displaced-space - Tumblr blog

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Still here. Still selling fake doors.

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I survived.

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This is about more, I’m wanting water so badly. But that’s ok.

Tianna, Tianna, our Tianna.

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I Finally Understand What I Gave Away

Because I was high, I lost my marriage. Because I was high, I didn't answer the phone call of a friend in need. Because I was high, I chased away all my friends. Because I was high, I wasted all my gifts. Because I was high, I ruined my ability to know others truly.

Because I was high, I let myself be used. Because I was high, it was easy to live through the abuse.

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Finding You In Every Lifetime & Taking Chances

C This one is for you. It has been so long since we've seen each other, or spoke really. Things are getting better. I want you to know that I don't live in fear anymore. There are things that are have been wretched. No one is to blame. Everyone tried, including me. Sometimes things just get away from us. I am still trying to not live in fear. And, I think I am making progress. It's feeling like the sun is coming up again. I am doing more than surviving. And I am realizing that I don't have to make the mistakes that I've made throughout my life over and over again. And that some things perhaps aren't mistakes, and I need to not ruminate so much on life. I've also come to understand that there are parts of me that are just a little different than others. I don't know if it was always that way, but I think back to the times when I chose myself over you and realized that the times that I did that were often over things I considered very small, but may have been large in your eyes. I am working on being more polite, well mannered, and most importantly - interested in the lives of the people who live in the world around me. I've found that often they do not have the same interest, and that's OK. I have apologized a lot to you. And I have a lot of guilt. You've told me you have healed, but over the year did not give me a lot to work with. I suppose that was intentional. Maybe healing is done alone. I still think the world of you. I won't be writing on this blog anymore. I've decided to journal privately instead. This outlet has not always been healing, but it was there. Give Winston and Ramsey all they need. B

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Thank you to the ones who made safe spaces

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All I do is drink and drug and my time feels so short

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I spent Valentine’s Day configuring Salesforce again and honestly things are just so bad. I’m watching the mummy 2 now and bro, even this mummy is getting kisses haha

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For Valentine's Day I won't write you.

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It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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A family I am not a part of grew by one today.

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Oh no, but wait!

Today I went out with my new watch. I spent a grip on it. I think sometimes I like to show off. I have a sister journal entry in another place called "Wear my Wealth". Well, you found it man, it's on you. Does it make you feel good? Powerful? Desirable? . What grows more the more you take away? A hole. Be a mountain, man.

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Oh snap.

I have an air gapped authenticator device I use for my social medias. It's not because I have anything important to need such discretion, but I felt like a little cool spy. I snapped the thing's logic board on my knee accidentally crawling into bed. Welp, guess that's all she wrote. When the security bites back.

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You’ve always been strong enough

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Tumblr I swear to god.

If you keep putting little cute ads in my pain journal I will move to iOS journal for everything.

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Oh Anne, was any of it real?

I had a dream today. I was in a glacier, the basin of one. The icewater melted to form a lake in the middle. It was blue and white. The group encouraged me to take a kayak out. You stay in the back, and encouraged me. It was you and not you. Eventually the kayak broke into pieces, strapped to me. I swam on, thinking you were there. I looked to the shore, the group was no longer there. I looked to the water, there were no other boats where there used to be one.

I found a cave and swam inside. I looked behind, you were not there either. Your voice broke in pieces to me, over static.

I had to ask, “Anne, was any of this real?” Your reply faded away before I could understand.

When I awoke, I understood. Your heart has moved on.

I slept most the day today. I had another dream about you. I was laying facing the south window in my apartment. I could feel your hand on my face. The comfort, your body against my back. When I turned to face you, you disappeared. It was your touch too.

Anne, I hope you find happiness.

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Ugh

And I feel like an idiot. I don't do good in group situations, it's been so long since I was ever around more than a few people. I hope I did not make them uncomfortable. But if I have, the best I can do is give them space.