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Today I'm feeling angry and hurt. No matter how much time passes these feelings keep sneaking up on me. I can go a while being okay then something brings these emotions up out of no where.
I didn't deserve most of what I went through.
I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was treated.
I didn't deserve people normalising that treatment to the point of becoming everyone's black sheep.
F you all. Everyone who had a hand, F you.
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I'm so bad at keeping up with journaling. Oh well, just a quick blurb. It's Christmas season. Time to start working on my playlists and actually finish my damn website.
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This post is being written specifically for one person who wants to raise their credit score, but for two reasons I decided to put it in blog form.
First: So it's easy for them to refer back to it as needed.
Second: So the info might possibly help others.
Topic: How I went from a 523 credit score to a 736 (and still climbing)
I AM NOT AN EMPLOYEE OF ANY OF THE COMPANIES LISTED IN MY BLOG. I AM NOT A LICENSED CREDIT REPAIR SPECIALIST AND AM SIMPLY SHARING THE STEPS I DID TO BOOST MY SCORE AND TIPS I'VE PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.
Ok so the very first thing I did was get my free credit report. Currently due to Covid you can do this once a week.
Check over your reports to make sure there's no inaccurate information, and dispute anything inaccurate. This is a pausing point for MY journey, as other than one inaccurate collection my info was right. I disputed the collection and it was removed from my report.
I may not have had to deal with legitimate collections but I learned the other tools I DID use from the same groups who shared these tidbits regarding legitimate collections on your report.
Call up whoever you owe the money to and ask if they're willing to do a pay to remove. This means you pay them, and they take it off your report entirely. Not having it on there at all looks a lot better than having a paid collection on your account, because a paid collection... Despite being paid... Shows monetary issues that put a collection on your account. This step is not needed for accounts that closed in good standing (aka a car you paid off without late payments for example) and accounts that were NOT in collections actually help your score because it adds something called credit age.
If they agree to pay to remove, get the agreement in writing before you pay. This way, if they don't honor the agreement you can dispute the paid collection because you have documented proof of the agreement.
Pause over. Ok. Next I wanted to monitor my credit scores. Sadly, as I hadn't been using credit my FICO score was unavailable, and the Experian app was useless for me in the beginning. I started with monitoring my VantageScore using the Credit Karma app. Once my FICO finally unlocked, Experian became my favorite way to monitor my score as I'm aiming for homeownership (mortgage lenders tend to use FICO over VantageScore)
So the next thing you need to understand is something called "credit mix." If you want to raise your score, credit mix is important.
Revolving Credit: This is typically things like credit cards, store cards, etc. I know this can be frustrating as you get refused for credit without a good credit score, but having revolving credit is needed to raise your score. I'll come back to this later as this type of credit is a bit more evolved than the next.
Installment Credit. These would be loans paid over time. Mortgages, car payments, and personal loans for this category. To raise my score relatively quickly I had two going at the same time. There are self loan programs available to people trying to build credit, even with low scores. The one I use is:
This is the plan I opted for to ensure I could pay it each month on time
There is another company that does something similar. I tried signing up for it so I'd have two lines of installment credits, but sadly they could not verify my address. I therefore have no reviews for it.
They apparently now have a revolving credit option as well, but again, I have no experience with Credit strong.
For my second installment I opened something called a secured loan through my credit union. I put 300 dollars in my savings account, which got locked (I can't access that money until the loan gets paid off) and they placed the 300 I was borrowing into my checking account. I added enough money to cover the interest of the loan to my checking account and have been (still am) letting the money sit there, while my loan payments autopay from that checking account. Viola! Don't have to worry about it! (Tbh I also deposited enough money to cover my self inc payments and have that checking account autopay my self as well, so I never have to worry about a late loan payment)
Back to revolving credit: for revolving credit I wanted three lines. I also strongly wanted to avoid store cards as they usually have ridiculous interest, and how you can spend your credit is highly limited. So these are the lines I went with
1-
While not a credit card, it counts as revolving credit. Idk how, but that was their claim, I tried it, and sure AF it shows up on my credit reports as a revolving line. It's currently $5 a month for new users (not bad at all if you wanna raise your credit) but I signed up before the price increase. The downside is that they report to Experian and Equifax. They do NOT report to TransUnion and my scores do reflect that. My TransUnion FICO is sadly only 685 compared to my Experian 736.
