dnadeadnotalive

[dnadeadnotalive]

CSB

c: i'm nothing special

n: you're very special! and we always had a good time and you've done plenty of meaningful things and made me happy. that's special enough for me

c: i've always treated you poorly

c: don't forget that

c: But I appreciate your kindness and friendship

n: not always, holding grudges doesn't get anyone anywhere. we r more alike than id care to admit and i appreciate that.

c: Hahahaha oh really how are we alike

c: Seems like you've thought about this

n: i've thought extensively about this

c: Glad you don't look at me as a mistake down your road of life haha

n:I mean, you weren't a mistake but you weren't like the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't regret most things because I always learn something.

n: And why we r alike is a convo to have in person. So if I come to Florida or u come to chicago (you're always welcome here btw) we can talk about that

c: Oh well I'm sorry. I have thoughts about this whole thing and I do feel bad about it

c: Shouldn't have ever hung out with you, it was wrong

c: I am interested to hear more about how we are alike

N: It was wrong over the summer but I think we were both just very hurt and angry. I think we r inherently good people dealt a shitty hand and there's no way in hell anyone can cope w the shit thrown at us

c: Agreed over the summer was wrong and unhelpful

c: I shouldn't have ever hung out with you back the first time

c: It was wrong and I apologize for it

n: Well we both wanted it and I don't regret meeting u. I'm not gonna Chris Hansen you don't worry

c: Hahahahaahaha

c: I still worry about that

n: The way it started was definitely wrong but it led to a nice relationship or friendship or whatever u wanna call it

n: statue of limitations will be up soon anyway so I couldn't if I wanted to

c: I have to agree with you, that we have just had. arough life and are doing our best with it

c: And I'm glad you have looked into the statue of limitations😅

c: So what's the overall conclusion you have come up with. We are good friends because we are both at our core broken? What's that mean for us

n: Lol I think we understand each other

n: and we understand each other's pain

n: And not many ppl understand other ppls pain

n: If I was crazy i would say we r meant to be together but I'm not that crazy

n: But I do have to admit I don't feel like we are finished

c: Hahaha yeah you'd have to be bat shit crazy to want to be with me

c: But I agree we do understand each other better than most people can

c: who knows what the future will hold for us

n: Oh don't say that. You're a great man and I believe that. But anyone can make mistakes. Call me sometime, I wanna hear more about your life down south and I wanna tell you about mine.

c: Sounds good I'll drink some beers and call you when I go out for a smoke

n: Alrighty

[dnadeadnotalive]

200814 spotify

Top artists -- Short Term (4 weeks)

The Lumineers

Taylor Swift

Del Water Gap

Harry Styles

King Los

Cage The Elephant

Post Malone

Childish Gambino

Juice WRLD

Paramore

Miley Cyrus

Drake

Arctic Monkeys

OutKast

The Weeknd

Hippo Campus

Halsey

Old Man Canyon

Mt. Joy

The Head and the Heart

Grateful Dead

The Neighbourhood

Top artists -- Medium Term (6 months)

The Lumineers

Taylor Swift

The Neighbourhood

Billie Eilish

Harry Styles

Cage The Elephant

Post Malone

Drake

Del Water Gap

Miley Cyrus

Paramore

Lorde

Noah Cyrus

King Princess

Halsey

Arctic Monkeys

Kanye West

King Los

Rick and Morty

M.I.A.

Hayley Williams

The Head and the Heart

Juice WRLD

Ariana Grande

Childish Gambino

Rainbow Kitten Surprise

One Direction

Mt. Joy

Nothing But Thieves

Of Monsters and Men

Lil Uzi Vert

The Weeknd

Hippo Campus

Twenty One Pilots

Kid Cudi

FINNEAS

Clairo

Langhorne Slim

Lana Del Rey

Glass Animals

Katy Perry

OutKast

YNW Melly

LANY

DaBaby

Doja Cat

Jonas Brothers

Rex Orange County

Britney Spears

Mac Miller

Top artists -- Long Term (years)

