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This One Thing..

In the last month or so, I have felt a bustle in my spirit to share a revelation I’ve had in my walk with Christ.  After all this time, you’d think I would’ve learned this earlier in life, but alas, a revelation is a beautiful gift no matter how long it takes to find it. Jesus and I have been strolling along life for sometime now. In the beginning of our relationship I was so locked in on what I thought he was revealing to me that I was too busy talking at him to actually hear what he was saying. I think this is the fervor of any new relationship when you’re young, though. It’s a season of life, and I think at times Jesus reminds me of my vigor for knowing him as I did then on days where it seems like we don't get to converse back and forth as much as other days. Sometimes he and I have this rhythm where I just lock eyes with him at the beginning of the day after saying “Good morning” and I just ask him to lead me and give me supernatural energy, and he does because the day before may have been super hectic and I need to sink into the quiet space he makes for me to be refreshed. Other days, I find myself following him head first into crazy corners and swerves of whatever place I’m living at the time and running into absolute divine moments he’s placed along the path to bring a pocket of his presence to a place or person He needs to be in that moment on that day.  Both kinds of days are beautiful, both days have different purposes. Both days are welcomed in God’s kingdom. Follow hard. Rest. Follow softly. Rest.  These are good things. These are meant for our good. These will both impact the edges of heaven with a duality that is unmatched to anyone else around us as He leads us all individually. This is our walk with God. And this is normal. Embrace both days. One day recently during one of the days I was seeking him out desire just to solely be in his presence and rest, we were spending some time just in the sunshine and he high-lighted something to my mind and spirit that I think maybe I haven’t actually had the words yet to break it down in understanding, but in my subconscious, I knew and sensed something was going on here. During our conversation that day he pointed out to me, in all kindness, that while the sacrifices I’ve made in certain areas of my heart, mind and spirit were beautiful and honorable, I may want to be careful. He said that sometimes in life we can get so caught up in the idea of focusing on “dying to ourselves” that we follow our own ideas and actually “die to the wrong things.” Wait, what? In my pursuit of letting Christ envelope my being, was this even a thing? What in the world? HOW is it possible to actually die “to the wrong things”?  Especially when my motives were only to follow him.  I ask him to please explain. He did. This is where my mind was *BLOWN*. So put your seat-belt on and hang on. Throughout this life, many of us who follow Christ find out pretty quickly that instead of our yoke being “easy” and our burdens becoming “light” that we’re actually facing the most difficult moments and seasons we’ve or anyone we’ve ever come into contact with has faced. I know this was my story. When I came into true relationship Jesus and tried to understand what it was to actually follow him, I became completely lost in my circumstances on a daily basis. I would get lost in the fact that no matter how hard I TRIED to act like Jesus, that Jesus wasn’t actually living IN me. I was just acting like him, like any other sincere actor who wants to represent and emulate their given “character” well.  I found myself burning out and becoming resentful for the seemingly easy life some individuals who were following Christ around me seemed to have. How did they have it so easy and yet God was just letting the hardships pile up in my own life?

