diyanah10

[diyanah10]

anxious,

i feel very uncomfortable on the nights before work. i get stressed just thinking about having to go in early, i get genuinely upset when i think about who I have to engage with. i went home everyday last week feeling stupid and useless. people keep saying it’s going to get better but i really don’t know how to get through until it gets better. it’s nice to have my support system out of work, but it’s mentally and emotionally draining to go through this 5 days a week. sometimes the past few weeks, i find myself thinking of bad thoughts. i don’t think i’ve ever really felt super uncomfortable being in my own skin. i talk softer at work, i start mumbling because i doubt myself every time i’m in that environment. someone told me to look past the people and see the intentions. i guess i could, but i find that i’m losing myself everyday at work. i just feel very helpless when i feel like this.

[diyanah10]

what if I'll never be good enough,

I have come to a point again, where I feel everyone has become stronger than me. I feel like I'm just lagging behind, trying to catch up with everything. sometimes i feel like the sends I've gotten is all from sheer luck or simply cos it was "made for me" in mind and everyone else finds it easy. i get largely disappointed at how inconsistent i am with grades - it always goes back to "then just stronger" Cos too bad, it's just like that. There has not been a route i sent that is a 3/4 pie where i have not heard someone say it's "soft". it gets on you. So, maybe everything i can accomplish right now is just easy for average people. Then im never really confident to ever try every single potential grade i can do On the wall. Cause "is a solid 4" in my head translates as "probably beyond my grade". I guess is been slow ly eating me up. I've been doubting if that's really the grade - or is just soft.

people send 3s, here i am freaking out and spending 15mins on a 3pie route. Or, here i am struggling beyond words on a 2 pie - holding on cause idw to feel weak. but i let go and feel weak anyway. It's hard to be excited for something everyone else feels that is easy. it's hard to feel accomplished when it just feels like I'm the only one patting myself on the back.

[diyanah10]

thoughts,

suddenly remember those days where i would sit infront of the computers at work and try to rack my brain - “How do I tell someone that this is their best?” “How do I tell the family members that the functional decline is part of the curve?” “What more can I give?” Palliative cases. I would get very bothered by them, because i’ve never enjoyed speaking to families. I never knew how to approach the topic without being overly straightforward or apathetic - even though i empathise a lot. Mel Heng was my RO, she was the person that threw the question back at me when I asked something. similar to meltan but somehow different.

One of the days after my MC/AL, she came to me and said “Do you think Mr Heng will improve functionally? Did you think about his past medical hx - doesn’t he have cancer?” Truly, i didn’t realise that. I knew it was a past medical hx but it didn’t occur to me that his functional drop was due to the cancer. i thought of things very simply - “He went for chemo, they didn’t really talk about it. He must have gotten better, it was prostate cancer after all. He had a fall, he was very unlucky to have broke his rib.” I thought it was normal ageing. then mel asked me “Didn’t you think his fall was very sudden? He was just switching off the lights.” At that moment, I really had a sudden realisation. “Ya. it’s very off”. Went home and read up about cancer trajectories, then I told mel the next day “So i can’t do much?” and she told me “You can ask him what he wants”

You know, it’s easy in school when they say that. it is what it is, it’s discussing goals. but when you’re standing at the end of the bed and you look at this man - all he wants is to walk like he used to. and he has nasal prongs on him, he has barely eaten, he’s breathless and chesty. I went to see him the same day mel asked me to discuss goals with him. I came back to her very defeated I would say, because i literally asked him “Mr Heng, what would you like to achieve with my sessions?” and when he said to walk like he used to - i was very resigned. i didn’t know how else to continue the conversation.

I remember sitting next to mel - feeling very paiseh and I asked her “How? I’ve never done this before. I don’t know how to tell someone that they can’t be as good as they used to.” then she laughed. she told me not to say that to anyone. then she said “What about you give him scenarios, and explain to him that even for him to get how he used to, it will take a long time. Ask him is he okay to compromise? Ask him if he only has a few months left, what is the most important thing to him.”

