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[dontlooktooclosely]

Credits: SpaceDream

[dontlooktooclosely]

Jasmin

“I’m sorry Kyle, but I really want to be alone right now.”

He stroked my back slowly, leaning in to kiss my head.

“I’m here to support you, babe. Being alone wouldn’t go be good for you right now. I just want to help.” Kyle said softly.

I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut. Searching for the moisture that I had lost from crying. 

Last night I found out that Jaime passed away from leukemia. We knew his health was deteriorating, but no one expected him to go so suddenly. He collapsed a few days ago at home and his family barely had the time to say goodbye. Jaime was my co-worker and friend. I understood what he was fighting against. Both my parents had fought cancer, surviving, but changed.

Right now, all I wanted was the space and time to process that Jaime was gone. I know how I like to grieve, unfortunately, I had done it before.

“Please babe. I really appreciate that you want to be here right now and help me. But, I just need some space to think.” I pleaded.

A moment of silence hung in the air. The room felt empty.

“Fine. I’ll go.”

His body language changed. He withdrew his arm from around my back and sat up straight.  

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

“It’s fine.”

More silence.

“Can you at least drive me home? I walked here to be with you.” He asked.

“Of course” I said, softly. I sat up and grabbed my keys from off my nightstand. I reached for Kyle’s hand and intertwined our fingers together. He followed me out of my house and into my car.

The ride from my house to Kyle’s is short, less than five minutes. But, today each minute passed slowly as Kyle would not meet my gaze when I glanced over to him. The last corner passed and I pulled into his driveway. I put the car in park.

“I’m sorry” I said.

“I just don’t understand why you want to be alone right now.” Kyle said, looking straight ahead. “I walked down to your house to support you, and then you tell me to leave. That hurts.”

I didn’t ask you to come… I thought.

“This has nothing to do with you. I really appreciate that you came to see me. But…” Tears started to well in my eyes.

“But my friend just died and I need some time to be alone to process that. I’m really sorry.”

“Ya, well ok. I’ll go.” He said.  

Kyle unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car, without looking at me. He walked towards his house and stood by his doorway, scrolling on his phone.

A pit filled my stomach. I got out of the car to go comfort him.

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Disharmony

Content warning: Person feels pressured to engage in a sexual activity

Lying down and tangled up in Kyle’s arms, I was hot. Not in the physical appearance way, although I would like to think so. But in the way where the fan on his desk was barely making a difference. The blankets were pushed off the bed and his back felt sticky with sweat. We were both wearing clothes we knew would not be on for much longer.

Kyle and I were in a bit of weird place at the moment. Two nights ago, we had the worst fight yet in our eight month relationship. I thought we were going to breakup. The past few days I felt sick and panicked when thinking about our fight. Kyle was my support system and best friend. He kept me sane throughout the pandemic and I was not ready to say goodbye.

I felt so grateful that we were back together in bed, trying to move forward from our fight.

Kyle kissed my neck gently. He gently pushed me over so that my back was towards him. He embraced me as the little spoon. I felt so safe in his arms.

He began to rub my bum and I could feel him getting hard. His hand grabbed my chin and turned my head towards his. He kissed me deeply and slipped his tongue into my mouth.

As our hands wandered across each other’s bodies he whispered in my ear “are you going to give me some booty tonight, babe?”

By booty, I knew he meant have anal sex with him. I giggled, uncomfortably.

We had done anal a few times and I, personally, did not find it very enjoyable. He loved it, though. I was feeling bloated after having a big dinner, and not in the mood to do anything in that area.

“Please babe, it’s all I want right now.” He said in a sweet voice.

“I don’t know. I had a big dinner tonight and I feel kind of bloated. Can we just do it another night?” I asked.

He grabbed my ass roughly and squeezed it. I let him keep his hands there and I continued to kiss him.

I thought back to our fight the other night.

Over the past few days I felt the most insecure about our relationship status since we first started dating. Earlier tonight, I was acting carefully with him, trying to be as helpful and affectionate as possible when we cooked dinner together. I wanted things to feel normal between us. 

“Mmm, you just don’t want to give it up, hey?” Kyle said, teasingly. “But, I’m so hard for you right now.”

He was stubborn and I knew it would be hard to change his mind. I could not risk starting another fight and losing him.

“Ok sure” I said.

“Thanks babe. I’ll make sure it feels good.” He reached over to dresser drawer and grabbed the lube.

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Trying to protect your relationship moments before heartbreak

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Sneaking Glances

Kyle bent forward and kissed me gently. “Ok, time for my shower” he laughed.

He grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her naked body. He looked so beautiful after sex. Cheeks flushed, hair messy.

He walked across the hallway and closed the bathroom door. I waited until I heard the shower turn on. The twist of the nozzle followed by the water jetting out from the faucet.

I sit up on the bed and reach over to his night stand. I pick up Kyle’s phone.

6895. I was in.

The first thing I do when I check Kyle’s phone is swipe up and see the most recent apps he’s opened. Facebook, Messenger, Instagram, Text Messages. I have to look through his apps in the reverse order so that he will not suspect anything.

I open Facebook and check his searches. I don’t recognize the names. It looks like other students from his college. Luckily, it’s all guys and one girl who’s no threat. Ok no problem there. I scroll through to his Messenger and see that there are no new conversations since the last time I checked. Good job Kyle.

Next: Instagram. I go to his explore page first and check his searches. It’s all NHL players and I feel relieved. Last time I looked at his Instagram searches I saw that he had searched his ex-girlfriend which really irritated me. I guess I feel a sense of validation to see that he hasn’t looked her up in a while.

My insecurities drive my jealously. It places my hands on the wheel and I go into auto-pilot. Going through Kyle’s phone makes me feel icky since I know it’s wrong. But the longer I go between looking, the more paranoid I get that he might be cheating on me. I can’t ask him, directly since that would make me look like the crazy-girlfriend (which let’s face it I am), so I compromise and sneak glances on his phone.

I break my focus on his phone for a second to check for the sound of the shower. Yep, it’s still running, back to looking. I open up his texts and see that it’s just me, his mom, and a couple platonic friends. I read his recent messages with Sam and Jess just to be safe, though. I don’t find anything noteworthy.

I hear the shower faucet turn and the water dwindle. Ok times up. I close his texts and place the phone back down on the nightstand, in the same position that I found it. I grab my phone and roll over onto my back.

The bedroom door opens and Kyle walks in. “How was the shower, babe?” I ask.

“Very refreshing,” he laughs. “You watching TikToks?”

“You know it!” I reply.

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What a lonely, pathetic life I’m in..