It took me YEARS to realize that there were so many things in this life that Jesus had NEVER called me to do that I THOUGHT I had to do to grow in my relationship with him. I stayed in relationships WAYYYY too long, I wasted time fulfilling my own lust and desires in just enough of a “Jesus” way that it looked good and fine to those around me, but honestly were rotten at their core because my heart had never been truly replaced with God’s. I would let God clean my wounds and get me ready for the start of a deep intimate heart surgery, but every time when he’d come in with the scalpel to fix the broken and blocked values and arteries, I would find myself leaping off of the surgery table and running out the door the other way and then trying to fix my circumstances myself. Whether that be through self-help books, sincerely genuine but highly mis-led “advisors”, etc.  I found that during these hardcore repetitive seasons, I kept “dying to the wrong things.” I died to my God given understanding of what it meant to have worth. I sold myself to things that didn’t reap anything except heartache after heart ache. I let my soul become numb to bad things that were destroying me, and as much as I wanted to be authentic in those times, I realize now that I was very much under the influence of spirits that did NOT have my good in mind. And so in this season, I have found myself looking back quite often and reflecting on the things that make SO much sense in hindsight. I have been looking back in absolute wonder of what God has done in my soul and that I’m still here pressing hard into him no matter what. It blows my mind. If I had only trusted then what I know to solidly be true now, I may have detoured a lot of heartache.  But alas.... This is the part where I want to encourage you and jump up and down in front of you waving my arms like a wild woman and point you towards another path. BEWARE!!!!!!!! Just because we’re called to “die” to ourselves DOES NOT mean we’re to die to our identity so fearfully formed and created by the hands of a God who adores us. The ONLY things in this life we’re meant to die to are the things that hinder our relationship with Jesus and others.  And by HINDER, I mean that block us from revealing Jesus to everyone around us and anything that keeps us from drawing closer to God. Satan is really sneaky here and he likes to take this concept and twist it just enough to keep us in a perpetual state of death and constantly “dying” in hopes that we will take it too farther than it was meant to be taken. We start cutting out the good things on own our without God’s actual direction and we remove the things that God is trying to build into our lives that are actually really REALLY good for us. Those things we’re meant to come alive to. There are things we’re NOT meant to die to, y’all. Like, AT ALL. What.so.ever. And we actually DEvalue our God-given existence when we do it. And by trying to die to these things, we actually show a huge lack of respect for how God created us to individually be.  Mindsets like this can actually lead us to a major misapplication of what it genuinely means to “lay our lives down for Jesus.” The pockets of joy that Satan (or even our own critical nature) tries to steal from us needs to be reclaimed and nurtured so that we can actually walk solidly into the moments that have been laid out for us since the beginning of time.  What does it look like to die to the wrong things exactly? Dying to activities that genuinely make our soul not just come alive, but continue on thriving.  What wrong things could we be dying to? OUR GOD-GIVEN GIFTS AND TALENTS. Those gifts that others may DESPERATELY need to draw closer to him, whether that be in nurturing musical talents or nurturing our understanding on topics to explain clearly how to help others to find the answers they’re looking for about God. What if an entire generation comes to a revelation of who Jesus truly is through one person coming into contact with God’s presence while we’re walking in the good moments He’s laid out for us? What if we actually ARE here to change the world? What if we actually HAVE been gifted for making a difference through our individual talents and skills? GOOD LOVE. When we die to love that is God-given-good in favor of love that we think we can “fix with Jesus’ help,” we’re probably walking in foolishness and need to realize that when we’re asking what Jesus would do in certain relationships, God may actually be revealing to us that Jesus would’ve never been in a relationship like that to begin with. OUR INDIVIDUALITY. Amongst all of our similarities, we have sown in these beautiful shades that tie together our differences. In these differences, we’re meant to thrive. We’re meant to understand ourselves on a deep level so that we can understand how we work. Weaknesses and all. If we’re constantly dying to our strengths and thrashing our weaknesses to become someone or some other “desired” piece of beauty than how God already created us to glow, we will find that we’re dying to the parts of us that were uniquely built into us for a specific kingdom purpose. Do not die to your strengths and weaknesses. Grow through them instead. Learn what it means to be weak before God so that he can use the strengths you’ve nurtured with him in secret for his glory.  These are things we NEVER want to die to.  God may lead us to lay certain aspects and pursuits of our soul aside for a season or two, but it’s only because he ready to hand us another thing to invest and grow for that period because he trusts us to take care of it and nurture it. No matter what Satan or the voices in your head tell us, God will not ask us to die to the parts of our existence that imports life into our souls.  When you look throughout scripture, no one was asked to die to their God-given gifts. They were asked to hold them with open hands before the Father so that he could use them for good.  Poets. Musicians. Singers. Teachers. Mathematicians. Doctors. Astronomers. Business men and women. Mothers. Fathers. Fishermen. Etc.  These people completely cover the pages of scripture. Their individuality combined in a glorious story of redemption. 

These are GOOD things. These are what give us individuality and life. These are things we’re not meant to die to but to come fully alive into. The things we ARE called to learn to die do everyday are as follows: Unforgiveness. Defensiveness. Arrogance.  Hypocrisy. Judgemental Spirits. Finding our worth and value a part from God.  Lying.  Lust. Witchcraft (spirits other than God’s). Trusting more in others opinions before Gods. The convictions that we specifically have been given to walk out. etc. To sum it up, God calls us to die to our SINFUL nature. He does not tell us to die to what He’s fulfilling in our lives. He does not call us to die to our gifts or talents. He does not call us to die to leave us in a perpetual state of death. He calls us to die everyday to our old sinful nature so that we may LIVE. In HIM. Which ever area God calls us to die, we must know immediately after these deaths, God ALWAYS asks us to then COME ALIVE. So let’s stop focusing on what it means to die, and lift our eyes towards him as he points us in the direction of what it means to live. It makes the “dying” to our old nature much smoother and it also helps us to understand why he made it possible for us to do so in the first place. Dying to our old nature should not be terrifying like it once was as we lean into the joy that lies before us in learning what it means to really live. ...I hope that came out clearly. This one thing has changed my relationship in walking with Jesus the last month or so. And I’m really learning what it means to let my sinful nature fall to the way side because I’m WAY more excited now about the good things He’s set out before me. I’m way more curious as to what the God of the universe is doing and about the fact that he’s invited me to be in on this.  The old ways of living are genuinely becoming so boring to me in comparison... And it’s basically the absolute NEATEST thing ever. Who knew goodness was so good. <3 Praying right now for revelation over the spirits and souls of everyone reading this. God wants you to know you have value to him. He has good set aside for you when you’re ready to walk in it and receive it.  And He promises to work all things out for your good. And if you don’t believe me, ask me sometime and I’ll tell you where I’ve come from and where I am now. I can’t wait to hear about your stepping out to trust him. Because I’ll be right here waiting patiently for it to happen. until then, <3 xx and oo, Kristen

