dnnxlsx

[dnnxlsx]

hours after being unemployed

I woke up confused and scared- confused about the time and scared that I will be late for my work. When I saw it's quarter to six-ish, I slowly recollected the events before for accuracy of remembering and it dawned on me na i just got out of the shackles of BPO hours before.

I don't know how to start this but I'm just gonna freely dump my thoughts. Here it goes..

When I saw the time, i was confused. Bakit ako tulog? Bakit ako gising? Anong nangyayari? hahaaha my sense of time and body clock was fcked up, which is pretty normal. Still that feeling of confusion and horror was something new and I want to memorialize that as much as possible.

I immediately grabbed my phone, checked for messages, at totoo ngang unemployed na ako. I will miss the people. I will miss saying I have a shift just so I won't be questioned for not being home the whole night. I will miss the food. I will miss the relationship I have built with the people, both agents and non-agents, and I will always think of the memories we could have made together if I stayed longer. I will miss the petty issues. I will miss listening to their stories. I will miss being so vulgar and sexually open and not judged by it. I will miss the almost-late clock ins, the OBs, and how disciplined I am with the utilization of my time. I will miss it all.

My time TELUS was great, fun, and memorable because of the people. Perhaps it's because it's my first job but still.. it was something.

Now that I am unemployed, I am just confused with how I maneuver my life again. My nights will be free. I won't have any excuse to not perform well in my OJT and in academics. I will have to re-adjust my focus, attention, and direction towards one goal from now on-- being a CPA NO MATTER WHAT. (i have a lot of people to impress lol hahaaha) Pero ayon nga.

Re-direction

Re-evaluation

what to do with the freed time? magbabalik loob na ba sa mga na-snob na hobbies? tuloy pa rin ba sa pag-a-adulting (with the finance, IDs, and everything)?

ang gulo. ang overhwelming.

i know what to do naman, it's to take it one step at a time pero nakaka-overwhelm lang kasi parang starting a new life ulit ako. new life pero reconciliation with old hobbies, habits (hopefully the good ones), people, and goals.

one step at a time lang lagi't lagi ang sagot. just find you next step and take it. past na 'yon e, hindi ko na mababago 'yon, only look back from it. pero still.. this overwhelming emotion is something I want to grapple on kasi ang adulting ng dating hahahahah

I really admire people having double, triple lives. Mapa-working man yan or house roles or anything. I don't know how they can dissociate one life from another. Kasi bukod sa routine, magkaiba rin 'yong mindset, personality, level of maturity and responsibility, objectives, habits, and basically everything.

Kaya kamangha-mangha na nagagawa nilang to live multiple lives for a long time. Hindi biro.

Pero ayon. As for me naman, siguro I need some time with my thoughts ulit. Strategic planning or just casual conversation with my mind. Ano ang next na gagawin? What's the plan? What's THE BIG plan? I'll make use of my time na.

I limited myself to 630am lang so I'll end it here.

first time ko palang mag-joyride kagabi (12mn) at nakakatuwa kasi working student din 'yong rider. graduating na sya at industrial engineering. hoping for the success din of his life and career. kudos sayo, kuya.

ayon lang. dump ulit ako whenever

[dnnxlsx]

life update: something to do with 23 months

first off, i'm sorry. i'll be putting off the 3-part life update. it's going to be wayyy too late by the time i'll continue it but, promise, i'll continue it. i'm still figuring things out.

so it started when one of our profs reminded us that we barely have 24months left before we took the board exam. it's been over a month now, hence, the 23 months.

i re-installed reddit and a user there introduced to me an app, yeolpumta. it's like a study together set-up (in discord) but there's less interactions between the users. it just simply shows you who are studying with you. anywaaaay so i've been using that app for three days now and i can tell it's good- triggers my competitiveness because of the time and everything. but just like any other productivity or accountability app/software/platform/system, i always doubt its effectiveness. i mean, you can literally cheat your way out. but i've realized na i'll be just cheating on myself. niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko...

but here's another thing. di ba nga i started using the app? and some of the things i also realized is how exhausting it is to study/focus, how "nakakawalang gana" it is to know and be aware of my current standing- na wala akong kalaban-laban sa board exams, kahit nga sa exams/quizzes sa school e. isa rin sa na-discover ko ay kung gaano ako natatambakan ng gawain tapos lagi ko lang silang ginagawa kapag malapit na ang deadline. like now... may quiz ako sa mas at val sa myerkules and i haven't finished my mas readings and haven't practiced the concepts, same goes with my val subject.

natatakot ako.. feel ko babagsak na naman ako. i'm barely hanging na nga based on my previous quiz.

gusto kong umatras. gusto kong takasan 'yong quiz, 'yong papalapit na midterms. gusto kong takasan 'yong pressure ng board exam, 'yong pressure na KAILANGAN kong maipasa ang boards IN ONE TAKE!. gusto kong takasan lahat..

natatakot ako. ang dami kong kulang. ang dami kong dapat habulin. pero kulang na kulang sa oras.

nakakatakot isipin. nakakawalang-ganang gawin.

pero kailangan nating magpursigi.

matatakot now pero pipiliting lakasan ang loob para harapin 'yong takot, para magpatuloy kahit hindi agad nakikita ang resulta. it's all part of the process.

sa umpisa talaga mahirap. mahirap na mahirap. pero tuloy lang. tiwala lang. trust the process.

please help me. sustain me, Lord, with persistence, bravery, and soul. help me po

[dnnxlsx]

life update: there's a lot that I need to unload. (Part 1)

It's been quite some time and a lot has happened. To sum it up:

I went back to Manila for may face-to-face classes.