I spent 15-20mins with him the next day. His wife wasn’t at the session. He told me he just wanted to get around on his own - he didn’t want to feel like his independence was taken away if he went back home. I asked him if he was open with the OT exploring with him wheelchair (motorised?). I told him that having a wheelchair doesn’t mean he can’t walk, it’s just another way to get further. I told him he could still walk 10-20metres, but on less good days - at least he could still get around. He nodded, then he smiled and told me he used to play chinese chess. So I had a bet with him, i’d learn how to play chinese chess over the weekend. and he just laughed (i bet he didn’t expect me to). i did learn how to play over the weekend, i played with him once - he told me i sucked. he got another round of pneumonia and eventually passed...

mel heng taught me a lot about functional/life trajectories. she taught me to understand and work about it appropriately. she taught me to prepare families for it. and she would always ask me “how did that go?” the next casual and very melheng reply “see, it wasn’t that bad!”

and yet, this lady still looks out for me at work - past geri. “Mel, take me back to geripls. i cannot anymore. I cannot see anymore CP cases, I hate it.” this was me a few days before getting quarantined. i’m back in the clean team - and i know melheng played a big part of getting us out. she also checked up on me during QO - one of the people i never expected to drop me a text. i mean, i told her i was on QO because she is STILL my RO. but she rly didn’t have to follow up.

i have learned so much from this lady. you’re amazing. you will never see this. but i hope when my future self reads this, i will be reminded who nurtured me in my pall and geri care. the person who threw her newbie into a respi and private ward and said “can one.” the person who then said sorry and gave her newbie 3 towers to run around with. you’ve made me believe in myself, made me trust myself - “school teach you for what? NO NEED PRECEPT. DIYANAH WILL SEE THE ORTHO CASE.” i miss all of mel’s roll calls T^T 

“So..today....you all will die but you will survive.”

“HAHAHAHA, OKAY WE HAVE ROLLED OVER 16 CASES. WE WILL SURVIVE.”

“Diyanah, isit you too short?” “Good morning to you too mel.” @ 830am

i miss geri, i miss my favourite team lead ):

[diyanah10]

journey,

Been in the High Risk Team for 3 weeks. I would say, the first week of this was one of the worst weeks i’ve had at work in my career so far. I’ve always fed off people’s energy, as much as i’ve been told i rub off people too. Being isolated has made a little bit sian about going to work. it’s not the people in the team - i’ve gotten used to most of them. but, i was definitely pushed to be more tolerable of people. i feel like i’ve grown up in the past 3 weeks. i’ve been made to learn that it’s okay to not follow directives - if there’s a reasonable reason to it. i’ve learnt to not let people’s direct opinion on my life affect how i continue to live it despite the circumstances. i’ve learnt that it’s okay to breakdown because i’m upset. i’ve learnt that the people who care will be there for you no matter what. i’ve also learnt that i’ve become very good at putting up a front - and keeping my judgements to myself until i meet my close friends.

and through all this, i have to admit that MJ has been my rock. she’s listened to all my rants, complaints and opinions on what has been going on at work. she’s been by my side through the days i’ve felt so lousy about myself and the situation. she’s turned up on days when she really didn’t have to - especially meeting me after my Saturday shift. i had a really bad day - 12 patients, 6 times in full PPE with 80mins in full PPE doing chest PT. I took off the goggles, and I had it but i still had like 8 patients left. honestly, it’s days like this that social support is ever so important. So, thank you for coming down to Yishun on your rest day to eat laksa and cake with me. it’s the little things that make it less dreadful. 

I also managed to send a 4pie project i was honestly so desperate to finish but was also very close to giving up. This MJ, lead up the route and brushed every single hold for me. I know i’m not over her, as much as that there has been progress. i know she’s doing it because she’s my friend and she just really wants me to succeed. but times like this, makes it a little harder to let it go - which then hurts a lot more. i’ve learnt to not be so needy. it still hurts, especially because we’ve become so close and i know she just sees me as a friend/sister. i hope one day, i’ll feel the same. 

well, i’d still choose the friendship over anything because i’d rather not lose all of it. 

I’ve ran out of feels to type - whoops. 

[diyanah10]