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5 things I’ve learned in my first semester at Hillsong International Leadership College

So many people want to know what Hillsong International Leadership College is REALLY like. They want to know the ins and outs, the real peeled back humanity and the bits of epicness that drips from the edges of everyday life here. I’m here to give you the perspective from an almost 28 year olds view point. Feel free to share this with your friends who may be interested in enrolling!! #1.  Welcome to Hillsong International Leadership College. SURPRISE!!!! You’re about to undergo massive heart surgery. Hillsong Leadership College is all about who you are becoming, while also honoring who you currently are and have been. The situations that I have continually found myself in here have stretched me again and again, at times quite far past my breaking point. They have broken my heart and they have encouraged the crevasses of my very soul. They have given me space to become alive again. Room to breathe. Room to cut off old things that need to be done with. And room to flourish amongst a garden of other flourishing flowers again. Winter is over. Somehow, it’s almost as if each class has been intricately designed by the hands of the HS himself. The kind of classes that the Holy Spirit comes in to and sticks a needle straight into the most infected and covered up corners of your heart and begins letting all the infection out.  And the space in between your ribs there where the soul of you lives is the part where you basically undergo this massive surprise heart surgery that you’re never exactly sure if you signed up for or not.  And yet you find yourself lying back on this skinny surgical table and although you’ve been given anesthetic, you still feel EVERYTHING. Your very existence itself starts shifting and you can’t stop thinking to yourself,  “I mean, did I REALLY sign up for this? I thought I was signing up for a trip basically to a song-writing oasis in the sky...” Which leads us to my second point.. #2  Hillsong International Leadership College IS NOT Disneyland!! HILC it is first and foremost a spiritual leadership college amidst the frontlines of a gigantic spiritual battlefield. I’m not really sure there is another way to rely exactly what you’re signing up for except that if you think this is about you, you’re wrong. This college MAJORS on the leadership and MINORS on the actual stream you’re in. And at first, if you’re anything like me, this will disappoint you. For me, being almost 28 years old and studying again about leadership is a bit humbling to say the least. And then to be put also into situations to where what you just were taught in a classroom setting is challenged and you realize just how far off you are is even more humbling. Learn leadership while you can! Embrace it. Learn it while you’re young. Focus on your foundations now while you’re young and first beginning. You’ll set yourself up for the rest of your entire life so that your talent can then have a platform of humility and graciousness that it sits on rather than trying to be ontop of a platform of your pride and arrogance. Which leads me to.. #3  Your character matters more than your talent. Plain and simple. If you come in thinking you’re going to use Hillsong College as a place to set yourself up, you’re in for a cute surprise. While your talent will be honored, it is only the person of character that is deeply built and nurtured in secret places that will be given platform here. If you haven’t done the behind the scenes work in your life before arriving, prepare yourself because THAT will be the focus of your learning here until you get it. The sooner you learn what it means to truly humble yourself before God  (God is not to be confused with Hillsong leaders itself for self promotion) no matter what, the sooner you’ll become a conduit for the Holy Spirit himself.  But by that point you wont care as much about being seen as you will about helping others to thrive and feel at home. Speaking of home... #4  Your heart is meant to be a home. That’s what is being built here. It’s meant to be a home for God and a haven for broken people. I once heard this quote: “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” This quote changed my perspective on those around me and existence itself. Hope isn’t always the easiest thing to find, but when we as individuals can be at rest in the shadowy places as much as we’re at rest in the brightness of the sun, it is through those real examples where people can find hope. HILC teaches you what it means for your heart to be made into a home a safe resting place for the weary and teaches you to simultaneously guard it at the same time.  To be a leader of leaders, the reason for your “why” is crucial. And if you come to this college with any other “why” besides Jesus, you’ll find out pretty quickly that ulterior motives will not get you anywhere.It’s like a veil everyone here can see straight through. The “why” is not ourselves. The why is to build the kingdom. #5.  The secret place is everything. When we are singular in our pursuit of Jesus and Him alone, we can arrive full to every atmosphere we encounter, and that by osmosis changes engulfs the atmosphere with God’s presence.  There isn’t a person on this planet who doesn’t sit up and take notice when someone who has spent time with Jesus himself walks into the room. Your secret place(s) with God are EVERYTHING. What you take from your one relationship with him in the moments when no one else is around is what you will carry with you out into the everyday of the world. Until you get create a secret place with God in your relationship with him that no one else sees, you’re going to find yourself spinning in circles never actually able to come to an understanding of the truth. Hillsong College is a phenomenal place to establish this relationship and solidify your time with him. You just have to make sure that amidst all the hustle and bustle of “living for Jesus” that you don’t forget to entertain the presence of Jesus himself. You can only lead people to God’s presence so far as you’ve encountered it yourself. You cannot lead others into the deep explainable things of who God is until you’ve first discovered them yourself from Him in secret.  It’s all about becoming a conduit so that when your eyes are locked on Jesus, you so inspire those around you to look straight past you toward the object of your gaze.  When you’ve established a secret place with God and then established the boundaries of what it means when you invite others into that space amongst Him, THAT is where leading people to the presence of God will begin. The secret place is the foundation. The secret place is everything. I originally had planned to share 10 things, but I think this is a great place to end.  Cheers, Kristen Ayms

