dojiba

[dojiba]

so ….hello. 

[dojiba]

Sorry about the inactivity on my blogs, lads.

I’m taking summer courses at my college to try to wrap up the last few credits I need for my degree (I should be done in a semester or two, thank god.)

Summer classes are 4-6 weeks, rather than 8-12 weeks, so that means instead of having 2-3 things due per week, I have 2-3 due every other day, so my brain juice is kind of fried. 

Activity will resume soon enough. 

[dojiba]

Every day’s great at your Junes~

[dojiba]

adachi​:

❝  HM  ?  is  that  bad  ?  ❞  tohru  cocks  his  head  to  the  side  as  if  the  answer  weren’t  painfully  obvious  ⸻  as  though  he  had  not  asked  for  a  mere  sweet  as  his  dinner  .  he  stops  ,  suddenly  pondering  dojima’s  words  .  what  else  would  he  like  to  eat  ,  let  alone  stomach  ?  ❝  uhh  …  i  guess  …  i’ll  let  you  pick  whatever  else  …  i  don’t  have  much  of  an  appetite  …  it’s  just  been  a  long  time  since  i’ve  had  something  sweet  ,  so  it’s  the  first  thing  that  came  to  mind  .  i’m  fine  with  the  leftover  nikujaga  if  it’s  too  much  trouble  though  ,  really  .  i  mean  it  when  i  said  i  can  take  care  of  myself  ,  you  know  ?  ❞

　　　❝ i didn’t know you were such a child. ❞

　dojima put a hand to his face in disbelief, fishing into his pocket for his car keys and double-checking he still had his wallet on him.

　❝ ...fine. i’ll get you a slice of cake, but... we should really start to clear out some of that nimono first. i know you don’t like it, but that woman spends a lot of time making it. ❞

part of him felt like he was bargaining with a child, except that wasn’t exactly it. after all, nanako, as much as she herself liked sweets, would never try and pass off dessert as a meal like this.

　❝ do you just not like the broth she simmers it in, or what’s the big deal? is it too bland? do you want me to try picking some sauces or seasonings to make it easier to eat? ❞ 

[dojiba]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟgaslight, gatekeep & guyboss *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

an independent, semi-selective johan liebert from naoki urusawa’s ‘monster’, [redacted]by wilder.

sporadic activity, as the mod runs multiple blogs.

　exploring themes of: humanity & identity, nihilism & existentialism, philosophy & existential dread, dissociation, derealization & depersonalization, repression & gaslighting, ptsd, childhood abuse, psychological trauma & brainwashing, suicidal ideation, fascinations with death & dying, and finding meaning in a world where you technically do not & should not exist.

bio ー (desktop) / (mobile)

rules ー (desktop) / (mobile)

[dojiba]

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒

“ am i not good enough? ”  

“ you’ve been so quiet. what’s on your mind? ”  

“ why did you help me? ”  

“ who do you fight for? ”  

“ why do you hate me? ”  

“ have you come to laugh at me in my miserable state? ”  

“ you’re not dating anyone, are you? ”  

“ i’ve got your back, okay? ”  

“ where do you think you’re going? ”  

“ how long have i been asleep? ”  

“ are you going to kill me? ”  

“ why can’t i come with you? ”  

“ we all have secrets, don’t we? ”  

“ did you want to be alone? ”  

“ why should i trust you? ”  

“ wait. did you hear that? ”  

“ promise me? ”  

“ why are you talking like we’ll never see each other again? ”  

“ do you remember anything at all? ”  

“ what? no witty remark? nothing clever to say? ”  

“ you wanna know what your problem is? ”  

“ may i have this dance? ”  

“ can i ask… what happened? ”  

“ how many people have you killed? how many? ”  

“ do you ever hear yourself? ”  

“ would you run away with me? ”  

“ could you be happy here with me? ”  

“ you can’t or you won’t? ”  

“ you slept with them, didn’t you? ”  

“ well, how do i look? ”  

“ after all you’ve done how can i possibly trust you? ”  

“ why can’t you let me in? what are you so afraid of? ”  

“ what did they do to you? ”  

“ so why’s it so important anyway? ”  

“ where have you been? ”  

“ why are you looking at me like that? ”  

“ why did you come? ”  

