dmallpersonalblog-blog

[dmallpersonalblog-blog]

March 15 2019

Today was my first day of therapy. it was a nice change of events in my current headspace and a step in the right direction. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I needed help. That maybe I really couldn't do everything alone or in private. 

After my session my first immediate response was to eat a cheeseburger, and damn do i regret that. Greasy food and all that doesn't settle with me and I had to put in double the time at the gym to burn off the calories. But, i guess thats why they call it stress eating. The gym has been a good outlet lately for my stress and anxiety and all the sadness i’ve been sitting on for so long. A thing that I do want to change in regard to that is I find myself repeating either “Dancing in the Dark” by Joji, “Crying Over You” by Honne, or “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Honne. All good songs on their own, but just have a deeper personal feeling in regards to my mental health and this overwhelming feeling of sadness or missing my ex. Something I want to try and do is just refer to her as my ex versus her name. In essence ridding myself of her name so theres no hope of getting back together. But fuck. I do miss her. 

Back onto topic for today, my first instinct after my appointment (and cheeseburger)  was to put my chair back in the car and call my closest friends. I wanted to call my friend Monica, but with everything going on lately its just so hard to dial those numbers or to see the responses she sends me. It feels like she doesn’t even care anymore. I always though that our friendship was something that transcended time or the long periods of maybe not saying anything. I felt like i’ve been there for her when she needed it, but the one mental breakdown since HS, and she’s nowhere to be found. Its ok though, I’ll always have love for her and I want her to be happy especially if she found someone she can love also. It just hurts not being able to talk to someone that you need to.  

I really wanted to call Ashley today also but I know she has work. I sent her my previous post yesterday and I felt like she didn't really read it or acknowledge it. It’s okay though. Im sure she has life and work and her own shit going on. Something I need to realize is that everyone cant be your crutch or your lifeline and people have things they need too. I wish her the best.

The talk I had with Derek today was a bit hit and miss for me. I appreciate that he listens and lets me open up to him about stuff, but when he said that he doesn’t know or think depression medication is something he believes in or wants to do kinda upsets me. It was hard for me to open up about it, for as long as I can remember its always been a sign of weakness and its very hard to open up about stuff like that. It is what it is though, because I am getting help to benefit others and not everyone. Something thats new to me. Doing stuff for myself mentally. 

The best medicine lately has been talking to my friend Jessica. Originally I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone whose been over a recent breakup lately too and we could be sad and emo together and shit. But honestly its been a lot more than that. It is nice to talk to someone that gives a shit to be frank. Someone who acknowledges what I’ve been going though, someone who just thinks i’ll instantly get better with time and recognizes the work I’ve been trying to put in to better myself. When I called her she just seemed so proud of me that I took the step to see someone and better myself. She didn't make snide comments about needing possible anti depressants. She just made me feel safe and acknowledged. The only thing I can really hope for tbh. Definitely someone I can open up to and share my journey with and when it hopefully ends one day, we can both look back and smile because we got through it together. 

In regards to my therapy. I want to be more open and honest with my therapist. It felt like she knew what I was going through and had sympathy. She made me feel like I wanted a reason to live. A reason to keep on going. She told me to go easier on myself, something that I really want to do. I want to live for myself and not for others. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to let people know that i’m struggling so bad that sometimes I lay in bed and think that if I jumped off a cliff everything would be ok. I hate that it takes me forever to get out of bed because this paralyzing sense of fear and embarrassment creeps in and makes you hide under the covers and make you think about all the good memories you had in the past 4 year and replaces them with the love you thought you had sucking another dudes dick or laughing at you while she gets fingered by your ex bestfriend. Depression feels like getting a dick constantly jammed into your ear. It sucks and it hurts and why the fuck would you even want a dick in your ear. I hate that we broke up and I also hate the feeling that maybe I needed it to discover more about myself and my happiness. TBH I wasn't happy the past 8 months. I was only happy when I was with her, and thats something I need to change. To be happy on my own. But, i wish i didnt see that youtube search awhile back. Or to see her moving on with someone else, that would hurt way too fucking much.

Other than talking about myself and my issues, we talked about the term co-dependent and what that means. I feel like I was so codependent on her that it was hard to do things on my own. That i wanted to spend all the moments i could and when she wasn't able to, what was I supposed to do? I loved her so much and even after 4 years I loved her as much as our first time together, or our 1 year anniversary. Or just laying in bed kissing and promising our futures together. I love deeply and passionately and I don’t want to be ashamed of that. What is so wrong about loving your partner to the fullest? Caring about their future, and their well being and how they are doing. But recently, I feel like if i were to even go back into the dating scene I couldn’t. Hook up culture scares me. Sex without love scares me. Finding your “soul mate” scares me, because I dont even know what I want yet.

My therapist said that we did spend our first 4 years of our adult lives with each other and not knowing anything else really hurts you, especially with a clean break from each other. I just hope it gets easier with time. I’m hurting and it really shows.

I need a break from social media for awhile. I need a break from my feelings for awhile also. 