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INFPs I’ve Met (by an INFJ)

What I noticed and observed about them: (3 Males & 2 Females)

They are the introverts with a lot of friends. 

Each of them have some sort of hidden talent that I don’t even know why they keep hidden in the first place. They are just so humble. (It’s annoying– I LOVE THEM). Their hidden talent most likely has something to do with the arts. 

They are writers. The ones I know write blog posts, poetry, witty Facebook statuses, music, and lyrics. Self-expression is definitely a necessity for them.

Two of the INFP males I know have this innocent aura that will make you want to be super nice to them and even take care of them and not bully them even if they look so easy to bully. They’re that pure.

The other INFP male I know looked very tense and jittery before I first talked to him. But once I got him to start talking, he easily opened up. You just gotta reach out first.

Once you reach out to them, they will open up and you’ll discover that they are such cool people with strong opinions and beliefs. (pretty much closet ENFPs)

The two INFP females on the other hand were the ones who seemed loud at first–probably ‘cause they were with their friends–but ended up being really deep and humble people (I love it).

They are nice and civil to everyone. They don’t show it when they dislike someone (however, their close friends will know). They’re just that easygoing, which is why they have a lot of friends. (who are actually just mostly acquaintances to them–but they won’t tell them)

They have such good humor. Especially their sarcasm. AND THE TIMING OF THEIR JOKES IS PERFECT.

When they’re with their friends, you wouldn’t even think they’re introverts. They are so loud and lively with them (mostly the girl INFPs I’ve met are like this–the INFP males on the other hand are more obviously introverted). 

Everyone likes them. I’m serious, what’s not to like? They are such good-hearted and open-minded people (even if they have strong beliefs). Before you know it, you’re completely yourself when you’re around them. They just make you feel homey.

When they’re in a bad mood, they distance themselves. They just don’t want to be a burden, even to their friends. No matter how many times you insist to be there for them, they will shake their heads and handle their problems by themselves. After all, the fight is in their head.

When they present alone in front (in class), they can be the most awkward people ever. But they do have a lot of meaningful things to say. They just aren’t used to taking the stage.

Most of the ones I know suffer with anxiety. This is most likely due to the fact that they feel so deeply and tend to keep it inside–after all, Fi is their most dominant function. 

They are the nicest people ever (even if it’s not all that obvious), but if you hurt them on purpose–they will remember you for it. But they will forgive (on the outside).

They are the life of the party even if they aren’t loud. I don’t know, like when they aren’t present in their group of friends–there is obviously something missing. 

They are good with one-on-one conversations. It’s amazing how even though they aren’t good with big crowds, they have this ability to talk to a stranger for a second and make them feel comfortable (if they want to, that is). 