“ what are you doing out here by yourself? ”  

“ is… that my shirt you’re wearing? ”  

“ you… don’t like me very much, do you? ”  

“ why does it always have to be a fight with you? ”

“ why can’t you look me in the eye? ”  

“ can you forgive me? ”  

“ what if i never see you again? ”  

“ you were going to leave without saying goodbye? ”  

“ how about a little midnight snack? ”  

“ are you… smelling me? ”  

“ how did you get this scar? ”  

“ what do you want in exchange for it? ”  

“ what did you want to tell me? ”  

[dojiba]

adachi​:

❝  Y  -  YES  SIR  !  ❞  tohru  all  but  squeaks  ,  panic  -  stricken  ⸻  if  it  was  ryotaro’s  nature  to  bark  orders  at  him  even  off  the  clock  ,  it  was  surely  tohru’s  nature  to  react  as  any  obedient  underling  would  ⸻  this  dynamic  was  so  consistent  on  the  clock  that  even  in  situations  like  this  ,  all  it’d  take  was  a  stern  voice  to  awaken  such  a  response  from  the  younger  .  not  to  mention  …  he  doesn’t  really  want  to  find  out  what  would  happen  if  he  didn’t  take  a  seat  instead  of  trying  to  tend  to  his  guest  .  still  ,  it  doesn’t  keep  him  from  sighing  heavily  and  raising  a  brow  at  dojima  ,  mumbling  through  his  childish  pout  .    ❝  man  ,  you’re  such  a  hard  -  ass  even  when  you’re  trying  to  look  after  me  …  i  really  don’t  want  anything  .  except  a  huge  ,  huge  piece  of  strawberry  sponge  cake  …    ❞  he  says  ,  nearly  giggling  to  himself  at  his  own  impudence  .  who  knows  ?  maybe  dojima  will  spoil  him  …  just  once  .  

　❝ you want me to buy you... cake? just, cake? ❞

　dojima didn’t know what answer he was expecting, but it was seemingly leagues off from the one he got. having peered over his shoulder at adachi’s lunches on their breaks from time to time, he gathered that the food he ate wasn’t always the healthiestーmostly consisting of konbini ramen cups & sad-look sandwichesーbut this seemed to be pushing it.

　❝ but i thought you said you’ve been sleeping all dayーso, have you even eaten breakfast or lunch? ❞

[dojiba]

/mass-posts a bunch of replies and then disappears into the night again to do schoolwork./

[dojiba]

adachi​:

❝  THEN  READ  BETWEEN  THE  LINES  !  surely  you  can  do  that  ,  can’t  you  ?!  ❞  tohru  snaps  ,  perhaps  louder  than  intended  .  as  though  the  rest  of  his  body  could  control  loose  lips  ,  he  reminds  himself  ⸻  once  more  ⸻  to  curl  his  hands  into  tight  fists  ;  restraint  his  tongue  from  its  lashings  ,  but  the  truth  is  …  everything  about  talking  to  dojima  now  begs  a  response  far  too  internal  for  his  liking  ;  everything  about  his  senior  on  the  force  has  always  provoked  a  desire  to  lay  his  heart  bare  ,  like  a  fool  …  why  is  that  ?  because  he  was  kind  to  him  when  no  one  else  had  been  ?  because  he  saw  something  no  one  else  bothered  to  see  ?

hah  !  oh  ,  a  barren  heart  really  does  conjure  all  manner  of  fantasy  to  supplement  emptiness  .  he  ,  too  ,  has  fallen  victim  to  his  own  enemy  .  maybe  this  delusion  truly  is  human  nature  …

❝  ask  yourself  why  any  person  in  their  right  mind  would  want  people  in  their  lives  and  then  push  them  away  .  have  you  considered  that  maybe  ⸻  just  maybe  ⸻  my  heart  is  tired  ?  i’ve  told  you  how  i  felt  .  i  haven’t  just  been  running  my  mouth  to  piss  you  off  this  entire  time  .  i’ve  told  you  my  life  has  not  been  as  full  of  affection  as  yours  has  .  yet  all  you  can  do  is  tell  me  to  grow  up  .  because  you  don’t  want  to  understand  .  you  come  here  and  insist  on  speaking  to  me  when  it’s  all  too  evident  you’re  pissed  at  me  ,  and  i  don’t  fault  you  for  it  …  but  what’s  the  point  in  opening  up  to  people  who  won’t  listen  ?  ❞  he  inquires  ,  words  laced  with  a  restrained  frustration  .