2- This one worked out perfectly as I wanted to leave my checking account at the credit union ALONE so I didn't accidentally spend my loan repayment money. A new way to bank AND build credit? Yes please!
3- This is where it gets a bit more complicated. My score was too low for a regular credit card so as you probably guessed, I did a secured credit card. This is the company I'm using
Now I'm going to be honest, to build instead of hurt your credit score with actual credit cards, it's like a dance and you need to get the steps right.
First we'll discuss CREDIT LINE. This is the highest amount of money you can spend on your card. So as I opened a $300 secured card, I'm only allowed to spend a max of 300 on that card, thus my credit line is $300.
Next, utilization. This is the percentage of your total credit line that you've spent. So if I spend $90, the utilization is 30%
Now moving on to DATES. Almost everyone is familiar with a pay-by date. That's the date you pay the balance of your card by in order to avoid interest. There is however another important date that occurs around 28 days before your pay-by date, and that's your closing date. Your closing date is when your credit card company looks at how much you owe, close that statement to prepare your bill, and report utilization to the credit bureaus.
I only have one actual credit card since Chime and Kickoff don't operate like typical cards. I was able to call OpenSky and permanently set my closing date for the 4th of each month, with a pay-by date of the 7th the following month. This means my money spent before my closing date for August wouldn't be due until September 7th. It just made it easier for me to keep track of BOTH dates.
I've heard so many rumors as to the best way to build credit with credit cards. The one I chose to try, that has worked for me is this method:
Two-three days before my closing date I pay my credit card down to 1-5% utilization. On a $300 dollar credit line this equals 3-15 dollars. Typically I pay it down to a nice even $5. Having at least some money still owed on my card shows creditors that I'm actively using my card. Having my utilization in the 1-5% range shows I'm using it responsibly, and not overextending myself. I then pay off my remaining balance two days after my closing date just so it's paid and I don't need to worry about it later.
I also don't bring my credit card anywhere with me. It stays home so I'm not tempted to use it for stupid B.S. I use my credit card to autopay smaller bills such as my Experian protect account, Photobucket, Kickoff, Amazon Prime, and my Internet bill. As I use it for those, I don't even have to handle my card beyond setting up the autopays. Plus, it's being used for bills I would pay anyways. NEVER TREAT IT LIKE EXTRA MONEY.
Once I had my two installment loans and my three lines of revolving credit I locked my reports with all three credit bureaus (Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion). This means no new lines can be opened because say you (or an unauthorized person) tries to open a new credit card, the credit card company cannot view your report or scores, and will therefore deny you. This protects me from unauthorized people opening things in my name AND protects me from companies looking at my shit without my express permission. In fact I have to specifically unlock my reports when it's time to sign for my mortgage.
OTHER THINGS YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF IF TRYING TO BUILD CREDIT
A- In the beginning your score will actually DROP, by a LOT. Before getting my current credit card I had applied for a secure credit card through another company and was denied. The hard pulls drop your score, just them looking at your report/score to see if they want to approve you is a hard pull. So I had hard pulls from the other company, OpenSky, AND my credit union for the secured loan... THEN my score dropped MORE for the new accounts (credit card and loan). As disheartening as this is, hard pulls tend to fall off your score in about three months or so. At my four month mark my score was already higher than when I started.
B- Make sure you pay everything ON TIME. The credit cards and loans are obvious, but even rent/mortgage, bills, etc. You DON'T WANT ANY NEW ACCOUNTS GOING TO COLLECTIONS.