They are not boring– at all. It’s an Ne thing–their second dominant function–that makes them so talkative and animated. If they aren’t talking about something, they’re either making weird sounds to make others laugh or saying funny movie lines aloud (similar to INTPs). 

They are smart. They have their own way of understanding things and they are not clueless–I swear, they know a little about everything. Just give them a topic, and they will have an opinion about it.

They have trouble saying no. I swear, the last thing they want to do is hurt someone. (Unless it’s for justice)  

Music is extremely important to them. The INFPs I know either dance, play guitar, sing, or well–just need their earphones with them everyday to block out the world when they feel like it. 

The vibes they give off, equal to their current mood. They are infectious.

Well, what do you guys think? :)  Agree or disagree?

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The only song my soul can find to sing is Hallelujah, My King..

Every year that sneaks by I realize I’ll haven’t figured everything out and I never will. In the theme of life, we can give in and give up when we realize that or we can dig in deeper and come to an understanding of everything we possibly can. I think the majority of the time my personality leans towards the latter. I want to not know for knowings sake, but to understand. I want to recognize the best way to communicate with people. I want to understand how to make the best australian mocha. I want to build bridges between people groups where bridges aren’t an option. I want to understand how to best expose the smoke and mirrors of life. I want to give myself to understanding everything I can. I believe by doing so, it helps me lean more towards part of my purpose for this little big existence.  We can dig for all of the knowledge in the world, but until it becomes wisdom, we will never become truly legendary.  The last three months of my life have been new. Brand new, All of it. Australia the last time I was here seems like a lot of smoke and mirrors compared to now. I’m not just seeing Sydney’s beautiful body this time, but instead I’m seeing Sydney’s bones. Australia is almost completely different to me than it was the first time I was here. Funny how that happens. I feel like for a little bit I lost myself. There were too many things going on in my heart at one time to deal with alone. More than I realized. I was holding onto old fears and protecting my heart so hard. Instead of locking eyes with Jesus, I was locking eyes with my fears. I’ve been forcing myself, body, heart, mind and soul to push through many fears that have been hidden beneath my ribs since the last time I was here. I wasn’t taking time to pause and discover the root and rip it out. I was scared making contact again with that place in me where they began. I’m still mastering the art of walking in the newness around me.  The level of dependence I have to have on Jesus is crucial, and I have been learning this lesson over again in a new way. My classes here are extraordinary. There are 17 songwriters in our intake this semester and each of them bring a pulse and sound and word so different from the others. One day we really should get a photo of us all together. We have 4 tutorials a week, and all four are incorporating all of the songwriters together. It’s been amazing spending that much time every week with the same group of people who, although we have very different personalities, we all have extremely similar brain workings.  My skill as a musician is getting better as I sllllllllowly learn more technical things on guitar as well as writing songs. It’s a really beautiful thing to be in a place surrounded by people and trainers and world-wide known leaders who are well versed with a skill and the spirit of Christ and are more than thrilled to pour their knowledge into you.  It’s something else, I tell ya. ALL of these years, I thought my brain was just a mishap of stuff and roamings, and come to find out there are quite a number of people who have the same brain waves. It’s pretty spectacular for my understanding of myself. I’m starting to see what David meant when he says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I’ve never seen God’s intricacies in my own life in giftings and such as I have since being here. It’s the same way for all for everyone. We’re all fearfully, wonderfully, and intricately pieced together and instead of just seeing it in other people as I always have, I’m also beginning to see the beauty of it in myself. It’s pretty stinking cool too. When I first arrived, I was going about life the way I’d been doing the last couple of years. Calmly and collectively, realizing time was short while figuring out what travelling for Jarrod and I looks like, etc. I begin reaching out to the girls in my intake to begin a girls night like I’d always done and building a solid community which is such a vital part of my existence. I didn’t slow down to recognize where I was or what was going on in the atmosphere around me. I was just being a little naive gal thinking that I was moving to a little song-writing oasis on the other side of the planet for awhile. It’s almost like I was a little girl walking beside Jesus through the forest and singing and gibber-jabbing away about this and that when all of a sudden I realize Jesus isn’t beside me and I’ve walked right out into a gigantic spiritual battle that I was completely oblivious to. Even at 27, age has only ever been a number to me. But by this point you think I would’ve at least been a little smarter than that. I didn’t realize I had stepped out to lead other leaders, which is basically putting a gigantic flag on my back for the enemy to see plain as day. God showed me really quickly again that I hadn’t waited for his movements and just acted out of old habits. He also reminded me that one of my words for 2016 is habit. He is building newness into me and I am learning to walk in step with His spirit in me. He showed me first hand the spiritual warfare that comes from leading other leaders and just how unprepared I was for that weight, but that if I followed Him, He would build that into me. He slowed me down and showed me that this season was to build into my character and to only give and expend energy where He told me to.  