dont-hug-me-im-built-dif - Tumblr blog

[dont-hug-me-im-built-dif]

I have 4 people who I consider to be my responsibility, like the get hurt of upset, that's my problem, I will and have fought there battles for them.

2 of these people are dating, and I was close to both of them before this, but I got really close to them, as we just hung out in a three.

And now one of them has really fucking hurt the other, and I legit have no clue what to do. Like Im meant to look after them, and I never could have seen this coming, and I have to pretend like I don't know.

I don't wanna hate the person at fault, but I'm starting to, and I'm so fucking angry at them and I don't get angry very much, but omfg

[dont-hug-me-im-built-dif]

Whenever I realise a man has done sexual things, or has sexual interests I see him as kinda gross and pathetic.

I have talked to too many weird men online that's it's fucked up my veiw of men.

I think it's just dating women for me from now on lmaoo

[dont-hug-me-im-built-dif]

Sometimes I wished people didn't love me or care about me, so when they fuck me over I don't have to feel bad about being pissed off at them.

Yes I am talking about a certain situation lmao

I don't want to be loved anymore

[dont-hug-me-im-built-dif]

Sometimes I wonder if I could have not had an ed brain

When I was a kid my mum was often to mentally ill to feed myself and my brother's, she almost never gave us lunch, and dinner was very late at night, and was often just a couple of snacks. I remember as a kid that when we had lunch, I thought that was a really good day. However I would also be a bit scared that that meant there wouldn't be any dinner.

Until I was about 15 I wasn't allowed to get my own food.

I also remember on days that I didn't really eat, and I was so hungry that "at least I would lose weight", as I was bullied at school for being fat (I wasn't, as honestly idk how I could have been).

I also used to hoard food, but I wasn't allowed to do this, so I would often hoard food, and then hide it, and eat it in a short space of time, as the quicker it disappeared the less likely I was to be caught. From about 12/13 years old I hid lots of food in my locker, whenever I could sneak off to the shops I would, but this couldn't be very often as my parents wouldn't let me out the house alone, and still mostly won't.

COVID was especially hard, and I remember getting my hands on a packet of shortbread and eating it within an hour. I felt so sick afterwards but it left so good to be full.

For a long time I wasnt allowed anywhere but school or home. I was only allowed to start going to the supermarket with my dad, after my mum found my su!c!de note drafts.

Now I'm older, and I get to go into town after school once a week, and I work in a cafe. I still have the urge to hoard food and binge, even though I know that I won't ever be in that situation again.

On the flip side I also have the intense guilt around food still. With my mum still getting cross with me if I eat too much, and her judging me constantly, and my dad projecting on me and lecturing me about health eating despite him being overweight and frequently doing things I would consider bingeing.

I've largely stopped pûrging now. I do it from time to time, but mostly I'm over it.

I do wonder if I ever could have been "normal" if I could ever have been able to eat intuitively.

I hope one day I find something that works.

[dont-hug-me-im-built-dif]

I haven’t stopped thinking about them, help