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Baby chameleons help eliminate fruit flies

(via)

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you ask me what the time is and I glance at my wrist but instead of a wristwatch there’s a compass duct taped to my wrist and I immediately turn and walk north never to be seen again

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I finished putting together the Irish-American heritage month display and Jesus CHRIST there are so few books about Ireland in our collection?? Once more, I must say:

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me and my besties on our way to do a barbie and oppenheimer double feature on july 21

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the only DB Cooper theories i accept:

he died cuz he was an idiot who jumped out of a fucking plane during a rain storm in the middle of the night

it’s tommy wiseau

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Cinematic parallels👌

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feeling like the health inspector

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A sleight-of-hand magician routine that's also a stand-up comedy set about ADHD. Like I'm just there complaining about how I always lose or forget stuff, I change subject as I lose your track of thought, then suddenly remember that I was holding a fan in my hand and -

Where the FUCK did it go??

I ask the audience if they saw where it went. Not in my sleeve, there's just a handkerchief there. Nothing in my pockets. FUck, I don't even have any pockets. No, wait, was it in the - [a dove emerges from an improbable place] aw fuck I forgot to return that to the vet.

Now distracted by tugging a comical length of handkerchiefs out of my sleeve, I'll start telling the story of why, exactly, I was borrowing a pigeon from a vet in the first place. The story, which is lengthy, still doesn't go on as long as the string of handkerchiefs.

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Walter White Woman

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It should 100% be illegal for companies to make you give them your payment information when you sign up for a free trial version of their product. It is not necessary and there is no good fucking reason for them to do it. It’s blatantly just so they can steal forgetful customers’ money.

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the funniest and best thing i’ve learned while doing research for this shakespeare project is that in the late 19th century, there was this group called the american acclimatization society and their thing was bringing european plants and animals to the u.s. so one member was this guy named eugene schieffelin and he was like obsessed with shakespeare, so he went, “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we tracked down EVERY SPECIES OF BIRD SHAKESPEARE EVER MENTIONED and brought them ALL to America” so he rounded up like a hundred European starlings and released them in central park, and now there are upwards of 200 million starlings in North America and they cause around $1 billion worth of damage to crops every year, all because shakespeare mentioned them exactly ONCE in Henry IV part 1

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Wish i was drunk at a party explaining mgs to someone

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executive dysfunction

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the vet measured junta on sunday, and as we were leaving the assistant said “he wrote down the measurements for you” and passed me this