THAT is a hard lesson. It involved a lot of misunderstanding, fighting the wrong enemies lots of tears and even more grief. Thankfully it also involved bowing before God like a little girl and revealing my heart to him. He took a lot of things out that I needed to geuinely hand him and he replaced it with understanding. It was as if He gave me the new start I so badly needed and forgiveness from and for others that I hadn’t been able to acquire on my own.  Although it was hard, it was very rewarding when I paused the storm for a minute to lock eyes with Jesus. The seas always seem to calm when we do that. I believe the hardest times in our lives are also the most rewarding when we become convinced of the process we’re actually in. If we lock eyes with our life and refuse to let it be taken away from us; if we stretch our arms sky high toward heaven and not let our selves become a complete casualty to despair, we will find that this life has much more to offer than we’ve ever totally grasped. For me, I’ve had a hard time writing the last little bit of life. I think mostly I’ve just been processing it all a different way then I always have and it has involved be more quiet than I was previously. I’ve learned that locking eyes with Jesus involves more silent moments during the recent seasons and pouring our my heart good and bad .  That’s such a hard lesson to learn. Since I’ve been here in Australia, I’ve had to learn again the lesson of what it TRUELY means to pour out my heart to Him. I know God can handle our thoughts and our feelings but I was so afraid to articulate myself clearly to Him because I was afraid that what would come out would hurt his heart.  I think what hurt Him more was the fact that I wouldn’t discuss it at all. I think He feels the weight of our sorrows and our feelings and our fears and our questions just as much as we do, and even more so when we don’t open them up to Him to come in. I feel like this last month, I’ve invited God into a part of my heart I have had a hard time really letting anyone into to discover. There is so much hurt I’ve felt in my adult life. So many losses. So many unwise choices. So many decisions I didn’t know how to make myself and was too afraid to ask. So much emotion I was terrified to feel because I had seen what I was capable of becoming when I felt them. I find it incredibly intriguing how what was meant for bad, God somehow anoints as our biggest turning points of truth and beauty despite the obvious mess we originally made. When I first arrived here, one of my FAVORITE classes I’ve taken so far was with Robert Fergusson on Kingdom Language. In this intensive class (long lectures), he explained how our hearts were created to function and when we conceal part of it, we stop the flow of give and take, receive and produce, love and pain.  Our hearts are meant to filter what we go through, not contain it in a keeping way. We are meant to grow through things not be halted. We are made to journey this life, not remain stagnant.  Since being here again, my heart has graduated to a new level of peace that I haven’t encountered and a new knowledge of it that I can walk into it’s midst at any time. I think we are meant to know our capacity as humans, and I think as spiritual beings we are meant to transcend it. If we can grasp this and begin allowing where we’ve been to no longer affect where we’re going, we will truely begin seeing the kind of change in our lives we really want to see. There is so much to look forward to here in Australia. My classes have been above expectation, the lessons I’m learning and the culture that’s being built into me feels long lasting. Jarrod and I are planning an adventure in May that will be a bucket list item I FINALLY get to check off that I never had the opportunity to check off the first time. I will be moving in with a tribe of women that I’ve felt like were divinely placed into my life for such a time as this. Jarrod and I are stronger than ever and are linking arms to figure out what it means to walk before God with humility and grace. To learn what it means to spend time in the presence of Jesus and sluff off our humanness for awhile. To be all levels of open and let mystery of a future with Jesus draw us closer together. I am repeatedly singing over and over hallelujah, My King. What Jesus Christ has done in my life is unbelievable. His gentleness to me is the most beautiful thing I could’ve ever received. Jarrod is basically the hands and feet of Jesus to me all day long, every single day. Their kindness combined is overwhelming constantly. For this time, for this season, in this place I am choosing to be completely here. I am learning everything I possibly can to bring back to you, as well! I cannot wait to share! If you’re a beginning song-writer I am friends with and you would like to learn more, please feel free to message me and I’ll see if I can help where possible! I look forward to seeing you all soon! Until then, all my love and hope, Kristen xx and oo

[doahe-blog]

“This could be the loudest poem in the world depending on how you read it.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbdSQ8MLnYs (This song is the atmosphere of this blog post.) Often times these days I have this sense that everything around me is just some sort of very vivid dream. Like a rumble tumble of time and existence and beauty and mystery all rolled into one. The lights on the streets here in Waterloo don’t remind me much of home, and actually nothing here really reminds me of home, so I sigh for it frequently. But it’s in that mind of release from my first home and the embrace of the new one where I am continually BEing FOUND for this season.  I have a heightened sense that these new desires in me are largely expanding and currently incomplete. I don’t know how to keep up with the new dreams I continually am having. They’re big. Really really really big now.