The Neighbourhood

Twenty One Pilots

Lorde

Halsey

The Lumineers

Paramore

Post Malone

Ariana Grande

Cage The Elephant

Arctic Monkeys

Del Water Gap

Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Taylor Swift

Vampire Weekend

The Head and the Heart

Harry Styles

Kanye West

Childish Gambino

Death Cab for Cutie

Billie Eilish

Miley Cyrus

Drake

Lana Del Rey

Glass Animals

BØRNS

Panic! At The Disco

Of Monsters and Men

Rex Orange County

Mt. Joy

Two Door Cinema Club

Langhorne Slim

Nothing But Thieves

Saint Motel

Kid Cudi

LANY

Hippo Campus

Mac Miller

The Wombats

Coldplay

The 1975

One Direction

Tame Impala

KIDS SEE GHOSTS

blackbear

Demi Lovato

Hozier

Miniature Tigers

Ed Sheeran

King Princess

The Weeknd

Top tracks -- Short Term (4 weeks)

Aaron Lewis, Travelin’ Soldier

Taylor Swift, seven

Drake, Show Me A Good Time

Taylor Swift, exile (feat. Bon Iver)

Sarah Shook & the Disarmers, Fuck Up

The Lumineers, Where The Skies Are Blue

Tyler Childers, Nose on the Grindstone (OurVinyl Sessions)

The Lumineers, My Eyes

Taylor Swift, exile (feat. Bon Iver)

The Lumineers, Gun Song

The Lumineers, Angela

Peach Pit, Tommy's Party

The Lumineers, Ophelia

Stephen Sanchez, Lady by the Sea

A.A. Bondy, When the Devil's Loose

The White Buffalo, I Got You

The Lumineers, Gale Song

The Lumineers, Sleep On The Floor

The Lumineers, Sick In The Head

The Lumineers, Dead Sea

The Lumineers, Long Way From Home

The Lumineers, Flowers in Your Hair

The Lumineers, In The Light

Lil Peep, Falling Down - Bonus Track

Clairo, Bags

Yoke Lore, Beige

Kendrick Lamar, All The Stars (with SZA)

The Lumineers, Ho Hey

The Lumineers, Cleopatra

Meaghan Martin, Too Cool

Cage The Elephant, Back Against the Wall

The Lumineers, Patience

The Lumineers, White Lie

Declan McKenna, Brazil

Jack Harlow, WHATS POPPIN (feat. DaBaby, Tory Lanez & Lil Wayne) - Remix

Khalid, American Teen

AC/DC, Back In Black

The Head and the Heart, Rivers and Roads

The Weeknd, Can't Feel My Face

The Lumineers, Stubborn Love

Miley Cyrus, Party In The U.S.A.

The Lumineers, Everyone Requires A Plan

Johnny Cash, God's Gonna Cut You Down

The Lumineers, Cleopatra (Acoustic Demo)

The Head and the Heart, Sounds Like Hallelujah

Wallows, Are You Bored Yet? (feat. Clairo)

Kesha, TiK ToK

Miley Cyrus, The Climb

Cage The Elephant, Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Lykke Li, I Follow Rivers - The Magician Remix

Top tracks -- Medium Term (6 months)

Aaron Lewis, Travelin’ Soldier

Lil Peep, Falling Down - Bonus Track

Taylor Swift, seven

Yoke Lore, Beige

A.A. Bondy, When the Devil's Loose

Tyler Childers, Nose on the Grindstone (OurVinyl Sessions)

Drake, Show Me A Good Time

Declan McKenna, Brazil

Taylor Swift, exile (feat. Bon Iver)

Future Islands, Seasons (Waiting On You)

Noah Cyrus, Ghost

Clairo, Bags

Sarah Shook & the Disarmers, Fuck Up

The Knocks, Classic (feat. POWERS)

The White Buffalo, I Got You

Lykke Li, I Follow Rivers - The Magician Remix

Mr Little Jeans, The Suburbs

Khalid, American Teen

The Lumineers, Where The Skies Are Blue

BANKS, Beggin For Thread

The Lumineers, My Eyes

Taylor Swift, exile (feat. Bon Iver)

The Lumineers, Gun Song

The Lumineers, Angela

The Neighbourhood, Single

Meaghan Martin, Too Cool

Peach Pit, Tommy's Party

The Lumineers, Ophelia

Stephen Sanchez, Lady by the Sea

Paramore, Still into You

The Lumineers, Gale Song

The Lumineers, Sleep On The Floor

Paramore, (One of Those) Crazy Girls

The Vaccines, Post Break-Up Sex

BabyJake, Cigarettes On Patios

Glass Animals, Poplar St

The Lumineers, Sick In The Head

The Lumineers, Dead Sea

The Lumineers, Long Way From Home

Aminé, Caroline

The Lumineers, Flowers in Your Hair

The Lumineers, In The Light

Cage The Elephant, Ain't No Rest for the Wicked

Harry Styles, Sunflower, Vol. 6

Cage The Elephant, Spiderhead

Billie Eilish, listen before i go

Bright Eyes, Land Locked Blues

Tove Lo, Habits (Stay High)

