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[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

I also want to talk about another auditory thing from before today.

Maybe a week ago, I was lying and bed and heard a noise I can only describe as "machine-like". It was like a whirrr and then a clunk. My theories on what it was are as follows:

- The Terminator, coming to kill me (immediate thought that I maintained until the next day when I realized how stupid that sounds)

- Printer (my next thought, but the printer was completely off so I'm inclined to go with the first theory actually)

It was very loud but it happened only once and everyone else was asleep so I have no way of knowing what it was or if it even happened :l

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

I have things to share about "seeing things"

I don't know if any of these count as visual illusions characteristic of StPD. They only ever last for a second or two, and most of the past ones happen at night so they could just be an overactive imagination.

A week or so ago at work, I randomly turned my head and mistook a rack of candy and part of a wall for an abstract human face. When I did a double take it was gone. I don't know why I turned my head in the first place, did I do it so I'd see the face??

The other day I saw a completely back ferret-like animal in my yard, but it quickly vanished.

Things like this happen to me more often than I notice, but I've started noticing them more now that I'm thinking about them.

The only past incidents that stick out to me are:

- The time I saw lightning outside in the sky for several minutes as I was trying to sleep. There had been no storm, according to my parents the next day.

- The time I was in the woods and saw a "red firefly". It was just becoming night and seeing a small floating red light absolutely terrified me. I was probably ~12 or 13 years old? I ran inside asap cuz I thought it was gonna kill me, like it was a tiny robot or something like that.

- The time I saw an "alien cat". It was night, mom was driving, I saw a cat with 3 circular glowing "eyes" (2 on top, 1 on bottom) with a flat disc-like face. We drove past it very quickly. I think about it a lot

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Since making that post 2 days ago I've been reminded of my issue with the number I mentioned in it.

Today I was at work and while scanning groceries noticed one of the fruit/vegetable 4 digit codes contains the number in it. I'd noticed this before but now that I was thinking about it more, I noticed it more often. Then a customer came in, and they decided to pay over the amount they'd bought in order to get cash back from the register (instead of just,,, using the built in cash-back button??) And the total of course was said number. Which fucked me up a bit lol but I knew it was just coincidence & also had the idea that it was meant to throw me off, so I shouldn't react to it? Like I didn't think the customer did it on purpose because obviously they'd have no way of knowing I don't like the number, but it felt like it was designed to make me react? Idk

Then since we were short on staff I had to work in the express lane for a bit, which was stressful because the layout of things is very different and there's other stuff to be done there (lottery tickets, answering the phone, customers think I can answer their questions, etc). This set off my anxiety which I think contributed to what happened next, but noticing the number might've contributed as well.

First, I heard a customer say something and thought they said my name, but quickly realized they hadn't. Then I thought I heard my manager say my name more clearly, but when I asked him, he said he hadn't.

Explanations for this that don't include auditory illusions:

- mistakingly hearing your name is a common thing as far as I know, and me being stressed would have added to it (thinking that someone was telling me I'd messed up on something?)

- I have a coworker with a name that sounds a little like mine, and my manager has called him my name on accident multiple times including once today. (However, I don't think this was the case in either the customer or managers voice, because coworker wasn't wearing a name tag for a customer to say, and my manager hadn't been talking to him either when I heard my name)

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

StPD Questioning - my experiences with "magical thinking"

I used to believe I was tychokinetic (ability to manipulate luck/probability) when I was around 13. For awhile I believed heavily in the Mandela effect and theories about parallel universes, and the theory that some people are from an alternate universe and brought to this one (I believed I was one of them). These thoughts have become a bit of a discomfort for me now that I realize they aren't true. In 10th grade (age 15?) I noticed "angel numbers" specifically the number 131 a lot in random places and thought it was a sign. I now am uncomfortable with that number because it reminds me of how helpless I felt. Just a month or two ago (age 17) I went on a walk and found a white feather, and against my better judgement I googled feather meanings and read that white feathers mean an angel is watching over you. I dismissed this belief (I've gotten better at dismissing them as I've gotten older) but still feel very uncomfortable and like I'm not in control. Spirituality in general is a huge discomfort for me, though I enjoy doing tarot and rune readings for myself from time to time. I am often struggling with my spirituality and religion- currently I identify with atheist and agnostic, though I don't know how much of it is wanting to protect myself. And I somewhat believe in tarot/runes/an oracle figure, but also believe that the cards and meanings are purposely vague to apply to many situations. I used to practice witchcraft but stopped simply because it was too time consuming, and have no discomfort with it now. I am otherkin (I am a dog) though this is simply a fact and sometimes used as a coping mechanism, not something that causes me distress. I try to respect the spirituality of others but it makes me very uncomfortable- I once had to unfollow someone because they found out they were a prophet and it affected me despite me not even knowing them.

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

For years while I was a kid I believed I was the reincarnation of a wizard from 4000 years ago and that I would gain super powers when I got older. I would go out in my backyard to practice my powers all the time.