I have these desires to change the world for good and to expand things that are beyond my humanly sight but ones that I can see in my spirit. I still have a ruined mind at times from my experiences here in this earthly life that I’m having trouble some moments shaking off. It can be frustrating as well as comforting. Don’t ask me how that is. I’m sure some of you will understand what I mean. I’m learning many things here, such as letting my mind flow instead of filtering it on paper (or illuminated keyboards and screens). I’m learning to let my intuition take me to a place where my mind can be free to hear, to listen, to observe, and to respect the movements happening in the atmosphere around me. I’m learning how vast the presence of our Creator is in this pursuit. Constant sounds, constant construction of verbs and hands, feet and land, it’s this beautiful definition of life being lived out. I’m learning what it means to be living in sync with my Savior and step back out of the way so that the breath in my lungs can be used for something other than myself. I’m learning to trust him to take care of the needs I have so that I can be used to take care of the needs of the world.  I’m learning to trust his movements in me. I think He’s trusting me a lot more than I’ve so far come to trust Him. I’m aiming to catch up. I miss home. It still isn’t completely here in my head. I don’t think it’s supposed to be honestly. Some of it, yes. But not fully. I’m learning everything I possibly can to take back with me.  I’ve never had a bigger heart for my home than I do now.  Not Africa. Not Europe. Not Brazil.  My home. I miss safety I found there every day too. The world here that I’ve stepped into is this large expanse of mystery that neither feels safe nor small like I’m used to. I never knew how adjusted my heart was to smallness. The expansion seasons are a different kind of painful, but also necessary and gorgeous to witness. The circle of discovery of the world around me has left me wondering if the largeness of the expanse in front of me is actually better than what I’ve left behind. At times I feel like a singular Israelite that got left behind in Egypt somehow and yet God came back for me. He came back to invite me on a trip all of my own. It’s strange to feel left behind, but beautiful to know that I wasn’t left behind for long. It’s also beautiful there was another man also sojourning from Egypt too that I didn’t even know existed until God had us cross desert paths in the middle of our journey out of that place. The fact that He aligned my path with this certain man (Jarrod) at just the moment we both needed a real tangible hand to hold and love is so beautiful. I love how it happened when we were both at the point of wanting to give more love than we needed to receive it. We’re both continually learning how to stay full on Jesus and chase Him wholeheartedly with the most energy we have. In turn, we’ve found what it means to empower one another and build kingdom culture between us that enables us to not knock each other over, but lift each other up over and over. I’m learning inwardly there is purpose behind everything we go through. I’m learning that the crevasses of existence are elephantine and incomparable to any fore-knowledge of where I’ve been headed this whole time. Time. That word feels exceptionally bendable right now. Time has been bent and broken in my mind to a level that no longer makes me rely on it. I know my wayfaring is illusive and transit. I know it is short. It’s just a knowing. These are the musings that are repetitively on my mind and heart. It’s this urgency I have to get all of my living out while I can because for some reason, my living doesn’t feel invincible anymore. It hasn’t for some time. I have this heartbeat in my chest that moves in rhythms and melodies and words that can’t at the moment find it’s way out. But I’m going to figure it out. My days here have been wonderful and also tough. Jarrod has brought a level of beauty to this time around in Australia that has proven to be the best part of it all aside from Jesus. His patience with me as I work my way through a section of life I never even knew would actually come to fruition is pure and revolutionary. It’s all happening inside this level of love between us I never knew existed anymore on the earth. My love for him knows no end at this point. He’s such a beautiful man and I have no qualms or fears in typing that out for the entirety of everyone I know to read. It’s changed my world forever. My classes are encouraging and stabilizing for my identity in Christ. To know there are others with brains as weird and quirky and strange (love you my songwriting besties/fam) as mine being fleshed out into lyrics and melodies and song is something else. I wish I could invite you to be a fly on the wall. Something magical is happening between those doors and walls. Literally magical. It’s hard for me to not feel lost in the masses here at times, though. Not to be seen by the masses but by individuals. I think a lot of that has to do with continually renewing my mind that this sort of vastness is throughout the entire earth if you stretch the thoughts of your mind to think it.  The world is as large or as minuscule as your focus allows you to see. I think I’m having to train my mind to not look at the masses, but to just look at Jesus. It immediately puts everything into perspective. I’m not sure this first blog post came out whatsoever the way I intended it to, but my mind right now is swimming in new ways, so I’m just writing with the flow behind my eyes. I guess I’m trying to articulate much of what I’ve been feeling through this post instead of the usual articulation of just my thoughts. Pray for my body, it has been constantly weak since I began the job at Amazon back home before I left. I have been having a hard time readjusting it back to healthy. Jarrod and I are trying to get to a place to where we can afford healthy meals and be fully recharged for living because we’re both struggling physically at times. My tax return should be hitting in the next week or two which will help tremendously with our current not-so-healthy eating habits as well.  Please pray for God to create a clear road forward and to give Jarrod and I solid friends to do solid life with instead of casualness. We’re both looking for more in the solidness and we’re really seeking God’s leading on this. Please pray for me as I begin a new job into an area I’ve never worked before. I get nervous when I think about just the depths of what God is going to have to do in me to pull this off as the job is out of my human comfort zone completely. (But i am SO ready.) Please ask God to let those around me only see Jesus as well as for God to bless the work of my hands and grant me his favor. I so long to do well in all areas. I miss you all and I wish especially my close friends and family were here with me, per usual. I hope to bring as much of the kingdom culture I’m learning about here back home with me. Maybe even one day flourish that on levels more than one. I hope to post again soon. Maybe the next post will come out a little less prose and a little more thought -filled and letter-like. :) xx and oo, Kristen

