dontwannabefat - Tumblr blog

[dontwannabefat]

Today, my boyfriend was straddling my waist while I was lying on the floor, trying to get my heartrate down. He leaned back slightly and went "Holy shit, I can feel your hip bones under me!"

Oh, baby boy, you have no idea what amazing motivation you just gave me!

[dontwannabefat]

I couldn't sleep, so I biked around downtown for an hour and relished in the cooler nighttime air that doesn't make my heartrate skyrocket because, on top of my ED, I also have chronic health problems.

But hey, the meds I'm on absolutely kill my appetite, so I don't often eat much beyond breakfast because I have to take them with food. Dropped 8 pounds in just a couple weeks.

But they don't really help with my chronic pain as much as I wished they would, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so I'm worried that they'll make me switch meds or try to make me eat more.

I'm also just tired of something as simple as a walk making my heart race and my vision spotty. I tried riding my bike to work and it made my vision black out. When my vision came back when I was sitting on the sidewalk, my heartrate was 185. I was on a flat stretch of road, so it wasn't because I was overexerting myself.

I'm just sort of rambling, I can't really vent this stuff to anyone. I don't have anyone my age to vent to who would understand. I'm in my early twenties and I got excited because I was finally able to buy myself forearm crutches because the cane I use is causing shoulder pain.

I should be able to go out to the bar with my friends and out to dinner with my boyfriend, not sit in the doctor's office and be way too familiar with the intake process and exactly how hard to squeeze to give blood for them to run more tests. I should be able to run and jump and have fun on my days off, not lie in bed and cry because the weather took a turn that makes my pain flare.

I shouldn't have a heart rate of 110 when I'm just standing.

I'm tired of being the sick friend

I'm tired of the confused and judgmental stares because I'm a young person that looks healthy but has a mobility aid.

I'm tired of blood tests coming back fine.

I'm tired of doctors that don't listen to me and just stick me in physical therapy that just makes me feel like shit.

I'm tired of people pitying me, their "I'll pray for you"s

I'm tired of having to be happy and peppy all the time so that I'm not "that depressing sick kid"

I'm tired of not being able to dance anymore

I'm tired of my life revolving around my disability

I'm tired of new meds and new side effects

I'm so damn tired of everything, but I don't want to die, I just don't want to be in pain

[dontwannabefat]

When the energy drink you bought tastes awful, but has 0 calories

[dontwannabefat]

Hey lovelies!

For all my anas out there with a higher SW that feel like they don't look different despite losing more weight than anas that start out smaller, I just want to give you a visual.

"I've lost 90 pounds, but that's not much for my SW!"

Wanna know something that's 90 pounds? MY DOG

This absolute unit of a 1 year old Old English Sheepdog puppy that weighs enough that we had to reenforce the fencing running through our hedge in the back yard because he BENT it. As in, pushed it down with his front paws before trotting through the hedge and into the neighbors backyard like the smug little bastard he is.

You "only" lost the equivalent of a dog whose paws are legit the size of the palm of my hand.

"Oh, I've only lost 30 pounds"

That's how much he weighed at 12 weeks when we got him! That's the size of many regular sized dogs! That's a whole lotta dog!

From now on, you have my permission to recontextualize the weight you've lost into how many Sullivans (or Baby Sullivans) that would be.

"I lost 20 pounds" nonono, you've lost 2/3 a Baby Sully.

"I lost 45 pounds" now it's 1.5 Baby Sullys, or .5 Sullivans

Go forth and proper y'all

[dontwannabefat]

*only has a meal replacement shake for dinner 2 days in a row*

*calls it intermittent fasting*

Ah, yes

~HEALTH~

[dontwannabefat]

Ooh, I have these ones with rips and what I call sport stripes that make my legs look super long

Does anyone else has a pair of favourite jeans cause they make you feel skinny?!

[dontwannabefat]

If I eat one meal replacement a day (or 2 if I'm feeling super sluggish) I have at least a month supply or so for eating like 110-220 calories a day. It'll help me restrict and keep my room cleaner because I won't have dishes to take care of

[dontwannabefat]

I don’t want to be huge

I want to float and not make the ground shake when I walk

I want to look ethereal

[dontwannabefat]

If y'all are looking for a meal replacement shake powder that tastes good without adding extra calories in milk, I'd like to recommend 310 nutrition, specifically the salted caramel flavor. It's 30ish dollars for a 14 serving supply, though I think they have a sale right now. It's 110 calories per serving, and it's amazing if you add something like iced coffee and ice in a blender bottle. Get your caffeine, protein, and a fast meal in one go, AND it's plant based, so no bloating for my lactose intolerant anas. And you get more nutrients than with other meals that amount of calories

[dontwannabefat]

...anyways, I'm off to take 4 times the recommended dose of ibuprofen

[dontwannabefat]

Went to the drug store down the road from me to buy a new TENS pack, compression socks and other pain relief things like roll on aspercreme. The cashier looks at them and is like "Oh, it's so nice of you to help your grandparents out like this!"