(Side Note: I personally feel this is the most bogus part of credit. A landlord doesn't have to report on-time rent payments, and most don't, to actually raise your score. Electric companies don't report on time payments, medical, Internet, etc. On time payments? Thanks for your money but we aren't reporting shit to the bureaus. But you make a late payment and they turn around and hurt your credit. I personally wish there was a law in place that only allowed companies to send collections to credit bureaus if they report on time payments as well. That's my mini rant)
C- Once you have a good score, your next step is making sure your debt to income ratio (DTI) is below 43% (But under 30% is better). There are a lot of calculators you can use to check your DTI. Honestly, I use Experian since they already know all my debt. In the app it's under MORE then CREDIT SUMMARY. This gives you the best chance of being approved for a loan, be it mortgage, car, or even a personal loan.
D- If you are going for any sort of loan, don't hurt your chances of approval. Avoid big purchases and new credit cards until your loan is completely set. Not only because hard pulls and new accounts can hurt your credit score, but because they can raise your DTI. So in MY case I'm going for a house. I'm refusing credit card offers EVEN THOUGH I'm actually getting some really great offers now, and I won't be buying new furniture or a vehicle until after I've closed on my house. Even doing this after getting a pre-approval can hurt you as it's not SET until you close.
#credit#credit score#credit services#credit solutions#credit bureau#credit card#credit growth#credit report#credit restoration#credit repair#experian#transunion#equifax#kikoff
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Ok so situations are going on that may seem unrelated to this posts topic, but in a roundabout way it led here.
The topic: Distance.
So ultimately it's come to my attention that it's a common belief that if you love someone or care about them... You will not leave them. You won't vanish, or disappear. You won't stop talking to them. Why would you ghost someone you love?
While in THEORY this is a novel idea, it is the furthest belief from the truth I've heard in a while. There are PLENTY of reasons to ghost someone you care about... Or even love. I may miss a couple of reasons, but here are the ones I've PERSONALLY dealt with.
1) You need space to work on yourself. This is especially true in people dealing with mental health issues, trauma, and/or addictions. When your own mind is assaulting you, you really just need space to evaluate your own life, well-being, choices, etc. You need to step away and heal, grow, and curve things into taking care of yourself.
2) The person/people you are stepping away from are in self-destruct mode. You love them, but you've tried repeatedly to help them make better decisions and they prefer the destructive path they're on. Sometimes you just CAN'T watch those you love ruin their lives.
3) Addiction. What if the "ghost" is an addict of some sort? Alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling? No matter the addiction, you gravitate towards those with similar lifestyles and you DO build connections to them on an emotional level. So what happens when you decide to STOP? YOU choosing to be done does not mean they will. Sadly, the best way to succeed is to distance from those still in that lifestyle. I still have love for my friends, but it took a LONG TIME to reach the point I'm able to talk to friends still in the shit without risking falling back into it.
4) Abuse. I know I know, your first thought is probably one of those ads showing an angry man with a fist standing in front of a crying woman...
ALERT: IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PLEASE CALL THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE AT 800-799-7233 OR TEXT "Start" TO 88788
... but abuse comes in many forms. You can love someone who is abusive to you, or if you prefer the term "toxic." This does not mean you are obligated to stay and allow the mistreatment to continue.
So going into some personal details on each of these points.
1) In 2011 I went insane. They say "the crazy don't realize they're going crazy." I promise this is not always true. I knew. I could feel the icy fingers of insanity digging into my brain, I was hearing and seeing things that weren't there, I was begging any and all God's who ever existed to not let me wake up in the morning, I was bawling each morning I woke up because I was still alive. I almost did the unthinkable and irreversible. I have depression and anxiety as it is, but a super traumatic event had pushed me over the damn edge. I NEEDED to get away, to get someplace without constant reminders of my trauma. I also needed space from people. Some meant well.. but would say the wrong thing. Some people would say or ask something not knowing about the trauma. Some people who KNEW what I had gone through would INTENTIONALLY use that trauma to HURT ME FURTHER (some family AND "friends"), and some people didn't know what to say at all. That absence while they were geographically so close to me made me feel even more alienated. By putting distance between me and all the people previously mentioned, both geographically AND figuratively, I was finally able to heal a bit. I'll never be quite the same, and the emotional scars will linger for life, but they are now SCARS instead of bleeding wounds.
