doomweaver-93-blog - Tumblr blog

doomweaver-93-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Out of my Shell- Coming out as Bi

Salutations, all of you lovely chuckle-fucks! I’m sorry it took so long for me to get the creative juices flowing (giggity), but sometimes it can take a while for the proverbial gears to start turning. So, this time around I thought that I’d take all of you on a colorful journey, telling the tale about my recent coming-out as bi-sexual. And let me tell you, it definitely wasn’t an easy thing for me to do. The uncertainty of how friends and family would react to the news, was the biggest thought pulling at the back of my mind. Ever since my formative years in middle school, I thought I could hide it and not let it be so obvious. But back in October of 2016, I finally decided that I wasn't going to hide my bi-sexuality anymore. I believe that one's sexual identity is nothing to be ashamed of, and that everyone, whether or not they're part of the LGBTQ community, should be damn proud of who they are. I mean, who gives a rat's ass what other people think? Anyway, I bet some of you are wondering how it all started, and why I finally decided to come out after so many years. Well, slap your asses onto your seats and listen good, because the story is about to start....

It all started when I was attending middle school, back when I was living in the traumatic, miserable shithole in New Jersey (which I mentioned in my previous posts). I don't remember what exact grade I was in back then, but my attraction to both sexes stemmed as a result of being around my male classmates in the boys locker room during gym class. I won't go into inglorious details about the sort of thoughts I had, because some of you who are reading this are probably squeamish and easily butt-hurt/offended. The point is, I looked upon both male and female genders with the same sexual attraction, and never once thought I might be bi-sexual. Back then I thought if I came out as bi or if knowledge about my sexual identity somehow circulated, I'd be bullied and demeaned more than I already was. So for the entire time I lived in New Jersey, I kept it to myself and never let it show. And it continued well into my moving out to Ohio to live with my mom, throughout junior high, during high school, and well after taking a hiatus from Landmark College. While I was at Landmark, there were some instances when a random guy would say how cute I was, or commented on how good some of my clothes looked on me. I'd reply with a half-hearted thanks, but I never really gave it much thought. And there were some times when I thought about experimenting (if you know what I mean), but again, I didn't give it much thought. It wasn't until my visit to my brother Andrew and sister-in-law Julie's house in Oregon for their October 2016 wedding, that I FINALLY decided to come out of the proverbial closet as bi-sexual.

I first told my niece, Jasmine, during a Facebook conversation one night, and her response could be nothing short of happy, loving, and supportive. I breathed a tremendous sigh of relief, but I knew that it wouldn't stop there. Months after I flew back home to Ohio, I finally came out out to my previously-mentioned brother Andrew, my sister-in-law Julie, and shortly thereafter, to all of my other family and friends on Facebook. When I told everyone the news via Facebook post, I was nervously holding my breath. I'll admit that I was beyond anxious and nervous about how everyone would react to me being bi-sexual, and I was worried that it'd have a noticeable negative impact on all of my relationships. But in fact, quite the opposite happened. All of my friends and family showed nothing but an overwhelming outpouring of love, support, kindness, and respect. And while that itself was beyond amazing, I was kind of apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is an out-spoken Christian and opposed to things like the LGBTQ community and same-sex marriages. However, she has agreed to be supportive and to keep her opinions on the matter to herself, so I'll take my victories where I can. Once I came out to everyone, I felt like I was finally able to let go of a lot of the crippling anxiety and self-doubt that clouded my mind for so many years. And that, my lovely chuckle-fucks, was an enormous relief of itself.

Like everybody else out there, I'll occasionally come across some very hurtful ridicule from bigoted and prejudicial people, whether it's about my sexual identity, my Asperger's, or some other aspect of my life. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've been demeaned and belittled because of it. There are times when I wondered whether or not I should've come out as bi-sexual in the first place. As I mentioned earlier, I was definitely apprehensive about how my mom would react to my coming out, as she is a Christian and vehemently opposed to things like same-sex marriage and LGBTQ rights. She even gave me a completely disgusted look when she saw my Facebook post, and after I told her in person. But you know what? I honestly don't give a damn what other people say. The fact of the matter is, I was beyond proud of myself for finding the strength and courage to come out. I don't know why it took me so many years to come out in the first place, but I'm totally glad that I did. I know that there are other people out there who aren't as fortunate as I am in that regard, and all too often there are LGTBQ youth and young adults who are faced with the threat of violence, rejection, or homelessness simply because their own family or friends don't "approve" of their sexual identity. And that really breaks my heart.

