dontlookforme-blog1

[dontlookforme-blog1]

This couch is the colour of my soul, royal blue. I have been through a lot in the past 6 months. Overwhelming thoughts filled my mind and i couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I spent some time in hospital, came out with another bag of pills and a diagnosis. Borderline personality disorder. I felt it coming, episode after episode likes waves in the ocean, crashing down over me. I was in a very dark place for a long time. I no longer had goals or future plans. I couldn’t see a future for myself back in June. When i got out of hospital everything felt like a blur. I remember sitting outside in the sun listening to kitchen by cudi, i didn’t feel so alone in the psych ward. That song is so sentimental to me. Im finally starting to feel better. I went to Japan by myself a few weeks after i was discharged. My friends urged me not to go but i went anyway. The wifi was down in the air bnb. I had to deal with my demons head on. I felt like i was on the edge. I popped a couple seroquel and cried on the warm toilet for a bit. I miss those intimate nights with myself in Shibuya. I found myself when i had my head in the sink vomiting because i’d had too much whiskey to drink. I looked at myself in the mirror, wiped my mouth and wet my face with cold water. The sounds of the cicadas put me to sleep after a while. I got used to them, their sound is like a lullaby. I have been back at work, in a routine, saving and getting by for a month and a bit now. I go to NZ next month with my best friend. I am looking forward to being amongst nature, no work, no responsibilities apart from keeping us alive and not spending too much. Its been 3 weeks tomorrow since i had my last episode. I am evolving. Every day. I am growing, learning new ways to handle myself in a crysis (crisis). I feel out of control sometimes, when im manic i feel so out of control. I feel like i just have to do something, anything, to relieve the pain. Internalised chaos. My best friend came to my house and took every single destructive item out of my house and i didn’t get it back for a while. Knives, lighters, benzos, weed, razors, cigarettes even. It was so confronting when she dropped a plastic bag full of my stuff. It really hit me then. I have to get better. I have been focused, using mindfulness in every way possible. When i eat, clean, sit, drive, stretch, listen to music, shower, when i have a bath, when i wash my hair, brush my teeth or do the dishes. It has been helping me get by. Better than any therapist has so far. I swear all they seem to do is sit there and nod. I never really learn anything. The only thing i have learnt is to write, all my feelings and thoughts down. I've been keeping a journal for 4 years now. I dont know where id be without my journal. My mind has always been ful. Mindful. My mind is in the cosmos. It always has been. 

[dontlookforme-blog1]

S U

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CAUSED

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[dontlookforme-blog1]

[dontlookforme-blog1]

[dontlookforme-blog1]

i woke up with blood shot eyes 

sleep deprivation seems to be a regular thing

cant even sleep if i take a benzo sometimes my mind is in overdrive

[dontlookforme-blog1]

How is it April already? Its starting to get colder. I drove to Nan and Pops for dinner last night. I listened to Endless from start to finish. I felt like the street lights and headlights were in sync with the music. I feel nostalgic driving there. I take the same route every time and i always, always feel some type of way when i drive there. Nan sat beside me on the couch and held my hand. She asked me how my week was. I was telling her about how i feel in regards to my depression and the core of it all. The lack of love and reassurance throughout my entire 25 years of life so far, has created a deep depression and i feel as though its embedded in my soul. I couldn’t hold the tears back, and i really tried. I went to the bathroom and lent against the wall and cried. I splashed my face with cold water and pulled myself together pretty quick. My face was red and patchy and my eyes were puffy. I apologised. I got home around 9:45pm and got straight into bed. Dishes in the sink, on the table and on the floor. I tried to sleep without taking a pill, but i woke up at 12 and i had to be up at 5 so i took one. Not even that could put my restless self to sleep.