Reflections at work

Today I had my TPM with Melheng and Bala. Today I’ve learnt abit more about myself from someone else, and somehow that’s a very interesting way of doing things. Mel started it off with saying that I’ve been managing my load well for someone who just came back from studies, and she thought i eased into it very easily. Then she proceeded to say that my documentation has been of good standard and she sees that there’s thought put into the analysis. She then mentioned that she personally feels that I’ve been performing above fresh grad level. Melheng has always been someone i looked up to. Somehow receiving validation from her meant a lot. We then moved to self reflection and throughout the TPM she kept repeating that she never felt the need to find me and review a case because she felt that I’m a self reflective learner and it has always remained consistent. And that she knows if I need help, I will find her or the seniors to ask for help on my own. And I was waiting for the longest time for her to do a mini cx or audit documentation with me - but I didn’t realise that she’s been doing it all along. She also looked at me and said if there’s any external courses - we will KIV you now too. It’s truly the little things that make it better. After that we moved to competencies and she talked about how she finds me to go out of my way to engage and treat my patients. But to me, that’s optimal care. It was something I’ve always said I would do - meaningful and patient centric rehab. Mel then said “I can always count on her to get things done. And I always know she will help the team when she can.” Apparently I’m always okay with going multiple towers and adaptive to ward coverage. “If i tell her tomorrow she change ward, she will still take it in her stride” She also said something that truly i never thought about. “You have very...good work ethics and it’s something i know you just do. But... you have a way of rubbing it off people to do the same. It’s different from you going around telling people to be better. It’s really nice to have that around.” My favourite part was talking about strengths and weaknesses. “You’re very.... clinical about this” “I don’t really know what else to put.” Then mel typed objective as my strengths. So at the end of the whole TPM, i asked her what does she mean by that. “HAHAHAH. Hmm is like if i went to say Diyanah go do this but very vaguely with no reason - you won’t do it or you will just acknowledge and still not do it. But if i tell you to do something with a good reason, you will internalise it and if you know it is beneficial, you will do it” Mel also mentioned that she was quite keen to see me work with others to notice my strengths and weaknesses. She said she feels that I haven’t been pushed enough to identify my weakness. I laughed and said yes, I’ve been very comfortable in geri. Self reflection over.

[diyanah10]

adulting,

nobody can really prepare you for this. somehow it feels more tiring than previously. i don’t remember feeling burnt out last year. i don’t regret this career choice, but i didn’t think i would feel so sick of human contact. i’m so tired of being around people. i guess today was a good timeout. it’s not going to get better, and i really wish it would. i think i need to identify a coping mechanism.

[diyanah10]

That even in the dark we can find a way out

So, tell me how to be in this world Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt Tell me how ‘cause I believe in something I believe in us Tell me when the light goes down That even in the dark we will find a way out Tell me now 'cause I believe in something I believe in us

it’s really difficult to pull myself away from this. because, somehow i can’t get rid of that tiny hope that we might happen. and i’m still holding out. and when i try to pull myself away from being romantically attracted to you, it genuinely hurts. i don’t know to do this because i’ve been so out of it for so long. and i still actively try to make time for you because it makes me happy when i see you which helps esp being thousand of miles away from home.  i miss you. i miss watching your eyes light up when you’re amused at me. i miss your dumb antiques. i miss the train rides. i miss climbing with you. i know once you start physio school. it’d be less time together. hell, we’d have less time when i start working. might be good for me though. 

[diyanah10]

favourite human

hey babe, i miss you. i miss climbing with you, snapping at you cause i’m tired or pissed at a route. i miss hugging you. i miss drinking with you. sometimes i feel like i haven’t seen you for a month, but is only been two weeks. i realised that you actually wore jeans for sending me off. isit bb bothered to dress nicely? no lah, actl she scared cold right? that’s why wear jeans and hoodie but wear slippers. i love you, and i truly miss you. would fly you here if i could. thank you for tumbling into my life. thank you for existing. because i’ve never been so honest with someone and still have her by my side through it all. and you’ve truly been nothing short of amazing. i don’t know what i’d do without you now, it has come to that point. sometimes i wish something would change, and you’d fall for me. but, i do i really want that though. don’t know if i’d ever let you read this. i might. just because i’m that comfortable with you.

love you babe. miss you. 19/4/19 

[diyanah10]

I’ve been getting closer to you, and it feels great. It genuinely feels real, the sparks are real. I’ve never really felt like this before. Similar, but not like this. I’m so ready to wait on you, to be there for you. There was a point in my life where I was like that to almost everyone, and i completely stopped. Because I didn’t feel there was a need. You bring out the parts in me that i enjoy most about myself. You embrace the imperfections and just go with it. I don’t know if you feel the same way, maybe you’re confused to what you’re feeling. I’m not too sure about that. Your body language tells me that you’re kinda into it too. But i dismiss it cause I’m really deep into this. Mel asked me what do i want out of this. I told her I’m okay with being in the grey area. And she told me that it’s not the nicest place to be sometimes plus I’ll probably get hurt. I know that, but there’s too much good in this for me to be okay with ruining it because I’d like to “try” it out. I guess i am afraid of losing her. I’m pretty sure people who read vibes have been suspecting something. I would. Which makes me aware that she doesn’t do certain things with the rest. Well, i said i wanted experience.