The Weeknd, Can't Feel My Face

TV Girl, Lovers Rock

Top tracks -- Long Term (years)

Cigarettes After Sex, Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby

Twenty One Pilots, Stressed Out

Post Malone, Feeling Whitney

Cage The Elephant, Cigarette Daydreams

Twenty One Pilots, Ride

Of Monsters and Men, Organs

Vampire Weekend, Hannah Hunt

The Lumineers, Where The Skies Are Blue

Lorde, Buzzcut Season

The Japanese House, Saw You In A Dream

Vampire Weekend, Walcott

Lorde, White Teeth Teens

1,2,3, Confetti

Twenty One Pilots, Polarize

Twenty One Pilots, Guns for Hands

Harry Styles, Kiwi

Lorde, Perfect Places

Bonjah, Go Go Chaos

Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam, A 1000 Times

Pinegrove, Aphasia

The Lumineers, Blue Christmas

Moses Gunn Collective, Shalala

Halsey, Is There Somewhere

Disclosure, Magnets

The Neighbourhood, Noise

The Head and the Heart, Library Magic

Twenty One Pilots, Lane Boy

Twenty One Pilots, Tear in My Heart

Ariana Grande, better off

The Neighbourhood, Sweater Weather

Rex Orange County, Loving Is Easy

Lorde, Sober

The Neighbourhood, Daddy Issues

The Wombats, Isabel

The Head and the Heart, Oh My Dear

Lorde, Ribs

Halsey, Coming Down

Hippo Campus, Way It Goes

The Neighbourhood, R.I.P. 2 My Youth

Glass Animals, Youth

Jonas Brothers, Lovebug

Paramore, Hate to See Your Heart Break

Cage The Elephant, Trouble

Post Malone, Stay

The Lumineers, My Eyes

Twenty One Pilots, Migraine

Ariana Grande, thank u, next

Twenty One Pilots, Holding on to You

Paramore, Tell Me How

Young the Giant, Cough Syrup

[dnadeadnotalive]

[dnadeadnotalive]

Dreams don't come true, but you're two plus two. It's always been you. I love you four, three, and too.

[dnadeadnotalive]

[dnadeadnotalive]

Did You Ever Realize That What You Did Made Me Feel This Bad?

I was never supposed to meet you

I’m convinced it was a mistake

A glitch or bug or bad line of code

I was never really awake

It could’ve been so easy

To stop it all right there in the act

There’s no way to kill you off

There’s no fucking going back

The only way, my love

Would be to shut down my own mind

To take the pocket knife I stole him

And stab myself blind

And sit in my pool of blood

And let it warm my bones

And pretend the feeling’s you

And that I’ll never be alone

Fantasize that we’re together

It’s the last thought I’ll ever have

Did you ever realize that what you did

Made me feel this bad?

[dnadeadnotalive]

g

You were in my fucking dreams

I’m not supposed to be thinking

About you anymore because

I struck gold and I’m supposed to love

Something that wants me as much as I want it too

Yet for some reason I got off to all your abuse

All of your coercion, I want and I miss

Who the fuck decided I get to feel like this

Because whoever it is, I hope one day you feel this too

And then maybe you’ll realize that what you’ve done is cruel

It’s so much easier to be pious; there’d be someone I could blame

But you’re a fucking atheist and I know you’d think I’m insane

[dnadeadnotalive]

L

Please don’t leave me now

Even if it means you disrespect me

I need two hearts to be alive I guess

I don’t think alone I have it in me to grow

But I don’t know if you’re stunting my growth

Or are you pushing on me, making me shrink smaller

You get insecure anyway that you’re not taller

You know my whole past but you aren’t bothered

Phases on phases I keep getting hotter

I cling on to you by your voice in my brain

I still feel your hair, I still see all your veins

You press my nose, and it drains my pain

You kiss my forehead, it makes me feel sane

I know you won’t leave me for Mary Jane

like all the others; we’ll just have champagne

It feels so natural; it can’t be fake

I cry every night thinking that you will break

and when I’m alone oh I’ll begin to shake

were you a mistake? Am I even awake?