The one thing about my coming out that continues to rub me the wrong way, is when people who claim to be "Christians", attempt to threaten me with the "fires of hell", and "God's wrath", because of my sexual identity. I'll sometimes see one of my mom's church friends out in public, and they'll give me such hateful looks and make the "God is watching" gesture towards me. Which makes me laugh hysterically, because aren't Christians supposed to love everyone, including bi-sexuals and other members of the LGTBQ community? Shit like that nearly played a negative role in my coming out, but I don't give a squadron of flying fucks what a bunch of religious people think or say. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. And I'm way happy that I did come out, because I feel as though a whole new galaxy of love and possibilities has opened up and made itself known to me, in a manner of speaking. As to my thoughts about other people who are bi-sexual, let me just say this; Bi-sexuals and LGBTQ people in general are just fucking AWESOME. Everyone who identifies as LGBTQ is a super-beautiful person in so many different ways, regardless of what people around them say. I plan on getting involved in LGBTQ rights groups, and when I finally make the move into my own place, try to find some outreach centers of some kind that help people who identify themselves as part of the LGBTQ community. Take it from me, it can be stressful and outright emotionally taxing dealing with all the religious bigotry, hatred, and seemingly endless bullying that's poisoning our world. I've found that the key to inner beauty and outward peace, is to not even let it bother you in any way. If it gets in your head, it can do all kinds of metaphorical damage to your confidence and self-esteem. Personally, I've adopted the following mindset to help me combat negative words and thoughts; I'm loved. I'm valued. I'm fucking awesome. And, hate has no hold on me. Only love has a say in my life. If you harbor nothing but love in your heart and mind, I guarantee that it'll make an awesome impact in your own life. I know that it's definitely helped me out in mine.

In closing, I'd like to pop a cap of advice on all of you out there; whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, just know that you're loved and valued, no matter what. If you're anxious about coming out, or facing any kind of hate and scorn for identifying yourself differently from the world's twisted sense of "normal", just take some deep breaths and surround yourself with nothing but upbeat, loving and supportive people. If others can't or won't love and support you for being yourself, then honestly, you don't need them at all. Educate yourself about the various resources and networks that are available out there, if a situation arises where you feel rejected and un-wanted. You're never alone. Don't be afraid of coming out and expressing yourself for who you are. There are tons of people all over the world who are ready and willing to talk to you (myself included), whenever you just need to get something off your mind, or if you need to hear someone say some loving and encouraging words. Research different services that are available for any LGBTQ youth/ young adults facing the threat of being cast out, simply because of their sexual identity. And lastly, when some bigoted fuck-wad shows you hate and contempt, show nothing but love and peace. Believe me, I know that this particular post might not seem like my most creative piece, and I did struggle to put the thoughts in my head as words on paper and a screen, but I feel like I've written this piece for anyone out in the world who identifies as LGBTQ and is afraid of coming out for fear of bullying, rejection, scorn from family or friends, and any manner of bigotry and prejudicial judgment. I wanted to speak up for those who might find themselves voiceless in some way, and at the same time, tell my own story to those who are willing to listen. I might struggle a lot to translate my thoughts into words, but I also feel like that this is one of the more candid tales I've told to all of you, my lovely chuckle-fucks. If you have any questions about this post, or just want to chat me up, feel free to contact me on any of my social media accounts listed below;

Email: [email protected]

Facebook: Josh Lesure

Twitter: Josh Lesure

Tumblr: doomweaver-93

I'd like to thank all of my friends from Landmark College, Dragonfly Academy, and my family for helping (in some way) to make this story possible, and I hope it helps to shed some more light on the delightfully twisted tale that is me, yours truly. Many thanks for your continued love and support, and I hope to continue writing some more sordid tales in the future, fortune willing. You're all such fucking awesome people, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Never forget to show love and kindness to those who need it. Right now, somewhere out there is a person who's perhaps struggling with their sexual orientation, and is uncertain about whether they should come out or not, and they need all the love and support they can possibly get. Try to volunteer for groups/organizations that help and provide aid to displaced people who identify as LGBTQ and need help getting on their feet. I myself was worried about possibly being thrown out onto the streets after coming out as bi-sexual, so I'm somewhat familiar with that level of fear and uncertainty. Never be ashamed to ask those you can trust for help, or to reach out to a a group of people that can provide you with the resources and caring if you're a young person who probably feels hated and unwelcome in your home environment. Get involved in things like pride groups and outreach centers where they're available. Once again, thank you all so much for continuing to love and support me throughout this fucked-up journey called life, and I hope to write some more sordid tales for you in the near future. Until next time, always remember to show love and peace in the face of hate, prejudice and bigotry. Stay strong, and hold your head up high. Huzzah!

0 notes