doidarespeak

[doidarespeak]

Applying for jobs and apartments so hear we goooo

[doidarespeak]

so my brother is getting kicked out. family i've barely had back in life for a couple years. the only family that treats me, knows and likes me, for me. he can't work, or can only work very specific jobs which he hasn't been able to do, even with his back surgery. fuck the construction company that won't pay him his settlement that got him injured in the first place. he was broke, but his place wasn't kicking him out. a little cash app here and there to keep him afloat. Maybe if i got paid enough i could get moved and get a place so at least I know he was secured and safe in that respect.

and then this dumbass escalated an altercation which sure as shit was him flashing his weapons at someone he shouldn't have, which is the perfect excuse for the complex to kick out a non/low pay tenant.

And I'm furious. I shouldn't be but I am. he was safe! he wasn't in the hot summer sun, he had a roof and his dog and food and water and just had to hold a little while longer and that's out the window. maybe he didn't have the right meds anymore, maybe old anger and paranoia issues popped up. I'm trying to not be angry about it, but i'm pretty sure i have the same issues to.

I'm tired of my set and forget ways, "if it's not my problem forget it, it'll disappear eventually." And i've have had to do this for years, whether because of Jehovah's Witness bull shit or just my own shit personality. And I've been trying so hard to fix this. Just be conversationalist, make new friends, let people ebb and flow out of your life

and it's just been shit. I'm tired of people just ebbing and flowing out. every time i get someone new i want to stick around they end being gone. and i don't want that any more. I want to keep people around, i want people in my life! and my life won't let me have that unless i go to the ends of the earth for people, or I end up pushing them away before I do. I thought stopped pushing people away. thought i ended that when i restarted my life at 24. and it's just not gotten better

I have the same 2-3 people that have a physical, tangible form. not just a good figment at the end of internet forum, and it's like i can't even keep them around. i keep gettign moves delayed, friends going to other countries, and me trying to tamp down parasocial relationships i know are going nowhere. just worry about me and let life take it's course

which brings back here. I've did it before, i don't give much a shit about the rest of my family. they don't want me, they want the fake person i presented to them for years just to survive. But lyman wants me as I am, and i'm in no position to properly help him. So what do i do, set and forget, hope he goes quick or just decides to be on his own, cut him off? Risk us both being homeless and financially ruined trying to get him out of another state? give up my dreams that have been continually dashed again and again and again due to my own mental health and general ineptness. I'm such a dumb person who can't handle anything and any time i think I may be too, any time i think i've made that progress

it gets thrown in the trash

the darkest parts of me i've tried so hard to erase and and destroy, just want him gone, i don't want to worry about him, i just want to run away like any other stupid problem

but i don't want too, but what else can do i do

just a shit tier person through and through i suppose

[doidarespeak]

gonna kill myself

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I know the resident evil movies are bad it's why I'm watching them but how in the hell is the T-Virus re animating a graveyard

[doidarespeak]

once again waxing about as i age my dating pool keeps moving more and more into "out of long term relationship/has had multiple long term relationships/divorced" and i'm still here with my has been on one real date and zero relationship ass worrying about how that's going to ruin everything and or me when i finally get into a first relationship that will probably end

[doidarespeak]

Maybe I’ll spew off my thoughts here. Side blog of #offciallyablackman