❝  i’ve  always  wanted  to  tell  you  everything  .  foolishly  ⸻  stupidly  so  ,  as  though  anyone  on  this  earth  could  somehow  turn  back  time  ,  and  turn  me  into  someone  i  used  to  be  ,  or  find  him  under  all  of  the  muck  and  the  rot  and  the  blood  …  honestly  ,  i’ve  been  trying  to  find  him  for  a  long  time  now  ,  but  …  i’m  just  so  tired  .  i’m  too  exhausted  to  make  you  understand  ,  or  put  words  together  in  a  palatable  way  .  honestly  ,  if  all  you  were  going  to  do  is  yell  at  me  like  always  ,  i  should’ve  just  stayed  in  my  cell  .  but  you  chose  to  come  here  ,  dojima  -  san  .  despite  my  efforts  to  avoid  you  .  why  ?  what  were  you  looking  for  in  the  first  place  ?  ❞

　　❝ well, i’m trying to get to the bottom of what the hell is going on! trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. anything! literally anything. ❞

　dojima shouldn’t even be here. he was one of the only people in inabaーmaybe even in all of japan, with as fast as the news of this case was spreadingーwilling to even meet adachi halfway, and it was still getting him nowhere. but maybe that was it; maybe it was because he couldn’t meet adachi where he needed to be.

as much as he thought he was doing the right thing for his friend, a part of him couldn’t stand this. a part of him couldn’t stand to sit there and listen to him talk about how hard his life was after almost indirectly getting his daughter killed.

he was willing to concede to that much, at least.

❝ but maybe i am too emotional to be talking to you right now. i have a sick daughter to worry about, i have more statements i have to give to the precinct investigating this whole thing, i have a whole town jumping down my throat asking for answers that i can’t seem to give them.

　　maybe we’ll try again in a week... or a monthーi don’t know, maybe try sending me a letter this time. ❞

[dojiba]

adachi​:

❝  THAT’S  A  JOKE  ,  right  ?  ❞  tohru’s  expression  is  weary  as  he  lifts  a  brow  at  ryotaro  ,  forcing  out  a  chuckle  despite  every  fiber  in  his  body  screaming  bloody  exhaustion  ⸻  man  ,  he  already  struggles  with  having  enough  energy  for  much  of  anything  …  adding  illness  on  top  of  it  really  takes  the  cake  …  and  to  top  it  all  off  ,  he  doesn’t  get  a  nice  bowl  of  soup  or  something  yummy  to  warm  his  belly  …  no  ,  instead  ,  he  gets  heaps  and  heaps  of  that  crazy  old  lady’s  nimono  ,  which  he  doesn’t  even  like  to  begin  with  !  he  can  think  of  nothing  else  that  could  possibly  make  him  sick  quicker  …  and  perhaps  he’s  exaggerating  a  bit  ,  but  …  for  crying  out  loud  !  doesn’t  she  know  how  to  cook  anything  else  ?  and  why  him  ?  

with  a  sigh  ,  he  makes  his  way  toward  his  fridge  ,  and  peers  into  its  interior  to  find  its  usual  bottles  of  water  ,  cans  of  beer  ,  a  few  quick  meals  and  ingredients  that  are  probably  past  their  expiry  date  …  but  the  majority  of  its  interior  is  filled  with  nothing  more  than  the  myriad  of  nimono  containers  .  he  should  really  toss  some  out  already  …  

❝  i’m  tired  of  nimono  …  it’s  all  that  crazy  lady  makes  me  ,  and  i’m  never  sure  how  to  tell  her  to  stop  swamping  me  with  bowls  of  the  stuff  …  i  can  see  she’s  sent  more  than  usual  ,  too  …  ❞  he  mumbles  ,  and  peers  back  over  his  shoulder  at  the  older  at  his  remark  about  the  state  of  disarray  of  his  home  .  