As I aged into me preteens/early teens I stopped believing in the reincarnation aspect but still held true to the powers. To name a few I believed I could predict things just before they happened and I would put up invisible barriers on my doors and windows before I went to sleep to protect me from the various evils that seeked to harm me.

Even now into my mid-twenties I still use what I dubbed "barrier magic", not everyday but on occasion when my anxiety and paranoia are acting up. It helps to make me feel safe and to calm me down.

Anyway, the point of it all is that delusions or magical thinking aren't always a bad thing. Sometimes they can be used as a way to cope against other aspects of your disorders and I think that p rad.

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Being a schizotypal teenager sucked so bad. It was like "aw man :( I'm not fashionable and no one wants to take me to the dance :(((( also the fucking demons are attacking me and shit is melting :((((( homework is due. I hear someone rustling in the house :(((( my parents keep arguing even when they're not actually arguing :((((((("

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Maybe schizotypal thing #2

Does anyone ever experience that stpd is kind of like if autism and schizophrenia had a baby or is that just in my case?

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Me: "im a kinnie uwu~☆"

My psychiatrist: "you have schizotypal personality disorder"

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

hi I hope it’s ok to ask but how would you know that you have both stpd and asd? since so many symptoms are similar. am wondering if I have stpd traits but am also autistic and I have no idea how to figure this shit out

oh christ i just saw this. i hope you see this, anon.

there are a lot of similar symptoms, in the same way that there are a lot of similar symptoms between asd and adhd. they can be similar with lots of overlap, but there are key differences.

i will admit right off the bat that i was never properly diagnosed with it. i did speak with a psychiatrist who suspected i might have both, but i stopped seeing him before we could get anywhere due to some paranoia, funny enough. but he did help explain to me some key differences. for example, asd doesnt usually come with paranoia, psychosis, magical thinking etc, while stpd doesnt really come with sensory processing problems (which even if it did ive experienced those basically from birth, long before personality disorders start), difficulty with reading body language or tone, taking things literally, pattern recognition etc. he really seemed to think i had both but again i fled before any actual official diagnosis could be made bc i suddenly became convinced he was going to lock me up or some shit lmao. fantastic.

basically i would suggest speaking with a doctor but seeing as that isn’t always an option due to circumstances beyond our control, you could make yourself a venn diagram and research as much as you can into the symptoms of both. then write symptoms you exhibit that are exclusive to one or the other in their separate circles, and ones that overlap in the middle. i think that might paint a pretty clear picture for at least a starting point in the journey of figuring this shit out.

i hope youre staying safe, anon, be careful out there.

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

A little comic about the personal process of accepting my neurodivergence 💫

(Follow me on my art insta if you want: @nyndelion)

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Always

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

I’m always really hesitant to describe things I experience as psychotic, because i never experience hallucinations (expect like hypnagogic ones i guess) but i also do a lot of delusional thinking and sometimes i’ll have episodes where it feels like my whole body just enters a fog and suddenly everyone is a deadly threat and there are dog teeth in my gums pushing out my human teeth and i have wings and there are eyes in the wall that i can’t see and like it feels like this is psychotic?? but when i bring it up to therapists they seem doubtful and idk. i guess i just want a mental health professional to tell me there’s a reason this happens because i know it doesn’t happen to normal people and it feels very alienating to have it happen to me and not have language to describe it i guess

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

Personality disorders can mask autism. Just in case anybody was wondering.

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

idk if this'll get replies but like. question for any folks out there who are both schizotypal and autistic. how do they, like, differ? for you? how do you know you've got both? what's the overlap like?

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

This is how schizotypal disorder feels apparently

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

What is the line between religion and delusion when it comes to paganism and witchcraft? Does anyone have any insight related to this?

[do-i-have-adhd-idk]

my thoughts on personality disorders and self diagnosis, part 1: introduction and cluster A

NOTE: I am NOT A PROFESSIONAL. all the information I use is drawn from the DSM-5 and all the conclusions I make are just that: mine. take everything you’re about to read with a grain of salt. 

to begin, everyone needs to know that personality disorders are mostly ego-syntonic. what does that mean? well, in the context of personality, it means a behavior not viewed as odd or wrong by the individual. this means most people with personality disorders don’t know anything is off at all. most people diagnosed with personality disorders originally begin seeking help for problems caused by their pathological personality traits, rather than the traits themselves.

essentially, just because you think your behavior is normal doesn’t mean it is. it might be normal for you, but if it causes significant impairment or distress, please see a professional if you have the ability to do so.

well, what if you don’t? today, i’m going to talk about the different personality disorders and why self diagnosis is much harder than you might think.

introduction

first of all, what is a personality disorder? a personality disorder is described as “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture” (DSM-5, 646). 

this deviation can manifest in cognition (the way you perceive yourself and others), affectivity (the range, intensity, and appropriateness of emotional response), interpersonal functioning, and impulse control. according to the DSM-5, a diagnosis of a personality disorder can only be made when this deviation is present in at least two of the four areas listed.