I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was all, in fact, for my 21 year old self with chronic back pain and bad ankles that cramp when the temperature dips.

As I'm typing this, I'm kinda wishing their compression sleeves were in stock, because my arms are bitching at me too.

...and my upper back, my shoulders, my neck, and my knees...

[dontwannabefat]

Hey guys, let me know if this is a stupid ass idea (I've had waaay too much limoncello and vodka (I'm of legal drinking age in the good ol' US of A, no illegal shenanigans happening here) tonight lmao, don't even know how I can type so well despite not being able to walk in a straight line, maybe because I type w/o glasses on all the time and I'm blind as a bat lmfao).

Not recommending this for anyone else, but I'm imagining a three day fast followed by a 500 calorie day, rinse and repeat until I lose the weight and these dumbass dysphoria and anxiety inducing gazongas that are the useless sacks of fat on my chest that make me look so much fatter than I am.

I should probably start taking my meds again. My ADHD brain has been kicking my ass and I have a couple months supply when I should only have half a month. Wellbutrin barely does anything at all, but it's better than jack shit. I should know better. I'm self aware enough to know that I shouldn't stop taking my meds when I "feel better" because I know I'm not cured of my mental illness(es) just because I feel like a normal human, the medication is what's stabilizing the hormones and chemicals in my brain. It also isn't the "magic bullet" that will solve my problems like my mom seems to think I believe. The issue is working around the forgetfulness that comes with my particular ADHD experience. I have an awful time remembering shit, even if I thought about it mere seconds ago. It's so frustrating, this feeling of not being in control of your own mind. Imagine that blip of drawing a blank when you walk into another room to get something, only to forget what you were grabbing, but for every other thought. Partway through a sentence, you forget what you were saying. Or, hell, even forgetting if you told a customer what promotion the store has going if they sign up for a store credit card. It's literal hell without my meds, and I need to get back on track. I bought myself some pens, and I'm going to pick up a journal to write down what I think are important thoughts. If you've read this far, please dear God blow up my notifs to remind me to get a journal/planner tomorrow (September 10, 2020) so I don't fucking forget again.

I'm done ranting, since I've fucking forgotten what point I was trying to make with this rant. Just...give me motivation/ thoughts for my stupid personal diet plan. Just please don't think I want anyone else to do the "diet" with me. It's probably stupidly dangerous, since the only thing I'll be "eating" on the fasting days is a 5 calorie multivitamin that doesn't make me dry heave into my toilet for an hour. And the fact that a 100 ish calories on my eating day will come from vodka, because what's a mental illness without a little bit of beginner alcoholism to cope with my mentally (sometimes physically) abusive mother whose favorite pastime is to gaslight me and body shame me?

[dontwannabefat]

10 Reasons To Restrict List

1. Don’t eat because one bite will make you a fat whore. 2. You’ll be dainty, delicate, and fragile. 3. You’ll be able to wear thigh high socks without them leaving a red line and cutting off your circulation. 4. You’ll finally have a thigh gap. 5. People will tell you to eat. 6. People will be jealous of you. 7. You’ll be able to sit on his lap/be picked up. 8. You’ll be perfect. 9. You’ll be able to see your bones. 10. You won’t have that extra fat on your face.

[dontwannabefat]

some thinspo imagines🤠

-your collarbones are so defined that whenever you wear a necklace, the chain falls into the dip a little bit. when you wear off the shoulder tops, people stare and wonder if those dips could hold water or not.

-you purchase regular jeans, not high waisted, and wear them with a crop top. when you sit, your stomach is completely flat without the jeans covering anything up. everyone is jealous.

-it’s come to the point where you don’t crave food anymore. sure, you eat, but it’s always small and dainty meals, and you never binge.

-you’re known around school/town as the skinny one. people wonder how you lost that much weight. you tell everyone that it’s just self control as you drink your black coffee.

-your friends are jealous, but also concerned. they ask you if you’re alright because you bruised so easily from a small bump on a table. you smile and tell them that you feel the best you ever have, because it’s the truth. you met your UGW and it’s better than you could of imagined.

