doesitreallyevenmatter

[doesitreallyevenmatter]

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"Apologies without change is manipulation."

You hear that, mom? Dad? Siblings? That's why I can never truly accept it.

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I just spent 30 mins walking outside with no phone so I drowned in my thoughts the entire time

I even made myself cry a little before immediately stopping cause I'm a fcking crybaby

Never doing that sht again

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Me: *gushing about love and relationships and wanting someone to cuddle* 🥺🥺🥺

Anyone: *the tiniest bit of affection*

Me, defensive: "shut up. I hate you, you're dumb." 😤

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Me: 😡👿💥😾💀🖤🔫🔪💉🗡

Person: *forehead kithes*

Me: ...🥺🥰🤍🦋🤗😊😖😇👉👈

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Person: *attempts to comfort me* "don't worry! You have the rest of your life ahead of you! You can get past this!!"

Me: "I got 19yrs, but I can't promise anymore than that. Maybe 20 if I'm feeling generous."

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One thing that really helps me in my down times is Mono.

I've never read the lyrics but just the feelings every song gives off brings me such peace of mind.

I love Mono, it's an absolute masterpiece.

I want Mono if it was a person, that's who I want.

They would understand that things are difficult and overwhelming cause they've been there in one way or another.

They wouldn't rush my healing process and they wouldn't rush my soul searching either.

They'd be ok with sitting down and being right next to me as I think over every tiny little thing I've ever done, as well as regret every mistake I've ever made.

They'd be ok with setting aside some tea, snacks, movies, blankets, and love for when I'm somewhat out of my stupor.

They wouldn't mind my tears, or lack thereof.

They wouldn't mind my horrible habits, and lack of motivation for the bare necessities.

They'd be there to guide me, motivate me, and sit down with me when life knocks my legs out from under me.

They'd be the nicest person I'd ever had the honor of meeting, a pure saint.

Please, I really need something like that right now.

[doesitreallyevenmatter]

Is it really that hard to understand that I don't want your help. I don't want it and I don't need it. Trying to force it on me will only have the opposite effect.

I just want someone who won't question how I feel, cause I'm still trying to figure that out.

Don't question why I always have my earbuds in.

Don't question why I sleep with a stuffed animal.

Don't question why I feel like crying right now.

I don't know how to answer, and I probably won't give you an answer either.

Just stay with me, please.

I don't care if you're worried rn, I'm probably spiraling hardcore but I need you there for me without question.

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Please, stop trying to stop my spiraling. Stop trying to reverse it, you're making it worse.

Just sit with me while I'm spiraling, maybe hold my hand or something to ground me.

I'm kinda always struggling, but just being there to hug me afterwards is more than enough.

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I don't want someone to come help me, fix me, or make me feel better.

I want someone to sit with me, chill with me, and understand that I'm not ok, nor will I probably ever be.

Sometimes, I don't wanna hear "why? What's wrong?"

Sometimes I wanna hear "is there anything you need or want? Food? Tv? Maybe just a hug?"

That.

That would be great.

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Me: *has insomnia and struggles with balancing everything in my life and crippling exhaustion*

Dad: "I noticed you haven't been getting very good sleep lately..

BUT

You haven't fallen behind yet so I'll allow it."

I love it here 🙃

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Me a few years ago: Damn, these sleep aid vids aren't really working anymore. I already know how they go and I can't even get to sleep anymore..

YY (iykyk): *multiple comfort corners and sleep aids with my fav characters that are like 2hrs long, really relaxing, and knock my insomniac ass out in a matter of minutes*

Me: ...🏃🏃🏃

[doesitreallyevenmatter]

I hate the pain but I love the suffering.

If anything I deserve it.

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Wait a minute-

You're telling me I wasn't supposed to be focusing on my faults, failures, and shortcomings all my life??

Damn, never got that memo.

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I was talking to my therapist a few days ago and at the end of our session, she said she wanted to get me evaluated because I was showing serious signs of depression and I might need meds.

And when she talked to my mom about it, she phrased it as me being "a little down in the dumps".

At first I was upset because that really wasn't the case and she knew that but I think I get it now.

I think she was dumming it down for my mom because apparently neither of my parents understand what being depressed is like.

I really appreciate her for that.

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Daydreaming has put such a thick wall in front of my senses and nerves that I literally only cry when daydreaming.

I know that if I were to take out my earbuds and sit down and tell myself that Shinsou and Aizawa aren't real, I would probably start sobbing after a few minutes but other than that I don't really show emotions anymore.

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Bro I post too fucking much