dislikethinkingofuniquenames - Tumblr blog

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Yesterday was pretty incredible.

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Sedona is my soul cleansing, spirit realignment space.

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Let’s just say I found my inner strength, made some form decisions, left work Friday, and took my ass down to Sedona to bask in this glory! Yesterday casual hikes, today 15 mile trail run-hike.

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The norm seems to be needing space to reflect. So I left home, got a cabin in Bridgeport, and went hiking in the eastern Sierra’s. It was incredible.

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12 snowy miles

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Starting a 30 day yoga practice. Establishing a balanced gym routine. Job hunting (and this morning I found a job that really peaks my interest as a policy analyst). Vacation planning.

Have to rediscover me.

Reflect on my relationship with men overall.

Have to figure a better path. My job is full of too much negative energy and I can’t get over the past to see a better path through. I need that to be different. I need to figure out my role as a social worker.

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I made a call on something that was needed for me to see more in line with my values...and I’m having a response to that. So naturally I took my boy out for an afternoon on the trails. We played fetch on this ledge (it was pretty wide) and the hiked down to that river to play more. Gaining comfort in solitude. Grateful for my boy.

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Drove through a nice little snow storm to play (snow shoe) with Winston — empty trails for us to just exist together.

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Our Christmas was spent on the couch the entire day sleeping. Just the two of us. Eating snacks. It was different than in previous years and it was good. We are struggling to get out of bed this morning, but we are definitely itching to snow shoe today

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This amazing dog is my whole heart. Watching him frolic in the snow, chasing each other, fucking around with the ice, walking on waterways you didn’t know were waterways...life is just a lot, but these moments, it so simple, so easy. It reminds Me regardless of anyone, we will be ok.

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When the weight of life is heavy. Put on overalls. It’s interesting to have such a different perspective of your own experiences and sense of self in contrast to what others see. Doubt has seeped into every facet of my life, excluding my Winston life. Am I making any right decision? What am I even doing? When did everything go “wrong”? Am I worthy? Do I even have the right to be and feel a certain way? None of us truly understand the depth of what occupies another’s life, thoughts, feelings...we make assumptions. Most often we’re incorrect. People don’t owe us explanations either. Solitude and getting through the days are the theme at the moment. And sometimes that’s enough.

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No woods today. Instead we bulldozed our way into the hospital, which does not allow visitors, but we got in. Advocated like fuck. Had real conversations with my sister in law, who I love and is struggling hard. Anything she needs I got her. I’m bringing her a bag for her transfer to inpatient psych hospital. This is a lot and heavy and a lot.

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Tuesday at 3pm I received a phone call that things with my family went from bad to worse. My sister in law overdosed, crashed her car, and then while at the hospital hung herself. She was on a ventilator in the ICU. Wednesday morning I left for Humboldt. I needed to be here. I needed to be there for my family. My brother is overwhelmed. He’s in crisis and problem solving mode and crisis and glitching out. This place isn’t safe for anyone. I showed up. I set aside my own shit. I guided my brother through an appropriate safety plan for the kids, and then for him. And then, as we’re wrapping about a social worker shows up from Child Welfare to interview the family after receiving a referral for emotional abuse and DV against my sister in law. Surreal doesn’t capture this experience. I do mental health for a job, I’m in the field...and it’s so much more impactful and fucked to experience in your family. My purpose is done here. The plans are established and I’m taking care of me. Doing what I need. This is a lot for all of us. This is just a lot. So I took care of me. I hiked. I’ll go in the woods again. I’ll see Sean. This has been a lot.

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A snowy 11.3 mile hike with my one and only.

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Surviving. Resting. Ran 6 miles with Winston and took a little detour to play on swings. Lifted at home. Made dinner. Cried on the floor. I don’t even know how to sort of my head.

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Stepping up how I present myself...I love my legging lifestyle, but also...love the opportunity in winter to really step into my zone. Mini skirts and scarves and army green jackets...makes me miss NY.

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I can’t quite describe the morning, but it was amazing! And then W and I took an adventure to Tahoe for some quality quiet time amongst the snow and trees. I feel beautiful, inside and out.