In regards to my mental health though... there are still a lot of days where I don’t want to do much and I do think about just ending it all. But I know i cant do that. I dont want my parents or relatives or friends deal with that and emotionally fuck them up. But, I also want a reason for me not to end my life and want to live versus wanting others to want me to live. I just need that reason. 

Im stressed out about finding a job. I feel like if it was hard to find one in CA, it might be even harder here. Im stressed out about my living situation. I just wish they wanted me here more, or that I didn’t feel like an nuisance or a bother. 

I wish I had more friends out here to hangout with or get a drink or just do something fun. Its been lonely if im being 100% honesty. I’m so grateful for my sister though, shes been helping me out so much. I love her so much and I just hope my mental health isnt fucking with hers. She deserves the world and more. 

Im glad i’ve been writing these blog posts to empty out my emotions and all those feelings. For the first time in a long time i’m hopeful for the future. 

ALSO; i’m nervous about anti depressants. Theres such a stigma towards them and I hope i don’t become reliant on them just like I was reliant on my ex. But, deep down I know i need them to be better and feel better. 

If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings and my hopes and sadness. I hope I can be a more contributing member to society one day.

[dmallpersonalblog-blog]

March 14 2019

First blog post!

Welp. Today sucks. 2 weeks ago today was the last time I talked to her. I miss her everyday. I miss how I feel when talk to her and I miss her laugh and her cute smile. I miss all those nights of us just cuddling and me whispering those cute nothings that made no sense. I regret a lot of things in my life but I sure as hell regret not trying my best with this one. I have a lot to learn and a lot to grow into.

I feel like I could have done a lot more to keep her and I could have done a lot more as a person. Sometime I find myself still crying in the morning or before bed. I find myself looking at her instagram and social media. I lost my motivation for things she didn’t like me doing, like playing video games or spending my time just numbing my brain. I find myself trying to improve myself by eating healthier and losing weight and getting my career on track so that I don’t fuck it up. I find myself really hating that i give up the second that it seems like its not working.

Sometimes, i’m grateful for all she has done for me. She was there when I needed her or I felt lost. I feel like she’ll be the greatest good i’ll ever get and I wont find someone that i’ve ever loved as much. Sometimes I feel like I could of done better and that she can do better than me. It just hurts so much when you love someone so bad and you want it all to workout and things just dont. I know in the back of my mind it wasnt a surprise but it still hurts for it to all come to fruition.

I know that we essentially didn’t have anything in common or our interests didn’t fully align, but I always thought that love would keep us together. I always thought as long as I did enough or loved her with everything I had, everything would be ok.

I honestly cant believe that i’m writing now. I felt like I lost my love for writing because of Laurel back in 2014. Back then I poured my heart out in those poems because I wanted someone to know how I felt or how much I cared for someone other than me. I’ve always felt like I’ve been a narcissist, and if i showed someone else that i cared then I could of proven to myself that i wasn’t. (How narcissistic right). Being made fun of online hurts a lot. I’ve always been a private person and for all your business to air out online really really SUCKS. I never wrote a blog post, a song, or a poem since then. Life is hard. I was embarrassing back then and still am now.

Back to topic… I have a lot to work on myself. Like how to be personally responsible, how to not rely on everyone too much, and how to be happy on my own. A word that Alycia said when we broke up was codependent. Codependency is a word that hurts, but its a word that I cannot be angry at. Because deep down I know it’s true. I really really want to just be happy, especially in my own mind. I want to be happy and I want to be on track for the future.

I really miss my friends back home. I wish it could be 2014 all over again and I was laying on my friend Ashleys chest just being comforted and welcome for once.

Being with Alycia gave me that same feeling, but every single time and second. She was my safety blanket and really hid me from the fucked up reality of the world. God, i really do miss her. I miss my parents too. I miss my friend Derek. I miss Chiddy.

The one thing that I can say is that this breakup has really uncovered for me is that I do need help. My first therapy session is tomorrow and im very nervous and im really excited. Im really excited to get help and take a step to be better, but im afraid that if its not a sense of “instant gratification” then i might give up again, and im afraid that this give up might be the last time.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I dont want to let everyone around me down but I also just dont want to wake up or live life. I wish things were simpler and that I tried that much harder in college or life in general really.

Im afraid that if i dont fix myself now no one or nobody can ever love me. That i’ll be alone and feeling this forever. Im afraid that the next person wont even be 1/2 the amount that Alycia was, or i’ll even be a quarter of what they even want. I hate feeling unlovable. I hate being sick in the head and sad all the time. I hate that its so hard to talk about my feelings with people or that nobody cares or has the time for it. I hate that im dependent on others. I wish my friends were back here so i could talk to them. I miss Derek a ton. His talks and attitude make me feel like I can get through everything. I miss Ashleys hugs and the feeling that she gives me, the feeling that I can get though anything because she believes in me.

I think I have a lot of deeper rooted issues than just the breakup and this is kinda exposing them crack by crack in my skin.

I dont feel loved.

I feel abandoned.

I feel like im not truthful about myself or to others because I hate feeling small.

I feel like I let everyone down.

I feel like im not good enough for anyone.

I feel like i want to die.

I feel like I can do better than what im doing.