it’s  been  weeks  since  he’s  cleaned  up  his  apartment  ,  but  he  keeps  it  bare  -  bones  for  a  reason  …  the  less  stuff  he  has  to  take  care  of  ,  the  less  energy  he  has  to  expend  cleaning  it  …  still  ,  there’s  a  few  articles  of  clothing  strewn  about  the  floor  of  his  room  ,  empty  beer  cans  upon  the  chabudai  inside  ,  and  there’s  dishes  from  the  other  day  still  sitting  in  the  sink  .  in  his  defense  ,  he  constantly  feels  as  though  he’s  running  on  empty  .  it’s  as  though  everything  leading  up  to  his  move  to  inaba  has  sapped  him  of  his  very  will  to  live  ,  and  now  that  he’s  been  under  the  weather  for  a  while  ,  he  just  can’t  be  bothered  to  take  care  of  his  responsibilities  .

❝  believe  it  or  not  ,  i’m  usually  pretty  decent  at  keeping  the  place  tidy  .  this  is  an  unfortunate  result  of  me  ending  up  sick  …  i  can’t  be  bothered  to  do  anything  other  than  sleep  …  and  hey  ⸻  what  kind  of  guy  insists  on  coming  into  someone’s  home  to  complain  about  the  state  of  it  ?  that’s  so  you  ,  ❞  tohru  half  -  teases  with  a  soft  laugh  ,  retrieving  what  seems  to  be  leftover  food  from  the  weekend  he’s  kept  in  a  plastic  sealable  container  .  ❝  i’m  afraid  i  don’t  really  have  anything  to  offer  ,  though  …  uh  …  i  have  nikujaga  from  two  days  ago  …  it  might  kill  us  ,  but  the  nimono  might  kill  us  faster  .  oh  !  uh  …  should  i  make  us  some  coffee  ?  ❞  what  to  do  ,  what  to  do  …  he’s  never  had  a  guest  over  before  !

　　❝ what the hell are you doing? sit back down! ❞

　maybe dojima was a little out of line to be barking orders at adachiーa sick man recuperating in his own homeーas if they were on the clock at the police station, but old habits die hard, as they say.

dojima nudged him with his hip away from the fridge, entreating him to sit down on his couch after noting how much he was relying on the appliance to keep himself upright. he took a long look into the fridge again.

　　❝ if you don’t want the nimono, then what do you want? i’ll go get it. ❞

[dojiba]

tohru:

❝  …  I’M  SORRY  .  ❞  the  apology  leaves  tohru  softly  ;  without  hesitation  .  there’s  not  much  else  he  can  say  ⸻  for  all  of  his  hunger  for  human  touch  and  company  ,  it  is  still  difficult  to  stomach  when  loneliness  has  been  his  default  ⸻  a  safe  cage  where  nothing  got  in  and  nothing  got  out  .  a  perpetual  stasis  where  his  sole  purpose  was  to  watch  his  own  life  pass  him  by  .  ❝  look  ,  i  don’t  mean  to  …  not  really  .  i’m  trying  .  it’s  just  …  i’m  not  sure  how  any  of  this  works  or  looks  like  .  pushing  people  away  is  …  kind  of  all  i  know  ,  ryotaro  .  so  …  i  always  try  to  do  everything  on  my  own  .  it’s  easier  not  bothering  people  ,  you  know  ?  ❞  

　　❝ it’s easier... temporarily. ❞

　part of dojima should have expected this; after all, it was just like adachi to prioritize the easy solution that might bite him in the ass later, over the difficult one that was eventually going to benefit him in the long run.

it was frustrating, but also sad. because it meant that the cycle was just going to keep repeatingーvindicating adachi’s thought process: if easy didn’t work, and difficult was too difficult, then why try at all?

　　❝ you can’t avoid things that make you uncomfortable foreverーand since people seem to do that, that’s exactly what you’re doing to yourself.

the less you deal with people & shut down conversations before they can even start, the less you’re going to know what to do. it’s just going to make it more awkward & more uncomfortable for when you eventually do have to deal with people, and then you’re just going to think that you were right to think this way all along. ❞

[dojiba]

yu​:

Now his curiosity was piqued, straying away from the depressing topic for just a a moment. “Adachi-san talks like that? I thought it was only towards me whenever I see him.” 