[diyanah10]

change

i’ve never been more thankful to God for somehow letting me fall in love with something i literally “winged it”. but ever since i took that chance, i’ve learn that every opportunity should be seized. many people would know my struggles in school. that average or below average kid. not many people believed in me either. it’s true that for people to believe in you, you need to believe in yourself first. ultimately, you are your biggest cheerleader. i don’t deny that. but it’s amazing how the people who have took their chance on me, have never faltered in driving me to better.

we all have that life-changing mentor. that pivoting moment at one point in our early 20s. and i love that i’ve had the chance of experiencing that, plus still being in touch. understatement of the year but let’s be honest, not many people get the luxury of being close to their mentors. in my batch at least. i think mel has pushed me to heights i never thought i was capable of. she has always pulled my head out of my ass when i get whiny or comfortable. she has never said “good job”, she’s just had my back since i was her mentee and i really couldn’t ask for more. really.

but, i miss practising physio sometimes. i miss seeing my popos and seeing their faces light up (half the time, the cute ones.) someone said to me that physio is my calling. i’d like to think so. i cannot be anymore grateful for the fact that this route fell to my lap and i took the damn chance. who knew? 

also, someone told me yesterday that i remind her so much of mel. and i’m like i mean both of us get the “you guys look alike” nonsense. so this lady told me is not just the physical appearance, it’s the vibes we both give and the way we talk. well, you did say i remind you of your younger self. cheers.

life has been weird. i need to take a step back from human contact for awhile.

[diyanah10]

of all people,

when i met you, you were all put together for a period of 10 minutes and you threw it out the window. i thought, “lol, this girl is so full of shit”. and, i have a very good habit of connecting with people who have loads of shit. i didn’t think much of it really. i mean, a quick thought of “i would totally date you if you were a guy.” did occur. but it was just one full shift together. i think i only acknowledged my attraction to you after the day i climbed with you. it’s when i find your actions endearing, and you look cute to me when you laugh. you’re always cute to me when you show me stupid memes or make your own jokes and just start laughing uncontrollably to yourself. 

i don’t know what i’m doing. i think i’m crazy. but i enjoy my time with you,  enjoy learning from you and your shit load of nonsense. when you started thrash talking me yesterday and i was just like “mmmmkay.” and you’re just “you’re really done. cause usually you will come up with something else and whatever that comes out of your mouth is thrash.”

“Go home, or stop climbing. your body is done. you’re doing nonsense” 

“MJ, did you see that right foothold?” “no!! i was tired.” “i was wondering why you didn’t put your foot there, then nek minnit you’re throwing.” “you can read betas now!” 

what have i gotten myself into. but, it feels nice. cheers.

[diyanah10]

it’s been awhile,

Oh the climb's always harder than the fall 

That's all, that's all I get so tired of this place but I'm never tired of you 

There's always another angle and another point of view 

Say you'll stay even when I hit the wall 

you’re so different, yet similar. i told myself i wouldn’t go for it, but here i am clearly hoping and trying. you make me smile with your dumb-ness, yet you’re so put together and well spoken. it really doesn’t help that you’re tactile. but i guess what Rachel said is true. if things go that way, i need to be the bigger person and say no. because i can’t give hope. because i’ve said time and again, i wouldn’t commit to things that i can see an expiry date on. dammit, you make it really difficult though. ugh. you’re such a gem.

[diyanah10]

Reflections

“It is to enable well being. And well being is about the reasons one wishes to be alive.” 

Almost a year ago, my CE made me appreciate the importance of patient centered care. I remember struggling to formulate something, to understand the idea of it. I told her that I found it difficult, I felt that simply asking what they would like to do wasn’t enough. Over the five months of working, I’ve come to realise that getting to know your patients a little bit better would give you so much more to work with. This book has truly given me a new perspective on how my job impacts others. It’s not always about getting someone to walk, get stronger or relief pain. It’s so much more than that. And this book couldn’t have summarised it any better. There’s so much life that comes with our profession. I love it. 

Yes, I complain the pain of social issues and the lack of team work at times. But that’s work, that’s life. Maybe it’s my innate nature to love helping people that I’ve come I love this job so much. I used to be Super awkward when I had to converse with the elderly. I used to be genuinely afraid to approach people. This profession has not only made me overcome all these shortcomings, it’s given me such a new perspective on life. My Sister occasionally asks me why do I get so excited over my stroke patients and why do I not feel sad about it? I told her that it’s just perspective and someone has to be the optimist. I have also experienced the rush of emotions when I get attached to my patients. But we can’t be getting attached to each patient, it’ll be tiring. 

