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that james baldwin quote where he says, “it took many years of vomiting up all the filth i’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before i was able to walk on the earth as though i had a right to be here.”
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Hello. Can the lack of red flags be a red flag? I’ve been looking for red flags for six months and have found none. I’ve thrown curveballs (not on purpose) and he catches all them. This guy seems too good to be true, or is that just my trauma talking?
May 27, 2021: Thursday Morning
Good morning anon. I'm sorry if all of our talking about red flags here has you hypervigilant in your current prospect. Let me remind you that red flags are simply behaviors that can indicate troubling personality traits that can make relationshipping with someone difficult and/or dangerous. I believe that there are dominants out there who are not a danger to prospective partners, and should not be throwing off red flags. Six months seems like a good long time to be looking at someone. Now, don't go thinking you've found someone who is perfect. Dominants are all human, so there are no perfect ones, including myself. We are all works in progress. The lack of red flags can not be a red flag after six months. You are looking at time based evidence that you have found a man worth submitting to.
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[2] Magazine (July/August 2001)
Photography by Studio 1435
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can you IMAGINE seeing adam west walk into an orgy and just start Being Batman… holy shit
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Owning Me Is Complicated
Occasionally I come across content that makes it seem like being a Dom is easy.
Order her around, make her do the things you don't want to do, do whatever you want, "win" all the disagreements because you're the dom - or even silence her from disagreeing with you to begin with. Get sex exactly how you want it, exactly when you want it. She's just a living, breathing object that can and will do whatever you want. She has no needs other than to make your life easier. She's your own personal robot, but with a body you want to fuck. Being a dom is like a regular relationship but without the emotional labor.
I'm sure there are other gender versions out there too, but I see the M/f version most often.
It's so funny to me how absurd that all is compared to real life.
Owning me is complicated. Owning me means doing way more emotional labor than a vanilla relationship would require, not less.
Yes, I do what he says - but he's responsible for making the best decisions he can. He's in charge, so keeping me physically and emotionally safe is his responsibility. It's a huge part of how he earns my submission. It's no small thing to make decisions when making them well is part of how he keeps me safe and keeps me open and trusting towards him.
Yes, I'll try to push my sexual limits for him - but I have complex emotional needs that accompany physical intimacy. Use my body without having respect for my physical and mental health and it'll fall apart real quick. And once again, making a reckless decision here that would leave me damaged and could forever damage our dynamic. Sure, he can take his cock out anytime and instruct me to suck and I will, but that doesn't mean it's all fun and games. He has the burden of double and triple checking that he isn't pushing me too far, or taking too much as to leave me empty.
Yes, he gets the final say in disagreements, but he earns that by hearing me out. He couldn't keep me submissive if he didn't respect my feelings. I can't feel respected if I'm not heard. So he has to hear me out and really listen. And then his job is to attempt to get the best outcome for both of us. He has to try to balance our needs, because if either of us gets neglected, we individually suffer and then the relationship suffers. So he sometimes deals with the weight of threading the needle between his needs and mine, his wants and mine. His shoulders carry the weight of those choices.
Yes, he can deny my wishes - and even my needs for a time, if he chose. But I am human. How long can he deny me things that bring me pleasure before I start to feel unwanted, unloved, disrespected, thrown out? Resentment would set in eventually. Self-protection would kick in eventually...and it might be too late by then, the damage may be done by the time I would wake up to look around and decide I didn't want to live like this anymore. Why would he want to even find out, given that he loves me? He wouldn't. He has a sadistic streak, so he likes to deny me things I like so that I long for them even more for a while. He likes to see me eager, desperate to get it when he decides to give it. He likes to watch me tolerate discomfort for him. Playing with these ideas require a deep understanding of my needs and limits. He has to know where "desperate for you 🥺 " starts to fade and "That goblin in the back of my head is starting to worry I'm not valued" starts to enter my thoughts.
Yes, I look to him to guide and lead, and he has a lot of power and control - but that comes with the ability to destroy and damage. There's nothing easy about ownership if you feel the weight of the responsibility you're carrying.
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Have you ever been pushed to your limits and wanted to tap out during crazy sex? Or would you never tap out?
Communicating limits with a partner is nothing to be ashamed of. In order to have safe D/s play, my partner needs to trust that I will be able to tell him when I need a break, when I feel overwhelmed, or when I need everything to stop. If I can’t do that, then it’s not safe to play with me. Never be too proud to demand a safe space to for your dynamic and yourself.
Some believe the misconception that a “good sub” will be able to push through anything and never “tap out.” Which is ridiculous. That expectation is a slippery slope to abuse. It erases the humanity of the submissive, and while we like to play that we’re objects.... it’s not safe to take away our ability to communicate true needs.
Hitting a limit can be traumatizing, mentally exhausting, and emotionally overwhelming. When someone tells me they want to “take me to my limits and break me,” I laugh a little because I’m not sure they understand how fucking miserable it is to watch someone have an anxiety attack. Because that’s exactly what happens to me if I am pushed near my limits.
There can be times to play with limits - discuss it with your partner.
It always goes back to communication.
Just a couple nights ago, I started to feel overwhelmed while L was edging me. My breath became short, and I was struggling to communicate. He paused, walked me through deep breathing exercises, and then he asked, “Are you okay? Are you green? Should we continue?”
That’s the healthy communication that helps me feel safe enough to surrender my whole soul to L.
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