He sipped from his beverage to make himself pause and think. He won’t say where he met Adachi every time, just in case he was planning on chewing him out, as he once said.

“Ah, well…” He put his mug down, fingers curled around it. “Yes. Is it normal to feel lonely even when I’m with my friends?” He asked, sincerely.

　❝ he doesn’t talk like that to my face anymore, but i hear him talking like that to the others at the station. ❞

　dojima paused, turning his nephew’s question over in his head for a couple of moments. the answer came quick enough to him, but he had to phrase it carefully.

　❝ of course it’s normal. there are certain types of love that you can only get from specific peopleーso, even if your friends love you as much as they can, they might not be able to give you everything. your children love you a certain way, your siblings, your parents, your friends, your spouse...

i guess as an example... everyone in inaba knows me, and i’d say i have a lot of friends because of that. but i still miss chisato every single day. i still get lonely coming home and not seeing her here, even if i have nanako. ❞

[dojiba]

Sorry about the inactivity on my blogs, lads.

I’m taking summer courses at my college to try to wrap up the last few credits I need for my degree (I should be done in a semester or two, thank god.)

Summer classes are 4-6 weeks, rather than 8-12 weeks, so that means instead of having 2-3 things due per week, I have 2-3 due every other day, so my brain juice is kind of fried. 

Activity will resume soon enough. 

[dojiba]

tohru:

THERE’S  A  PAUSE  ,  for  a  moment  ,  where  the  young  ex  -  detective  stills  and  comes  face  to  face  with  his  own  youth  ,  and  the  inexperience  it  entails  therein  .  and  then  the  stubbornness  that  cuts  through  the  confused  stillness  with  its  anger  ⸻  it’s  not  fair  .  27  years  is  a  long  time  ,  isn’t  it  ?  and  why  is  it  that  some  people  have  all  the  answers  at  21  ,  or  18  ,  or  even  17  ?  everything  about  this  world  …  it  reminded  him  of  his  mediocrity  ,  which  lingered  far  too  long  for  his  liking  .  his  mediocrity  ,  which  was  supposed  to  disappear  the  moment  he  became  tokyo’s  promising  star  of  a  detective  .

everything  was  supposed  to  fall  into  place  …  what  could  ryotaro  ever  know  about  something  like  that  ?

❝  my  screwed  up  life  is  nobody’s  business  .  nobody  but  my  own  .  i  told  you  to  stay  out  of  it  ,  ❞  he  retorts  ,  glaring  straight  at  his  ex  -  partner  .  

in  hindsight  ,  he  should  learn  to  measure  his  words  .  he  had  already  embarrassed  himself  enough  ,  becoming  a  slave  to  his  fouler  emotions  and  letting  them  run  rampant  .  and  yet  …  perhaps  a  part  of  him  hurts  .  no  one’s  ever  truly  listened  to  him  before  ⸻  let  alone  bothered  to  ask  what  ailed  him  to  begin  with  .  everyone  who  claimed  to  know  best  or  have  all  the  answers  were  quick  to  rapid  fire  all  of  the  reasons  as  to  why  him  feeling  the  way  he  did  were  irrevocably  wrong  ⸻  deranged  ⸻  insane  .

❝  how  could  you  ever  give  me  answers  to  something  you  don’t  understand  ?  you  haven’t  even  asked  ,  ❞  he  says  ,  and  sinks  back  into  his  chair  as  he  looks  away  ,  as  though  all  of  these  things  could  create  further  distance  between  them  .  it  was  always  safer  this  way  ,  wasn’t  it  ?  

❝  why  did  you  even  come  here  ?  to  pity  me  ?  to  remind  me  of  all  my  wrongs  ?  to  talk  to  me  like  i’m  some  stupid  kid  ,  like  my  parents  ?  to  give  me  some  sort  of  bullshit  fatherly  advice  because  you  clearly  know  better  ?  if  you  know  so  much  ,  then  tell  me  !  go  ahead  ,  dojima  -  san  ,  tell  me  what  words  of  wisdom  you  can  impart  on  society’s  biggest  screw  up  .  tell  me  how  the  hell  you  help  someone  destined  to  rot  ?  ❞  even  with  this  falsified  distance  does  his  heart  find  itself  wanting  to  pour  out  ;  to  overflow  with  so  many  things  he  has  left  unsaid  .  this  sentimentality  ,  this  naked  heart  put  on  display  for  a  man  who  could  never  possibly  comprehend  it  ⸻  he  hates  it  .  he  hates  all  of  it  .  it  is  why  he  stopped  trusting  human  beings  with  his  heart  a  long  time  ago  .

