donttell-okay

[donttell-okay]

7:21am, oct 19, 2016

hey. i see you were up 3 hours ago. is everything okay?? are you just getting up to pee? are you having trouble falling back asleep? i know you can't answer these questions.. i wish i could check on you, somehow. i miss you. have a good day, okay? i love you so so so much.

[donttell-okay]

9:08pm, oct 18, 2016

i don't know if you've fallen out by now. i don't know if i have. accidental thoughts of kissing you are nice for about 2 seconds before they just lead to flashbacks and so, so much guilt. but you're still there with me, as i go to sleep. my hands are in your hair, and you're warm [and fuzzy], and i can be a little peaceful, at least. i know you aren't really there, but i'd like to believe that you would be there, if you could be. you said that the last time we talked, didn't you? "i'm right there, even if i can't really be there." so i'm taking advantage. you are right here. right next to me. and i can fall asleep in your arms, and everything's okay in my world, at least for tonight. i intertwine my fingers with yours, and i feel safe, and comforted, and loved. and i can know in my heart that this.. that being here, with you.. i just know that i can call this home.

[donttell-okay]

8:25pm, oct 28, 2016

things are getting difficult again. it’s so weird that it’s been three days and i haven’t directly talked to you. i miss your voice. i hope your days have been going well. i hope your blood sugar is in the right range. i hope your son is okay. i think things will get better next week, after he’s born. post pictures and videos and all that cute stuff, okay? i don’t think i’ll be allowed to meet him in real life (which is sad and i’ve already cried about it) so i hope i at least get to see pics of him.

it’s weird not being in your life. i don’t like it. but i’m learning to get used to it, i guess. if i go attend in your area at the end of the month, and you’re there too, i hope you and i will make eye contact. and i hope you’ll smile back at me.

[donttell-okay]

8:48am, oct 18, 2016

i saw your snap. i'm living for these small things, fr. thank you for that. i didn't wake up in the middle of the night last night. i may have cried a lot over that "I love you. Forever and always. Don't forget." snap, but it did make me feel better. geez. i love you.

[donttell-okay]

7:42pm, oct 17, 2016

my emotions are all over the place. i'm glad i'm not PMSing or on my period, but geez. i tear up at random moments in the day, i laugh too hard at jokes, i make mean comments to anyone who irks me even in the slightest bit (i only did that twice.. in latin, my teacher called on me because i "had my hand raised" and i didn't have that question done on our textbook work, and some kid went "maybe you should've thought about that before you raised your hand" and i went, "yea? maybe you should've thought about closing your mouth before you opened it." and yea it didn't make any sense, but the whole class went "OooOoOoOooOOooOoO SHIIITTTT" but like.. i felt bad. why did i do that? and then, in gym, we were playing badminton, and my group was up against this group of annoying boys, and one of them hit the birdie and it hit me in the face, and i pointed RIGHT at him and went, "are you sorry? because i can make you sorry, you little bitch" LIKE WHAT? THIS IS NOT ME. i laughed it off as to show him i was only teasing, because i really didn't mean anything by it, and my teammates were the only person who heard the "you little b" part.. and they laughed, but SHEESH. i owe you 57¢.) i don't like this mean me. i hope it's a small symptom of withdrawal or whatever. i want it to go away. i know you wouldn't like this side, and you'd probably ask me to please be nicer, because you're a good person like that. you're kind of like my conscience. like that one scene in finding nemo, y'know? i'll be dory and you'll be marlin. helping me stay on the right path and all that. geez, i miss you. stay in my head, okay? i need you there. can't go wrong if i've got you with me.

[donttell-okay]

5:22pm, oct 17, 2016

babygirl? babygirl, i miss you... please call me... let me hear your voice again..

[donttell-okay]

1:29pm, oct 17, 2016

it's a little sad that i can say "i feel like dying" aloud, and the only responses i get are smiles, or "same"s. i've done that at least four times today. i'm not suicidal. i would like for my life to continue. but i want you to be in it!! and i know you can't be. not much, anyway. this sucks. i miss you. so much. so so so much. i'm trying to be strong, i promise.

[donttell-okay]

10:57am, oct 17, 2016

i'm looking through my notes app. i'm sorry we'll never go to the renwick gallery together, or eat ramen together, or wear our power ranger onesies at the same time.. i'll post logs here. i mean the "back up" ones. not conversation ones. but hey, a year ago, we had a 3h 57m conversation from the 16th to the 17th. you called at 12:01am, but yea. we stayed up until 4am, talking about organ things and orchestra things, and i read some journal entries to you or something, and we both wanted my "dying wish" (which came true, a handful of times), and you told me about [the] bunny, and you randomly went "weeeee!" ..just like a flying pig :) man, that was a nice conversation. my emotions are so mixed right now. i miss you, and i'm sad, and things feel empty, but at the same time, i'm happy when i look back at all the awesome moments we had. i think your snap story today really lifted my mood up. thank you so much. and hey.. i love you so much. forever and always. i promise.

[donttell-okay]

9:45am, oct 17, 2016

i am a mess. i'm sorry. but hey. you liked one of my posts. yay! you're there! you see me!! i know it's probably so pathetic of me to basically be living for small things like this, but it's all i have of you. the day has barely started and i've written you three times already? i wonder if you see these. i know there's no way of telling me, but I'd like to think you do. i'd like to think you're sending me telepathic messages, and hugs, and all that stuff. you probably aren't.. i don't know. believing those things is what is keeping me going. so i'm going to hold onto them, if that's okay.