2) So many people I cared for were on super destructive paths. Yes, some due to drinking, some due to drugs, some due to neither of those. I tried helping but they wanted to continue their paths. The addicts kept using, the alcoholics kept drinking, not one but THREE people I cared about opting to cling to abusive partners, so many talented people full of potential opting to fade into obscurity. I could not stand to watch. It's as simple as that.
3) Yes, I have a past I'm less than proud of. I got into drinking and drugs. I can't even say I fully stopped everything all at once. Ironically the first thing to stop was the drinking. That was easy for me. I went to the bars on my 21st birthday and suddenly drinking was less fun to me. I went from drinking almost daily to a beer here and there or a party for special occasions. But there were still the drugs. I stopped the pills and harder drugs next, and this is where I had to withdraw from others I cared about. I still care about them. I celebrate those who also got clean, and continue hoping the rest do as well but I needed to get and stay clean. This meant I couldn't be around those who weren't. And in case you're wondering, I even gave up the weed AND drink even less now (MAYBE a drink a year, IF THAT). I have finally reached a point where I'm not afraid of a relapse just by being around people who use, but I won't risk my sobriety by being around WHILE IT HAPPENS.
4) ohhhhh boy this one is a doozy. Abuse, toxicity, etc. Without saying names or giving identifying information I'll say I experienced a lot of mistreatment as a kid within my family. It's not something that I've often talked about but now for several reasons I feel even less ALLOWED to, but it was there. Some of it was minor BS, some was medical neglect, a lot of emotional abuse, and a few instances of physical abuse. That's sadly all I can really say on this matter.
HOWEVER what I can discuss more freely is the way my "friends" treated me. I'm honestly an idiot for still caring about some of them but it is what it is.
So I've had "friends" flat out lie literally out of NOWHERE such as saying they had slept with me when I was still a virgin, or one "friend" telling my boyfriend I was cheating on him with said "friend" (thank goodness I WAS ABLE TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE IN THESE CASES)
I've had "friends" take a truth and over-exaturate until it became a lie.
I've had "friends" tell me it was my fault I got assaulted, or cheated on.
I've had "friends" cheat with my partners.
I've had "friends" accuse me of so many things I didn't do, and in some cases WOULDN'T do.
I've had "friends" talk shit behind my back.
I've had "friends" use me as an emotional punching bag, treating ME like shit to make themselves feel better when other things in their lives are going wrong (like one person I considered to be one of my best friends treating me like crap because his girl left him, and when I actually said something about it -which back then almost never happened- him telling me after what his ex did he was entitled to treat women however he wanted... Even though I was the only female around that he treated that way)
I've had "friends" accuse ME of someone else's doings (one example was going to an overnight party. Yes, I was the only female at the party. At some point after the party a condom was found. Idk if some of the bi men had fun at the party, or if the condom got there sometime before or after, but my "friends" WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME when I told them that I did NOT sleep with _guy they accused me of sleeping with_ or ANYONE ELSE. I was still at that time a VIRGIN)
So many times I wished I had a hidden camera. Hell.. I STILL want them to be honest. That's one of the many things I look forward to about having a house, security cameras. I am so used to being accused of shit I DIDN'T do that I want cameras so I have videographic proof. I am already in the habit of saving voicemails, call logs, text messages, etc. I try to keep proof of my day to day life because between family, "friends," and ILs I'm paranoid of what I'm going to be accused of next.
Hell.. I even refuse to get rid of an old cellphone I no longer have service on because it's the last phone I tried calling someone from, so if anyone accused me of not even trying to reach out to a certain someone I have the PROOF in my call logs that I DID in fact try to call her. I sadly lost my other phones that I used to try to reach out over the last decade or so, but as I had found out she was saying I wouldn't talk to her I made damn sure to keep the last phone to prove that it was HER who had refused.