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#casual 💁 #onlaketime #liveitwell

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Behind the scenes of the NewsChannel 9 interview during the very first session in the recording studio. 🎶🇺🇸❤️ Tune in at 10/11 tonight and tomorrow during GMC weekend! Thank you so kindly for your time and heart behind the interview, Hannah! #Chattanoogastrong #liveitwell (at Cleveland, Tennessee)

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Shared the stage with this bright-eyed bushy-tailed southern belle tonight! 😊 What a complete doll-face! You did amazing, sister! So proud! ❤️ Everyone, go check her out! FB page: Hunter Girl #prayforchattanooga #Chattanoogastrong #liveitwell (at Cruise-In Chattanooga Veterans Benefit)

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🎶Your love will surely come find us Like blazing wild fires singing Your name God of mercy sweet love of mine I have surrendered to Your design May this offering stretch across the skies And these Halleluiahs be multiplied🎶 #liveitwell #nofilter (at Flintstone, Georgia)

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2 million. #noogastrong #liveitwell

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Just received this. Professional recording, you guys.. You better believe I have tears streaming so hardcore down my face right now. This is all so so surreal. Please continue praying for these families. Maybe collectively we truly CAN make the kind of difference that is lasting!! ❤️ you all #liveitwell #noogastrong

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1 million. 😶 #noogastrong #liveitwell

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Received this about 20 mins ago from Murfreesboro.com #ChattanooaStrong has reached almost 1 million people in less than 24 hours. #speechless #liveitwell ❤️

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While sitting outside with my parents during the early hours of the morning, I noticed this lotus had bloomed over night out of no where in our pond. My dad told to me that lotuses normally stay fully submerged as as a bud and then when they're ripe for bloom, they only do so for about 24 hours before they close back up and find themselves submerged again, patiently waiting for the next moment to share their talent for beauty. It has always been fascinating to me how the workings of our lives are so similar to the workings of nature. We live fully inside our breathing for such a brief, brief snatch. We're planted, we bloom and we are submerged again and it's over until next time. Some of us won't get a next time, though. But the good news is we are each here right now. Maybe you're submerged, maybe you think you can't bloom again, or maybe, just maybe you've decided you want to bloom, and all of a sudden, you realize you actually have somehow out of no where. Where ever you are in the journey, just remember, like the lotus, the time we've been gifted to bloom is not long.. So come up, come up!! Be among the sun and bloom big and bright while you can. We're all hanging over the deck with anticipation and excitement for the moment that you do. "Perhaps this is the moment for which you were created." E. 4:14 #bloombig #liveitwell #theoasis (at The Oasis)

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I think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing halfway through how much you enjoy them and their existence😊 #hesgolden #nocapes #liveitwell

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#liveitwell

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In need of vitamin sea. 🌊☀️🌏🏄👙 #summer #liveitwell