Recently, my colleague told me that extroverts feed off the energy of others. And that is extremely evident at the workplace. Whatever happens after 5pm is recharging for ¾ of us. The screaming, running and teasing in office while our big bosses just let us be children. It’s honestly what makes my workplace feel like home. I love my colleagues, drama of 2018 aside. Sometimes I find myself wondering what if Mel was never my supervisor. I remember being so annoyed getting YCH as a placement. But I realised, God planned it for me. And yes, mel has changed my career path for sure. Emma is so pleased with herself because she called it that I’m someone who’d end up in inpatient. My friends tend to cringe when I say I love neuro but dear Rachel told me she can see me loving neuro just because it’s a challenge. And she sees me as someone who loves challenges. When I try to explain why neuro is so interesting, they tell me it’s difficult. And there’s so many many things to take note of. But friends, it’s fucking rewarding. And you basically use all the knowledge you slog through school for. If I still have my MSK skills with me, neuro is that fun.

[diyanah10]

little wonders,

this very very overused photo. at that point, i’m not sure about mel but i have never thought we’d be close friends. i never thought we’d have heart to heart talks. 

“i show my affection by being mean. you should know that by now”

i’m coming to an end of my acute neuro rotation. amidst all of the drama, i’ve found the rocks at work. i’ve grown to be a better person and physio. but what i learnt from this rotation was that, neuro has never bore me. i’ve been blessed to have steph as RO2, she’s been truly one of a kind. but i do know i’ve proven myself to be competent enough to have the backing of different seniors. i haven’t been religious lately, but i do attribute this to God’s will. and i am still grateful to Him.

mel. rachel. jac. jess. kaitlin. jovina. steph. sophia. hakim. ben. suyee. all these people who have helped me survive this crazy, hectic yet enriching 5 months. i’ve never been happier and more blessed to have met all these people. but shoutout to my older friends, you guys have taken it in your stride to befriend this whiny and loud kid who has self confidence issues. 

friends, you thought 5 weeks was long. have fun starting work. no pay leave and back to school soon! 

also charm, mel and I make a crazy trio. but i doubt i’ll ever regret introducing this two idiots. 

[diyanah10]

trust 🍐

i think we’ve come a long way. you’re a comfort to have around, you’ve always been so hard on me but yet you’re the one who constantly teach me. and the more we hang out, the more i realise that we are more alike than we think. 

“trusty pair”, no judgements. 

[diyanah10]

how am i so incredibly blessed?

Totally didn’t expect this. the captain and friend i have utmost respect for. i expected her to be disappointed that i didn’t want to stay and fight. and that i was going to walk away from the team. from the people that got me through my ACL. i’ve been really mum about my football problems. and i do realise that emotionally, i haven’t been taking it well. i do miss trainings. and the biggest thing i’ve missed are games. it’s slowly eating me that i’ve allowed myself to fall back from rehab for months. i’ve let my motivation falter, i’ve let my competitive self fall short because of certain emotions i’ve felt.

i’ve felt that i will never be good enough to play. i’ve felt caged and bounded to something because of what i feel is loyalty. but God keeps dropping me hints to do something about it rather than sitting down and sulking about. Futsal kept me happy for awhile, then i realised that i do miss the field. that’s why i went back in the first place, that’s why i tore my ACL and still thought it was worth going back for. sadly HU isn’t giving me the room for that growth and love at the moment. i’ve let my commitment fall off because i couldn’t keep fighting for a battle that would have me losing anyway.

i was tired of falling into failed expectations. i was tired of literally giving everything i had to a lost cause (for me). and yes, after a lot of thinking and talking. i’ve decided to step away from the place that has literally been Home for the past 2.5 years. i guess 2018 is the year of new experiences and taking multiple leaps.

Then there’s this lady. this lady, who without a doubt cares a lot for me. always mocking me but from her frowns and little gestures, it’s so her. the hard love she gives. she’ll never tell me i’m doing a good job yet when shit like me having to repeat L1 happens, she gets pissed. she gets genuinely annoyed for me. when i sprained my ankle and we communicated through non-verbal, because that’s what i have learnt to do around you. it’s this unspoken understanding that we get it, but there’s no need to say it out. it makes it so much easier to feel better without the need to pouring it out. i guess, we are truly avoiders at talking about feelings.

so blessed to have these 2 in my life.

[diyanah10]

always,

“Dinner tomorrow la”

i know you’ll always have my back. it’s funny how a lot of people find you unfriendly/scary and yet you’re the one who has always had my back since i started. with everything that has happened, i still find myself telling you when shit hits the roof. when i’m just so so done with work. 

thank you. for being one of the biggest influence.