❝  …  i  really  thought  you  were  different  ,  ❞  he  finds  himself  mumbling  after  a  pause  .  ❝  the  farthest  thing  from  everything  that  hurt  .  but  you  know  ,  these  bars  ⸻  these  walls  …  they’re  really  not  so  bad  .  they  suit  me  well  .  it’s  almost  like  they  were  made  for  me  .  ❞

　❝ well, forgive me for not being so ‘open & empathetic’ to understanding whatever you’re talking about after the shit you put this town through! ❞

dojima had suspected their conversations would take a tonal shift like this at some pointーadachi refusing to see him for the first few weeks had given him the impression that he was mad & stewing over somethingーbut he was still surprised with how quickly it had happened. things almost felt... normal for a moment there.

but nothing about this was normal; he knew that.

　❝ besides, how the hell am i supposed to know anything about your situation when you never tell me? you don’t want to talk about shit, then get mad when people don’t understand you. you want people to stay out of your life, then complain & ask yourself why you have no one in it.  i’m not a goddamn mind reader, adachi! ❞

[dojiba]

- releases an untitled goose at the police station -

　　pulls out his gun and aims it at the offending goose slowly approaching him with a weapon of its own.

　　❝ put the knife down! ❞

[dojiba]

adachi​:

❝  I’M  NOT  BEING  DRAM  ⸻  !  ❞  as  if  on  cue  ,  his  loud  coughing  after  he’s  turned  his  face  away  from  the  older  seems  to  cut  his  words  short  ,  and  whatever  willful  protest  he  had  in  tow  is  replaced  by  a  pathetic  little  sniffle  as  he  all  but  leans  against  the  door  frame  leading  to  his  bedroom  .  ❝  look  ,  you  shouldn’t  even  be  here  …  i’ve  already  told  you  i’m  not  a  kid  ,  so  i  don’t  need  you  to  bother  looking  after  me  .  it’s  alright  ,  honest  …  ❞

　　❝ just... quit whining and eat your nimono already. ❞

　well, to be more specific, one portion of nimonoーwith many, many more that dojima took the liberty of stacking neatly in the fridge. dojima didn’t have to say who it came from, both of them knew just as well where it came from.

truthfully, he had no intentions of coming to bother adachi like this; his original plan was to just stack all of the dishes in the breakroom’s fridge until adachi came backーhe wondered what he would dread more: the pile of paperwork or the pile of nimonoーbut then one of the guys made the mistake of telling the old woman that adachi wasn’t here because he was sick.

then all of the sudden, that old woman started showing up with double portions; it was far too much for any one person, he couldn’t just dump all of it on adachi. and so, some of the men started taking cartons home. but it just kept coming.

it was an endless stream of nimono. they were buried in it. consumed by it.

　❝ your house is a mess, by the way. no wonder your uniform is so sloppy at work. ❞

[dojiba]

adachi​:

TOHRU PAUSES , wide eyes blinking as he looks from the mug and then back at dojima . sheesh ! talk about not knowing how to lighten up ! taking life too seriously will only give him more gray hairs , won’t it ? 

❝ hm ? not really . you’ve been so high - strung lately that i thought i’d get something not so serious , ❞ he explains , though his confused , albeit shocked expression shifts to its usual perky air . ❝ hehe ! don’t you think it kind of looks like you when you wanna bite my head off ? so scary ~ ❞

  　　　 ❝ i guess. ❞

　dojima inspected it more closely this time. if nothing else, nanako would get a real kick out of seeing this. usually, to minimize the possibility of breaking or losing some of his more favorite mugs from home, dojima had a few that he bought specifically to be kept at the office, which he would periodically wash in the sink in the breakroom.

to demonstrate his appreciation for the present in a place where adachi could see, he supposed this bear mug would have to be one of them. but he’d have to make sure to bring this one home one night to show her.

　　　　❝ …thanks. ❞