dopeclot - Tumblr blog

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

Blackwhite blip

• I was sleeping dreaming of my family and a buddhist temple somewhere?

• I was running around as a kid with other kids, and we played a trick on kids that we were scary kids at the top of a temple

• This temple was on a lake or ocean.

• All of a sudden a very strong sensation overtook me

• I saw/felt this very strong white and black dot at the center of my head that I knew was my consciousness

• All of a sudden there were very loud distored frequencies and it blipped on and off

• My eyes opened at this point even though I was still asleep? I saw my room for a flash and back to darkness. Then the dream came back and I was surrounded by my family, jackson, constance, linda, tris, sage, nate, bree, laying on the floor in some sort of large room waking up on a family vacation, feeling so fully relaxed, open, supported.

• I squeezed another one out and had very strong feelings again with the black/white/grey blipping dot.

• Now I'm awake and I can still feel that point in my head.

• I've been waking up in the night every night for the last 10+ days, the previous 2 nights waking up twice. And sometimes I wake up from happy temple dreams. :)

-

Coming back to add more later, a couple hours after I woke up, I feel like it was a death of some sort. The experience was a bit of a wave of extacy, but also like throwing up: a difficult thing to stomach that must be confronted and passed through.

0 notes

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

Squirmy & Relaxed

Yesterday I meditated outside. It was challenging, because there were a lot of bugs. However, it was a good challenge practice. With flies crawling around my lips and over my eyelids. Anicca!

Today I couldn't "focus" at all. My anapana performance was horrible! Physically, I sat perfectly for the first 20 minutes, but my mind was squirming around full of content and I could only feel the center lip sensation for 2 minutes total. It felt like I was doing some sort of integration work, with realizations pouring into me.

Remembering Death

Throughout my life emotions haven't left traces in my explicit memory. It's always so easy to blindly forgive people, and forget tragedies, because my memories have no emotional charge. All my meditation experiences are like this too - I can never remember them! But like smelling a rare scent or visiting a place I haven't been in years, random memories can flood back in when primed.

I was reminded of dark and sad realizations that I had totally forgotten! Many months ago, I accepted that there were spots on my body I couldn't feel during body scan. It felt like accepting my ignorance and defilements. Then suddenly I was overcome with the sense that there were patches of rotting flesh all over my body and a strong belief: "I am dieing. My body is irreparably sick and compromised." Like sitting infront of a plate with only a few crumbs on it, or the last day of vacation, or Sunday night before a hard workweek, endingness felt so obvious; so present; like it was sitting in the room with me. It felt so clear that I was dead. It was so disturbing that I couldn't speak much the rest of the day. And the following days I did pretty bad in some business meetings – Anicca!

Good meditation isn't bliss – dhamma is an uncompromising practice of deep, personal investigation – and truth can hurt.

Squirmy Resumed

After the first 20 minutes, things seemed to switch up. My body was squirming around for the rest of the time! I was not bothered at all, I felt relaxed and a little high. There was a period where I still had no anapana, but I could quickly enter in and out of warm fuzzy states with glimpses of panoramic awareness. My emotions were dancing all around, swinging up, down, left, right, like they do before an A&P climax. It felt like I was the whole basement. The washing machine across the basement from my meditation room felt like I could reach out and touch it! The sound felt just 1 foot away.

This perceived proximity wasn't like a dream or a visual "astral projection". It was the same certainty that I would feel if someone asked "Are you older than 21?" and I respond "Yes". It was just simple, casual, easy, certainty. In reality it would require me to get up, open the door, and many steps to go over there and actually be 1 foot away. But it felt performing those actions is so achievable and easy, it's already done. It's like a no-brainer.

Hua Tou, Hua Tou, 話頭, - I'll cut rambling.

Art

Lately my meditation states I feel like parts of my body are so disproportionately sized and totally overlapping. It's just like a blind line drawing!

When my emotions were dancing around, it felt like my awareness was on a tour zooming through different parts of my body, observing a lot of crazy sensations going on! There were exciting bliss bombs, spooky rigid conditionings, squiggly thoughts, a whole bunch going on in there!

Sometimes when I dissolve a deep blind spot into sensations, I feel like this, feeling the bright blue sky that always lies above the clouds.

#meditation log

0 notes

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

Metta Blob

Vipassana ribbon -> spotlight

Got sick of my vipassana sweeping technique. I used to visualize a ribbon of light or energy twisting down and around my limb/torso, or a paintbrush of water painting awareness over my skin and revealing the sensations.

I remembered a feeling to just listen. I really felt sick of forcing effort into my practice. My technique instantly switched to splotches. It felt right. A gentle circle would appear and I felt what was there, without applying the energy to amplify the sensations to be stronger, more electric, or more buzzy. It felt much more gentle - like just listening. Then had such a beautiful metta.

The contraction point of self

I kinda decided that there are sensation clusters I cant vipassinalize - like they’re above my weight class. Ex. My sense of self contraction between my eyes. When projecting focus, it can tend to contract. This can give me instant sensations anywhere I want, but I quickly learned on my retreat to not use this power! It results in exhaustion and headache. I've also been able to loosen this contraction, gently expanding the core point to feel like an airy bubble around my whole head. I also once felt it flow out of my forehead like mist, and for a moment I felt kinda centerless. This experience didn't feel crazy though, it was pretty chill.

But it makes me think this knot is best untied by combing through my body and working on smaller knots first. And it may loosen itself in time.

Lone star universe

I remember on retreat I was sitting with my body all zinged up, and asked for an insight. I visualized the whole universe, and then all the stars dimmed away except 1 in the center. A lone star universe. And that last star was my consciousness point. This was very disturbing and traumatic!! It felt I would never be truly understood in this world ever. I am an isolated mind that woke up to the tragic truth that it is impossible to fully connect with any other being ever.

In the following weeks, I watched a video of the future of the universe. By extrapolating all the science we know, we can trace not only the distant history but also the distant future of the universe. The universe will continue to expand until the gravity of all mater will pull itself all back together. And a majority of the time between the big bang and the great contraction, energy will be extremely dispersed. All stars will have burned out. All heat will be dissipated. Motion will be rare. Entropy will be pervasive. The universe will be a gigantic, cold, lightless void for a period of time unfathomably long.

In the following years, I read or heard a quote that said something like "when everything becomes all the same, it is all one thing."

And in the previous months I connected these dots. The dark lightless void is one large body. Then, in processing the implications of this understanding, I revisited my visual imagination of my lone star universe. I hadn't remembered this experience in quite awhile, and it's cool it zinged right up! I saw all the stars come back. They were twinkling, lighting anew, and disappearing. I focused on my own star, and I realized the goal was to extinguish it. To join the vast sea of formlessness.

To be honest, I don't remember when these visual realizations occurred. It could have been in meditation, in social life, or somehow mix of both. It almost feels like a train of thought that stopped periodically, but was never forgotten, and fluently develops anytime it is receives fuel. Kinda like an electric race car track. When current flows to the motor in the car, it instantly zooms until the current is turned off and it freezes. But when frozen, the position never changes. In this way, the train of thought could have been strobing on and off, receiving pulses of fuel throughout meditation, conversations, watching videos online, working out, etc.

Metta Blob

Really felt my body and the world connected after: My physical sensations were globed in with the undifferentiated space precieved all around me. The walls/floor seem less solid and more suggestive. I really feel the spaces below and above and on the other sides of them, and feel continuity with all the 10,000 things that might be there. I dont actually have xray vision or know whats on the other side of the visual barrier. It's more a feeling like I am friends with a large body of space around me regardless of its material form. Is it gas? Liquid? Solid? Metal? These questions feel irrelevant.

(It feels kinda like sitting in a warm bath, where your edges dissolve and you kinda feel any currents/motion of the water.)

#meditation log

0 notes

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

Discovering the world again

Yesterday, I listened to some lecture recording on spotify about tantra and zen. Through insight practice, you rip your world to shreds. The world you've involuntarily constructed since birth. This can be traumatic. Tantra is the art of weaving your world together again out of wisdom. It is giving form to the insights of meditation.

Events in life can remind us of the truth. Maybe someone dies and it reminds us that life is impermanent. Maybe a friend turns our back on us reminding us that relationships are impermanent. Maybe we get a big bonus, or long vacation, that reminds us that stressful work is impermanent. And then we go back to work, and remember that the happiness of a bonus is impermanent.

Learn from these reminders. Weave fresh raw truths into your life, and you will be able to see with fresh eyes, fresh feelings, fresh opportunities, and attune with a path towards wealth and freedom.

Frank Yang on "vipassanalizing your balls" as the best way to cease craving for orgasm was awesome. By tapping into sensate reality as I pass through life events and activities, I can discover the world again.

Finding mastodon, MCTB, online buddhist university, reuters, codesandbox - and finding a feeling of abundance and not scarcity to absorbing this opulent information environment. And finding this inspiration to write. There is so much cool stuff to find!

But in the end it's not about finding. It's about sharpening the eyes that can see. Then it will be impossible not to find.

Decided to add some contemplation / sutta reading to complement my meditations, since Dogon did me so good in the past. After my crazy last post, it's been days of blind spots. Slowly pealing back more layers again :) Surprisingly poor feeling anapana, yet strong sweeping body scans. Yet my posture is more solid than ever, with even less physical deviations than before.

0 notes

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

June 11 2024

90m this morning.

In meta-cognition I realized that some meta-cognition is valuable and accelerates my progress, while other meta-cognition may be distracting. Though I previously always scolded myself for meta-cognizing, even though in hindsight it's been part of my catalyst moments.

