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Michael Schneider

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my double breakfast scheme worked but moms found out

ID: Orange and white tabby with a silly look on his face looking towards the camera

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bout to hit my bitch coworker with the 'do you treat everyone like this or only your gay coworkers?' because i know she'll bluescreen about it. and im gonna make sure to do it when no one else is around just like she does to me with her snide bitch-ass comments. i've literally never pulled the gay card before, but i talk about my wife often enough that everyone knows. I've also got a reputation for being very level-headed, straight-forward, and conflict-adverse. No One Will Believe Her.

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I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do the dishes!

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the other night i was jacking my meat off but had to stop because i was suddenly overcome with a new interpretation of the problem of evil and my fucking vibrator died because i was too busy pondering that particular theological quandary to think about sex. so that's how i've been doing

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no offense but um…..off with your head

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Reblog to give a trans person a fresh and perfectly ripe mango wait huh

It's the wikipedia image??? How big could it be

What

Huh???

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a society that allows people to starve when there is food has failed. like. that’s it.

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recently my plug has offered free weed for:

bunch of ice

mw2 double xp tokens

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A good rule of thumb for AI is "would you trust a trained pigeon to do this?"

"We trained a pigeon to recognise cancerous cell clusters and somehow they're really good at it" okay great, that's something that could plausibly be a thing.

"We trained a pigeon to recognise good CV:s and left it in charge of sorting through all our job applications" uh perhaps consider not doing that.

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saddest thing that can happen is a cat so delicately and cozy putting their small apple head on your leg like a pillow to sleep while fully unaware that in like five minutes you're going to get up to go eat because they don't know human language or how time works

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Unreliable narrators are one hell of an idea. You can just write whatever, and if a reader points out "hey the way this scene happened should not be physically possible if it's done the way this character described it", you can just be like "yeah I don't trust that fucker either."