Think about this. I hoard evidence of my innocence. Even without necessarily knowing what I'll be accused of next, I keep what I can. WHY is this even necessary?! Why did the people I cared about and/or LOVED put me in this spot?
Now you might think I'm talking about a small number of REALLY bad friends but the truth? This was most of them. Not all, but a VERY large number.
When my husband met my friends... One of them tried talking shit about me TO MY HUSBAND. "Yeah I don't want to hear about your musical tastes. You married RAYNE." When my husband asked what his wife has to do with musical taste the "friend" responded "If you married Rayne, you don't have taste."
Later my husband asked me why I was friends with these people, and I started getting into what I adored about each one. And then he said something that made me freeze a moment before asking what he meant.... "But they treat you like shit". In response to "what do you mean" he started rattling more things that he had noticed in two hours, than I had noticed in YEARS. I had accepted it as normal, after all this has been normal for me since early childhood. And then he said something I hadn't heard before.. that I deserve better.
I didn't make my decision lightly. I honestly reflected on his observations, then realized he was right. What's worse was when reflection revealed the pattern I was stuck in.
It started in early childhood. A cousin broke a window and put the blame on me, everyone believed him. A cousin stole a donut and blamed me, I got to eat dishsoap for lying when I said who had really done it. A cousin was brought to a super fun place while I got left behind. A cousin stole a golfball from me I had found outside, and I got in trouble for tattling even though it was the only toy I had access to.
My "friends" at school all turning against me when one girl decided she didn't like me because I was annoying or weird (try autistic), my "friends" turning against me when a friend in the group molested me and how dare I say that about such a great guy, no apologies when that same guy molested another girl in our group but she had SO MUCH love and support. A friend going after almost every crush I had. A friend turning a crush into a joke by convincing me she was dating him, then laughing as she told him in front of me that I had a crush on him so she pretended she was dating him just to get to me.
By the time I had a new group of "friends" I was so used to the treatment that I was thrilled that it was mostly good in the beginning, but when I was wronged I stayed quiet. When I was accused of something I didn't do I would try to say I didn't do it, then give up. The less I stood up for myself, the more of a target I became. Eventually you had people who knew I was an easy target, then you had people who started doing the same WITHOUT REALIZING simply because it was "the norm". Eventually it was just.... Bad. And eventually it wears you down and while you know XYZ isn't true, you start to believe you did SOMETHING to deserve it.
And I did. I did do something to deserve it. I allowed it to happen.
That's why now I DON'T. Even people who didn't treat me like shit, I had to step away from because they were still so involved with the people who DID that I couldn't be around them if I wanted to avoid the others.
Now I am reaching out to people I care about, as further reflecting has shown me the pattern to avoid, now that I'm willing to speak up, now that I hoard information about my day-to-day activities so I can combat bullshit, etc. Now that I know EVEN MORE what made me an easy target. Sadly? Some of the people I'm reaching out to WERE the same people who weren't great friends to me because I still care. Some of the people are people I stepped away from to avoid their friends. But the ones who hurt me are going to need to realize I'm not the same girl who used to let them hurt her. It's going to be a learning curve for them to be sure.
Anyways yeah. I stepped away from people -friends AND FAMILY- who were toxic to my well-being, not because I stopped caring about THEM... but because the time had come for me to start caring about MYSELF.
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Today's topic: POLITICS. Yep! I'm jumping head first into muddy waters! Second post (other than a share) and I opt to discuss politics of all freaking things 🤔
Ah. Well. I saw a saying I LOVE and absolutely agree with. "Two wings, same damn bird" When it comes to our government this is truth. I love my country, but hate the government. It hasn't been FOR THE PEOPLE in so long I wonder if politicians even remember they're supposed to be working for US.
But.. despite choosing politics as my chosen discussion of the day, I don't want to focus on a bunch of wrinkly old people comparing sizes in the white house. I want to talk about the voters. Specifically the stances typically associated with each party and where exactly I stand. Why? Because without a bit of context, future discussions will confuse you.
