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A domestic abusers road to recovery

Let me start by saying I am new to blogging and may ramble .. This blog is about my journey of self discovery. Letting other men like me who also wish to seek help know they are not alone and hopefully help them seek the resources to better themselves as well.. I will start with a little back story about me and how I got where I am..

I am a 40s male clean cut and a business owner. I look much younger then my age. I dress well .. I spoil women I am in relationships with and shower them with expensive gifts.. I help them financially and use that as yet another means of control.. I don’t use drugs or even drink regularly. So there is no substance abuse crutch to be used here .. I am an asshole plain and simple.. This blog is to put in words my road to recovery .. I am in the process of making the changes in my life that will allow me to look myself in the mirror and once again like what i see.. I am hoping I can someday be happy with the man in the mirror..

My childhood was traumatic .. I have no doubt the way I behave in relationships was formed watching my father.. My father was a raging alcoholic who used fists to discipline. He beat my mother more then once in front of my brothers and myself. My father was also a successful business man who knew people .. On the rare occasions the police were called nothing was done.. When my mother finally got the nerve to leave him after 18 years he cut us off financially. Back then the child support enforcement was a joke so while he drove new Corvettes we had oatmeal for dinner because it was all we had left in the cupboards.. If it wasn’t for my grand parents who were emotionally abusive alcoholics who never missed the opportunity to tell us they hated us and were only helping for our mothers sake we would have starved and went naked.. The two years we were forced to live with them while my mother got back on her feet were some of the worst years of my life..

My first marriage started well.. It was over a year before we had our first fight.. As the years passed and stresses mounted things got worse and I slowly morphed into a watered down version of my father.. After our cherry was popped and the first argument was under our belts they became progressively worse .. Children were born.. Finacial stresses. Infidelity on both sides.. A trial separation.. Reconciliation.. A daughter born .. Increased stress and after 13 yrs things completely imploded.. She was supposed to be at work .. She was hours late getting home.. I called looking for her and was told she wasn’t on the schedule that day.. Not answering her phone .. Me home with the kids .. When she got home the argument started slow.. It wasn’t until my son had her phone is his hand screaming at her because she had been messaging his peewee football coach about having sex that things got brutal .. I called her a whore ..She pushed me up against the wall screaming at me about how I had failed her..I slapped her in the face hard .. Once again my cherry was broke .. I was arrested I didn’t lie about what I did and when I realized I was being arrested i told the cop she was in my face pushing me trying to justify my behavior to him.. They don’t care she could have hit me with a bat .. I a 240lb man she was a 140lb female.. As I was sitting in the back of the squad waiting to be driven away .. My children watching and crying there was no shame I found myself wishing i had taken her head off instead of slapping her .. Divorce followed soon after with me having custody of my sons who wanted nothing to do with her and her having custody of my daughter who I knew I wasn’t equipped emotionally to raise properly..

The years that followed were spent bouncing from one meaningless relationship to another never getting close to anyone.. I emotionally abused all of these women because I hated them.. In my mind they were all whores and shady and I never trusted any of them farther then I could throw them .. I used money and gifts to control them and get my needs fulfilled .. During this time I reconciled with my first love who was also very emotionally damaged from her first two marriages .. I would have been better off to steer clear of her entirely .. She was as abusive as I was in all forms .. She punched me in the face on more then one occasion in the heat of an argument and threatened to do the same to herself if I didn’t do as she wished.. The years with her are now a blur. Not a lot of happy memories .. On again off again finally ending when she was helped to move 1000 miles away.. Our relationship was text book abusive on both sides in every way..

Fast forward a year of mostly being alone and trying to get my head straight and by an act of kindness completely unlike myself I meet and extraordinary woman.. She is motivated smart beautiful and single.. I did things differently .. I got to know her before even thinking of being sexual with her … We would talk for hours on end about our lives journeys .. We were in many ways quite alike.. And in others polar opposites .. The attraction was overwhelming on both sides and soon fell into a serious relationship.. Slowly old habits returned .. I would accuse her of being unfaithful constantly .. All my baggage I thought I was free of was coming back to the surface.. I started fights and arguments about everything .. I was doing my best to sabotage everything we had built together.. We would often argue about my work habits cultivated while single of working until a job was done and ignoring time.. We would argue about her children who were introverted and foreign to what I was used to.. Working over night was a fairly common thing in the beginning .. I got away from it and then as demand increased I was forced into working those hours again.. She coped with it until I ended up in the hospital for exhaustion .. That was what finally finished us off .. She was unwilling to stand by and watch me work myself to death and our last fight was born..

My job was the basis for the fight that ended our engagement .. In the past I would say or do whatever I had to to calm her down and get her back within the fold.. I can be very manipulative.. a quality that has served me well in the past.. I know what to say and what to do to generate the desired reaction.. This time I did none of that.. My things were placed on the porch of our home in boxes and I didn’t even have the balls to retrieve them myself. The sense of shame which i finally let set in was excruciating.. In the past I would place the blame on her .. If she hadn’t of yelled in my face and pushed me I wouldn’t of pushed back.. I am twice her size and I can man handle her like a rag doll.. What kind of animal try’s to justify behavior like that? A man like me that’s who..She deserves much better then the likes of me. I have verbally and emotionally abused her the entire duration of our relationship.. On the rare occasions when she would reach her breaking point and scream in my face I would throw her on the bed and hold her down and scream back. I am a piece of shit. I am the embodiment of the abusive male. I make no excuses to anyone. I have serious emotional issues . I decided it was time. It’s hard to put into words the shame I feel for what she has been subjected to. It’s devastating when someone is no longer in your life who was your everything. She was my best friend .. My lover.. My partner … When things between us were good they were out of this world. This is a journey I have to make for myself. It is way past time..

My fiancé is in fact the perfect woman.. She is smart beautiful and successful. Compassionate and kind qualities I have taken advantage of more then once to gain forgiveness.. She has a bit of a temper herself which only complicates our relationship at times. We have a strange connection where we can sense the other and what they are feeling finish each other’s sentences and always know what the other has on their mind. Which makes my behavior even more awful.

There are not many resources for a man like me seeking help out in the middle of the cornfields. Societies preferred means of dealing with men like me is to demonize and punish.. If I was an addict I would generate sympathy.. Seeking help and going into different places asking if they treat my problem is often met with a smug receptionist looking at you like you are shit on her shoes. Often followed by a snide ask your probation officer comment.. I don’t have one.. Thanks for your time this obviously isn’t the place..

After talking to a Psychiatrist I have spoken with at times in the past whose cure is to drug me with anti anxiety meds that make me a zombie who is barely able to function ..I tried a counselor .. The one I chose first was completely out of her depth. After several sessions with her and another explosive argument with my fiancé I realized she was seeing me to collect money and argue politics and I was wasting my time with her.. I have since found a clinical psychologist who specializes in treating men like myself. He isn’t well advertised and very little information is available without going in and talking to him. I am confident with his approach and what we have discussed that he is the right choice. He is genuinely excited to help me has a positive attitude and is very optimistic he can give me the tools I need to evolve into a better man. That is where I am now .. The sessions with my psychologist are in there intimacy but as I Identify behaviors and how to correct them I post my experiences here hopefully to help others

You know your a piece of shit when your finances white trash cousins drug dealer boyfriend confronts you at a Caseys.. I would rather a man such as him not even know my name .. Not only does he know my name he judges me.. Really some food for thought.. I might have just hit a new personal low.. All I have is wow ..