[donttell-okay]

7:48am, oct 17, 2016

i held a knife up to my wrist this morning. i thought, what if i did it? not to die, but to at least get hospitalized. would that be a good enough reason to call you? to come back into contact with you? i'm dying, here. but maybe i'm not dying enough. these are bad reasons to hurt myself, i know. i think i'm desperate at this point. i'm so desperate. i'm losing myself. i'm lost. i'm dissociating. everything is gone and nothing feels real. i need you. i have nobody. please, please, please. break a rule. at least say "hi", or post something, or like one of my posts. this is pure desperation and i hate it. but my life is starting to become this. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't want to exist anymore. superhero, life saver.. please.. save me.

[donttell-okay]

3:19am, oct 17, 2016

i just woke up. i keep on hoping that i’ll see some message from you, somewhere, even if it’s not directly to me… i know i need to stop hoping for that. i wish i could know how you’re doing. are you dealing okay? have you been occupying yourself? i hope you haven’t been blaming yourself..

i hope you aren’t sick, either. i don’t know if your pregnancy negates the whole “emotions taking a toll on my body” thing… cause i think my emotions are doing that. i was getting better, too… now i just feel worse. so much worse.

i really need you. i say that nearly every time i write here, i know.. speaking of which, i wrote you like, seven times yesterday. that’s kind of sad, as it was only one day in.

I DON’T WANNA LOSE CONTACT WITH YOU!!! I KNOW WE CAN’T COMMUNICATE BUT THIS IS REALLY FRUSTRATING!!! i can’t switch so suddenly. i can’t go from hearing about your day and your mood and your well-being every single day and then suddenly just switch. i can’t. it’s killing me.

i hope you’re seeing this. i hope you know that i miss you and i love you. i’m sure you know that without me telling you, but yea. you take care, okay? i know every entry is all over the place. i'm sorry.

i'm sure i'll be writing again soon. i hope you're sleeping, and i hope this has become more bearable. this is day 2. the day of your favorite number :)

ugh, i miss you...

[donttell-okay]

10:28pm, oct 16, 2016

this is difficult. but we will learn, i suppose.

goodnight, best friend. i’m sending hugs and running my hands through your hair.

sleep well, okay? i hope you have sweet dreams.

i love you. forever and always.

[donttell-okay]

9:17pm, oct 16, 2016

i wish a compromise was appropriate. i understand that what happened was wrong, and i have accepted the fact that i probably will never forgive myself, and i am content with it. it's hard to be content with guilt, but it isn't eating me up TOO much. i know that if i let it, then i'd overthink and i would most likely trigger myself or end up breaking a promise. but look. i just.. why can't there be a compromise? a call, on the 29th of every month? i understand that would skip friday, but i would have something to look forward to, y'know? i'm dying here. i really feel like i'm dying. and disassociating. but i will check back in tomorrow, and the next day, and the next week, and the next month, and hopefully by january 9, i will be content. and i will not feel like dying every aching second. i don't know. i'll still love you, i know that. but even you know that. you know that i'll always love you. and i hope that i can be accurate when i say that i know you'll always love me. i'd like to believe in our love. and so i am. i hope you are too.

[donttell-okay]

9:13pm, oct 16, 2016

can i call you? can i please call you? i listened to the one voice message you've left on my phone, from march 27. i watched your "here by me" video at 4am. i keep on replaying things you've said from last nights conversation, over and over, and over and over, until the tears stop coming or until i can breathe again. i'm struggling, here. i almost passed out twice today because i couldn't breathe. crying is exhausting. and crying like this.. y'know.. not just a few tears and silent breathing and occasional deep breaths.. these cries.. they even scare me!! i scream. i do. it's horrifying. when my family isn't home, i just let it all out. i cry, and i can't breathe, and there is so much emotion that the only way i can let it escape is by screaming. i don't scream for long. i don't sound like i'm being possessed, or anything. they're just cries for help. i need you. i really, really need you. i know it's only day one, and i know things will probably get better, but i just.. i need you.

[donttell-okay]

7:11pm, oct 16, 2016

it wasn't an accident. i just wanted to know you were there. because i'm going insane. i feel like nothing is real anymore. i'm sorry for lying. but something small, like seeing that you saw my message.. it helps a lot. i'm a mess. i'm sorry. i love you.

[donttell-okay]

3:17pm, oct 16, 2016

i called a hotline. can you believe that? i went and called a hotline, because i am so desperate to talk to someone about this. i didn't give them details, i just.. yea. said i was going through a "break up" and just needed someone to talk to.

i feel like i'm tearing myself apart. i'm not suicidal. i don't think so, anyway. if i was, is that a good enough reason to call you and ask you to tell me not to kill myself?

[donttell-okay]

9:17am, oct 16, 2016

i’m not home. but i went out into the back field and stood in the sunlight that was shining on a tree. it was nice. i took in the sun, and heard all the birds chirping, and i sent a telepathic message to you.

i cried a little bit, too. i’ve been sending telepathic messages.. but i said this one aloud..

good morning, my love. i hope you slept well. i hope you had good dreams. i hope you’re okay, and i hope your son is okay, and i hope your husband is okay. take care, okay? i love you so much.