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What I Actually Do At Work

I want to tell you that I spend most of my day making million dollar business deals, firmly shaking hands over luncheons, and admiring my watch that costs three times what my outfit does - but all of that would be a lie, and I don’t want to lie to you. The truth is, I spend most of my day figuring out creative ways to tell people they are either A) wrong B) an idiot or C) drunk.

In the overly PC office world where accidentally catching the glance of someone of the opposite sex might get you sent to HR to discuss “threatening behavior,” you have to verbally tip toe around every situation. It's no longer safe to call someone into your office and say “What the fuck were you thinking? Are you a god damn idiot?” There must be a sufficient level of coddling, otherwise, you did not give the employee “enough of a chance to succeed.” Failing to pander to their lack of workforce function actually makes you a WORSE manager in today's world.

This is essentially the equivalent of giving every child an award in sports. There are no winners and losers, only “opportunities to grow.”

Don’t worry, horrible employee, even though you didn’t do any of your work correctly over the past two years, we aren’t going to tell you what a shitty job you’ve been doing. God (and HR) forbid we really drive the point home and send you a wake up call to get your shit together. Instead, we are going to focus on how much “opportunity” there is for you to succeed and see how we can “resolve the challenges” that you face in your current set of responsibilities.

If you’re anything like me, you’re contemplating stabbing yourself in the eyeball with a spork after reading that. Why a spork? So you can simultaneously stab and scoop out your eyeballs so you never have to read such bullshit phrasing ever again. (The spork is the second most versatile of kitchen utensils. The first is the Knoon - a knife and spoon combo that is great for cutting up and shoving as much meat into your mouth as possible. Or salad….if you’re one of those).

I get yelled at (or hollered at, depending on the angry person in question) on a daily basis because people like to blame things on me, like somehow their lack of success is my fault. Sometimes, they are right, but 95% of the time they are dead wrong because they didn’t check their facts, communicate their needs (like I magically know what you need at all times), or read that thing I sent them (Harvey Birdman) a while ago. They just want a scapegoat. If this were the real world, you could simply say, “Dude, goat fucker, I know you were up all night fucking goats, so you’re probably tired and didn’t have a chance to think before you blurted out your verbal tirade of vomit, but you are wrong for the following reasons” and proceed to give those reasons. But instead, I need to take a deep breath, squelch my kicking a baby out of a broken glass window level anger, and find a nice way to tell you to, um, “reconsider your stance on this issue, as we’ve had success using other methods in the past.”

Ugh, I need to take a shower because that last sentence is covered in so much horseshit.

It’s extremely difficult. Not everyone is going to be good at everything, nor should they expected to be. And, instead of just cutting the problem off and saying, “You suck at this. Do it this way because of my logic and facts” everyone’s time gets wasted dancing around in some sort of politically correct circle.

Ohhhhhh, better let Dave dance ALL THE WAY AROUND THE CIRCLE before firing him! Wouldn’t want to not give him a chance to enjoy the dance!

Do you think in the NFL they tell a slow, fat guy that wants to play running back that he has “lots of opportunity, despite some challenges he needs to overcome”? Fuck no! They throw his ass on the offensive line and make him block. They quickly evaluate their people and make good use of them, or let them go. Not everyone wins! That’s how life goes! Do your job better and don’t be a dick if you want to make it in this world.

So, basically, I spend the entire day restraining myself from calling someone a goatfucker. How dare you take away my basic rights as a human being? There are so many “opportunities for growth” in my insults, yet I have to dumb it down and be a nice guy so I keep my job. I hope you’re happy.

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New Years Resolutions for the Work Place

Is your New Years resolution boring?  Is it exactly the same as every other coworker’s (losing weight, working less, getting that big promotion)?  Do the words “earlier” or “less” creep their way into your goal?  Fuck that.  You don’t need to be a Basic Coworker.  Spice it up this year and be extra awesome with these New Years Resolutions that will simultaneously make you more awesome at life and your job. 1) Bang a Coworker - Nothing says “I’m going to fuck shit up in 2015” more than actually fucking something.  As an added bonus, working through the post intercourse awkwardness at the office will prove that you are a dedicated employee. 2) Maintain an All Day Buzz - Any dipshit with a flask can get drunk at work, but it takes a true pro to master the art of the All Day Buzz.  It’s a tightrope walk - drink too much and you will end up exposing yourself for the alcoholic you are, drink too little and you will end up in Nap Town, potentially lacking pants and dignity.   During the ADB, you will become more assertive, coworkers will be more tolerable, and those shitty donuts from down the street will become SO FUCKING DELICIOUS.  There is no downside. 3) Tell Dave in Accounting He’s a Fucking Dick - Dave.  Fucking Dave.  Do you know what he does?  He sits on his ass all day, adjusting his fantasy football team and using the company’s shipping account to support his side eBay business.  Do you know what he doesn’t do?  PAY THE FUCKING BILLS aka be an accountant.   Go over to accounting and tell Dave he’s a dick.  You’re the alpha male/female.  Accentuate your dominance by kicking something, preferably a puppy, to show him that you don’t fuck around.  The squeal of the puppy will be followed by the screaming of Dave as he gets back to work.   Problem solved. 4) Befriend Missy Elliot -  Do you know who fucks with Missy?  No one.

5) Take Steroids - I guess the whole “losing weight” thing is impossible to avoid.  Getting in shape is the most annoying of all New Year’s Resolutions, since mountains of people the size of mountain claim they are going to look better, only to end up wasting their gym membership by drinking Diet Coke on their respective couches instead. Since office folk spend their days chained to a desk, exercise is at a premium, making this a pretty popular choice for most cube farm fatties.  If you are looking to get in shape this year, you could be boring and go on some sort of paleo no carb salad juice binge like Karen in HR is trying, or you could just be super fucking awesome and take steroids. While every else is going to bitch and moan about how hard it is to lose weight, you will be on the fast track to getting ripped.  Also, thanks to your new “dietary supplements,” you are going to unbearable to be around since everything will now anger you.  Your coworkers will leave you alone and The Boss won’t fire you out of pure terror.

Steroids provide the perfect win-win of a muscular physique and job security.  There is no downside. Remember Karen from HR?  Yeah, she just got fired for eating salad. Or, fuck it, combine them all and take your new jacked physique over to Dave’s desk with a bottle of Jack Daniels and go to town on Missy Elliot.  This is YOUR YEAR. Happy New Year.

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