I love the little expressions on your face

With you it just never feels like a race

It feels too easy but I like the pace

I’m done with running; I hate to chase

Kiss me goodnight, kiss me goodbye

But you won’t hug me, but you’ll squeeze my thigh

You wouldn’t speak but I gave you the high

Please never leave me, hun, please never die

You’re kind of pretty it’s too good to be true

I hope I do alright, I hope I’m not glue

But baby it’s so hard just looking at you

Don’t know if I deserve it but I think I do

[dnadeadnotalive]

[dnadeadnotalive]

[dnadeadnotalive]

if you’re falling in love

If you’re falling in love

And it’s not with me

If I’m not the one

Making nightmares out of dreams

If my flesh and blood

Isn’t the one you want to know

I’ll just wish you good luck,

Say goodnight, and go

You put it on your skin

You wanted to commit it that badly

But you said the same thing when we met

And neglected it gladly

Who we were when we met

Is not who we are now

I was still a child

Your hair was still brown

You were still a teen

Wearing 1-day contacts for weeks

Your 13 year old back pack broke

And you started using Beats

I suppose that’s the issue

An ability to commit

You think you’ll lose to yourself

But if you do, did you win?

I can’t think of who else

The message could be for

But that is how it should be

Because if there were even one more

Who you held like you did me

Through so many nights

I do not want to know them

Because I don’t want to be right

I really miss my dad

G(ee), I miss what we had

I miss feeling like you cared

But now I’m just sad

My roommate’s right here

And I don’t need her to hear

So I won’t make a sound

My eyes bubble with tears

The heat started this wave

And I am going to cave

I should blow out the match

And just learn to behave.

[dnadeadnotalive]

Our love was sinking like a stone thrown from the shore It hit the bottom, can I go down any more?

Langhorne Slim, “Lost This Time”

[dnadeadnotalive]

12/20/2018

Dear Nicole,

I hope you have found happiness. And I do not mean in a person, necessarily (a boy)—but if you have, that is great, and please check yourself with it. Make sure it is worth it. Make sure he deserves you.

But, I hope you’ve found happiness in other things, too. In your friends, in your work, in your studies. In your house, in the Reg, in the lab. You have so, so many amazing opportunities in front of you that you should let pull you forward instead of clinging to the past. It won’t become the future no matter how hard you force it—if it does become the future, there is not much you could’ve done to make it that way. Let the future happen.

You’re at one of the third best schools (LOL) in America. You’re going to meet so many cool people who teach you very cool things. You’re going to read and discuss famous literature, explore the topics that fuel you with excitement and curiosity, laugh until it hurts so many more times, find amazing new music (you will never un out of songs. I promise), and even more things I can’t predict right now.

And, even if you have not yet found happiness yet, in the long-term dose in which you are convinced it exists—maybe it doesn’t exist in that way for you. But, you still have the small doses. They are beautiful—you KNOW that—and warm you up. Use them as guiding lights for even in the darkest of times.

And, even if, in spite of all this, you still think you are a genuinely unhappy person, remember that everything above is true. And, if for some reason, it is NOT, you know how to plan better than anyone. You’ll figure it out. If you feel unhappy in your place, remember that everything has an expiration date.

Remember if you want what someone else doesn’t, respect them. You’re amazing in, like, too many ways, and someone will eventually pull through with what you want. Please remember Patience. It’s the foundation of, I think, everything, and please, if you desperately cling to anything, let it be that.

You are stuck with yourself from the first breath you take to the last. You never sleep alone; you sleep with yourself. You are a physical human being, but a mental monster. You have a beautiful body and you’ve had the pleasure of meeting the most wonderful people.

Be happy, feel the sting, and just fly with the Earth as it continues to spin you in whichever direction it feels like. It’s never about what it is. It’s about what you make it. So let your creation blow my fucking mind.

-Nicole

[dnadeadnotalive]

i really didn’t want to fucking hug you

but i did.

[dnadeadnotalive]

1NVH4QVR

lie

[dnadeadnotalive]

and we’re going down

if you are hungry it’s okay to eat

It’s not like I did anyway

It circled the drain

By the end of the night

If you’re tired it’s okay to sleep

But for you I’d stay up

Walk a mile in the snow

Just to toss and turn next to you

We have sex and that’s it

We fight over bull shit

But you hold me during the night

And kiss me wherever my skin is free

And if I’m with you, it’s free everywhere

I become yours, not mine

You own me, but I don’t own you

But I just breath because I’m fine

[dnadeadnotalive]

I FELT YOU IN MY LEGS BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU