dopedrip

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Layne Staley, 1993 photographed by Frank Micelotta

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hunger feels good times

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i can’t find a therapist

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can’t stop cutting can’t lose any weight i’m a monster

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21 days without self harm

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i cut accidentally really deep it burns so bad my husband who i’m in a huge fight with in which he might leave me after over a decade cleaned and bandaged my wounds i hope that’s a good sign

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Also so excited to see Manson in February 😭😭

Adore him

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i don’t think i’ve ever wanted

to die more than i do now

stealing $75 from gamestop and $100 from another trash store and expecting a package overnighted that

i have no idea what it is isn’t enough to make me feel anything but a lingering

happiness

gone back to continue working on my

suicide note. is anyone surprised?

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also my self harming is getting worse than literally ever it’s up the entire side of my right thigh and most of my left thigh

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my psych said yes to putting me on lamictal but it’s been a week and a half since then and he hasn’t called them in. oh and he won’t even up my sleeping meds? no to a benzo script and when i mentioned to him “you prescribe so many people on this clinic benzos” he said “i failed them and i don’t want to tell you”????? like what the fuck. now i have to keep buying them myself so manage my panic attacks

my back is absolutely killing me and i stole pills from my husband and he’s super mad and called me a bunch or horrible things i just want to disappear into nothingness. he’s going to meet my mom to to get xanax’ but i just want to die always i can’t take the pain going to take from of my methocarbomol and gabapentin

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officially working on a first draft of my first ever suicide note

what am i even gonna say to my psychiatrist tmrw i want to be honest but if im too honest i wont be allowed to go home lmao

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ima bad person but

when i see my psychiatrist my goals are

1. tell him my psych meds don’t do shit for me and i haven’t taken them in months. oh btw i used to be on a med before i lost my insurance that helped can i switch to that

2. cutting. anxiety unmanageable. bring notebook and show him i try all sorts of coping methods but sometimes they just aren’t good enough. benzo script i had used to help

3. request increase in sleeping medication

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i’m addicted to cutting again

three nights in an a row

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the fighting is bad but i love you till the die i die

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never felt more alone in my life

or more suicidal

idk how i’m not self harming to hell rn i just got new brow razors they’re nice and fresh and sharp

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looking at photos from the last few years makes me want to die or hurt myself i got so fat i used to be… thin for my body type? and at the time i still thought i was a fat blob. body dysmorphic disorder is weird like that. but i know im fat now. even my partner tells me i need to lose weight and i know it i just don’t know what to do i can’t afford good food for me even tho i only eat once a day anyway, and its hard to exercise when you have very fresh chronic pain issues. i’m disgusting. i disgust myself. i went lifting today and got some makeup, hair rollers, socks, rings, nails, brow razors, perfume mist, lash glue, body shimmer spray ect. idk how to fill the empty hole in my existence except with hard drugs. hopefully will be married next week so i can change my stupid name. i need to lose like 80lbs i can barely manage 2lbs.

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i love you no matter what no matter what awful shit we spew to each other, the worst you right the more fire the love is i think

also feel like “death by bpd” should be a thing