[dontwannabefat]

ult masterpost

1. HYGIENE

do your skincare routine every single mornin' and night.

take shower everyday.

shave your armpits everyday.

shave your legs every week *less if its winter*.

brush teeth twice a day.

do your hair routine every day, including washing routine every two days.

always apply deodorant and perfume or perfume mist.

once a week do a whole spa routine. *nail care, mask sheets, peelings and more deep treatments.*

try to moistruize your skin everyday

2. APPEARANCE

always look presentable in public.

always when in public apply at least conceler, or bb cream and so on.

always dress nicely.

keep your hair done, even if just stretched or curled.

keep your nails filed and clean, better if painted.

always wear minimalistic jewellery.

keep yourself shaved.

3. ETIQUETTE

never speak too loudly.

never scream or argue with someone.

be delicate with everything.

be patient be polite and nice to everyone. always say hello to your neighbour teachers, friends when you pass on streets.

smile often.

never talk with full mouth.

keep your elbows off the table when you eat.

do small talk;

2. How to start? Here are some basic phrases: Have you done anything intresting this weekend? Im looking forwars for weekend. Do you too? Have you any intresting plans? You did so great today at class! Is something bothering you? You look worried/sad/tired You have so nice t-shirt/make-up/ hairstyle // I love your hair/make-up/ phone case etc. "just compliment someone it always works, you can ask them after where did they bought it, or where got inspiration if its hairstyle or make-up

Try to make people talk about what they want to talk, not what you want to talk. That will make them think, your intrested in their lives, and people just like to talk about themselves

4. Be warm, and try to make people comfortable while they with you, don't run out with you eyes try to lock your eyes with one your talking with

3. Be open and don't judge

5. Gesticulate. Don't stand with your hands not moving, and head stead. It makes you look stressed and unnatural.

6. See the beauty in every single person

7. Share your life with others, but try not to focus conversation just on you. Look at point

8. Build trust.

9. If you have things in common show them that, and talk about it. (my tip are TV series, I mean I watched probably every single show, so to find the one in common with somebody isn't that hard. Also kpop or oder music genre is thing you can converse about a lot. )

be a good friend:

reply to messeges.

2. Be a good listener, try to maintain eye contact, and don't interrupt.

Be a best friend to others at first.

1. think more about them than about yourself, be for them not for yourself*

3. Be honest

4. Keep what your friends say to you in secret.

5. Be loyal, and stand up for your friends.

6. Be supportive, try to give advice.

7. Keep messaging them, give them your attention.

8. Say nice things about your friends to other people.

9. Compromise. Never argue.

10. Be open.

pay attention to your family.

think before you speak.

be helpful.

dont complain too much.

dont overshare.

4. SCHOOL

at class always pay attention, try to write everything down, try to be active.

do your homework the day it was given.

do your notes after every lesson, be sistematic.

dont skip important lessons. be minimim 10 minutes earlier to every class.

always give your essays in first termin. do all extras.

go to dentist every 6 months.

study minimum for hour every day.

5. ORGANZATION

go to hairdresser every 3 months.

keep your room clean - vaccum every week and every two weeks change the sheets.

pack your bag day before classes.

every sunday plan your meals and outfits for the rest of week.

try to go out at least once a week.

try not to eat when alone.

dont eat anything until you dont count and write down the calories.

6. FOOD

drink at least one cup of green tea a day.

dont overeat.

eat between 500-1000 kcal

[dontwannabefat]

✨✨after losing weight ✨✨

- will be able to look cute in everything

- wont have to look for stores that sell bigger sizes/not having to worry about a store having a bigger size whenever i find something cute

- thrifting will be easier

- wont have to worry about what people think of me when eating

- wont have to worry about my fat rolls showing

- wont have to worry about being the fat friend

- wont have to worry about something fitting me

- will be less embarrassed about eating in front of people

- wont have to worry about my fat jiggeling when ever I as much as move (because what fat)

- wont have to worry about people blaming my fatness whenever I eat a lot/I’m the last one at gym (once again what fat???)

[dontwannabefat]

Imagine || photography

Thinspo imagine

-

You’ll be the one everyone wants in their photo

And you wouldn’t have to be pushed to the back each time

They’ll want you front and center because you’re tiny and beautiful

And all your friends will look at the photo in envy

They’ll all wish they looked like you

Imagine you’re at the beach with your camera

And you’re taking photos of the sea

People won’t yell at you to get out of the way so that they can take their picture

They’d want you in it

Bc who doesn’t want a gorgeous ocean shot with a cute thin girl in it?

You’d be the model of each trip

Pose at a bridge? You’re the model

A cute cafe? Model time!

And you wouldn’t even feel worried about it because you know you’ll look wonderful

Because you’re thin

And perfect