a personality disorder also must be relatively pervasive and inflexible. if you only meet the criteria for a personality disorder when you’re in a specific situation or with specific people, you do not qualify for a diagnosis. it also has to cause “clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning” (DSM-5, 646). this criterion is present in every DSM-5 disorder and is meant to further implement the idea that mental disorders are clinically significant issues. 

personality disorders tend to first become recognizable in adolescence/early adulthood. 

the estimate for overall prevalence of any personality disorder is between 9.1% and 15%. this is probably higher than you would have guessed, and it means that you almost definitely know someone with a personality disorder.

cluster A

cluster A is defined as “odd” or “eccentric”. it is made up of paranoid, schizoid, and schizotypal personality disorders. people suffering from a cluster A personality disorder might suffer very brief psychotic episodes, lasting minutes to hours, and can be premorbid indications of a psychotic disorder.  

paranoid personality disorder (ppd)

the main characteristic of ppd is a pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others, manifested by an unsupported belief that others are out to get them, doubts regarding the loyalty of friends or family, a tendency to interpret offhand remarks as attacks and jump to their own defense very quickly, and a reluctancy to confide in others out of fear that the information will be used against them.

these individuals might interpret genuine compliments as sarcastic and/or masked remarks judging them for various things. they might perceive an offer of help as a criticism that they aren’t doing well enough on their own. they also might gather vague, circumstantial, and/or insignificant “evidence” to prove their beliefs.

people who suffer from ppd might have few friends and be difficult to get along with, due to their tendency to be overly argumentative/complaintive/aloof. the reactions evoked by their bitter attitudes only serve as further evidence that others are against them.

this is a difficult disorder to diagnose because people suffering from ppd can be suspicious of those in healthcare that are trying to help them. most of the time, those with ppd won’t seek help because they don’t think their suspicions of others are a problem with them. 

schizoid personality disorder (szpd)

szpd is characterized by a willing detachment from social relationships and a decreased range of emotion. individuals with szpd do not desire or enjoy close relationships, including family. they prefer to do things on their own and take pleasure in very few things, if any. they tend to lack confidants (other than first degree relatives) and seem indifferent to praise or criticism. 

another important symptom is a lack of interest in sexual relationships with others. this is not the same as being asexual. while the lack of sexual interest is the same, one is a sexuality and the other is a pattern of pathological personality traits that negatively impact a person’s day to day function. some people with szpd might choose to identify as asexual, but not all people with szpd are asexual and not all asexual people have szpd. 

individuals with szpd also have a reduction in overall pleasure from sensory, bodily, or interpersonal experiences. they might appear to be indifferent to others’ opinions of them, or indifferent to subtle social cues, which in turn makes them seem self-absorbed or socially inept. even though individuals with szpd might not experience strong emotions on a day to day basis, some report rarely experiencing said emotions and, in rare occasions, they might even acknowledge and express having painful feelings, especially related to social interactions. these individuals might also lack strong goals or have inappropriate responses to significant life events. they tend to have few friendships and often do not date or marry. 

because they don’t feel strong emotions, those suffering from szpd often don’t realize that something is wrong with them, as stronger emotions are more often associated with mental instability. it might also be confused with depression, but the two disorders are distinguishable because people suffering from depression often have the ability to feel other emotions and sexual attraction to others. 

schizotypal personality disorder (stpd)

stpd is defined by a discomfort with and reduced capacity for close relationships, as well as cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities in behavior. symptoms include ideas of reference (believing that a casual occurrence actually has a deeper meaning meant specifically for you), odd beliefs or superstitions that are incongruent with cultural norms, odd thinking and/or speech (i.e. overelaborate, vague, circumstantial, etc), suspiciousness or paranoia, odd or eccentric appearance or behavior, lack of close friends or confidants outside of first degree relatives, and social anxiety that is associated with paranoia about the situation rather than negative thoughts about one’s self.

while not classified as delusions or hallucinations, similar things may occur in those with stpd. for example, one might ‘sense’ that another person is present or hear a voice muttering their name. those with stpd may first seek treatment for associated anxiety and depression, only to find out that stpd was the root cause. this disorder may first appear in childhood or adolescence, manifested by social anxiety, poor peer relationships, underachievement in school, hypersensitivity, bizarre thoughts and language, and odd fantasies.

another important thing to note is that the aforementioned “odd appearance” is not “i only shop at hot topic and have never set foot in pacsun or hollister” but “the clothes i wear don’t fit me right and have stains on them but i don’t see a problem with it so i won’t buy new ones”. this feature alone is also not enough to warrant a diagnosis of stpd, and not everyone who wears ill-fitting or stained clothes has stpd; they might not have the money for new clothes or there might be some other unknown circumstance.

as stated before, those with stpd may first seek treatment for anxiety and depression, as they are common difficulties stpd sufferers might experience. however, these are not mutually exclusive; not every anxious/depressed person has stpd and not every person with stpd is anxious/depressed. this is difficult to self diagnose because, as stated in the introduction, personality disorders tend not to be seen as problematic to the individual.

part two with cluster B coming soon! until then, stay safe and take care of yourself <3