I'm a Centrist. I get emails from Trump's party and Biden's party daily because I signed a petition to protect gun laws, and a petition to protect abortion access. I'll give my opinion on a topic, and one side or the other will believe I'm one of them only to feel betrayed when I agree with the other side on a different topic (or piss off BOTH sides if I say "you're both being crazy because XYZ")
When it comes to my political views, there are certain areas I agree with Democrats 100% (one example: Abortion access should be legal, safe, accessable, and legally protected. All medical decisions should be made between a patient and their doctor, with emphasis being placed on the patients wishes).
There are certain areas I agree 100% with Republicans (one example: Medications and vaccinations should not be legally forced on anyone, this includes requiring them for employment, housing, education, or recreation access. All medical decisions should be made between a patient and their doctor, with emphasis being placed on the patients wishes)
There are areas I think both sides are a little in the wrong, and a little in the right (one example: Trans rights. I want way more trans rights than the Right would be comfortable with, but DO AGREE that the Left is taking certain aspects TOO FAR.)
I think BOTH sides are being hypocritical. BOTH sides scream "My body, my choice" on the subject choice of their political party, then want to force or deny that choice on the other party's topic, then claim "Well it's different, because MY topic is about MY body, what THEY want to choose effects other people"
For anyone wanting more details on those examples, those are future blog posts for another day. Consider THIS post a precursor of things to come.
Because my opinions are all over the place politically I wanted to give a heads up and brief explanation. Hope it helps!
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I love timezones
In England it’s 12PM, in Germany it’s 1PM and in the U.S it’s 1953.
Fuck you, SCOTUS.
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Ok so I'm finally crawling a bit out of the dark. I can't believe I've spent over 10 years in hiding. One complication I've noticed of my "reappearance" is how often the people I've reached out to seem surprised... Not by my sudden contact but by the amount of changes and transformations I've undertaken in my time "away."
Allow me to cut through the B.S. and reintroduce you to... Well?.. ME
I'm not the girl I once was. Non-confrontational, apologetically socially awkward, people pleasing even to my own detriment, switching between a walking mat and an emotional punching bag. That girl died. And a lot of people are to blame for that.
Now: I WILL stand my ground. A simple difference of opinion? Fine, I'll discuss and try to see your POV but don't expect me to change mine.
I'm still socially awkward, only now that I have ANSWERS as to WHY I am the way that I am, I'm unapologetic. I'm not weird, lazy, or broken. I'm autistic. And before anyone comes at me belittling self-diagnosis (which BTW is valid for so many reasons, but that's a future blog post) I have an actual medical diagnosis from a licensed professional.
I'm not a people pleaser. I have my own life and responsibilities to handle, I'm DONE stunting my own life to help people who just wanna TAKE. I'm no longer a walking mat, though I WILL be there the best that I can without hurting myself for those I care about.
And emotional punching bag days? LONG GONE. Find someone else because now I bite back.
Storytime:. Once upon a time there was a naive girl who believed that no human was evil. Every human had the ability to do evil deeds, and every human had good in them.
And then she met someone who changed that. She began to realize that demons and devil's walk among us in human skin, and started noticing more evil deeds committed against her by those she was supposed to be able to trust.
One truly evil person, and several transgressions from other people later the girl broke. She ran away to lick her wounds, reassess her life, and stayed gone for close to 14 years. What emerged was a less open, untrusting armored version of her past self. The end?
My story is just beginning.
Now I'm not a horrible person. I still care. I care enough to reach out to people, to want new friends as well, and to even wish I had a family outside my marriage (let's face it, my place in the family has been rocky for as long as I remember and only got worse once I grew up), I just can't sit by and LET people hurt, belittle, or betray me anymore.
That's it for now. This blog will allow you to get to know me more as I delve into other topics. This is just the base explanation of why I'm suddenly opinionated and protective of myself.
Til next time!
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