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Thinking about some of the shit people say while fucking in porn. Like “Yea u like my pussy?” What the fuck is the dude plowing you like a tractor supposed to say to that? No? 

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CREATURE????

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I wasn't sold to One Direction but they own enough stock to be on my board of directors.

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its a mystery

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met a woman today whose original real actual given-at-birth first name is "Vendetta." ma'am are you aware you are a videogame protagonist and/or a character in a skullduggery pleasant novel. real quick sorry to bother you miss but who exactly were your parents expecting you to avenge in their name

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I know that some British people take umbrage at Americans calling the Great British Bake Off relaxing, but it's just because GBBO is such a different kind of stressful from American baking shows.

American baking shows will be called something like "Cupcake Knife Fight", there's horror movie lighting everywhere and dramatic stings every 5 seconds. All of the contestants are shit talking each other and fist fighting over the one single deep fryer provided by production. It will show the judges all whispering to each other at their super villain table overlooking the whole kitchen, and one will be like, "Oh my god. Everyone look at Brenda right now. She's straight tanking it." And it will cut to Brenda, who is running around covered in flour and crying and also bleeding for some reason. Then you get a clip from an interview with one of the contestants, and they're like, "I really need to win this. Without this award money, I'm gonna need to close my restaurant, sell my dad, and live out of my car. AGAIN." Then the giant digital doomsday clock overhead lets out a horrid klaxon, the judges tell half of them that their cupcakes taste disgusting, and one of them gets eliminated and sent to walk down the dramatically-lit shame hallway never to be seen again.

Meanwhile GBBO is in a lovely, brightly colored tent, there are delightful and friendly hosts/jesters there to keep everyone entertained, and all of the B Roll is of like... a bumblebee going into a flower, or a lamb running in a field. And yes, there will be moments where someone will mess up their timing or something, and they'll be looking at their bake through the oven door like, "oh gosh I don't think this will rise in time!" Then they stand up to find Paul Hollywood directly behind them ominously. His creepy whitewalker eyes will glow white, and he'll say something like "the 12th of June. 2035. Drowning." And his eyes will go back to normal and he'll walk away. Then the baker gives a playful grimace to the camera and says "that didnt sound great, did it?". Cut to a sweet looking older woman sipping tea on a stool and she says "oo I do hope that Prue enjoys the taste of my sugary, sticky baps!". Then, at the end, someone gets a gold star for doing good, and the loser of the episode gets in the middle of a giant group hug. You see all of them at the end of the series at a giant carnival with their families and the post credits informs you that all of the contestants have become a Partridge Family-style traveling band and stayed friends forever.

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The Weeping Angels are really scary until you realize if any organism sees them they are fucked so they get hard countered by geckos, who don't blink and can see in the dark. If the Doctor strapped like two geckos onto him he'd be fine.

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Better: whoever wins the poll, we should all donate to Planned Parenthood in their name.

Please let's do this, it would be funny as hell

NEED👏THAT👏MAN👏PREGNANT FINALE POLL 1

[Poll 2, Poll 3]

PROPAGANDA:

[Grunkle Ford]

"He has that pathetic nerd swag why wouldn't I want him pregnant. I know multiple people who would want to bang that senior citizen."

"okay so this is the most breedable motherfucker in gravity falls. sorry but its true. eldritch chaos god triangle wants him so bad he ended the world about it, genius engineer wanted him so bad it made his wife divorce him, aliens want him, everyone in the town keeps calling him a silver fox and hot, etc. his autistic swag, presumable complete sexual inexperience in his 60s, and whimsy are a recipe for all to feel extreme lust when gazing upon his visage.

reasons that he is so mpreg-able aside, it is actually somewhat plausible that he is currently, as we speak, mpregnant. the new gravity falls book, the book of bill, had a website that was released to promote the book and also relay a bunch of new fun information and arg things. this new book, in universe, is written with the intent to be read by ford, and for the website, it is showcasing ford's laboratory. so one could view all of the material with the perspective of it being directed at ford.

one of these messages on the website is an image of an ultrasound of a baby-- a triangular baby. on it, there is the message "congrats, guess what's growing inside you right now! see you in nine months, papa!"

so…. ford might be mpregnant with his ex, bill ciphers baby. yayyyy."

"He's just so submissive and breedable. he should get a sci fi abortion. he would not enjoy fatherhood."

[Julian]

"he is EXTREMELY submissive and breedable."

[submitted by @justanotherkathrynjanewayblog]

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Well fucks? Get to it!

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As , the United States, potentially heads into another forever war I can only think of this quote.

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im cis. acab since birth

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“If I put a gun to someone’s head, say, a 30-year-old healthy male, pull the trigger, and kill him, assuming an average life expectancy of, say, 84, you can argue that possibly 54 years of life [were] stolen from that person in a direct act of violence. However, if a person is born into poverty in the midst of an abundant society where it is statistically proven that it would hurt no one to facilitate meeting the basic needs of that person and yet they die at the age of 30 due to heart disease, which has been found to statistically relate to those who endure the stress and effects of low socioeconomic status, is that death, the removal of those 54 years once again, an act of violence? And the answer is ‘Yes, it is.’ You see, our legal system has conditioned us to think that violence is a direct behavioral act. The truth is that violence is a process, not an act, and it can take many forms. You cannot separate any outcome from the system by which it is oriented.”

— Peter Joseph, from this lecture. (via universalequalityisinevitable)

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two bros, both alike in sexuality

in a hot tub, where we lay our scene

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A tale in 4 parts

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Alexis Mata — Daydream in the Cactus Desert (oil on canvas, 2024)