort towards our friendship, when they consistently prioritize D's dietary desires over mine, never help me with my groceries, and when they order food, never get anything for me. If there is enough food for three, then they will offer me some. That's about it.

They make no effort to spend time with me and actively avoid having difficult conversations while at the same time accusing me of moving out because I'm "running away from my problems." They want to be both my best friend and a good husband.

Oh, yeah. Ex and D are married as of last week, ish. No idea why. Not my problem.

But, the way I see it, it is functionally impossible for Ex to prioritize someone as high-maintenance as their new husband AND be my friend at the same time, considering all of the emotional conflicts going on in our fucked up little situation here.

(Side note: all of this is IGNORING the 3k my ex owes my parents, as they helped us both out when my ex lost their job last year. My ex told me that they're frustrated because it feels like my family is "ganging up" on them, and that they were under the impression my parents would just forgive the money and all of us could part ways on good terms. I have literally no idea where they got THAT impression.)

I feel ignored and underappreciated. I am also fairly confident that I'm being gaslit, as Ex constantly blames me for my feelings AND for D's feelings. I am posting this now because I legitimately cannot tell if I'm overreacting or not. Ex makes me doubt my thoughts and the validity of my actions. (RE: the knife incident, they chastised me for scaring D all because I was "paranoid," when I brought up the phone call I overheard, Ex told me that D was just drunk/angry and didn't really mean it, the last time I complained about them both being noisy (during sex) it was brushed off as me being bitter that I'm still single, etc)

I know that Ex is also stressed and dealing with a lot. Am I being too harsh? Am I overthinking this? Should I buckle down and try to make it work? I've been friends with them for ⅓ of my life — they've been with me through my worst and my best. So much of who I am is shaped by them. I don't want to give that up, but I also think that maybe I need to if I'm ever going to improve myself/my mental state.

I am legitimately looking forward to moving out on my own, being responsible only for myself, only cleaning up my own messes, focusing on work and school and potentially maybe even making some new friends. I don't want Ex in my life anymore, I just want to put the last year behind me, and I think they know that — they're just in denial. They want to have their cake and eat it, too.

#aita #am i the asshole

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