I've been seeing success in breaking through plateaus by meta-cognizing empirically. Ex. When I'm not sure if I should force sensation into a blind spot, vs listen ultra-closely to unlock it by hearing the quiet quiet sensations, vs staying on the spot until the noise level is similar to the non-blind-spots. I used to sporadically oscillate between the different approaches and at the same time scold myself for failure, and for oscillating. I used to think that if I was successful, success (sensations) would naturally arise, but that is not true. There is technique after all! So I plan "I will list my options", then I choose one and stick with it for awhile. This has helped me find the dead ends and techniques that go deeper.

After my 90m I get a surge of non-intentional consciousness when I smash back into the real world. Maybe has to do with standing up and loosing blood in my mind.

I put pasta in the microwave to eat and just hearing it snap and crackle in there, the future moment of me eating it felt so real and present. I could feel the texture, warmth, and taste in my mouth. Then the beeper went off and I heard some "wobbling" or ...strobing? in the tone kinda like binaural beats. Then I was super sensitive to the white noise/snow in my ears.

Once I took the pasta out, I was holding the bowl bringing it to the island and realized I had already eaten all of it and it was gone! In reality, I was still holding it. But it felt very real that this moment passed and the dirty dish was in the sink! #Emptyness :)

I also felt some pulsing in my fingers today. What Ingram refers to vibrations like hertz? Idk but gonna stick to Goenka's technique.

I also realized I've been becoming overwhelmed with peace in meditations. Previously I thought "just relax and accept what comes, and all will sort itself out". But I realized maybe I'm not doing this practice to bathe in peace, but to seek truth. So maybe I'll smash through this gentle peace stasis too.

#experiment #meditation log

0 notes

dopeclot · 1 year ago

Text

All I can remember

Having a vivid dream of powerful waves of energy that got me into woo woo spirituality, and eventually Veganism, around late 2014

Exploding, really feeling like I'm glowing, in waves and waves, after finishing ATLA in high school. 2017?

An extremely clear stingingly loud sensation rush through my body, and lasting very strongly and uncontrollably for 10 minutes in my left hand, on my first retreat. Followed by some deep down days contemplating any meaning in life. Tilarán Costa Rica, Goenka. 2021

After some meditations, I was sitting and thinking about a big wart on my hand I had for at least 2 years. In one moment I felt closure and completion of the wart's life or something, and ok with it going away. And it disappeared within the month. 2022

Cracked open some "panoramic awareness"? - feeling everything in the room while I'm simultaneously doing a task or body scanning or anapana-ing. Walking through rooms felt crazy as I feel all the walls open and close! 2022

Had to switch to zazen because any sort of focus was so painful amid the stress and responsibility and pressure of SCAD SDN, SDGC21, SDNLF22, SCAD Rogue, and more... I remember my mind screaming with thoughts and needing to spend an hour just letting all the paint that saturated the brush bleed all out on blank paper (nodoing). No progress tho, just sanity kinda.

^The above experiences were part of a month or more of every day 1 hour practice cerca 2022?. I then stopped, as work really piled on and I got burned out.

On two occasions of 1 hour everyday practice for 2+weeks, gaining "angel eyes": everything looks helplessly clean, with no possibility of being dirty. It feels like everything is beautiful or glowing, and my eyes see so much sharper. 2023, then stopped practicing, then started and again in 2024, then stopped practicing.

In and out deep feeling that everything is empty. At one glance, I can see something is a dead end / not real. 2023? Though kinda lost the powerful obviousness these days.

Had a shocking meditation experience feeling like everything is dead, I am dead (after sleeping in the basement for a couple nights). Almost couldn't speak for the day. Couldn't work. The following 2 days was pretty off. March 2024.

Dropped into a jhana? Felt some sort of door open below my neck and felt deep deep into my body, like a portal. Got the deep feeling that I am the universe, and idk how and why. I can't explain it. February 2024.

Body scanned the back of my eyeballs for the first time and opened a sinus. February 2024.

^The above experiences were part of a month of every day 1 hour practice. I then stopped for a couple months, as I was burned out.

Now I notice super mixed/disproportional body images when body scanning, loosening a solid sense of physical self? June 2024

When scanning I noticed blind spot in my leg. Upon inspection and reviving sensations in it, I realized the blind spots are just like when your body is afraid of over-stretching and clenches to protect itself. The blind spot was my brain clenching and blocking itself out of stubbornness, habit, idk. Relaxed and automatic mild body sensations the rest of the day, with extra clear vision. June 9th, 2024.

Found and read Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha. Getting into Frank Yang, Ingram, r/streamentry, cowboys, and dharma underground. June 2024.

#meditation log

0 notes

dopeclot · 10 years ago

Photo