I finally got a taste of 'dorm life' but not fully *roll eyes* because I have to be accompanied.

I want to be love-bombed, and prolly leading someone on.

I got a work.

I need to cram 4-years worth of accountancy study in less than 2 years (wish me luck.)

Let's reminisce hahaha!

I went back to Manila for may face-to-face classes.

It was September 12, perhaps, I don't know exactly but it was days before the official start of my ftf classes, which, in my case, was on a Wednesday.

I travelled together with Papa, my uncle, and my aunt. We rode Maria Diana MTN hehe. I brought a ton of books with me in preparation for the LECPA. I am beyond grateful for my Papa and uncle for bearing the weight of my books- it was no joke- but, at the same time, it made me feel guilty because I know that at this point and rate, I have ZERO fighting chance in the board exam. I know that. No need to put up a mask or make-believe.

So yeah, that's just it for this one (the travel part). Well, of course, we had our classes and let me tell you, my first day was memorable! xdd

My official start of ftf class was Wednesday, the 12-hour sched (8am-9pm). I woke up at around 3am (??), prepared, and were on my way by 5:30 am. Rode the jeep not long after that and, mind you, even if it was that early, the jeeps to Ilalim were already brimming with passengers. And, nope, I did not miss that part of Manila life.

I got in the univ at around 6:22am (?), a good 30-minute or so travel, which is good but has consequences because my first class starts at 8am. So I waited. At first, I was confused. There were no students in our room. I just thought they'd be excited for the first day, too, and stuff. But nah. I went down again, planning to wait near the entrance, to see some classmates or whatever, and I did! Vivo found me and I found her; we found each other! lol! But good thing we recognized each other despite the masks tho. We talked for a moment and decided to go check the classrooms, noting the change in our designated room. When we were walking, I slipped! Yep. A bit embarrassing but meh, no need to dwell in it. The world is still the same ever since. Lol but I did slipped because of my rubber-soled shoes. After that, we just waited in our room and one-by-one our classmates started to come in.

Fast forward, we had our classes. A prelim on AIS (the prof didn't even teach a thing), a somnolent discussion on Profelec2, tax, and manacc. We, the class and the profs, were just barely holding it in by the time the last 2 classes started. We were so tireeeed. Our profs' voices were already hoarse, we're all sweaty, and just simply and silently wanting the day to end faster. And it finally did! The last class dismissed, picture-taking, and wo-hoo! we're done!! Now, the travel to temporary home.

Pre-pandemic, I used to go to JRU and rode the jeep to Pasig there. It was way more easier than the line and waiting that I have to go through in Ilalim. So I did, with my classmate. Turns out that the jeeps waiting in JRU were no longer there because of the pandemic-changes so I have to go back. Ilalim-gaming it is. Prolly because of tiredness or my lack of recent knowledge with jeepney destinations or confusion or a bit of everything but I rode the one that says "Crossing Ilalim", the one I usually rode when I am from Pasig to Manda. Turns out it's the opposite when you're from the Manda to Pasig. So I got down before the jeep went under and rode another one that crosses the bridge, Crossing Ibabaw. I paid, got down again, and waited for a jeep to Pasig. Finally, home.

I just really want to share that part of my day. A very loaded one hahahaha! Good thing I have ample money, if not, then gg.

I think I'll be making this a 3-part series life update. This one's lengthy so I'm ending it here. See you on the next part!

[dnnxlsx]

I think I just missed my chance to a thrilling experience (??)

I've matched with this guy on Omegle, and it's my first time using this platform very early in the morning. I'm glad I get to talk to him because he was a pretty decent guy and conversationalist. But that's not what I missed out.

He's already working, plays sports (football), and tall (5'11). He's giving 'dream guy' vibes based from those data, yeah. So we just talked casually until our conversation went into the topic that is somewhere within the boundaries of pleasure. I found out that he's really into hookups, to which I am not. The good thing about our short time was he was just pretty chill, playful, and respectful. I honestly had a great time but because we do not share the same sentiments, we have to end the convo.

Although, at the back of my mind, I was interested and semi-ready to try the experience. But I chickened out so perhaps I am not that ready yet.

I want to hook up with him tho even if I haven't seen him yet. Must be well-built if he's into sports lol hahaha. But, honestly, that's what giving me the feeling that I 'missed out', having him sweaty and all hahahahaha

Just thought I'd write this out; things to look back to, you know.